In restrained lioness mode

You and your DD are obviously too nice, quiet and refined. How could they ignore you. It’s rude and vile - and you’re obviously not LOUD enough!! Perhaps if you and your DD had a bottle of wine on the go, played loud music, danced around the room they’d have to notice you! Or, just give the GC sweets and chocolate and a loud game and encourage them to be loud on your behalf. At least it should get rid of the b****rs!

hope, with your support,your daughter can sort this out vampire. Has she never mentioned this to her husband? Think she needs to.
Might the other gran feel more entitled as she has been so involved with the gc, but this does not entitle her to be so dismissive. She sounds very rude and controlling. However wonder if she might perhaps resent you for not helping out more?
Hope this gets sorted out for you all.
Sending good wishes.

The MIL sounds like a nightmare and she is clearly a sandwich short of a picnic. Unfortunately, she knows she has power over her son and there is not a lot you can do about that. The SIL will have noticed the difference between his controlling mother and your more reasonable and pleasant approach but his mother has him in a vicelike grip he has not been able to escape up to now and it is, thus, probable that he won't in the future.

Your approach, to avoid her as much as possible, is the right one. However, her treatment of your daughter is as outrageous as you suggest. Given the nature of the problem I think the young couple have only two options:- give the awful MIL an ultimatum to treat your DD properly or loose visiting rights or put up with the situation.

If she is as keen on the hands-on grandparenting as you say it might be that she will concede.

Prepare for a fight though. From the sound of her she will put up a hell of a fight and your SIL might chicken out and give in.

Sorry but your SIL is obviously as horrible as they are because he allows the situation to continue. Anybody who thinks the children will notice and treat your DD differently is being overly hopeful. They will probably see this as the norm because they won’t know any different. Your DD would be better to be less passive about it and insist she is treated with the civility and respect she deserves in front of her children. I don’t mean to sound strident but I am angry on her behalf too so I can’t imagine how furious you must feel.

Oh, I'm so with you on this Vampirequeen. My family situation is not the same but just as difficult (involving step children and a slightly bonkers ex-wife). I don't think you can do anything other than rise above it and take every opportunity to avoid them. It's horrible but some people just aren't worth the energy we waste on them.
On some level, they know exactly what they're doing so for your own sake, never let them see that you're bothered by their infantile behaviour and try to keep smiling

Does this situation not get to your DD ? To say “ it’s just the way it is” is just enabling the extremely ignorant behaviour to continue. It’s really up to her and your son in law to address it. Maybe they just tolerate it for a quiet life, however, if not addressed these issues with dominating people, usually escalate. I cannot understand why Son in law would find it acceptable that his wife is ignored. You are clearly being ignored in the hope that you will feel so uncomfortable that you will just go away, but with your DD I fail to see what they are trying to achieve. The danger is that as the grandchildren get older they will be poisoned against you. Your DD should not be bullied into her “ insisting” on sleep overs etc she needs to get control back ASAP and may need your help with that. So hope things get better for you, it would annoy me just as much as you.

It's unusual that the father's mothers claim primacy, as it's usually the other way round. I have three daughters and have bent over backwards to make sure the two MILs, my co-grandmothers, have felt equally included in loving our DGC and being loved in return.

I am very sorry for the OP and her daughter. But the SIL needs to speak up and put a stop to it.

I agree your son in law should not allow his parents to treat his wife this way. That said it's their problem and as always we have to keep our lip buttoned. Vent away VQ they sound awful.

You should try being a step mother or step grandmother - then you'd really know what its like to be ignored !!!!

They sound like a pair of arses, what could they say if they spoke??? Better off not having to engage with them.

Your SIL should take the initiative and tell them to be have or stay away.

She is obviously very thick skinned or she would realise just what trouble your DD could cause her if she wanted to, how rude apart from anything else. I expect, as ever, you are right to keep out but like you I would be longing to say quite a lot.

They sounds like misguided people, who are missing out on friendship with you, and spoiling what could be a close and loving relationship with your DD. Not at all pleasant for you, but they must lead sad lives, boiling away in their own bile. As time goes on the children will see how they behave and it won't impress them; however perhaps by then they might realise that we each have our own relationship with the children, everyone has a part to play and there is always enough love to go around. 'Sorry you had a nasty visit but you have your own happier life, and no doubt grateful you are not like that silly pair!

Not nice people, vampire, by the sound of it. I have a lot of sympathy. My DD’s inlaws were not nice either and there were times when I could have given them a large piece of my mind not only for the way they treated DD but our - their - grandson. There is now no contact between them at all. In fact, when the other gran paid a very rare visit recently, it was as if she and GS were a pair of strangers who had just been introduced. Your SiL should man up and take his parents in hand.

I don't know what to say Vampire They sound hideous! I can't come up with any helpful suggestions but I totally understand your fury. Perhaps the grandchildren will see through them as they get older.

This is ridiculous. And I'm sorry but your SIL is my nice. Your daughter deserves so much better.
Could you encourage her to bring it up?

Vent away. I haven't got any advice: there probably isn't any, but I would be livid too. What a pair fools they sound, they have a lovely family, and choose to ignore half of it.