Grandparents and Favoritism

‘I love you but I don’t like you very much’ I’ve said this to a grandson who did and said things that at best were dubious but I accept that his nature is different to his sisters and cousins and we have a distant relationship.
It seems you’ve tried to improve things and hasn’t worked maybe it’s time to just accept things as they are and just enjoy what you have.

I tell mine they are each my favourite,my grandson is my favourite GS ...he's the only GS,The girls are my favourite 11 year old and 9 year old and 7 year old.I genuinely dont have a favourite they are all great kids.I too was a middle child and used to my mum saying that my older sister was "the beautiful one" and the younger was" her gorgeous baby" so I make sure mine are all treated the same 15 is a very difficult age to be,especially nowadays.YOU are the adult its up to you to make the effort with this boy.Find something that he is interested in and make an effort with him .It will be so worth while in the long run

I am assuming that these DGC are siblings. Your DGD sounds delightful and you obviously have a lovely relationship, in contrast your DGS sounds distant and uncaring. Is he like this with other family members? If so he may have a communication or social awareness problem.
It seems odd that siblings reared within the same family unit should be so different.
15 year old boys are pretty uncommunicative at best but it sounds as if this has been a long term problem and not just teenage hormones suddenly kicking in.
He is on the cusp of adulthood and I doubt his nature will change now.
You and your DGD share sunny and loving personalities, sadly DGS does not and you cannot change that.
Please don't feel guilty about this, you have tried and it hasn't worked with him and doubt it ever will.
Rejoice and nurture the wonderful relationship that you have with your granddaughter.

really*sparkly*? you tried so give up? Not how I believe we should ever treat our children or their children.My 15 year old GS will discuss most things with us ..because we always treated him as though his opinion counts.No wonder so many are stranged from family if they just give up on a 15 year old child ..it beggars belief

I'm with paddyann on this one; I cannot imagine any circumstance where I would say that I had not one (really?) good thing to say about a child. That it is a grandchild is beyond my understanding and my very strong suggestion is that that you re-double your efforts and do whatever it takes to 'fake' caring until you make caring a reality.

A 15 year old boy. That's a difficult age. He's not really a child but neither is he fully adult. His hormones will be all over the place. Communicating with Grandma may not be terribly "cool" for the moment.

He may also be picking up on the issues you yourself have/ have had with some of your own siblings and Parents and your elder daughter - I don't know that, obviously, but it might have a part to play in how things are.

If, as others have wondered, he has always been difficult to communicate with, then perhaps he does have some social communication difficulties - is he like this with other people, too? If so, perhaps that's an area that might require further investigation, but that's for his Parents to handle.

Try not to transfer any of your own discomforts of your past onto your GS when communicating with him, and please, don't give up on him.

You've said your GD is of a quite different disposition, and much easier to get on with, and how you could go on and on about her personal attributes. It's quite likely your GS is picking up on this. Think back to how you felt when you were younger and felt your Mother had favourites - do you want your GS to be feeling the same?

I think your GS will be picking up on the fact that, to quote you, you find him:

negative
Sour
boring
Opinionated
Critical
Spoiled
Personality- less

Whereas you find your GD, to quote you,

Loving
Caring
Affectionate
Funny
Smart
Witty

You don't give your GS any redeeming qualities at all and you don't give your GD any faults at all. This can't be true of either of them - they are both human beings with good points and not so good points.

Re read what you have posted and consider what you are saying about them both and how your feelings toward each one will be affecting them both.

Some of this probably sounds quite blunt - I don't mean to be rude - but it does come across as if you favour your GD over your GS. Instead, you need to accept that they have quite different personalities and respond to things differently and try very hard not to indicate by your actions and speech that you prefer one over the other.

At 15 , I would imagine your GS can tell you don’t think much of him. As others have said boys are not always as communicative. I’m not surprised that he doesn’t relate very well to you.

I agree with Mapleleaf.
We all have different personalities and get on better with some people than others. Even young children can pick up on how others feel about them, you really don’t give the poor lad a chance.

I suppose with the 15 year old being so far away from you it may be difficult for him to form a bond with you in the way you would like grannycakes?

Excuse me for saying this but you do seem to have issues stemming from past jealousy of your sibling and your mothers show of preference to your daughter so maybe you have preconceived ideas about how your grandchildren should be? Just a thought?

Personally I think it’s perfectly natural to gel with some people more than others in every walk of life. Accepting other people as they are is more important than having them as we want them to be. JMO

I have lots of kids and grandkids- I can honestly say I don’t favour any over the other but doesn’t mean I don’t get angry at certain traits or things that are said and done. Thing is - it changes all the time! One child will be adorable and another hellish, but the following week the hellish child will be adorable and so on. I just suck it up and keep schtum.

I would just say keep in contact. Keep being loving and don’t overthink any situation. Que sera and all that. HTH

Mapleleaf. I seem to have reiterated most of what you said. Sorry I was typing and only just read yours

It sounds as though the Grandson has picked up on your dislike of him, whilst watching you pour love and affection on your Grandaughter, I feel sorry for the poor boy, no wonder he doesn’t regard you with any affection.

That's ok, Blugal. We're thinking along similar lines, that's all. ?

Are we not being a little harsh on grannycakes? She has said that she has tried for 15 years to have a warm, fun, loving relationship with dgs but he doesn't respond. It must be difficult and I wouldn't want to be in her shoes. As someone else has said, does he have problems with other people as well? If so, it's not really down to grannycakes, is it? All you can do is try to treat them equally (bearing in mind that you're bound to have more in common with a girl anyway). Maybe he's closer to the other granny or grandad?

Paddyann, I too have a 15 year old grandson plus other younger grandchildren.
We are not "stranged" whatever that word in your post means?
We get on well.
May I ask you where in my post to GrannyCake that I asked her to give up?

typo .. sparkly

He is on the cusp of adulthood and I doubt his nature will change now.
You and your DGD share sunny and loving personalities, sadly DGS does not and you cannot change that.
Please don't feel guilty about this, you have tried and it hasn't worked with him and doubt it ever will.

looks like giving up from here !

Paddyann, I look forward to your words of wisdom for GrannyCakes15.

Is this post for real ?

Your issues with your brother seem to have coloured your relationship with your grandson I would imagine your total adoration of his sister has not gone unnoticed by him over the years children are very clever at picking up vibes without a word being uttered
In a few short phrases I have a picture of you playing and loving and enjoying a sunny little girl while the boy is barely tolerated and actually not really liked
Mabelleaf is correct everything you describe about the lad is totally negative and everything about the girl adoring
It’s interesting that you intensely dislike your brother because you believed your mum favoured him
You have a hurtful and upsetting relationship with your daughter because your mum favoured her ....
Then you do exactly the same and favour one child over the other and wonde4 why you have no relationship with the boy
I feel sorry for this lad I bet he has had a bellyful of his sister and you

Teenagers can be surly and unresponsive. My first GD was a difficult teenager for a time, but university changed her and now, at 26, she is outgoing, self-assured, in a good relationship and building a good career. And very affectionate to yours truly. So please, grannycake, don't give up on your GS. Be sure that if he achieves anything special, you tell him you are proud of him . I try to acknowledge goals or tries scored, good reports, races won. Just an email or a text makes them feel they are valued.