Wedding help with Granny

Agree with some of the other posters. If your mother wants to go shopping let her go and don't be judgemental. If she later decides she is tired and wants her bed again let her go. You would hack me off if you were my daughter.

not every elderly relative is reasonable about what they can and can’t do.
it turned out in the end that our relative could actually do what she said, but we still worried.
However, she didn't quite reach 88 (but nearly).

Oh, it’s funny NOW.......

Realistic though, sodapop

We did worry like that about MIL but in fact the worries never materialised.

Oh dear Eglantine look on the bright side why don't you.

Good idea Elrel

Hoping there is someone in the family who is kind and caring enough to actually enjoy some time exploring the shops and cafés with an older relative.
Are the the 'jobs' so essential?

I think the OP is worried that something will go wrong that will then ruin the day

What if she has a fall.
What if she gets lost and can’t find her way back to the B &B. ( not everywhere has taxis on the street)
What if she’s late back and then she’s not ready and is late to the wedding.
What if she’s exhausted and feels ill at the ceremony.
What if (and these ones actually happened to me) she announces she’s had enough and wants to go home. Even though home is 150 miles away! And she expects some one to leave the Reception and drive it and drive back again.

Or she goes to buy a few things, loses her purse (which shop did she leave it in?), ends up in the local police station who send for the relative....

Or, actually I can’t even bear to type the details of this one but it involved going out on the morning of a funeral, not being able to find a toilet in time and the river.

Sorry, not every elderly relative is reasonable about what they can and can’t do. It’s all very well saying she’s an adult and should make her own decisions but it can spoil it for a lot of other people when determined independence gets it wrong.

Just digressing a little but a funny and true story....One of my mum's friends is 100 in August and we have all been invited to her party. This woman went into a department store by herself and bought a pair of shoes, telling the assistant that it was "for dancing at my 100th birthday party". This was passed on by the assistant to her bosses and there was a newspaper appeal to track this amazing woman down...we all saw it and she returned (alone) to the shop and said "I believe you are looking for me? Can I just say...I am NOT guilty" ha ha ha.

The shop treated her to a pair of very high quality shoes.

Sorry, doesn't help the OP but I think it is wonderful and shows that our older generation should never be written off as 'incapable' - unless, of course, they have been medically diagnosed as lacking mental capacity.

you're on
and a hairdresser - you haven't seen my hair after a sauna!

No, give me a top class hotel with gym, sauna and beauty parlour ...and I'm with you Jalima

I agree PECS - re the 'Find a Granny Day'
However, it would make it a very memorable wedding.

Yes, me too Bluegal
I seem to spend a lot of time telling a tale only to forget a name, a place etc; however, my friends and I are hoping that is a normal process.

I don't think we know enough - I was just going by what the OP has said.
I'd quite like to be a prisoner in a b&b for a few days, actually, B, B and evening meal please.

Yes but what exactly is 'diminishing brain power' Jalima?? I think I have that....... OP doesn't make it clear if her mother never makes any decisions for herself or not. She says she is 'under her wing for the 3 day event' So who's 'wing' is she under the rest of the 362 days of the year? That is not clear.

As has been said if the mum lacks mental capacity then there is a problem. If not, then mum is more than entitled to make her own decisions and choices. Being overly protective and worried is not a good enough reason to try to keep someone a prisoner in a b and b. Not in my book.

My lovely MiL lived independently on the top floor of what were then still council flats until she was 98 & only had daily carers popping in during her last couple of years. She took herself to hairdressers and local shops. She was as deaf as a post and crossed the duel carriageway outside the estate to get to the bus stop. However she was mentally alert and did a daily crossword & other puzzles and always had 2/3 books from the large print section of the library on the go.
It is different if someone is becoming easily confused and forgetful. I understand that it would be disaster for the bride if the day became a 'Find the Granny' day.
I think that she may like the company of any grandchildren or gt nieces/nephews to accompany her on whatever SHE wans to do.

Similar situation for a family wedding when my mum was that age. We were all staying in a B and B and the landlady kindly agreed that she and dad ( mum frail, dad recovering from an op) could stay there all morning, which is what they wanted. They sat in the garden, read the papers, relaxed. We did various errands and brought us all a sandwich back for lunch, then changed and set off for wedding which was at 2pm.

They were rested and not stressed. Lasted the day well but were ready to call it a day by 9pm. Worked well, but they called the shots, sensibly, knowing their limitations.
Hope it works out for you, OP.

I think that NanaNancy has mentioned that her mother may have early signs of dementia:
due to the starting signs of diminishing "brain power

so I don't think finding her something enjoyable to do towards the wedding is patronising or unreasonable. The main thing is to ask her what she would like to do - and if it's just an hour's shopping then perhaps someone could go with her, book a taxi to and fro. She may be happy to have her hair done, arrange the photos - but she does need to be consulted.

Yes, I've cared for both Mums, NanaNancy - my DM, disabled but loved going out still and seeing new places, and my MIL too - if anyone suggested to her that perhaps she shouldn't go shopping she would say 'But you don't understand, dear, I want to go' and she would just go!

Three day event! I thought that was something horsey, not a wedding!

(I now have visions of the bride and groom doing dressage, cross country and a bit of show jumping for good measure)

Its possible that dashing all over town is wishful thinking and when it comes to it she will be quite happy to take the day more slowly. If she is normally out and about I don't see how you can stop her because you are not there. I am not sure she will want to go to a strange hairdresser but you could suggest it and ask if she wants a taxi. If you have told her she is under your wing for 3 days she will probably expect you to be there knowing very elderly mothers!

When DS got married in 2003 my father was 87. He drove himself up from Sussex to York. Stayed in the house we had rented and stayed on afterwards for a short holiday before driving himself home again.

He knew exactly how to pace himself and thoroughly enjoyed the whole event from start to finish, even if he did need to take it easy for a couple of days when he got home. He lived independently, organising and running his own life until he died after a short illness, aged 92.

Stop stereotyping people by age.

Leave her to decide what she wants to do instead or trying to organise her, she is an adult. By 8 she will probably have had enough, as I would, and want to go and rest. If not does it matter if she chooses to stay and be cranky its all part of the family.

I assume she usually has a carer if she cannot be trusted in the town or to make decisions herself. If so where is the carer, if not then she must be quite capable of choosing how to spend her time.

I’m with pamdixon on this. Book her a hairdo, manicure and makeup, just as the bride and bridesmaids will be doing. That won’t tire her too much and she’ll feel glamorous and enjoy the compliments.

I agree with M0nica and all the others who make the poor woman sound either as if she is a nuisance to be “parked” or a skivvy.
Surely there will be other family members going to the wedding who might like to meet her for coffee if her own daughter is too “busy” .
I also feel there is a bleak future ahead for some of us if this is what we can look forward to in our eighties. God help us.

When my DS got married my mum was 90. We spent the morning getting ready, she did the wedding. (about 2pm), the meal, rested a bit then the evening do, retiring about midnight to her hotel room "so you young ones can enjoy yourselves." I'm so pleased I spent the time with her it was her last wedding. Whatever you "have to do" NanaNancy try to spend time with her, you never know.

I'm with MOnica on this. The mother is 88, not 188. I'm not so far off that age (88), if someone suggested i do a little ironing or sort through some photos to occupy my time, whilst hiding me away from the world, I'd be mortified. I'd pack my bags and be off.

If the lady wants to look around the town, why not? There are taxis everywhere these days, her B&B owners will give her the telephone numbers.

Just how cruel can some people be? Its good to remember that, if we are fortunate enough, we may be that granny one day and hope for a better understanding from the people around us who claim to love us, always, not just when it suits them.