Loneliness in the news again

MagicWriter... that's really sad. What a horrible life you must have had. I hope things are better for you now

You don’t have to be elderly or on your own to feel lonely. I remember when I was married to my first husband, who had MS. Without sounding heartless, he thought the world revolved around him because he was ill and he treated me and my daughters pretty bad at times. I remember going to a Xmas party with a group we belonged to and I felt so, so lonely, watching folk having a good time and dancing, while I sat in silence with my husband. I did get invited up to dance, but there was overwhelming feeling of loneliness that night. I think it was because I felt trapped in a loveless marriage, so loneliness doesn’t always mean you are alone!

Chicken mentioned befriended.
I don’t think that the government can take on the responsibility for our social life so if we want it to improve I believe it has to come from the community.
Anyone else out there have any experience of initiatives that work?
We have heard from one or two posters who says their effort are failing.
As I said earlier I’ve offered lifts to events and have never been taken up on my offer. I’m too busy to go knocking on doors.

Great post, SunnySusie. That has often been my experience when joining new groups who declare that they are very friendly but ignore newcomers. I have mainly had good experiences with U3A though. As you say, you just have to keep plugging away but it's very difficult especially when you're feeling a bit depressed anyway.

MOnica, I have asked for help, been promised help but didn’t get further than the promise. I have accepted it now, every time the promises fade I have been worrying what I did wrong, truth is nothing, I did everything they asked of me, bought the scooter, that was early August, they keep forgetting to turn up for the appointment , my self esteem is now rock bottom and still drilling. Do I have decided this is how it is , accept it. Thank you

Annie this is where there should be help to ensure that those in this position are helped to get out to do what they want to do, whether this is a day centre, class, social group or visit friend. What is essential is that it is what the person themselves wants to do, not inflicted upon them.

One of my clients as a charity worker was an elderly man living alone and lonely. All social services offered him was a place at a day centre. He went once, liked the lunch but he was the only man there and the people running it were very autocratic and had a fixed program that everyone had to follow. He said he would rather stay at home alone and never went back.

I’m definitely, sadly, getting the impression that nothing will help some people.
I’ve only ever been lonely when I have moved to a new place but I’ve nearly always had family there too and that makes it easier to go out and find new friends. I’ve moved such a lot that my friend making skills are reasonably well developed. It must be so hard if you’ve never had to learn those skills because you’ve always known the people that you know (does this make sense?). Then somehow you are on your own.
Its not easy to put yourself out there, but if you can then it’s worth a try.
I can only imagine how it must feel to lose a much loved husband or wife, a very deep loneliness, but it will happen to either myself or my DH one day. Statistics say it will be me. I hope I have the resources to cope.

I would repeat sooooo many points that have already been expressed. The cynic in me thinks others have got more salaried work out of this while volunteers and the like continue to get on with the task of trying to help others.

What of those who cannot leave their homes, have no family near ?

Melting Macaron....I agree that those groups, like the one I run, are not the complete answer for loneliness, as they are only open for a day or so. At my group, we have men and women mixed, and we all talk about different things. We also have a little dog there every week (he belongs to our driver) and he's a source of amusement at times. The elderly people we get seem to love him

Loneliness is a state of mind and as such funding classes for people through the NHS or any other route wont work. As Monica says its entirely possible to go to a class, fail to engage and end up feeling worse. A mental shift is needed and that is more the realm of therapy. I was horrendously lonely when I was younger and went along to many things only to end up locked in the loos after about fifteen minutes because no one spoke to me. I hadnt twigged that I was the one who had to do the approaching and that I was going to have to spend quite a bit of time outside my comfort zone before making any real contacts. Many groups are quite tribal and may say they are very friendly and welcoming (probably they believe it) whilst simultaneously not actually doing much to accommodate new people. One group I attended once a week for a full nine months before anyone really started to speak to me in a welcoming way, but its absolutely fine now, they are a great bunch and I am greeted as a valued stalwart. My younger self would have given up and gone off to wonder what was wrong with me, now I dont allow myself that luxury. I keep plugging away, being pleasant, not getting angst ridden about it and almost always I get there in the end. I think sometimes in this frantic world we forget that to build real ties and proper friendships takes quite a long time.

SaraC.... yes, flyers were put on the notice boards at 3 GP surgeries. Also in 3 care homes. Thanks though.

This idea that clubs etc are the answer to acute loneliness is helpful but flawed. It may provide an outlet for a few hours a day or a couple of days a week but it may not solve the fundamental cause. My own view is that all we need is just one person to really connect with. It may be a spouse, a partner, a friend, a neighbour but someone with whom we can have a good, long conversation with about the things that really interest us. In groups, especially of they are dominated by women, I often feel overwhelmed with everyone trying to talk at once, often about their families and I just come away feeling exhausted with it all.

Many towns have branches of the U3A (University of the 3rd Age). They hold monthly meetings and also the members organise and run study groups. E.g theatre, play reading, family history, bridge, gardening, golf, collectibles, singing, philosophy, Italian, French etc etc Very good after retirement- lots to do and many new people to meet- an idea for anyone lonely.

Sometimes reading the posts makes me feel so helpless, having no ideas or suggestions that will be of help. Just to let you know many of us are thinking of you.

"Go to a group and get a hobby" is often trite and unhelpful

You can be SURROUNDED by "friendly acquaintances" and be deeply lonely.

Loneliness is about lacking deeper connections and love/genuine care. It is not solved as easily as finding "company". Loneliness in a crowd can be more crushing than being physically alone.

Thank you pinkjj27. I do treat myself to them occasionally.

Culag

Culag was trying to send a bunch of flowers but it didnt work thought was there though

Culag flowers

I think that loneliness falls into 2 types, those who have loneliness thrust upon them and those for whom it is something inside.

By those who have loneliness thrust upon them I am thinking of carers, one eloquently described on the radio today that as a carer for her mother with dementia, she has become more and more housebound, as the dementia got worse and it became more and more difficult for her to meet friends as she could not get out and they could not visit her at home because her mother couldn't cope with strangers. Physically disabled people unable to get out of their homes unaided are in a similar circumstance.

For this group, most have social networks they can recreate or groups they can go back to, what is needed is a regular weekly time when they can be provided with reliable regular respite care, so that they can get out and meet friends or do whatever they wish.

For many of the other lonely, even if they were given 'prescriptions' to go to a club or day centre, they would not go, they lack the confidence or feel too awkward or embarrassed to go anywhere like that by themselves and if they do go, it is a disaster, they creep in the back, hide in a corner no-one notices them so they slide out and go home and never go back.

What Lynne and others need to do, is find a way of knowing who these people are. Could health visitors, doctors or charities for the aged like Age UK pass on contacts? Then make contact with them in advance, giving them a lift, or getting someone to come with them the first time and then keep a eye on them to make sure they are drawn into the group and do not exclude themselves. Ring them before the next meeting and repeat the experience, until they have the confidence to come in the door alone by their own choice.

For those lonely because of the loss of a loved one, Many have social lives outside the home, it is inside, both the individual and the home that loneliness lies and I am not sure one can do much for that other than offer sympathy.

JuneS ,. How I agree with your post about loneliness. I have now been on my own since losing my DH very suddenly 10 years ag this month.I still really miss having someone to share life with,someone to care for and someone special to ,hopefully, care about me. I have a DD ,SIL and two grandchildren nearby but still don’t see them often as they are busy with work (both work for NHS ) and school etc.My other two grandchildren live 300 miles away .I saw them in August for one day-after 18months!, I have several good friends but all with their own lives - and husbands in most cases. I get out as much as I can but it’s coming back to an empty flat which is the worst- specially now the evenings are drawing in so fast. Long evenings with no one ,as Esther Rantzen said,to do nothing with.
Maybe I ‘ll get used to it one day after the last ten years of not doing.

If more people who lived alone had access to a computer and were able to contribute to sites like this one they would not feel so lonely.
My son volunteered to telephone a lonely person (some initiative Esther Ransom started ) but was told that because he was unable to guarantee that he could telephone at the same time on the same day each week he was not the sort of person they were looking for.
How awful for a lonely person to know that he or she has to wait until a certain time to get a 'phone call.
Far better surely to have a quick call at no pre arranged time.

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My thoughts exactly pinkjj27. I know there are plenty of people who have always lived on their own and cope, but living by myself for the first time in my sixties, it’s hard.