Cremation or burial?

Funeral plans are for the living, thinking they know how they will be laid to rest and it giving them peace of mind.. They have little or no way of ensuring that that is what actually happens when they die.

I am so confused, I just don’t know what to do.

Writing your burial plan into a will is futile as you are probably already dealt with before it is read.

I am writing a 'to be opened in the event of my death' letter listing in stages things to be done to help the bereaved cope with arranging things and in it is how I want to be buried and all the funeral arrangements.

Then in the will is all about the money items and property etc and how it is to be dealt with or divvied up

My family have been told, once I'm gone, get rid of me as quickly and as cheaply as possible! I won't be there, so I won't care!
When my much loved Uncle died, Aunt was going to have him sent off in a wicker coffin. However, when she went to see them, she decided that she wasn't putting him in a 'laundry basket'!
Instead she chose a lovely, very plain wooden coffin for him, he was cremated and his ashes are now buried in a lovely woodland setting, big plots, lots of space around, with many benches to sit and think.
The family were able to choose which tree they wanted planted over him, he has an Oak, it's the perfect tree for him!
This is in the NW though, perhaps the woodland areas are not as large in more densely populated areas?

Way back early on this thread (08.45 yesterday morning) Teetime said that she didn't want any funeral, no fuss or anything. Forty or so years ago my Dad died fairly suddenly and unexpectedly. His request, made years before, was for no funeral as he thought that it would save the family going through unnecessary trauma. It actually caused my mother far more problems as it gave us no "marking point of death" or ceremony to officially say goodbye. I don't think that she ever came to terms with my father's death

Forgot to mention that following a messy marriage breakdown for my DD I made sure that any benefits from my Will went to my GC and not a spouse in the event any of my DC should predecease me...morbid but necessary because of my experiences

I have my funeral all figured out, and told both ADC. Cardboard coffin, cremation, ashes to be put in a special ceramic pot that they can put in the river. These bowls float about for a few minutes, giving them time to wave goodbye, and then sink and dissolve. Nicer, I think, thank being emptied out like the contents of a hoover bag only to blow back in the faces of the loved ones as they lovingly shake me out. I’ve chosen some songs, too, and told the dear ADC that they must get the words printed out so that attendees, if there are any, can enjoy a good sing song. I love a good sing song, shame I won’t be able to join in.

My whole family were in the funeral business so I’ve heard lots of stories. I think cremation is more environmentally friendly, back to the earth. My dad was cremated, and ashes are in a churchyard next door to where his sister lives. There is no grave to visit though. His view was that when you are gone, you’re gone, and he didn’t want us to go visit a grave - he wasn’t there, it was just his ashes. Better to remember him as he was. In a way I found it very freeing that he had told us this. My husband makes visits to his dads grave. He was very religious and was buried. He visits out of guilt I think.
So for me, I’d prefer cremation then scatter my ashes in a beautiful place, perhaps on a walk in the woods, or in a field, with a smile on your face. I won’t be here so I’d rather give my daughter the final decision on it after I die.

I bought my funeral when i cashed in my pensions and have opted for direct cremation, although the company i bought my funeral from had stopped doing that when i bought mine, i have made my wishes clear to my daughter and do have it written down with my funeral plan. i do not want my death to be a financial burden to my daughter or an unduly sorrowful occasion and have said any money left to be used for a holiday

Thank you all for sharing with this good advice.. I too will have to update my and my husbands will...

paddyann I agree with you entirely. I don't want my family to feel obliged to visit my grave as I don't visit the cemetary and don't feel that I am not honouring my Mum and Dad. Mum would say "Don't waste your money on flowers" and I can talk just as well to her and Dad anywhere, not just at a graveside. However, I would like it if my children could go out to dinner when I die, and talk about memories if they wish, but it is up to them.

I think it is usually important for friends and family to have some kind of event – ritual, memorial, life-celebration, all of those – when someone they love has died, regardless of the body's final destination. It is the last goodbye and it is desperately sad. I have written and spoken – without crying, though very close to it – the eulogy for a number of family funerals and I think that is among the hardest things that I have ever done in my life. Others present have said afterwards that they appreciated and were comforted by what I had said because it gave a true and loving picture of our family member; that's certainly what I tried to do.

Being of Irish extraction, I have always attended and, later, held family wakes. These are the times when the tears cease, often temporarily, because everyone has a story to tell – sometimes funny, sometimes impressive, sometimes sad, sometimes familiar and sometimes surprisingly new. It is the time when celebrating the life of the departed and rejoicing in our own lives, celebrating the love of the departed and rejoicing in our love comes together and that begins to heal our grief.

I feel sure that absentdaughter will respect my wish for no religious ceremony but, when the time comes, will conduct her own farewell to comfort my/her family and have one hell of a wake.

Selsey99
Yes, much cheaper too. I'm mulling it over. Either that, or or an Indian pyre burial or a humanist one in a linen shroud inside a water reed casket and buried in one of their private woodland areas.

The thing with organ donation is that they can only be donated if you die in a hospital as doctors need to put you on an artificial respirator to keep your blood circulating whilst they remove the organs.
Tissue donation can be done in a non-hosptial setting.
I carry a card but was unaware of the above fact until I mentioned it at a blood donation.

Happysexagenarian - well, it was really inexpensive when I saw them - but I’ve just found them online at £625. I suppose, given that the Leafcocoon coffin mentioned by seadragon is £785 without decoration, it’s probably reasonable. Both types are handmade after all.
I do think the concept of the workshops at Bellacouche is quite interesting though... maybe I should just make my own!

I had made my Will last October following my house move after losing my DH. It seemed straightforward, everything to my three DC and individual bequests of money and jewellery to my seven DGC.
But it was pointed out to me that if I were to go into a Home (God forbid), there would be very little if any money left, and the bequests would by law have to be paid before anything left could be touched. In other words my DC would get nothing as legally any money would have to be divided seven ways and only then would my children have any claim on the remaining balance.
So I have just added a Codicil removing individual bequests but making sure my DC know my wishes should there be sufficient money.
Horrible to do but in my view totally necessary.

I really would like to be cremated but I live in Malta where cremation is not an option. The choice here is burial in a grave or burial at sea.

It is possible to be taken to another country for cremation but the cost is prohibitive. I’m pretty sure my offspring could put the money to better purposes than shipping my carcass back to the UK.

I think these are lovely bellacouche.com/biodegradable-coffin-shroud-prices/ and may see about buying one in advance if there is a way of keeping the moths at bay. We researched all options when we found out my heart is wonky but a Dirct cremation was no cheaper as we live on an island and its not eco friendly anyway. Have bought a double plot in the grounds of a disused church right by the sea. Were surprised how excited we were. DH suggested we took a trip on a lovely day with a plan for me to take of a photo of him lying on the plot. Fortunately we were thwarted by a digger there digging a grave.... Have told the offsprings not to bother organising a gathering at the time as they live hundreds of miles away but have a party sometime when they feel like it if they want to. However find myself thinking a lot about what I would like to say if he goes first. I'm planning to write it all down for him and give it to him next Christmas ....'if we're spared'..

suedoku thank you for the tip about the mumsnet thread. I have just read all 28 pages. What a fascinating insight into cremation. So much information and things I had never thought of. All those who want an wicker or cardboard coffin to save the environment would do well to read this thread as it takes longer for them to burn apparently. Very thought provoking thread.

Oh, I said to DH that he should scatter my ashes in the Maldives!

I definitely want to be cremated. There's nothing so sad as an unkempt grave. I've lost my mum and sister in the past 4 years and really don't like visiting the tatty grave and memorial site for them. I don't feel in the slightest that they are there in the graveyard, my memories are inside me. I'd hate for any of my family to feel obligated to keeping my grave tidy and having to visit frequently.

I want to be buried. I’ve always liked cemeteries, have no fear of death and have just read Lincoln In The Bardo, which is wonderful.
The worst thing about cremation is the awful buildings, quasi religious services, production line atmosphere. If my family do that to me I shall come back and haunt them.

I am opting for a cremation,then the ashes put in an urn in the chapel, with a photo and some flowers by the photo, this way it isnt as upsetting for everyone to see the coffin,My ashes are to be taken to the UK and placed by my parents ashes in the memorial garden next to our Church.I know my wishes will be respected.

That thing where they mix your ashes into a firework and light you, that sounds magic. I love fireworks

Just back from doing our wills and also becoming Tenants in Common on our house. This is so each of owns a half share and if and when we need a care our assessment will only take into consideration the half share in the property. The whole lot of our estate is left in a bloodline trusts. Worth thinking about.