Grandchildren

Don't ask because they may be trying for a baby but unable to conceive. I was desperate for a DGC and had three older sisters who all had numerous DGC each. I just shared my sisters DGC and enjoyed them. Then eventually my DD presented me with one of my own. I would love another but would never ask as I know they struggle to pay extortionate nursery fees which I help with but hope when DGS is at school they may have another child.

Don’t give up hope Granless. After 12 years together my son was 50 when his eldest daughter was born! His partner was 39 and 3 years later they had a second daughter! He may be an older Dad but he revels in it and they are a very sporty family. The parents both work full time, the girls are in Primary School, life is busy but happy, I envy their energy!

Thanks for ALL interesting comments. They do put things into a different perspective. My son grew up with a brother 7 yrs older, as I did. Also they are professional work people. They have recently acquired a dog - so maybe he is their 'child'.
I never really intended asking them, as I knew it was too personal; I just wondered if it was appropriate. Coconut is sympathetic to my situation and GoldenAge saw it as it is. Thank you all. I'll keep quiet .

Adendum: My life isn't empty. I have a husband; volunteer for senior citizens coffee morning; walk and of course shop! Meet up with friends. Now for this one - I have, at 70, taken up walking netball - highly recommended. Find one near you and join - lots of fun.

I'm with the don't ask brigade. I hinted strongly to #2 daughter and she deflected the subject. Some months later she said she was pregnant and had lost a baby before 3 months before that. She said she waited to see if things were ok before telling me, after 3 months. I felt bad, but also sorry she hadn't felt able to tell me.

Grandson is 14 months old now and delightful. Sadly they are a 1.5 to 2hr drive away, but I do see them when I can and I know other grands see less of their grandchildren. And I see #1 daughter's 11 year old and 2 year old twice a week , so am lucky.

I may be completely wrong but I seem to remember reading about an organisation which matches young families without grandparents to people who would like to be grandparents?! I will do some digging. I think this is a fabulous idea ?

After 5 years of marriage I made the big mistake of telling my mum that I had come off the pill. At least twice a week after that she would phone me with " How are you?" Which roughly translated into are you pregnant yet?
I began to dread and resent these calls and felt pressurised and a bit of a failure.
Two years later she had her much wanted GD and was a fantastic Gran.
She was delighted with the news of my two subsequent pregnancies but the pressure was off by then. She would actually ask how I was and then about the awaited babies.
Never give up hope, DD2, in a relationship of 20 years and a jet set lifestyle at the age of 36 came round and joyfully plonked a 20 week baby scan in front of me. The pregnancy was a surprise to both, however two years later surprise GD has now been, by choice, joined by GD no2.

I dont see any problem with asking, but it depends what relationship you have. My daughter and partner dont have any children (he is 40 in January, but she is 7 years younger) and I was very happy to ask. I picked a good moment and then simply said I hope you dont mind me asking, but wonder if you have made any decisions about having a family. I was told no decision had been made and that is fine. No one took offence. To be honest if they had been trying without success I would rather know - then I could lend some support, and also not put my foot in it. If they were not happy with me asking they would be at perfect liberty to say we dont want to discuss it and I wouldnt have been offended. I didnt at any point say I was hoping to be a grand-parent because I do feel that would be putting the pressure on. It seemed to me to be a perfectly natural thing to wonder about and I would rather be out in the open with these things.

Do you really believe that asking is going to change the outcome in any way? Probably not....so why ask in the first place?

On the other hand, if/when there's a baby on the way and they're ready to share the news, you will surely be among the first to know.

The more you dwell on it, the more impossible it seems. I know it first hand, having become a new grandmother (of twins!) at age 58. There's an old saying "A watched pot, never boils"

Don't ask. It is their business whether they want children or if they want to tell you about it.
My elder son [ late 30's ] and his wife had a baby in July this year. They had been married for 14 years. I hadn't expected them to have one after all this time, but I never ask them reasons why they didn't have any before.
It would never occur to me to ask such personal questions. If they feel they want to tell me then that is fine, but I would never ask.

I think I disagree with you all. Of course it can be a very delicate subject so it must be spoken of very sensitively.
But you don't need to ask the direct question , you could try approaching it indirectly
For instance..
" oh I've been looking through some old photos and found some that are great, would you like them? Perhaps you can pass them on if you have a family "
Or, if you have old toys or stuff left over from them in the loft ( I've got lots ) you could just ask if there any good or should you take them to a charity shop?
Something along those lines, you may get a clear NO, so you'll know, or she may want to talk, she may wonder why you've never mentioned it before.
It worked with my daughter
Try it then let it go don't push good luck

Our DS (only child ) married DDil when in their twenties. There was no sign of a baby for years & DH and I never, ever, asked. You can imaging how thrilled we were when our DGD arrived - to parents who by then were well into their thirties. And our DGS arrived two years later! So you never know!

Please don't ask them as it could make them feel pressured.

After we had been married a couple of years in the 70's, my Husband and I were at a party that had been organised by his Grandmother.
A charming elderly Gentleman asked us really sweetly if we would be expecting the 'patter of tiny feet' soon.
Grandmother immediately turned to the 3 of us and said out loud, "No, and I don't know what they are waiting for either".
I have never felt so embarrassed as suddenly we were the focus of the most unwanted attention ever.
I hope that your dreams do come true Granless, but there may well be a reason why they have not had any children.

No, don't ask, I hated it when my DM and DMIL kept asking, and wasn't confident enough to tell them to mind their own business. We wanted to be settled in our own house and have it furnished before we started trying, and that took us 4 years from our wedding. Unfortunately I then had two miscarriages, so it was another 3 years before we were able to present them with a grandson. By which time we were in our mid-thirties. We just didn't like telling our parents about our private life and felt really uncomfortable about it.

I’m curious. willa45 mentions becoming a new grandmother at the age of 58. Is that considered late? I was nearly ten years older than that! It seemed quite normal to me. My parents were in their mid-60s when I had my children, and must have been 70-something when my brother had his. I was their youngest child, and it was my younger one who had children first.

I am afraid its not your business...what you want is maybe not what they want. I don't have grand children and am not likely to, but I do have the love of my dear dear son and his partner, that's enough for me.

Please don't ask. My DD is unable to have children and has had numerous people ask if and when they will be having children. One woman even told her she was selfish.So if you don't know their circumstances just keep silent until they tell you

Hmm this is something that my children would have openly discussed with me anyway, but if they hadn't I would be able to ask them without offending them, so I'm rather surprised so many people are saying don't ask. You're not being pushy you're merely interested. Once you have your reply just leave it then

Willa45 is right knowing won’t change the outcome so why ask if it happens I m sure you ll be the first to know and if it doesn’t you have lots of interest in your life as you ve told us

I really dislike the idea of poking around with ‘shall I keep your toys’ etc, sorry magicnona even worse that being honest sounds so manipulative

Don't give up yet, My son was 40 years old and my daughter in law was 39 when they had their first baby and now they have two and are thinking about having another. Some people start their families later now.

Please don't ask.

Dear Granless, I feel for you and other people who don't have grandchildren. Perhaps this site should be called Notjustgrans.com.

Grandma 70s

My point was that I know full well what it is to be an anxious grandmother in waiting. After the first wedding, I immediately began dreaming about my first grandchild.

Six years later, they were still childless, yet others (whose children married later) had been given multiple grandchildren. In the meantime, we had a second wedding a year after the first one. Five years into that nothing was happening there either.

The perception that I was somehow behind the curve stayed with me for a very long time. Today, we have four beautiful grandchildren!

Thank you for explaining, willa45. I see what you mean, though I am still curious about whether people think 58 is old to become a grandmother.

Once my younger son got married, I didn’t have to wait, as my grandson was pretty prompt. Soon after that, my DIL had a miscarriage, which they told me about, and not long after that they had a daughter. We tend to have children in our thirties in my family.

I suppose I’d have been worried if there had been no children after a few years, but we’d have discussed it, I’m sure. There would have been no need to ask.

Your children do not marry just to give you grandchildren. If you are lucky enough to have some they are a precious and added bonus. I met a lady today who has 5 children and now 26 grandchildren. I expect she loves them all but she said Christmas is a nightmare