Rib Ticklers

Here is one my son sent me the other day:
“What do you call a lot of avid chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
Stupid boy!

Actually overheard in church
The rector was praying for the sick and said; "We must remember Mrs. Godson in our prayers who has recently had all her teeth taken out and a new gas stove put in"

I like the Gervaise Phinn story about the little girl (in a Catholic school) who had drawn a lake with a tiny person kneeling by it, and he asked her about it. She said it was mother Mary - what is she doing?, he asked. "She is praying for the sick." Wonderful!

How did the choir members know that the Baby Jesus weighed 6lb 2oz?
Cus they did a weigh in the manger!

Jokes about PMS are not funny. Period.

I'm not very good at remembering jokes but this one stayed with me, courtesy of the actor Robert Lindsay on some chat show or other. He related to the interviewer that he was doing a run at the Royal Shakespeare Theatre, Stratford on Avon when wandering through the town he came across the local Millets sale the sign in the window, which read "Now is the winter of our discount tents"

At Christmas time classical composers often went late-night Chopin.
Buy octopus for Christmas lunch and everyone will have a leg.
When Santa is lost in the Arctic, he simply goes with the floe.
Working for the Job Centre has to be a tense job-knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.
Trump said he'd build a wall, but he hasn't even picked up a brick. He's just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project.

A farmer had a sow that he wanted to breed, and made an arrangement to take her up a steep hill to his neighbours farm so that she could spend time with his boar.
He put her into a wheelbarrow and duly took her, leaving her for the night.
When he went to collect her the next day, he asked his more experienced neighbour if there was any way to know if she might be pregnant.
"Well" said his neighbour "its not scientific, but if she lays down for a few hours tomorrow morning, its a sure bet that nature has taken its course".
The next morning the farmer looked out of his window and his pig wasn't lying down, so he phoned his neighbour.
They arranged for her to spend another night with the sow, so once again she was taken in the wheelbarrow and left.
She came home looking very contented, but wasn't lying down the next day, much to the annoyance of her owner.
He phoned his neighbour again, who said "well, my boar did his duty, so what is your problem? What is your pig doing now, lying down?"
"No, she's sitting in the wheelbarrow!"