Marriage and Retirement

I am always at a loss when subjects like this come-up. If someone has lived in an unsatisfactory relationship like this for decades, it is going to be very hard for their partner, who has also been in the relationship for decades and is, no doubt, happy with it, to be suddenly confronted with the knowledge that the worm has turned.

The puzzle is why the dissatisfied one ever let a relationship like this go on for so long in this way. Surely in the first flush of a marriage, when partners are at their most malleable, is the time to ensure that the partnership operates on an equal basis.

I come from a military family and where we were stationed and how often we moved, was not even in the hands of my father, but the Ministry of Defence, who made the decisions on postings. It neither stopped my parents having a relationship of absolute equality, nor my mother following, if not a career, certainly a satisfactory working life.

Surely, when you marry you take into account what demands or restrictions your spouse's occupation may place on you. I married someone whose work frequently took him away from home at very short notice for indefinite periods of time. I knew from the start that I would need to accommodate this and effectively become the family 'chief executive' running home and family. Sometimes, I was virtually a single parent. I still managed to work and have a good career.

ups Perhaps instead of sitting down and telling your DH what you want, which might result in him feeling threatened by your new assertiveness, you could try a collaborative approach.
Ask him if he would like to do a SWOT analysis with you.
What this means is that together you look at what your situation might be when he has retired, and work out:
The Strengths - what might be the good things
The Weaknesses - what might be difficult
The Opportunities - what you might be able to do that you can’t do now
The Threats - what could happen that might be to your disadvantage or detriment.

This is a non-confrontational approach and you might be surprised at what you learn about each other’s feelings.
Good luck.

My mum was the same, Marhtajolly1. My dad made all the decisions - he worked whilst my mum looked after us 4 children. My dad was a good man, but he had the say in everything. He chose all the furniture, carpets, wallpaper, etc., and he had his hobbies such as photography and keeping tropical fish. My poor mum didn't have any friends (she never went anywhere without us children), despite being a lovely, kind, gentle LADY. (she was from London, and her mum, brother, aunties, etc., were all there).

I was determined not to lead the life she did. I stayed at home for 17 to bring up my children, but then when my mum died (I was 36, mum was 72 then), I suddenly realised I needed to get my own life sorted out.

I learnt to drive, got a job where I worked shifts, and I made some friends, did a college course, and insisted to my husband that we go out and do things (meals, day trips, cinema, etc) - my mum hadn't done anything. She's never even tried "foreign" food, had an automatic washer or been abroad.

Now, I make the decisions to do things, and I have friends I go to aerobics with, other mates I see for lunch, and some just for a chat on the 'phone.

I am sorry for your situation upsanddownsandarounds and it sounds like you are living abroad at the moment, not working and living your life in the shadow of your DH who sounds incredibly unsympathetic. I agree that you need to have this discussion with your DH as eventually presumably you will need to make a decision as to where you will base your home. Presumably your AC are no longer living with you? Are they in the UK?

I'm 59, my husband 60. Because I've worked mainly part-time (after having 17 years at home to bring up our sons), I've never paid into a pension. My husband pays into a pension and has always worked full-time.

I spend money as I earn it - I don't think about 10 years ahead, a year ahead, or even the end of this year!

Irresponsible or stupid, some will say - but after doing care work for 22 years, I've seen hundreds of people who have had big houses, lots of money, but who are completely reliant on others to do the basic things for them. I say enjoy now, don't think of the future. Our house is paid for, we've got no debt, and we enjoy life now.

I am so sorry to read this. I'm afraid that I have a tendency to assume that posters are in the UK (although I know they often aren't). It sounds as if you are 'stuck' somewhere in a very unhappy situation.
I can only suggest that you look at your options, what rights you have where you are, and also if you returned to the UK; and who might help you. I know that if I had to have a difficult discussion, I would like to know where I stood.

I found that continually repeating silently in my head the words ‘ no one’s life is more important than another's ‘gave me the confidence to say no that isn’t going to work for me. Thereby opening up a discussion etcetc .
You have as much right to live a life you are happy with as anyone else.good luck

upsanddown how horrible for you. Good luck with the discussion, hopefully venting on here has helped to get your arguments marshalled? Hugs and

Thank you for all your replies. As soon as I'd posted this and saw my words, I thought what an idiot I was for posting. After 35 years of trying to talk about anything, I know or should say, don't know the answers to anything. That sounds like it doesn't make sense, but no, there has never been a real open and honest discussion. I think I was desperately venting.

To explain situation a little better, like Stella and Widgeon
my husband was military and so for all those years it was constantly moving, so not able to have a job or career of my own. I should also explain he is not English, so there has been a lifetime of me fitting in with his life, everything in actual fact. He was used to issuing orders and everyone jumping. I should have gone back home way in the beginning, but international custody laws, didn't want to put my children through that. As it turns out, it would have been better for them too if we had. He has made some very poor choices, including financial through the years. There was a promise in the beginning of a little place back home, now house prices are astronomical. The only dream/hope/desire I have ever mentioned to him is having a little garden so I can have a few flowers, may be a little veg. plot. Met with stony silence and he turns his back and walks away. Yet he achieved virtually all his career 'dreams' and goals and more.

I started to write more, but deleted, as obviously this is more than just about retirement I suppose. Times going by, I know I have to broach this yet again, cover your ears..

I agree kittylester. Also because we talk and share quite a lot, we tend to know how each other is thinking . A couple of major things have come up in the last few months, and we'll say something like 'oh, I need to have a think about that.... can you look up some information....I'll ask X what they think....then we'll have a good talk about it'.

I am blessed in many ways, one being that I grew up in a family where women were taken for granted as equals, where decisions were to be discussed, and budgets made as a partnership.
My mother would have been shocked by women who don't know their pension entitlements or household budgets. I realise that is not always the case. For women who are struggling to know what to do, you can ask here, or try Money Saving Expert. State Pensions can be looked up on gov.uk

I agree with your post Monica. We chat all the time but we do occasionally have TALKS if something major comes up.

What are your "hopes and ideas" that haven't been realised, OP? If they involve vast sums of money and you just haven't got them, you might have to reconsider. Sometimes life throws us cheaper and better ambitions that involve having time to spend, rather than money.

Paw was bounced into (early) retirement by a perforated bowel and lymphoma. Too early to draw on any pension.

I worked on to keep the home fires burning for another 18 months but it became apparent that my new Head was going to be less tolerant of days off to take him to London hospital appointments so I retired shortly after DGS1 was born.
Paw was then on ESA as he had no income whatsoever.
Although we hadn’t discussed it much, fortunately Paw had beavered away quietly to arrange a pension he could draw on when he reached 65, although unfortunately the “economic downturn” had made serious inoads on his pension pot which was drastically reduced. But he survived and we paddled along until last Autumn.
Do talk things over, perhaps with a financial adviser if necessary, but be prepared
If you need to downsize, plan accordingly but also have in mind how you hope to spend your time. A chance to realise some of your hopes perhaps?
Good luck!

I have a friend who was frankly appalled that I was retiring without a plan. Nearly 4 years in, I'm still winging it. If I'd thought about it too much I'd still be on the treadmill, instead of loving freedom and all that it brings. Life's too short and too precious, and sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith.

Though of course I did plan to have a state pension at 60 after paying in for 44 years, but someone else scuppered that plan for me.

I am always surprised by the number of problems that come up on Gransnet where couples need to sit down and Talk. As if every issue, small and large, needed to be the subject of carefully negotiated discussions like those between Trump and the North Koreans.

What do people do on a day to day basis? Live in silence? Discuss nothing but what to eat? DH and I have never had a Talk, or at least, not that I can remember. All these issue: hopes and ambitions, life in retirement, where to go on holiday are all part of the bibble-babble of our daily lives, they just arise, bubble to the surface at various times and over a number of casual conversations get sorted.

We do not live in each others pockets, we both have very different interests, as well as those in common, and we have always just chatted to each other about this and that, everything and nothing. Isn't that what being in a partnership means?

Why is it so hard to convert talk into action? A flood in our bathroom damaged the ceiling in the dining room below. Must be three years ago now. Damage dealt with immediately but we still haven’t redecorated!

Ours is sorting out the workshop/shed and the garage. We talk about it a lot ( but no action.)

We didn't really plan much at all either. In fact the the only thing we planned was to sort out the garage. Eighteen months later we still haven't done it.

If you have definite hopes and dreams for retirement then you must talk about it.
We just bumbled into retirement, although Mr L still likes some part time work ( for the interest, and the little grey cells) at 71.
We are very happy and life seems to happen to us rather than planning it.We both have interests, groups, WI, book clubs and are NT members, and family are close by so we help out.Retirement is no big deal to worry about, in fact it’s lovely to not be ruled by the clock.

You can get a state pension forecast from the Pension Service, and you should be able to find out about any occupational pensions, including lump sums, which may be due.
Once you know your financial situation there may be decisions to make about housing, lifestyle and whether one or both of you might need to carry on working part time.

Apart from that, it would be good to share your thoughts and hopes about the future. Probably best to spread this conversation out over a few occasions, especially if he is the silent type. Maybe drip- feed some ideas or things to think about?
Although DH and I both retired from teaching at the same time, he straightaway took on another p/t job to help out in a difficult situation. This grew, in hours and duration, so he was virtually full time again, and we had to plan time off to make sure we had some time together.
Unfortunately this went on for ten years, so we have not had much time together yet.
I increased my leisure commitments and started voluntary work, also had time available for grandchildren. My life is pretty full, but I am sad that we don’t do enough together. DH cannot fly so unless I go on my own or find someone else to go with, I shall probably never visit some of the places I would like to. We can’t really talk about this easily as it is because of his health.
In many ways I feel disappointed and disillusioned as I had hoped after years of family and work commitments, to look forward to a new way of living, with plenty of travelling, and quakity time together, but actually DH has his own interests he wants to pursue and it is still difficult to find time to do things together.

widgeon3

I think the most obvious thing to think about is how you will be placed financially.

You mention plans and dreams, and of course retirement is when we have the time to indulge these dreams, provided we have enough money to do so.

You should have a rough idea by now about how you see retirement panning out, but it sounds as though you have no idea if your husband shares those dreams.

If you feel money might be an issue, then it's good that you have a few years left to try to see how you could increase your income in retirement, as that of course is the key to fulfilling dreams.

If I were you, I would pick a quiet moment when my husband was in a good mood, and broach the subject.

You call your husband the main breadwinner, so I'm assuming you do have a job. If so, why don't you start by finding out exactly what your pension will be? CAB may be able to help you with details of state pensions, benefits etc.
Then tell your husband what you have found out and say you are worried how you will manage financially and how you will be spending your time.

Ask for details of his pension - it's your income too, after all, discuss whether you want to move to a smaller, more convenient house, if that is applicable, and what you would really like to do.

We both really want to go to India for a while, and I have never been either to Austria or Hungary and want to go there, too.

Unfortunately, lots of people never give retirement a thought and a lot of men feel their identity and self respect disappeared along with their job when they retire.

They spend all day sitting on the sofa, watching TV or mooching around and if you are married to one of that kind, he will leave all the housework to you, too.

Good luck getting your other half to talk, I hope I am wrong in assuming that he is about as chatty as an oyster!

Mr. S. is retiring in about 4.5 months. I say about because we have our own business which will be closing down, so the final date has still to be set.

We've had lots of conversations about this, looking into the financial implications and went to see an independent financial adviser which TBH I wasn't sure about doing, but am so pleased that we did.

The retirement of the main breadwinner can have huge implications for them and their partner so this is something that should be discussed.

I hope that you can get your husband to listen to your concerns upsanddowns he can only try to put you at ease if he knows what your worried about.

We're excited about Mr. S.'s retirement and I hope that when it arrives for your husband, you can both be excited too.

MY dh and I talk about our hopes and dreams often. We sit and chat over a glass of wine or lying in bed a little later over the weekend. I make sure he knows all of my dreams, how else can he help to make them come true? Ups and downs you ought to start telling your dh what it is you would absolutely love whether it be small things like go for a cream tea at the weekend or bigger things like destinations you would like to travel to. Ask him about his dreams. You might find you have some dreams in common. My dh and I both dreamed of owning a house in France and last year we bought that house. We would never had done that if we did not share our hopes and dreams. Start small then work up to bigger ones otherwise you could end up like Marthajolly's Mum and never find time for your own dreams.