my son has left his wife

My son came home after he discovered his partner of 3 years had been seeing someone else behind his back...he was devastated as it meant he didn't get the time with his daughter he was used to having.After we sorted out the childcare arrangments an dhe had her here with us for half the week he settled a bit but he didn't start a new realtionship for along time and any girlfriends he did have after a couple of years he kept away from his child as he didn't want her to be upset if it didn't work out.
Your son HAS to think of his children..his wife will come to terms with whats happened but his children will be his for life and he needs to consider whats best for them.""Falling out of love" isn't a reason to wal out on a family...you can work at it and get things back on track .Maybe he should think about doing that..and regaining his wifes trust .

Grannibobs. I'm with FarNorth. Show him what your standards are: Honesty has to be maintained. Unless he tells her he has to find another place to live and even then if he has not told her by (say a week or two, whatever seems feasible) you will tell her. Also do tell her face to face and support her.
I am so very sorry. I have seen this twice. With a son and a daughter of two friends. It was so distressing for the families. My friends maintained good relationships with the daughter and son in laws who were the "injured parties". So sad for the children too. Poor you.

Do your son and daughter-in-law regard this as a temporary separation, or are they agreed upon their marriage being over?

If their marriage is over and there is no chance of them coming together again, it really makes no difference that he is seeing another woman.

Whatever the case, tell him that you will not lie for him, Don't tell your DIL that he is seeing someone else. When she gets to know, as she will, tell her that you have known for some time, and had told your son he had to speak to her about this. You kept your mouth shut, being convinced that anything you said to her would only make matters worse, but that you have felt horrible keeping it secret from her.

The children are the most important people in this .
If you think there is a hope your DS could return to his own home, I think in your position I would wait until someone else broke the news of the other woman.
Have you met her BTW? Does she know her part in this unfolding drama?

I can relate to this. My daughter was left by her husband at Christmas. They have two young children. He moved back to his mothers, then went to live with his new girlfriend. The idiot posted on facebook yesterday that he was in a new relationship. I actually think he expects people to be pleased for him.

I'm with Gran23 and Teetime. In most circumstances I'd be allowing son home.

Imo men rarely (if ever?) leave un less there's someone else in the background.
Hopefully this will pass but dil may harden and not have him back, who knows.

It seems to me that if your daughter in law asked you to take him in because she was worried about his mental state, then this has maybe given you a way out of your dilemma. You can’t tell your daughter in law what’s happening directly yourself but there may be an indirect way to bring the situation to a head. Sit your son down and tell him that he has two choices - he can either come clean with his wife or move out and find somewhere else to stay. Explain to him that you love them all, that you don’t want to see your daughter in law hurt and ask him if he realises that you risk losing your grandchildren if his wife sees this as collusion on your part - make it clear that this is unacceptable to you. Then contact your daughter in law and tell her you’ve suggested to him that he leaves. She will inevitably want to know why, so you can then tell her that she must ask your son to explain as you are not prepared to involve yourself any further. It’s then up to your son to explain himself to her and if he doesn’t, then make it clear he has to leave. If your daughter in law subsequently finds out about the affair, then at least she will know that you disapprove and did not enable his behaviour once you learned what was going on. A very difficult situation - I really feel for you and I hope things work out for you all.

Well I'm going to be in the minority here but if it were my son (or daughter in my case) I would let them come back home ( I still tell my daughter this will always be her home) and just love and support them but let them deal with their own private business.

If your son has recently left his wife and children, and is now seeing someone, I would question the timing. I very much suspect that he was already seeing this woman or at least had the intention. I also would feel upset that he has put you in this position of keeping a secret.

I feel for you & I have been in this situation too.
All I can say is give it time- be just as friendly to them both & don't ever take sides.
It is very difficult but you can come out of this with your relationships with all parties intact. It is now 6 years since my DS left his wife. They are really good friends now although they have both had several new partners & take all decisions about children together- they go out as a family & even on the odd short holiday. It took time- my DiL had to forgive him & he had to admit his faults. They went to mediation & it was the best thing they could have done. They have not bothered getting divorced- he bought a house for her & lives in a flat just round the corner so children can stay with him too.
Just be there for them both & especially for your DGC.
It will all work out on the end if everyone gets over the hurt & is sensible in the long run.

It's your home but he expect you to help him cover up his sordid secret? Send him straight back to the marital nest (or tell him to find a B&B!) if he wants to play this game. If it all bows up in his face then maybe he'll learn to take responsibility instead of expecting "Mum To Make It Better".

Has it not occurred to you that she might know? She might be wondering whether you know and if she should tell you?

It sounds like she speaks to you if she asked you to take him in. I'm another who sees nothing wrong with him living with you. Presumably you know a lot more about the circumstances that you have shared with us.

If it were me I would have a serious conversation with my son about the future and what his plans are and then act on the result. One thing I would insist on is that his girlfriend did not stay over at my house. I wouldn't prohibit her from coming, if he sees her in his parents' home he may see her differently and she may appear less exciting. If you got to know her it would help you to deal with the situation.

My ex moved home when i went abroad with his mum to sort out property sale. He stayed and looked after his dad. Upon return he remained as he works from home and was under a pressure with a campaign.
As the weeks went on unknown to me he began an affair - and his parents must have known as he went off for days at a time. Of course I found out, and not only was there one other woman, there was two. One was pregnant and had no idea he was married.
The knowledge his parents must have known compounded my pain. I was very close to them. Their reasoning was they didn't want to get involved, it wasn't there place, etc.
Your son needs to be honest with his wife. And if you want to maintain a relationship with DIL think carefully she won't feel the same as me if she finds out. I know it's hard. If he feels so strongly about this other woman he must tell her, you really need to talk to your son about how you feel, and perhaps he needs to think about how this will all affect the future.

And of course it was easier for me as neither of them lived with me - it's not easy for you, Grannibobs, to not know some of your son's business.

I was in a similar situation, until my son finally decided to tell his ex that he really was never going back and was settled down with another woman. During the "not quite in the open" time it was really difficult to talk to either of them as I knew secrets for both of them and cared about them both. What happened was that it slowly dawned on all of us that it was actually better if neither of them told me anything they didn't want the other person knowing! Wish we'd all thought of that in the first place. Fortunately both of them had other people they could confide in who were not mutual friends.

Perhaps DIL guessed that there was someone else in his life and asked for him to be allowed home with you rather than give him the option of moving in with her.

Maybe he wants the easy option which is you telling his wife for him? Men can be cowards

The fact that the son in question has had mental health issues in the past probably put his mother on the back foot here.

There seem to be increasing numbers of people with mental health issues.
On almost every thread, somewhere, you'll find that someone has blamed or excused behaviour on a person they know having mental health issues.
Why can't people cope any more? We have it easy compared to yesteryear.

The two words which say it all are BACK HOME.
Home, to your son, is the place he shared with his wife and children.
He's moved into YOUR home which stopped being his when he launched his adult life and got married.
I think it's wrong to keep schtum about his 'other woman'.
Your DIL will be mighty cross if she thinks you've been in cahoots with him about his other relationship.
AC shouldn't bounce back to mum and dad when things go wrong.
Let him sort out his life on his own without facilitating clandestine relationships, otherwise your DiL could start limiting your time with the GC.
I bet the OP is cooking, cleaning and doing his laundry.
My advice? Chuck him out.

I do admire the way one of my neighbour's MIL has behaved. Her son left my neighbour yet his mother still frequently goes round to do the school run etc. and is obviously still good friends with her ex DIL. Her son was banned from entering his old home so when he comes to collect his children, his mother keeps him on the doorstep!

Eventually my neighbour met another man and her ex MIL seems to have made friends with him too!

Its a catch 22 situation Grannibobs either way your daughter in law is going to be upset, if you tell her it may be shoot the messenger if you don't tell her you are colluding with your son.
I understand you offering a bolt hole to your son but he was clearly not honest with you, I think you should insist he tells his wife the truth or finds somewhere else to live. Sometimes we have set boundaries even if our children are adults.
If there is a mental health issue here then he needs to get help for that.

Sorry X post, I see that he is now moving out.
I still wouldn't interfere in their business and tell the Dil.
He should tell her but that is up to him, not you.

There's a fine line between lying and not telling the whole truth!
I do feel for you and think you've handled it as well as possible so far. You clearly thought you were cooperating with your DiL by taking him in and it's sad that your good intentions seem to have backfired.
I agree that you must stop enabling him and let him deal with it.

I don't agree with the people who say that you shouldn't have let your son stay with you. He's your son, of course he comes to you if his marriage isn't working out. All this talk of, if you hadn't made it so easy for him to leave, they might have worked it out is rubbish.
If he has fallen out of love with his wife, nothing is going to get them back together.
I don't think that you should tell your Dil about the woman he is seeing but I would tell your son that you don't want to be involved with this woman in any way, until he does tell his wife and whatever you do, don't have her in your home. Be very firm about that.
When he goes out to see her, tell him that you don't want to know,
as it's not fair on you and making you feel disloyal to your Dil.
Then treat him as a house guest and don't get involved with his private life so much.
Look after your Dil and Grandchildren and just do your best, that's all you can do.