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Adult Stepdaughter

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deb131 Fri 08-Dec-17 00:47:01

Sorry for the long post Me and my husband have been married for over 25 years he had two daughters from previous relationships.we also have 2 children together .it's been hard work but we brought up the four kids.one stepdaughter came to live with us other visited every weekend we were a happy family now 3 of the kids the girls all have children of there own .9 grandchildren we love been grandparents and our grandchildren love been with us the problem didn't start till last year when our daughter had a little boy .and we love spending time with our new grandson .we then noticed our oldest daughter my stepdaughter started getting jealous even though this isn't her first nephew first she refused to come to baby shower my daughter's friend had arranged then started staying away .but we visited her every week and would treat her kids we would take her out and her children and just do what grandparents do .I asked her why she wouldn't come to ours and she said she was busy .so we left it like that then last week she text me and said she was coming up for the grandchildren's christmas presents which is 3 weeks early I was hoping to spend some time at Christmas with them .we spend the same on everyone of our grandkids and I treat my stepdaughters kids just the same as my own daughter baby I've asked her again why she won't come to my house and she finally said she wants her children to be our youngest grandchildren and doesn't want us to spend time with our other grandchildren as she is the oldest this would never of happened my youngest hasnt even had kids yet . I told her that her and her kids mean the same to me as my other daughters kids .she's isn't in a relationship and has had bad few years with her boyfriend committing suicide and then she meet someone online who's the father of her 2 year old .but he left her and .me and my husband was there for her supported her financially and emotionally we took her away on holidays and bought neally everything for her baby .I looked after her children when she used to work now she said she can't stand us having other grandchildren and said we must choose her and her kids .or our other grandchildren I've told her I won't do that I love all of them and she said we won't be seeing much of her and her children if we don't choose her .I tried to talk to her and she said her children must come first and they don't want to share there grandparents but this is totally stupid we have 9 grandchildren and we re there for all of them .I know my stepdaughter has had a bad time but none of that was our fault we helped her everyway we could I told her my daughter need me to and I want to spend time with her and her little boy I don't know what to do I know she seems to be jealous of her sisters and brother and all her nieces and nephews but I can't do anything about that just be there for her and the kids. I won't choose any of the grandchildren I love them all please help I miss my grandaughters so much

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NanaNancy Fri 08-Dec-17 01:38:54

No child comes "before" any other. You have the incredible blessing of 9 grands.
I too am in a family which is termed "blended"(I don't like that term).
Loving children is so easy. Loving the adults who are trying to exercise their "power" and control over the family is difficult. This is an example of one person trying to use her control over others. All too often we may experience men in our lives who try and control us. This is the same with this adult daughter. Is it no different than being bullied? No.
Your issue is how to overcome. You need to make your stand very clear. For example, "You and the children are invited to join us at home for Xmas gift tea (date, time).; If you are unable to come, would you consider dropping off the children for two hours while you can go shopping or do something else?"
If it is a "no" this time. You should just leave it. Don't muddy the waters by saying to the children, "Granny would like to see you but Mom won't let that happen"...No. No.
You extend invitations for all occasions within reason.
It may take a year or more (in our case just over a year of silence from adult children).
The point is to say, "I am here. You are not. It is your choice and you are responsible for your children."
In the end, it IS the parents choice. You have to wait and let them make the right one.
I believe with time this will come.

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newnanny Fri 08-Dec-17 12:03:16

Would inviting them over on separate days help, so if she does bring children over they will have your undivided attention? Do not allow one child to dictate your relationship with other children and grandchildren. Stand firm. Could you keep in contact with grandkids via Skype?

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paddyann Fri 08-Dec-17 14:50:33

she doesn't want her kids sidelined ,its that simple..I remember quite illogically worrying in case my daughters 2nd baby was a boy as it would sideline her first ..I know it was ridiculous but I was in a bit of a fragile state having just lost my mum...who thought the sun shone out of her GGs . But for a wee while it was a real worry for me .Its very likely she's in a bad mindspace and needs help to put things back in their perspective,she and her children have had a tough time ,she 'll come through it ,but it will take time and effort from her family to make sure she doesn't fell left out

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Christinefrance Fri 08-Dec-17 15:50:20

I agree with NanaNancy couldn't have put it better. Hope it works out for you all deb131

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