Lack of friends

* Strangely, when I have moved, it’s always the folk you don’t expect to keep in touch are the ones that do.*

I think for me maybe I am a bad initial judge of personalities.

The friends I do have were not necessarily the ones in the group at the time who I was initially most drawn to. But over time, my initial I guess "attractions" (friend wise) tended not to be the ones I clicked with long term.

That was fine when I was young and spending enough TIME with my social groups to develop friendships with perhaps the ones I might have not initially clicked with.

Unfortunately as you get older you get less "contact time" with groups before you have to take the plunge as it were and approach individuals.

E.g. a lot of courses I do are 6 weeks. Once a week for 2 hours, most of that is doing the actual course, so not so much chatting time. Usually groups might meet as a whole group for a coffee or drink maybe once at the end of the course, or a few weeks after if there is course work to hand in for an award.

And thats it then you dont see them again unless you reach out. But I probably reach out to the wrong ones because its still very much at "first impressions" IYKWIM and some people dont come out of their shells in group situations so you never really connect with them

I know what you mean MagicWriter2016, I also joined a group of ladies who meet for coffee outings when I moved to a new place. Everyone is perfectly pleasant and friendly, but that's as far as it goes, I haven't managed to make anyone a 'friend', However I have picked up on little groups of ladies within the group who seem to have become friends, and seem to be arranging things outside the main group but never seem to find out about it when it's being organised. Maybe there is something wrong with me.

volunteer in a charity shop. i do ,and i have made lots of friends. i dont have a best friend/nor do i go out to pubs and clubs, but i do go to church.join a group that you do like ,and stop trying so hard. who knows where this friend will come from. theres loads of women like you out there. be patient it will happen.

I also seem to have that problem of progression from acquaintances to friends. I belong to a few groups and have plenty of the former, but then I hear of others in the group who have got together in ones or twos to do individual things and I am never sure how they bridged that gap, so to speak.

I sometimes have down days when I wonder if there is something wrong with me, but I usually have a good laugh with them when we are together.

It’s a difficult one to address. Am I to ‘closed’ and make people think I am a bit aloof? I have always found it difficult to be as open as some folk I know. Strangely, when I have moved, it’s always the folk you don’t expect to keep in touch are the ones that do.

Don’t think I will ever understand people!

When we had mymother living with us my life was completely fuilled with her needs, husbands needs and me getting out to see a few friends. Then my closest one died, and then another etc. I realised I would have to make an effort. First I reviewed who are my friends who call in and found that the ones who did have a car and are widowed, divorced or single.. We do not live on a bus route. I then realised that there were people within the groups I was already attending that I should make the time and effort to get to know. This has been rewarding.

Hello mypennyfarthing41, I am in Goring, near Worthing, I could come to HH, are you free on Sunday?

I hate hearing about people's medical problems from birth until present day. Why do they think I am interested when I am not! This is usually within the first 5 minutes of meeting somebody new.

Oh Palliser I know what you mean. I have had women doing the same thing. Talking at me for over an hour without stopping. Needless to say I didn't rush to repeat the experience. You have to be interested in the other person and listen.

Sorry to hear this. I do not know you at all but I doubt you are unfriendly otherwise you wouldn't be reaching out like this. I have met a few people in my life who have told me they are lonely and then..........gone on and on and on about their lives, their holidays, their house etc. Nevr once showing any interest in me or anyone else. I do put this down to them being on their own but not sure which comes first a total lack of interest in anyone or anything else but themselves. I DO NOT MEAN YOUxxx Just adding to debate. The first thing to do is show some interst in the other paerson. I once met a woman at a party recently who was sitting alone. I went to sit next to her and asked her if she'd enjoyed the buffet when she then spent 15 minutes telling me that at gatherings she imagines herself covered in bubble wrap in order to protect herself. This of course had the effect of keeping people out! She then said it had been nice chatting as she was lonely!!!

one good friend is enough for me... i think i am contented. i am in my 50s too.

Hello Bluesky

l think l responded to your message before
I'm in West Sussex, near to Haywards heath, are you nearby...If you would like to meet up... it probably depends on where you are in West Sussex....

MPF41

I know I said I'm perfectly happy as things are but I went to a concert last night- my daughters past school choir - alone. Couldn't think of any friends who would enjoy it. And my husband didn't offer to go. And although I am ok with going alone, and I enjoyed it, it would have been nice to have him there.

Thanks for you message showergelfresh, would have loved to meet up, but I shall be away on hol. Until the 15th. have a good time, hope someone turns up.

Friends are not easy to make at a certain age, maybe because we are more fussy or have a contented relationship with our partners. Do not want be committed as some friends can be demanding and very often just want an ear to bend past experience makes us wise. Talk to your husband find something you are both interested in, he should care about your needs, if not move on, life is too short.

Bluesky1 - I'm not in your area but we had a meetup yesterday in Cambridge and have organised another for April 2nd.
Anyone feeling lonely or not please come - it never ceases to amaze me how we have such similar difficulties and its lovely to chat about them or nothing in particular.
Please see meetup threads for the Cambridge meetup.
Yesterday it was just two of us and at the moment it'll be three for the next but there's a few weeks to go and last minute is fine. I sometimes go there on my own - so eccentric...
You don't need to be or wear anything special to come! Yourself is enough and the chosen venue is so relaxing by the river and not at all busy in the mornings.

Bleubirdwsm that is brilliant ?. Well done. I am nervous too but its worth the effort.

Because of this thread I actually walked into a drop in group today. Very nervous, because I have shut myself away for a long time...various reasons, poor experiences using U3A groups [not all members are welcoming and pleasant unfortunately] being one of them.

I was immediately welcomed and spent a pleasant couple of hours in good friendly company. In the course of the conversations I have learnt about a few activities, when they are held and where...which I was unaware of before now. So much is going on but it's not easy to find the information despite scouring local papers weekly.

I had been once before [and a couple of other places in the past] and not felt comfortable there and left it for a few weeks, but going again was different altogether. I feel much better about life now...after being severely let down by someone recently which has knocked me for six.

Reading threads like this has made me keep on trying. I feel I have turned a corner so thanks for the encouragement of people here who try to help others finding themselves in a lonely place.

Hello Bluesky1

I live in West Sussex post code RH17 7ba
Where are you ?

Vauxhall you're so young! Friendships take time to build.
I haven't read the whole thread, so don't know if this has been mentioned: It takes time to make a close friend. I'm 83 now and can remember about 6 women I've been close to in the various stages of my life. Most are no longer here.
The last one was in France, we were friends for about 10 years, went shopping and walking together and of course chatting. Similar ages.
Be patient, and show interest in them.

Messaged yòu x

No one has come forward in my area, hope you do better than me. I always smile at people and am open to an invitation to meet for coffe.

Vauxhall the Essex members are meeting up in April, and I know you would be more than welcome to come along.
I haven't met any of the ladies yet, so no need for nerves or anything.

Please come if you're able.

JanaNana has it right, smiling at people is a great start. You physically feel better if you smile.
Smiling makes someone interesting, and potentially someone you'd like to know.

KEEP SMILING!!

It isn’t easy for everyone to meet people

Vauxhall58.

Bear in mind that not everything that happens in communities is listed online. Clubs and organisations may not have a web presence or if they do, these may be run by volunteers and subject to the vagaries of having someone with the time and technical expertise to keep listings up to date.

Community, library, church, supermarket and pub notice boards are a good way to find out what is going on in your local community. Libraries will usually have a noticeboard but may also have an overspill folder or folders of what's on as they often receive far more publicity flyers than they have room to display.

I don’t think you have said what interests you and what you like to do . Essex is an excellent county for community activities where you can meet people with similar interests.

I agree with notanan2 who said that it’s easy to meet people but not so easy to make deeper friendships but the one can only develop from the other.