In restrained lioness mode

I agree with the way they're handling it and would never dream of interfering. There is no point in causing a massive family blow up just because his mother and sister are ignorant. Hence I vented on here.

I think your dd is handling it in a very mature and sensible way - I know it would upset me very much too if that were my dd, but in the circs I think I'd avoid stirring hornets' nests. I would guess that there would only be upset and a bad atmosphere if anything was said. And bad atmospheres are horrible for everybody, especially for children. (I speak from childhood experience!)

It would seem that your dd and SiL have agreed very well on how to deal with it - a good old moan and eye roll after they've gone.

I agree with other who say you cannot approach this head on as it could easily make rifts which would be difficult to heal. Far better to ignore them and enjoy your time with your DD and if possible DGC. Pretend you're in a restaurant and they're at the next table. You don't need to talk to them. They're incidental. You're there to see your DD and GC.

Take yourselves off into the kitchen and wash up - loudly with much chat and laughter? Especially if you can persuade DGC to join you thus excluding them. All done with the biggest smiles and jollity of course!

Sorry but I had this done to me until my MIL died. She wasn’t British although she could speak English perfectly well. My ex broached the subject but it didn’t make a lot of difference, she did eventually talk to me but not in front of anyone else if he or anyone else was around she totally blanked me. As she stayed with us for at least 4 months of the year it made life very difficult.

It does have an effect on your children as they don’t understand it and my son at the age of seven decided he didn’t have to talk to me either after I told him off.

Now if I was in the same situation I would stand my ground and say that until they changed their behaviour I would not have anything to do with them even if it meant taking the children out when they came round.

I would talk about it to your daughter but in the end it’s her decision.

Your daughter sounds a very mature and sensible girl - let her in-laws get on with it and keep the peace with her husband who obviously understands the situation too. They live together and have probably decided this is the best solution. No excuses - the MIL sounds obnoxious but she's done all the baby stuff you're not bothered about which has probably been a big help to the parents and as the children get older they will no doubt notice the strange behaviour from granny when she visits. My own son's MIL did some despicable things when my granddaughters were babies (in fact she's never met the youngest one who is now 16) and caused a lot of trouble. Son & DIL were definitely united in protecting themselves from her poison and cut her out of their lives completely - she's the one who has lost out seeing her beautiful granddaughters grow up.

It’s always the children who suffer in the end, whether it’s the in laws or not. Why can’t people be kinder and stop being so controlling. I’ve been treated and ignored just like your daughter but by my sons partner.

My daughter has the same from MIL. She tries to rise above it just to keep the peace. I get ignored as well but I always say "Hello", I refuse to stoop to her level.

My mil used to treat me exactly he same way. At the time I still foolishly thought it was possible for her to change and decide to treat me better, that didn't happen. It then caused endless rifts between DH and me as I told him it was his mother and he should tell her to treat me properly, that didn't happen either. Eventually I stood up to her and the problems that caused were tremendous, DH didn't speak to me for weeks, she never spoke to me again and refused to even come to the house when I wasn't there. FIL was great throughout although even he couldn't sort things out. MIL long since gone now but still a very touchy subject with DH. My advice would be to keep quiet for as long as your daughter can put up with things and the same for you.

My DD’s inlaws treat her and me and my son and family in the same way. I’m always ultra polite and friendly in the face of any rudeness. Sadly my lovely SIL feels he has a better relationship with me than his own mother, she would be horrified to hear that, but I won’t repeat it!

In the imortal words of Mumsnet, your DD has a DH problem. He probably enjoys being the centre of attention.
He either needs to confront them or point out to his toxic relatives that your DD has spoken to them. Actually he isn't very nice as he is enabling their behaviour at your DD expense.

It doesn't have to be an argument at all.

He could simply say 'Mum abc is talking to you'

Or actually include her into the conversation.

'Wow mum that sounds great, ab did you hear that what do you think'

For him to acknowledge it's true and do nothing makes him pathetic. I would never allow anyone to treat my husband like that.

I am bristling with indignation on you & your son's behalf Vampirequeen ! But know what it feels like to be coerced into accepting bad behaviours/ manners so as not to rock the boat for our DC . Going on the premise of ' you can't change other people's behaviour, but you can change your own' I sincerely hope you find away of saying/ doing something to redress the situation , it doesn't have to be rude but maybe something should be said, we may not all be born equal, but manners & consideration cost nothing & she is seriously lacking in both!!!!

grandtante Indeed, children do starting noticing these things at a fairly young age.

I vaguely remember Mummy feeling aggrieved that Daddy didn't react to something Grannie said that hurt Mummy. You can be certain your grandchildren will pick up on the situation, sooner or later, and I would leave the little voice that says "Daddy, why is Gran always rude to Mummy" to be heard.

If you say anything, your SIL will be mad at you, not at his mother, who apparently can do no wrong in his eyes, or he would already have told her to behave nicely to his wife!

Where's your SIL in all this? Surely he needs to have to have a word with his parents??

If your DD is resigned to it just leave it alone.If everyone is nice to each other when you are around the children will take this in, and if there is nastiness when in laws are there they will take that in as well - when they are old enough they can be told what is happening when they ask. I can maybe hear a little voice saying "Granny, why don't you speak to Mummy?"

I've just noticed I am with Hm999 on this one.

It is not easy to deal with loud controlling ignorant people like this. Only your Son in Law can change things and I expect your daughter and he do not think it worth the tension, distress and arguments that any intervention might bring,.

make sure that when you are with them, without the in laws, they both enjoy your company and that you respect your daughter as the mother of you son in laws' son.

Good luck

I like that idea Oldwoman :D

The day she tells you she has terminal cancer you tell her it couldn't happen to a nicer woman. Nuff said.

I think I would continually try to engage them in conversation, greet them with a big hug telling them how wonderful it is to see them again. This should annoy them so much they will avoid being there when you are!!

Tbh I just needed to vent last night. It's nice (but sad) to realise that there are other DDs putting up with this sort of behaviour. There is nothing to be done about it.

DD and SIL have discussed it and decided to let it go rather than cause a huge family blow up. It's not as if she's openly hostile or says anything nasty. She simply acts as if DD isn't there. It winds DD up when they do it but she vents when they leave. There is no doubt MIL loves the grandchildren and is good to them hence DD doesn't worry about the children staying with MIL. Although MIL doesn't seem so keen as they're getting older. Perhaps she's a baby person.

The thing that wound me up was the way they ignored DD as if she wasn't good enough to be with SIL. I don't care if MIL ignores me. Like I said in the OP that's her loss. You can walk all over me but upset my baby and out leaps the lioness.

I would think its up to your SIL To day something. Maybe even you DD could ask her in laws what she has done to offend them putting the ball in their court. Or maybe it doesn’t really bother your DD. I know we want to protect our children but in this case you can’t interfere on her behalf.

My late MIL almost always ignored me. She didn't mean to be hurtful, basically she was just thoroughly insensitive & worshipped granddaughter. It got on my nerves, sometimes extremely, but I kept quiet, because she would never change & I didn't want a family split. She wasn't at all malicious, or intentionally rude, just dim when it came to relationships. She meant well & was hugely generous to granddaughter after she grew up, despite her limited income. They had a close mutually supportive relationship that enriched both their lives. Some things are best left unsaid in family life.(Though all I ever got was a Xmas card!)

I agree with Lilyflower this MIL is showing signs of a personality disorder. It is not normal to behave in this extreme controlling fashion unless she has serious emotional dysfunction. Those close to her would have to do as she demands, trapped in her coersive abuse. Your DD is clearly showing emotional maturity in the way she is dealing with her but I agree I would be as angry as you are seeing this going on as it is a form of domestic abuse. It's very difficult when small children are involved, they will not know what is or is not abuse but they will be noticing it as they get older. Their mother will always be their number one love, they will not like seeing her and her mother being "left out" . Just keep being as loving as you can to all of them. You're right to feel angry at witnessing rude and controlling behaviour. Let your daughter know you love her hugely, tell her in front of the children, let your side of the family be about love, not control.

I am in a similar position except that while treating my DD as an interloper, MIL and SIL’s sister show scant interest in my three gorgeous DGCs so I share your feelings of an enraged mother bear Vampire Queen.

All of which would be easier to cope with if they didn’t live on the other side of the world. My gentle kind DD has suffered loneliness and cruel barbs since she arrived there. SIL is treated little better since he committed the sin of bringing home a Pommy girl 14 years ago and an adopted one at that.

He does stick up for her but on the whole doesn’t want a family war. I want to give them a piece of my mind but I know I cannot do more than tell her how much we love her every day and try to keep her pecker up, especially during every other week when SIL is away at work. They have recently moved further away from these nasty people and made new friends and that has helped.