When should you/shouldn't you 'betray' a confidence

As a parent I’d have been hurt and felt undermined by my parent, sister, or other loved one had kept a significant confidence. If I’ve been the person asked to keep a significant confidence, I’ve encouraged the young person to talk to their parent. It’s tough but it’s one of those opportunities to do the right, or least worse thing.

notanan From a child protection point of view it is a BAD idea to teach kids that its okay for an adult and a child to have "our little secret".YOUR secret may be harmless, but you set a dangerous precedent and are doing a groomers job for them

That’s not the situation that the OP is describing. An adult asking a child to keep something secret isn’t the same as a child confiding a problem or worry to an adult.

I do not think there is a general rule. It is done on a case by case basis.

DGC often share secrets with me - of the most trivial nature - what presents they have bought people for birthdays/Christmas, a surprise for a friend or something like that. These are what I called conspiratorial secrets with both party's complicit. Children love secrets and I see no problem with them, while they are trivial.

The real problem is when an adult makes a child feel uncomfortable by forcing a secret on them that they do not want or makes them do some thing they are not comfortable with and then forces secrecy upon them or if the child is planning something that would put them at moral or physical risk. If a child told me about something like these in secrecy, I would not think twice about taking appropriate action, which doesn't have to be a clear breach of confidence. Sometimes children tell you things like this because they want you to rescue them from a situation they are not happy about. Sometimes a solution can be found, without the child being aware you have breached their confidence.

In between are the problem areas and I would judge each case on its merits.

Fennel, I don't know what an EP is, could you clarify please. Also, have I understood that correctly that you decided to keep the young persons confidence?

And, what's about if it's an adult?

One of DH's brothers has shared stuff with us that we feel the need to share with his other brothers.

I think the situation is different between a family member and someone in a professional position.
Also the nature of the news revealed, and the age and maturity level of the person confiding.
If it was a grandchild, depending on age, I would discuss it with them and ask how they felt about telling their parents etc. But maybe follow up tactfully without betraying confidence.
One of the hardest decisions I had to make when working as an EP was a disturbed teenager telling me about sexual abuse by a family member. Some years previously. She just wanted to leave it at that, just get it 'off her chest'. I discussed it with my senior and decided to keep her confidence.

I wouldn’t betray a confidence but would hope to persuade the young person that talking to their parent or a professional would be the right wat forward . Depending of course what the problem was.

Speaking from experience I was terrified of my parents when I was a young teenager and ended up having a baby ( completely unaware that I was even pregnant) at 18.

I think perhaps you have to make it clear to any child under 16 that you can't give an undertaking to keep secrets. Also, if you tell the child that you will not lie for them if asked questions by a parent, they can then decide what to tell them.

Sometimes a child will confide a secret to an adult other than a parent HOPING that that person will tell his or her parent. This happened with me when my friend's son confided in me and I listened to him and then asked if he wanted me to talk to his mum. I remember the relief on his face that his mum could be told about his problem at last but he did not have to tell her himself.

I agree with Grannyactivist that safety trumps confidentiality every time.
If I realised where a conversation was headed I would tell the child that I may need to share the information with a parent before they divulged anything.

I would not betray a confidence as it would stop the person coming to me in the future.

Agree absolutely that it's wrong to have a secret but admit that we've often prepared something as a surprise.
I've said to my GCs that if anyone at all says or does anything that makes them unhappy or upset, they must tell one of their trusted adults.I
This is not my issue at the moment and I'm still following my own advice.

It is really no different if a young family member or friend confides in you.
If confidentiality is broken, trust will be broken too.

Trust is only broken if you promised to keep secrets in the first place.

Privacy and surprises are different but can be distinguished.

From a child protection point of view it is a BAD idea to teach kids that its okay for an adult and a child to have "our little secret".

YOUR secret may be harmless, but you set a dangerous precedent and are doing a groomers job for them.

I always told my children that no well intentioned adult keeps secrets with children, and if any adult tells them they will, tell another adult ASAP

I like ga's approach.
This is something I 'm currently concerned about.

I think that unless criminal behaviour is involved, confidentiality should always be respected.
I’m thinking of a mother who reported her son to the police because she realised he was involved with terrorist offences.

I know it is hard, but professionals (social workers, doctors, clinical psychologists for example) have to respect confidentiality. It is really no different if a young family member or friend confides in you.
If confidentiality is broken, trust will be broken too. That could be more damaging to a young person than whatever it is that is troubling them.

It is difficult and in any conversation where there may be a presumption of confidentiality I would always try to reserve the right to speak out if, in my considered judgement, I felt it was necessary. In my experience (which in this area is quite a lot with Godchildren/foster children esp.) I would usually thank them for trusting me with whatever the information is and then try to lead them to a point where they can open up the discussion with a parent or another appropriate adult. I usually say something along the lines of; 'you've trusted me this far, now trust me to help you with the next steps'. In this way I try to avoid breaking a confidence, but I have had to engage in some serious negotiation at times to ensure that a young person's safety isn't being compromised and at the end of the day that's the job of the adult in the situations you describe. Safety trumps confidentiality, but helping a young person to feel okay about discussing big issues is really important and often needs 'processing' time on their part.