Emotionally abusive??

Uncalled for and devastating when you know it is from your own child .Can you continue as if it never happened ?and refrain from any more' propping up'

oldbatty - I have noticed that the "children" of my generation have/had more respect for their parents grandparents and people such as teachers, police, vicars, etc than the younger generation do. You can comment on other peoples' views if you want but what would you suggest is the way forward with the younger generation?

westerlywind I know exactly what you mean - my oldest friend and I are often gobsmacked / bemused / outraged by what we are apparently held responsible for by our adult children. My parents were very far from good but I just accepted that was my lot in life. And also lizzypopbottle it was the same in our family - you would think my 2 siblings and I were brought up in 3 separate families, our memories are so different. So Ingrid45 I'm sorry to say this seems the way of the world now - after the first 100 times you get accused of something you haven't done, it gets a bit easier - not much consolation, sorry ?

Belgravia I think you could right about blaming parents. As a therapist and trainer I always always tell clients and students that it is easy to find causes for our behaviours and then blame that person or people. Good well trained therapist do not lead clients, and if they do, it might be that they are counter transferring and projecting how they feel about their own parents. They need help themselves if they do that. This is the sort of thing I say to client.’Now I know you might think your parents are to blame for your behaviour, but you are a mature person now who can also be emotionally mature’. Your parents did the best they could with the resources they had at that time’. What would you say to going through a forgiveness of both them and yourself as you have put yourself through anger and bitterness. It might not mean that all will be hunky dory again, but right now you need some emotional freedom’.

Clients often feel a real sense of release no matter what the outcome might be.

My advice is to stop therapy if the therapist appears to be leading you and find someone who steers you towards finding your own resourcefulness.
Anyone who posts on social media about private matters could suggest emotional immaturity and a need to hurt for whatever reason they have.

Exactly what MOnica says.
When my daughter has what we jokingly call her 'wobbles' I'm the punch bag. I've been called every name under the sun, including the c word.
Yes, it does hurt but my backs broad and I know in my heart that she hates herself for saying it.
But I would never ever bring these accusations up in conversations. I've tried to live my life by "let sleeping dogs lie" and "a still tongue makes a wise head"

we cannot go backwards. Smacked bottoms, teachers caning pupils and National Service are not really helpful ideas, in my opinion.

I can imagine how terribly hurt you feel. There are a million possibile explanations but the only response I can think of is to say to your daughter is "I saw these comments online, can we please talk about this" and leave it as open as possible. Tempting as it is to say how terribly hurt and puzzled you were I think it is better to not say that because it already sets the tone of the conversation. None of this is easy. ?

mmm Ingrid a couple of thoughts.....how did you come across this information? Were you at some level almost expecting it/looking for it?

I'm not sure the partner with the gambling addiction can cause depression. The situation sounds unpleasant but the depression may have prexisited.

Third thought is sorry, this must be so hurtful for you especially as you have supported her so much

The person who is being emotionally abusive is her partner who has a gambling addiction and is using up all her hard earned money. He is 17 years older than her and it is highly likely has involved your daughter in a relationship which may have some elements of coercion. Hence her depression and inability to get out of the situation having found it intolerable. It may well be part of the 'coercion' concerns your role in her life completely misrepresented by her partner.

There is a 3 step process abusers use which includes love bombing which is I think a honeymoon period when everything the love object, your daughter, does is perfect and then followed guilt trips etc. After all she was just 20 when she took up with him and at that time he was very probably an attractive mature man.

a person who has been love bombed is always trying to return to that period of joy and as a result does not get there act together and does not leave.

see relate website and wikipedia.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abusive_power_and_control

Another aspect of a love relationship is that the longer we have put effort into maintaining it the harder it is to leave it and let it go.

I am so sorry your daughter is in this position and that her partner (probably) has influenced her to feel any depression is your fault.

You must feel very hurt. I do think our adult children's generation post far too much on social media. Family issues should be kept within the family. Without knowing you or her, impossible to know what she means by emotionally abusive. Curious as to how you managed to inadvertently read the comment on her social media? Presumably if you weren't supposed to be reading it, you can't really discuss it with her. Some people use media sites to blow off steam. It makes them feel better and is sometimes then instantly forgotten. It may have been instigated by something pretty minor at a time she was already feeling stressed or upset. Please don't let it sour an obviously loving relationship with her. She obviously needs you.

M0nica your post reminded me of my sister's extreme reaction after our father died. Out came the most surprising and, to my other sister and me, illogical accusations of slights and favouritism visited on her primarily by us but also by our parents. We didn't remember any of these things that she had stored up for more than fifty years! Certainly, I remembered her as the favoured one (youngest of three) who got new clothes while I wore my older sister's hand-me-downs. She also had a bike (I never had a bike) and was pretty with blonde hair!

It would never occur to me to harbour resentment about such things. By the age of 14 or so I was making my own, fashionable clothes, had no desire to cycle anywhere and had to fend off the boys! If I wanted a bike now, I'd get one but no thank you! I have a car! I don't resent my older sister either, even though she had many advantages by being first born.

When we become adults we have to (try to) throw off the emotional baggage of a normal childhood. I'm certain my parents never meant to make differences between us. We suffered no abuse, physical or emotional as far as I remember. They brought us up with love and security (and rules!) to the best of their ability. They were human with human faults and their own, wartime childhood experiences to rationalise. Money for new clothes and bikes was pretty tight until we were old enough for my mother to get a job. My late husband and I did the same with our three. I hope their memories of childhood are mainly positive. It's proper weird that my sister remembers things so differently! ?

I have watched among my friends and on here and it appears to me that the generation who are our children will never be satisfied with anything us parents did for them. They still expect us to babysit and give money and generally do as we are told (meet their demands) and if we don't there is always the default punishment of withdrawing out much loved grandchildren from us.

I am not sure but I do wonder if the fact that our children were brought up in times when parents did not smack bottoms and teachers did not have belts has made them think they are so much more perfect than us.

The blame for absolutely everything rests with our generation. Mumsnet gives such an insight in the minds of our children's generation. It is scary that people with those attitudes are bringing up a whole generation of children. Someone mentioned National Service earlier, maybe a good idea.

HurdyGurdy Well said. Good grief.

The general advice here seems to be to dismiss the daughter's comment as an act of self indulgence. That may be the answer but a bit of self analysis first would do no harm. How were siblings treated comparatively? How much criticism relative to encouragement? Was unhappiness or worry noticed. How well do you know her as an individual.

My father was emotionally abusive and it is not my imagination. His favourite saying was 'why can't you be like your sister' and I remember a childhood of spiteful comments and being sent to my bedroom at the slightest pretext. When I did well (for me) in a maths exam and ran home in excitement he said 'were you top of the class' when I said no he said 'so what are you pleased about, I bet your sister did better than that'. After that I didn't bother at school at all.

If after honest consideration, you cannot see anything that you have done, you could try asking her if she wants to go out for lunch and bring up the subject of something that you did together when she was a child and try to open up a conversation. You would have to be prepared to hear things that might be painful or that you don't agree with but it really is a choice as to what relationship you want or if you want one at all. I chose at the age of 19 not to keep in touch with my father although I did see him once after that which really just confirmed that I had made the right decision. Families don't have to stay in touch but if you do want to, I think you have to acknowledge her feelings.

I have every sympathy with you Ingrid45 and I agree with others that it sounds as if there's a bit of transference going on there, rather than look at her own situation. Facebook can be so damaging!
Incidentally Belgravian CBT does NOT include examination of antecedents, but purely on modifying present thoughts and behaviour, so I think you had a duff therapist!

I think we all need a friend who helps us face facts instead of a hug all the time . You have kindly taken on that difficult role . Maybe she doesn't like the truth only deep down she will know you are talking sense and time tell as she reflects . You are an honest friend . If she wants TLC there are plenty that will do just that . Don't feel hurt . You have supported her your way .

A mother's place is in the wrong. It always has been and always will be.

A couple of years ago DH and I were happily chatting when she suddenly stopped and said that she had felt really neglected by me in her teens and promptly listed, in a quiet unemotional voice all the things I hadn't done. She wouldn't let me respond and when she had finished resumed our previous conversation.

I was shell shocked. My memories of events were very different to hers. I kept quiet for a couple of days to recover and then discussed it with DH. He immediately contradicted several things she said, citing chapter and verse, his memories coincided with mine. I later discussed it with DS and he too had memories of things I had forgotten, which also contradicted what she said.

Fortunately I long ago realised that all of us have filters on our ears and what one person does and says will almost always be misheard and misinterpreted by the person to whom it is directed, especially if the recipient is a close family member. So I have just accepted what DD said as what she remembers through her set of filters - and of course my memories have gone through my filters! There is nothing I can do to change her views - or mine so I have just tucked into the back of my mind, until threads like this remind me.

So Ingrid, I can understand your shock and upset. But if this is how your DD's filters have interpreted your past actions, sadly, there is nothing you can do about it, except absorb the shock, do not dwell on her words and get on with your life.

"It sounds as if she has severe mental health problems."

Good grief - based on what?

I recently came across this article on emotional abuse. It gives an idea of what sorts of things are seen as emotional abuse by a parent.
www.bustle.com/p/11-signs-you-had-emotionally-abusive-parent-it-still-affects-you-now-63129

I'd want to know the reason for saying that, if I knew that one of my DC did say it.
Only you can know if asking your DD about it might clear the air, or cause further ill-feeling, but I hope you do manage to sort it out with her.

Been there, done that....!!! My daughter wrote on two different occasions saying I was crazy etc. Yes, it IS hurtful and I have never forgotten it! She's 'blocked' me now so that's solved that problem (not that I am on Facebook much - just to check on my gardening groups!!). Best not to
look ...!

Sounds a bit like “ blame transference” ... she maybe does not want to criticise her partner as she is under his spell ? Does not want to face up to reality ? but you have come into the firing line, an easy target. People who live with partners with major problems ( drink, drugs, gambling) strive to hide their unhappiness to others and are often in denial to enable them to cope with their lives. It takes a lot of strength to walk away from this scenario and start a new life. Personally I would have to have a calm chat about the comments as they are very hurtful. I would also think twice re any further “financial” support, as that enables the situation to continue if they both know they have a financial backer.

I meant 'try not to take it to heart'. rather than the breezy 'dont take it to heart'!!!

yes I think vast vague umbrella terms are used nowadays for issues that range from the mundane to the psychopathic. And some people will readily accept excuses....for their failures and situations. I think it muddies things rather than clarifies. But back to your personal predicament. That's horrid and only you can know if it can be breached directly. You could wait a bit if confronting now is not possible and say one day 'do you think I emotionally abuse you?' and see what she says and deal with it. As someone above says her actions could be labelled the same...just find out where and why she would use that term. In the meantime dont take it to heart. She obviously thought she was in a private/public anonymous space and is looking for sympathy.

Have you ever criticised her partner in front of her? I knew from day 1 that my ex was a hopeless mismatch (it was a rebound relationship), but it was my problem and I had to lie in the bed I'd chosen. Did not accept anyone else sticking in their oar, and would describe any such attempt as "emotional blackmail" or some equally meaningless phrase.

ps and I also hate the current fashion of giving everyone a meaningless psychological label.

Ingrid - don't be tempted to read that rubbish any more.
I've heard of something similar in other families.
The trouble with social media is that a person can get caught up in a discussion and write things in the heat of the moment. without considering the consequences.
And like others I hate the blame culture that's so prevalent now. What happened to personal responsibility?