Toxic daughter in laws

I'm fortunate to have a healthy relationship with S's partner.
She has my full respect and admiration and is a splendid Mother to my GC. Think she must think I'm ok too as they're all arriving for a short stay this afternoon. This was at her instigation so I must be doing something right. Can't wait! Another bonus is that I have made a new friend in the other Granny and we meet regularly which is delightful. On reflection, I do feel I could have done better with my own MiL in terms of visits. We had a very pleasant relationship but somewhat formal as opposed to warm. Think I could perhaps have made more effort there. Just a little theoretical regret.

We're all different. My MIL was all right, if a little overbearing at times. I think she might have been a bit lonely, having moved from a large city away from her friends and she found it hard to adapt so became a little over reliant on her sons.
However, my general theory is this: traditionally the wife takes on many of the things that mother did for her children and of course her ways will be different. There's sometimes a bit of hidden 'competition' - who's the best cook? for instance.
My BIL was asked by his wife in the early days of his marriage, "How was dinner?" The daft chump replied, "It was all right, but it wasn't like Mum's!" She resisted hitting him over the head with a saucepan but obviously wasn't happy at this answer.
Thankfully when I asked DH the same he replied, "Lovely, I thought Mum's cakes/pastry/whatever were light, but yours were better," which is the correct answer.

I only have a son but if I had a daughter I would have chosen someone exactly like my daughter in law. She completes our family.

I had the world’s best MiL and have the world’s best DiL! I’m truly sorry for those who don’t because they can be such wonderful relationships - completely different to the relationship with one’s own Mum or daughter.

There are bad DILs out there, as there are bad MILs. There are grabby grannies who expect to parent their grandchildren, and there are possessive DILs who shut out the inlaws.

But any relationship has to be built on trust and respect, and both of those need to be earned. A MIL will not get far if she treats her DIL like an incubator. Build a relationship with her as a person, if you ever hope to get a relationship with grandkids.

Why would any mother in her right mind allow her kids around someone who hates her or calls her toxic? If my MIL was like that, my son wouldn't know her. Instead, we've just come back from a wonderful week at "Granny's house."

I found my m-i-l difficult at first, not because she was nasty or interfering, far from it. It was because she was the total opposite of my own Mum who I had a difficult relationship with and who would flinch away if I went to hug or kiss her. My m-i-l was lovely, she hugged, kissed, listened and gave good advice which was always followed by 'but don't feel you have to do as I say'. I miss her very much.

I constantly work at having a good relationship with my DDiL. As some of you will know we have had a rocky ride but when my dad was so ill last week she was the one who kept asking me how he was. She sends me pictures of the grandchildren regularly and when my dad died on Friday she was the one to send me a comforting text. I praise her parenting, I admire her children and her home. I try and support her when she is down although we are 200 miles apart and I constantly try and keep the contact going. It is imperative to try and have a good relationship with your DiL. After all she holds the power. I regard myself as the grownup and constantly bend over backwards and I am finding it has its rewards. She asked me to go down and help when her son was born for a few days. I was immensely flattered.

I think a lot of the trouble is caused by the North European stereotype of mother-in-law, whether the husband's or wife's MIL as a horrible, carping, interfering person. For some reason comedians have always made jokes about bad MILs.

So children grow up expecting MIL to be difficult, and anything she does or says can be taken wrongly, because DIL or SIL expected it to be a criticism.

Other cultures have different expectations about MILs, but MIL is not a figure of fun in jokes in poor taste.

Everywhere in the world there are good and bad people, and that goes for all in-laws as well as blood relations.

However, there does seem to be a common opinion today that children belong first and foremost to their mother and her family, rather to their father and his.

Why the younger generation cannot see that children belong equally to both their parents, I do not know, but that seems to be the way it is right now.

So many threads on the site for toxic dil or sil Always reading this not a week goes by if someone mentions someone in the family. We struck unlucky ladies.
And my son wasn’t even married to her.

My MiL made it clear from the start that my only purpose was to produce grandchildren. A day or two before I had our first, she turned to DH and asked to be told when it was all over and to let her know if all was well with the baby. Relations have been strained ever since but at least I realised the importance of being an understanding, thoughtful MiL.

My relationship with my DIL is polite. I have never interfered. Have been shut out. Even though I have stepped up when needed. Attended anything when asked involving my grandchildren. Never left her out of any family occasion. I just have to accept my son chose not a very nice person. She is very entitled. She brought her first son on an app. She never talks to me. I ask her how she is just a shallow answer. I feel used by them. I could go on. My husband who isn’t normally effected by this sort of thing. Hides when they arrive. Although she seems to like him. ( men)

As M0nica and so many others have said, the majority of mil/dil relationships are solid, happy ones. They just don’t crop up on Internet forums very often. I have a wonderful dil, I love her dearly and I know she feels the same. It would make a rather boring read though wouldn’t it? ‘I visited me dil & dgs last week and she’d bought me a bag of cherries from the green grocer because I’d mentioned I hadn’t had them for ages’.

Does she usually turn to her own mother for support instead of me? Of course! Just because she became a wife and then a mother herself doesn’t mean she stopped being a daughter too.

As far a relationships with the families being 50/50, how often does YOUR son contact YOU? I can go weeks without hearing from my ds, I’m in contact with my dil almost everyday. I’m lucky that the pictures & little updates about my dgs come from her 99 our of 100 times. I’m immensely grateful to her, but also well aware that my son could make a lot more effort to include me.

I can't comment on this thread. I only have sons in law. I was a daughter in law for 6 or 7 years until my Mil passed away. I hope I was a good Dil, as in polite kind and thoughtful.

I think that's very true MOnica.

My Auntie (who is my best friend) has a DIL who is an absolute cow! Not because she’s a DIL - she’s just that sort of person ??

I was unfortunate in having a very miserable upbringing as my parents were selfish and abusive.
However my MIL & FIL were wonderful to me, through them I learned a lot about parenting.
I have a 3 adult children all of whom have great partners, I have welcomed them all into our family and will never judge or criticise them.

One of my DILs is a lovely girl, and we have always had a happy relationship.
The other has been hostile from the first. DS says that she feels I am bound to hate her because she has ‘taken away my son’.
I have tried to reassure her that she’s welcome to him, and that I have no reason whatever to hate her, but she remains very stiff and defensive. In no way could I criticise her - she has no faults apart from an apparent inability to be happy.
I have reached the conclusion that she probably has mental health issues - her relationship with her own mother is not good, and there is a family history of depression and schizophrenia. She and DS don’t seem very happy together and may part.
I feel so sorry for both of them, because I think they have affection for each other. There are just so many issues which seem to prevent them from being content together. I really wish I could help, but after ten years I have given up hope that she will ever thaw towards me.

I agree with MOnica - in my experience, these relationships are great in the main - as an almost 70 year old who frequently drops off/collects GC from school, I meet lots of the other children's mums who often say they wish they had one of their children's grannies close by to help out and give the sense of an extended family. Of course, DIL relationships have the potential to be difficult but if the relationship between mother and son is strong enough, any toxicity from the DIL to the MIL should be easily dealt with by the son's intervention. It's not a question of the son 'battling on the side' of the mother, but more one of him trying to get two women whom he loves to be kind to each other.

Not sure how prevalent they are, in response to OP's question. Some women have bad relationships, full stop, and they fall apart eventually, whether with a MIL, or partner. Meanwhile, those around them spend years wondering what they are doing wrong.

That's sad Muffin at least in my case my Ex saw his mum for who she was and would do anything to avoid seeing her. So for a while he got away with it because I'd take the kids to see her but there really was no pleasing her, she just bitched about me and the kids constantly. I don't understand it tbh I'd organise a day out and she seemed happy enough to come, she'd be fine all day then straight back to bitching. I just think it's a personality defect No one is ever good enough for their Son. It's just sad because ultimately they are the ones missing out.

I completely agree with Monica.

Our son chose well and we have a fabulous relationship with his wife, as we do with our SIL. We know how fortunate we are.

I remember what it was like being a DIL and I set out to do things differently. However I think it's probably more about the individual people - some get on and some don't.

My mum has a lot of serious problems and our relationship is really difficult and painful for me.

I honestly would have loved nothing more than a kind MIL who would have been willing to be a mum figure to me and someone I could be close to like that.

But she has hated me since she set eyes on me at fifteen and has honestly been awful to me ever since.

I have to put up with the hand fate has dealt me. DH is very sensitive about his mum and will put her feelings over mine and the kids.

I try and keep some distance and stay polite, but I’m not at all welcome in her family and she makes no bones about that.

She complained violently to DH that she wasn’t getting the “grandparent experience” she wanted as she expected to “have the babies whenever she felt like” but I’m afraid she and I would have to actually have a relationship based on trust rather than her flinging sh*t at me for that to happen. Even then frankly I gave up my career to look after my own littles, I actually do want to have them as much as possible myself.

Some of these mil/dil relationships are like mine: you can’t treat someone like sh*t on your shoe for literally years and then expect to be treated like the Queen Mother once the detested dil finally pops out the grandkid.

I mean, even now if she would make some effort with me I’d be more than happy to try and build a bridge but she doesn’t want to so -shrug- I don’t miss what I’ve never had

I have a wonderful daughter in law.

Being a MiL and a DiL is a two way street. Give and take and the acceptance that we are all very different. I get on very well indeed with my DDiL and have never had a crossed word. But we are very different and have completely different personalities. I have never tried to compete with her own parents (I couldn't anyway) who do things very differently to me. Having said that I do the bulk (if not all) of the childcare whereas they tend to help more financially. It works well for us as a family.

I've had two Mil's, the first couldn't stand me and made that clear from the day we met. All she could say to him when we split up after 27 years was "see I told you it would never last"
It was her loss, she's still alive has the odd visit from her Son but no contact with her GC not even Birthday or Christmas cards.
The second Mil was odd, I thought she was senile when we met but her Son wouldn't see it. He thought her taking her teeth out and holding conversations with herself was normal behaviour. She was only 14 years older than me and I tried to have a relationship with her but apart from being polite, sending cards etc it wasn't great and she's now died.
On the other hand I have a great Dil she tells me she is the daughter I never wanted. We get on great, we both love my son and she treats him well so what's not to like. I always struggled to find any common ground with my eldest Sons GF's and tbh I think that's because they never really seemed to have any respect for him. He's got a difficult personality, can be very prickly but we get on as we have a lot in common, except his taste in women I guess.I live in hope one day he'll find someone to love him for who he is and not what he's got.