Welcome to the new Argy Bar and cafe, abandon hope all ye who enter here.?

Everyone knows germolene is to ferrets what catnip is to cats, poor boys, no wonder they were screaming. Ladies this is why we can't keep our men, we haven't even got to Christmas yet

Trev and Thor have had a good scrub and are now ferret free.
I've thrown a few stale cheese and onion pies in the cellar and it's keeping the little darlings blighters happy.
Why does Lemon love them so much?
They're no good for anything and cause mess and upset all the time.
Perhaps we should round them all up and set them free, or we could try to sell them as designer dogs, with the new little outfits on I'm sure some of our clientele wouldn't know the difference.
Lemon might go for that one, it would bring in lots of extra money.
A pint of Cherry B, please Trevor!

Brilliant buffy. Fantastic idea. Some idiot fashionista will snap one up as the latest accessory. How much do you think we can charge for them? ? No need to tell lemon. She'll think they've run off somewhere. ?

Well..... I think they sell for at least fifteen hundred.
We'll tell them it's a Minature Chihuahua!
I've put a cage down there and baited it with fish-heads.
The cute outfits are ready and I've bought diamante collars.
All we need to do now is catch the little bu..ers darlings!

Fifteen hundred! Each! ?Just think what we could do with the money. We could have the bar re done. A new loo with a soft close white leather lid and coloured mood lighting. Quick let's get it done before lemon finds out.?

We've caught the first one Doodle, look he's in the cage, all sad!
I feel a bit sorry for him!
Never mind, He'll be fine when he's living the life of a pampered pooch.
What shall we dress him in?

Hmm what about a nice little sequinned waistcoat, some black satin trousers and a little bow tie. Give him a bag of pork scratchings that should cheer him up. Have you got any buyers lined up? We need to make sure they go to good homes or lemon will be upset.

Typical, I nip in for a late one and the usual clientele are pie - eyed and slumped over the bar, comatose once again. Mind you Thor and Trev have nodded off too. Sadly they are fully clothed so that's a disappointment. You just can't get a decent trollop in this place of late, one who'd make sure the new recruits worked topless. There's solid grease on those rock hard pies yet not one of the regulars had slathered it all over Thor and Trev. and

I do hope Lemonis aware standards are slipping. Maureece, loitering outside with his jeans full of stale pie bulges ( bless him, he tries) informed me it had been quiet tonight. He mentioned he saw skinny little dogs dressed in sequined suits being led away by tarty looking hussies with big handbags. What's going on????

I am talking to myself again because the usual suspects have
conked out. Maureece is threatening to do a bit of karaoke, he does a good Max Bygraves apparently. Could it get any worse?

I am having a rum and black and notice we are out of bar snacks. When I told Maureese I had the midnight munchies he said " Here, chomp on this darlin'" as he unzipped his flies. You can imagine how shocked I was.

He proceeded to pull out a huge one. A massive stale cheese and onion pasty. Oh well, it was fairly warm too, so I suppose I should be grateful for small mercies.

Living' it large at the Argy Bargy. Sigh.

Maureese swears he was only doing a Max Bygraves when he dribbled, winked and came at me singing "I've got hands...."

I am going to talk to the few remaining ferrets in the cellar. They are better company.

Hello Day! I know, it's been very quiet in the Argy for a few nights now.
Do you want to buy one of these designer Chihuahuas, they're very good company and pretty much housetrained?
Maureeese has bought one for three quid, he's strutting up and down like the Queen! ?
No-one behind the bar?
I'll just help myself to a Warnincks Advocaat and brandy chaser.
I think we should do a Black Friday Sale at the Argy to try to drum up custom.
I'll make a sign and stick it outside.

Ooh Black Friday sale. What could I have that would be fitting. Buffy I think I will have a triple Guinness and anchovie cocktail please. Nice warming drink for a cold night.
Three quid for one of our mangy ferrets beautiful Chihuahuas! That's not much. We will have to re do the bar in plastic not leather if that's the case. Oh well never mind, bottoms up ?

The ferrets were being very uncooperative and nipping prospective punters and trying to run up their trouser legs.
A ferret trait as I've found out.
I'll join you in a Black Friday drink.......Triple Guiness and anchovies
please Thor.
Such a nice boy!!!!!

Leave you lot alone for a few days and look what happens!
Who’s been upsetting our ferrets? A few are missing as well.
I have just popped in with some little knitted outfits for them as I had some leftover yarn.
Next week we must start decorating the bar for Christmas,
I’ll bring the tree, does Maureese have the balls?
I have been for a bit of a sail with the Admiral for a few days,
We have been splicing the mainbrace a bit too often which has caused him to limp ( of course, his wooden leg doesn’t help matters.)

Ooh yes Maureese does have the balls I can testify to that. Oh you mean for the tree yes I think he has those too.
I think buffy we may well forget trying to sell the ferrets as we haven't had much in the way of takers. Actually in those little knitted outfits they look quite cute.
lemon, marydoll will be very cross if you've incapacitated the Admiral. You know what she's like. Oh well, let's just concentrate on making it a glam occasion for Christmas. I have some tree lights (might be a bit bright as I pinched obtained them from the local football stadium ?)

Marydoll where are you, I know the fox and Ferkin attracted you down the road but surely you owe the Argy a visit?

Sorry fellow Argie Bargies, I've not deserted you, just not been too well and couldn't muster up the energy to think of some witty repartee. Feeling a bit of a party pooper!
Don't worry, I will be back with a vengeance, especially if I find someone has been messing with THE ADMIRAL!
Night my lovelies?.

Ahem! Cough cough, did I say the Admiral? I meant the Captain....I know you are the Admiral’s girl Marydoll and I never mess with anyone from ( or near) Glasgow, and I’m not even lying !
Anyone seen Thor? We have a hot date, he promised to meet me when he had watched the Strictly dance off......wonder if he has escaped out the back?

Stay and have a nightcap Marydoll I will mix you up a hot toddy, followed by an Irn Bru and Guiness, that’ll put ((more) hairs on yer chest.
Then get yersel hame by midnight and a good nights sleep,
No need to get worked up and bad tempered.......right, I’m off then.........

Marydoll good to hear from you, sorry you've not been well but if you will burn the candle at both ends what do you expect?? I'll keep a pint of creme de menthe in the fridge just for you x

Sounds good! However it may blow my head off if I take it was well as the antibiotics and steroids! It's nice to be missed.

You are the glue that holds us reprobates together, your (dodgy) standards are what we live by Marydoll

marydoll sorry you are poorly. You should have let us know so we could look after you. Right I have rid the sofa of all the ferrets and put a nice warm blanket there for you. I have pinched one of soop's cosy cushions from the new kitchen for you so you just settle down and we will wait on you hand and foot. lemon is making you a hot toddy. meno will soothe your fevered brow. buffy will make you some lovely homemade stew ( I'll make sure she strains the ferret bits out first) and Thor will ........ actually probably not a good idea to get too aroused while you're poorly so I'll keep him occupied elsewhere ?

Here's some "lovely"homemade stew, this will soon have you on your feet Marydoll. You might need to be
Bad news on the Chihuahua ferret sales, they've all been returned apart from Maureese's, as he's more than happy for it to run up his trouser leg and curl up in his posing pouch.
It's quite eye-catching!
I'll have a pint of Snakebite and a bag of Pork Scratchings please Trevor.

Oh ladeeees, you are spoiling me with kindness. I am in great need of TLC.
Bad news, I dragged myself from the Admiral's bed, my sick bed and made my way to the Argy.
On the way I felt faint, collapsed and opened my fake eyelash framed gorgeous, red, bloodshot eyes, to find a HUGE, blond god of Viking appearance, wearing a high viz vest, enormous BIG boots and nothing much else, trying to bring me round
Thor, says to tell you he's too exhausted to do his shift tonight.

Ah Marydoll back in the room, good to see/hear!

I hope you left his hammer in good working order Marydoll ?!
Nice to have you back again, just keep your hands out of the till and off Thor and Trev please.