Expectation that I will always pay

Once we were fairly confident that both sons were financially on firm ground, we did as has been suggested further up this thread, and offered to go halves or occasionally pay for our own share of the bill. They then realise you are not intending to pay their whack indefinitely.

Difficult situation but I'd probably start dropping hints about how many expenses you've had just lately and are having to economise. When the next meeting is suggested try saying why don't we bring food and stay home to eat - that breaks the habit of you paying all the time. Definitely do not remortgage to give them money - asking you to do that is a step too far!

We generally go to visit our son and usually end up going out to eat but both he and my husband split the bill most of the time - sometimes one or other will insist on paying the lot.

The OP wasn't just referring to going for a coffee. She said "dinner, brunch, coffee etc."

We always pay when it is our suggestion that we go out for a meal. Even when it is our son's or daughter's suggestion, we usually (though not always) pay because we want to and because we have fewer financial commitments than they do. However, it is never taken for granted that we will bear the cost. Both always offer to pay all or a share of the cost of the meal.

I think to say "if you can afford it, just pay it" misses the point. It is rude to assume that anyone - be they friend or relative- is going to pay, even if they usually do and even if they are much better off than you are.

Emma4 Since it is your son and his wife who suggest these meals, it really is quite cheeky to assume you will be paying. I'd be inclined to say I'll make something at home. I know it's extra work but they might realise that you don't want to keep paying out all the time

Is it perhaps possible that your son and daughter in law have got used to being over-indulged by you and by her family also? You say your son has NEVER bought you so much as a cup of coffee, which I find astonishing. You also then seem to contradict yourself by saying you'd feel guilty if , as another poster suggested, you "forgot" your purse. Surely even if your son and daughter in law are hard up they could occasionally run to the cost of a hot drink and a piece of cake?

I agree with BlueBelle ( once again) once a month is not a lot and it seems they really want to see you. If your finances are taking a hit then be honest with your family and tell them you are not able to treat them quite as often. Don't let resentment spoil your time with the family.

I think Eglatines question is important Do they come to meet you ( spending money on petrol or fares) To be honest if you ve always done it what can you expect unless you have a word with them and say Sorry my loves I m going to have to start going halves on the lunch I m not so flush these days You know once a month to treat your family isn’t a lot
You do say your young family are hard up and they are kind to come and visit every month you mention coffees or cafe so is it really that big a problem obviously if your situation has changed and now your hard up then it is if not be happy to see them and be glad you’ve got a family to treat

Stop paying for them.

My PIL spent years always helping everyone and offering to pay, and now that they've lived a bit longer than they expected, they're having to economise. Keep your money for harder times.

Treat them on birthdays if you feel like it, but start just having meals ready at home. It is way out of line for them to suggest going out, and then expecting you to pay. That's sponging, not just taking you for granted. They need to step up and be adults. They're parents now - they need to set a good example for their child.

But whatever you do don't remortgage . You may have to use your house to pay for your care home.

If it’s their suggestion to go out, rather than eat at home, then they should be prepared to at least pay for themselves even if they can’t afford to treat you.
Next time, just say ‘That would be nice but I’m a bit hard up just now - can you pay for yourselves today?’ Or ‘can we just eat at home today?’
They clearly perceive you as being better off than they are, and unless you tell them you either can’t afford to treat them, or more accurately that you resent doing so, they aren’t going to do anything differently, are they?

Won’t not want

It’s thoughtless, but if you’ve always paid they’ve no reason to think you want unless you say so.

Do they come to you or do you go to them. If they come to you I would just cook a nice meal. If it’s in the oven you can’t go out for one.

I have to say when we had a young family the cost of the petrol to go visiting parents was almost too much. If we’d had to pay for food once we got there it would have blown the budget.

Next time you're out together, I would just say "Can we split the bill?" If they say "No sorry, we're broke", then say "Okay but this is the last time".

[Lucky IMHO no good ditching resentments if the other paries are blatantly taking advantage (because the resentments will build up again). Best to deal with it once and for all.]

Oh dear!
Would the pleasant meetings for lunch, dinner or coffee dry up if you didn’t pay?
Can your son afford to pay?
If it’s only once a month and doesn’t break the bank is it just worth paying for the pleasure of their company?
Or will your resentment spoil the atmosphere?
No easy answers.

If you are queueing for a meal with a tray,go first and pay for yours and sit down leaving them to pay for their own. Or tell your son what you want and ask him to bring it on his tray. Then say you've left your purse at home and will pay him later. Ways and means. But always have a bank note hidden some where . I call it a Florence after a dear old lady who had her purse stolen but managed to get home without her buspass and door key because she kept a secret banknote in the inside pocket of her coat.( I found her purse thrown away by the thief and tracked her down )

Dear Emm No no no . Do not remortgage. They're overstepping boundaries by hinting. I'm talking from experience.

Thank you gmelon I like that idea. They may well stop meeting me once the free lunches dry up! I honestly think they only bother with me ‘cos I’ve got money to spend. They actually are hinting very heavily at the moment for me to remortgage my house and give them some of my equity to put down as a deposit. My DIL has recently told me she only keeps in touch with her grandmother - who she dislikes - to keep in her good books for inheritance purposes.

Emm14 - I don't think I am missing the point, which is, as I understand it, that you feel taken for granted.

I am suggesting that if you can afford it, and they know that, then you could just enjoy the pleasure of treating them, and ditch the resentments.

If you cannot afford it (and they know that) then the scenario is entirely different.

You don't have to tell them/him. Actions speak louder than words.
Over the next few weeks stop being so forthcoming with money .
They'll either pay their way or theyll have a quiet word with you explaing why they can't.
Hopefully they won't stop meeting you when you stop paying. That would be horrid.

Hi cherrytree59. I see them once a month - they live in another part of the country to me. It is usually their idea to go out for meals. And - they usually order the most expensive items on the menu! I don’t mind treating for birthdays etc - but it’s getting too much now. I am being taken for granted, i am feeling it keenly. I never, ever get anything in return - no special treats for my birthday or ‘just because you’re worth it mum’! My DIL is the worst - she is always hinting for something and expecting me to pay. It’s hurtful and makes me very sad

Again I think it is how often this happens if it say once a month then I would treat them and it would not bother me at all,if it is on a weekly basis why not suggest you meet up in each others homes and entertain there.

Hi Emm14
I suppose it depends on how often you go out with your family and if this is the only time you spend a with them.
Do you visit each others homes?
If they are on a strict budget then visits out for lunch, brunch etc is a luxury they may we ill afford.
Is it possible that your son and family will decide not join you in outings to avoid financial pressure and if so how will that affect you?

Thanks niobe but then I would feel guilty as DS would have to pay for me! He has NEVER bought me so much as a coffee - it would feel very strange being treated by my DS - sad, I know.

Thank you teatime that is a good idea

I think you miss the point luckygirl it doesn’t matter if I can afford it or not, does it?

Can you afford it? Then do nothing - just enjoy treating them, and do not harbour any resentments about it.

If it is breaking your bank, then tell them.

Just say 'shall we get separate bills or just halve it' works with ours but it took a bit of time and I had to be sure their finances were Ok before I pushed it.