Betrayed

I qualified as a erson-centred counsellor in 1996 and part of receiving that success was not only to have forty hours of counselling myself but to also carry out one hundred and twenty hours of counselling + supervision (for which I paid an already qualified counsellor for this all-important supervision. If push come to shove, is there a college near your granddaughter which offers the diploma in counselling (known both as person-centred counselling and humanistic counselling), where students wishing to qualify are looking for clients who need counselling support?

It's just a thought .... .

Just keep showing your son and the children that you love them, that's all you can do. They WILL come through this.

As a Mum who has seen her own son come close to a nervous breakdown after 3 years of trauma which cost him and his bank account every penny of his hard-won 20-year savings, I can relate to your story.

Pamhill4 Good advice.

Just eep going patricia65, however hard and distressing it is at the present it will get easier. Good advice for our son to recheck his entitlement to the pay off. Stand strong and keep going. x

The best of luck,the advice on Gransnet always seems very helpful so sad when family have such pain,keep in touch will help to write the problems down.

This also happened in our family but in reverse. It was my daughter and two GC who did the suffering over the years. SiL never did a thing for her or the children, didn't do a thing in the house and when my D took over the mortgage in 2016 after handing over half the value, her half went towards double-glazed windows ( of which there weren't any ) re-building a fireplace, skips, and the general worry of working until she's 70 !

GS fortunately still lives at home and GD is a single mother with children living elsewhere.

EX-SiL was already living with one of his g/friends.He's now in hospital having heart surgery following a heart attack 2 weeks ago. Karma ? You bet !

Sorry if this sounds harsh on my part but my D and GC went through the mill over the years and it affected all of them. So now it's his turn for a taster of how they all felt.
I hide my thoughts/feelings from my GC, who are now in their 30's.

So sorry to hear this. If your DGD is in school she can get counselling via school quicker possibly. Also get your son to contact Gingerbread for single parents and go to the support meetings. Offer to babysit if needed. Also get him to chat in online groups if he needs to offload anonymously and look at Meet-Ups online for his local area to expand his social life and invariably his support network. Above all don’t join in the criticism of Ex-DIL even if he or children do. Stay neutral and be the listening ear they need but remember to care for yourself too or you won’t be any use to them x

You sound as though you’re doing a wonderful job. Remember to be kind to yourself too.
At the moment my son, partner and 2 little ones are staying with us because of escalating problems with a neighbour. Big change for us but we want to be there for them but they’re not talking about going home and I’m wonder what the next step will be.
Good luck

I can understand why you feel drained patricia65 - you have so much going on!

Try and deal with one thing at a time and not attempt to solve everything in one go. You need time to think, and time to yourself also, but I know it's near impossible to switch off.

As mothers, we tend to be the 'glue' in families and it might be a bit of a burden at times, but just being there for them is a battle half won.

I wish you and your family all the best, with you beside them they'll come through it. xx

I don't know if it helps to know others are in a similar situation. Over the past few years my daughter endured five miscarriages. Things turned for the better when she gave birth to a lovely baby boy. Just before Christmas she found out her husband has been on dating sites and was seeing another woman. She made him leave straight away. He moved into the other woman's home and shares it with her children. The devastation has rippled all through the family. We thought of our son in law as a son. Now it's all fallen apart.

Patricia, this happened to our son 23 years ago. Although at the time it is devastating for all concerned I promise you it will get better. He has been very happily married for the second time for 20 years and has three beautiful children from this marriage. I will message you. XX

All I can say after going through the same thing a few years back is things are never as bad as they seem. His income was a massive loss but I'm actually better off financially than when he was here. I've not downsized and still I'm better off, I live on my private pensions, don't yet receive my state pension, I had to pay him a large settlement and couldn't believe I'd survive but I did and so will they.

Why isn't the mother paying towards child support? Surely, the system has to work both ways.

Patricia I think the advice to stay neutral is spot on. We have been through the same, faults in both my son and daughter in law contributed to the break up. My son has mental health problems and needs lots of family support. It’s a very difficult situation for you and I send you and your family my best wishes.

I have little advice except to be as neutral as possible wherever you can and encourage your son to be the same, putting his children's interests first wherever he can. In these situations where there is a lot of hurt and a feeling of betrayal, it is too easy for to "take sides" and forget about what is more important.
My SIL's mother left the family home and he has been very badly affected, particularly as his father died a few years later. The relationship with his mother is very rocky and I can't help feeling that some counselling when it happened might have helped him enormously. For your GD, hopefully her counselling will be better late than never. A big virtual hug for you who must be feeling bad for 2 generations of your family but with little control to resolve it. Just being there will be a big help to them.

If my son's situation is anything to go by, then a few months' down the line you may find he is actually happier than he was with the situation and suspicion happening while she was there. Despite mine being taken to the cleaners financially, and having had no settled home for months, he is still happier than he was at the beginning of 2018. I hope your support helps through this present difficult time.

Anja my DD had NHS counselling which she said was v good, but long wait and only for 6 weeks. Is there any chance you could fund private counselling?

This happened to me ten years ago and my sons mental health has never recovered. However, grandson seems Ok and I see him regularly, he lives with his mother now, originally he lived with me and then his father. I had plenty of counselling to help me support everyone appropriately and feel that I was that glue and grateful that I could be. My family has indeed been fragmented but I am managing to stay calm and in touch with everyone even though they do not interact with each other.

You are doing what needs to be done, no one can ask or expect anything more. We would like the lives our children choose to lead to be perfect, but at the end of the day they have to live with their actions, no matter what we may think. I think that it is essential to be non-judgemental and make sure that you try to keep some sort of relationship going with both sides. You will all get through this difficult time.

Patricia 65 ...I'm going through the same situation with my daughter's family.... she has a 'new partner' ...and after two years of trying to keep their family home together, they are splitting up. My daughter is in the process of getting her own mortgage arranged to buy her own place. I love my SIL and promised his mum before she died I'd do my utmost to make him a true part of my family. I hate to see him in turmoil... although he is not 'an innocent' in this breakdown.At the moment I get the kids ready for school three times a week and then pick them up so I see a lot of them. I have to hold it together for the kids sake ( 5 and 10 ). The eldest has gotten very clingy with me and the youngest is very surly... I know that it will be better for them all if they make it final but the struggle to listen to one of them and then the other without criticising is quite unnerving. I do think at the moment I am the glue...especially with he physical housework stuff which seems to be sliding as they disintegrate. If all I can offer is bringing in some shopping ...making sure the kids are ready for school...and doing a bit of washing and cleaning...then I'll keep doing it! Only yesterday when I told my daughter that I'd bought the youngest two new pairs of trousers for school ( as I'd noticed the old ones were way too short for winter) she nearly started crying. I know her heads all over the place just like your family is...so k
Just keep your head down... listen...don't criticise ... Åland like me just hope that twelve months from now things just might be better. Squeeze that glue tube til it's dry!

We went through a very similar experience several years ago. It almost broke my son. It was a time that was agony for us all to live through. His son was also badly affected and needed therapy,

On the possitive side, it brought us all very close together as a family and I think the suppport he got from us and his siblings pulled him through. About 5 years after the split met a wonderful lady who has been by his side for the last 10 years. Her outside perspective, love, support and knowledge of the law has made a big difference to his life. Since he has been with her, he has been truly happy,

I wish you all strength to get through this.

Hope your son has had good legal advice re their joint assets, maintenance payments for the kids etc We do absorb our family’s pain that’s a fact, so you must look after yourself as well as others. Just be there and do as much as you can, whether its practical help with cooking, cleaning or shopping etc And def with emotional support and talking things through. It is frustrating that you have to wait so long for counselling but there are lots of self help on line sites that are worth reading thro in the interim period. You will get thro this bad time together with love and support from each other ?

You sound as if you have been really strong so far, one thing at a time. Any chance of getting your GD's counselling bought forward? Look after yourself and every good wish.

That's a lovely supportive post Stella1949, and from everyone else. Heart goes out to you and your family Patricia65. Like everyone else I believe in you and that all will be well in the end. You can definitely do it!

Do not forget to take care of yourself.

Yes your family needs you and are extremely fortunate to have you. I am sure they appreciate everything that you are doing to support them through these troubled weeks ahead.

Take time out to relax and do something to keep you on track and calm and healthy as possible.

Sending hugs ?