Lack of friends

We're the opposite. I am antisocial whereas he has to have friends around all the time. If it wasn't for me hed be out every night.
I see women together chatting away and imagine they are sisters.
I have some lovely friends. One I met through yoga I think. Another through another friend who's now died.
I keep them separate.

I like doing things on my own. I couldn't bear shopping with anyone else.
I see these men hanging around the lingerie dept waiting for their women folk to come out of the changing room. It seems weird to me.

Maybe you are putting too much importance on finding a true friend?

DH and I are opposites when it comes to socialising. I want to get out there and meet people and he has to be dragged kicking and screaming. But once there he is far more sociable than I. He seems to be able to chat to anyone while I lurk on the fringes and if I do contribute anything it's ignored, only for someone else to repeat it a minute later and to be treated as a great wit. Even if I manage to get involved I find the effort exhausting after a while and can't wait to go home. Again I think this is something to do with being an only child and being solitary. I ought to know by now that I'm never going to fit in but I foolishly keep trying. DH would be happy never to have to speak to anyone again!

To Vauxhall58,
Please don't give up. Like so many other ladies on this thread, l know how you feel. Personally l talk to myself when l feel really low. It helps a little bit.
Reading something that someone had suggested on here, perhaps it would be a good idea for people to put their postcodes on here, not the complete thing,but enough for others to be able to identify others nearby. A general message posted on here to those who would like to have a meeting/tea, coffee, with others could result. Also, hopefully more than one person would show up.
I haven't put this particularly lucidly but I'm sure you understand
I'm going to do this myself, who knows, more than one person may well show up. There are so many people who are hurting.

I promised a gransnet member that l would contact her after Easter. I tried to this morning but was told that there is no-one answering to Blueskyl. Can you help. I think she lives somewhere near Haywards Heath in West Sussex.

I’m 65, two daughters one grandchild living with my partner Judith. I don’t have close friends and I do have some friendships but I need to connect with other people. I’m depressed and I’m trying to volunteer but with no success at present. I would like to have others to talk to online, pen pal etc but the internet seems to offer suspect unsafe sites. I live in in North Yorkshire so if possible connecting with people I could eventually meet up with would be very welcome.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Vauxhall, I think I might recommend line dancing for you and your husband. Could you persuade him to accompany you as your birthday present?

Petra wrote:

"Alexa
Your post @ 12.28.
Yes they do. We have quite a few single male friends and they all go to the pub for company.
I'm afraid your view of women being perceived as looking 'odd' if going into a pub alone are a little outdated.
I don't know where you live but here in Southend there are a lot of pubs where nobody would think twice if a woman of any age were to come in on her own."

I feel okay even at my age, and even arriving by mobility scooter, to go into a pub during the day for food or a sit down with coffee. I'd look extraordinary lonely if I went to any sort of pub, even the new trend in hobby pubs, by myself at night. Has any gran ever seen an eighty seven year old woman sitting in a pub alone at night?

Colverson- one might have a husband but can still be lonely. I know, was married for 11 years and was very lonely. I divorced him for several other reasons.

Notanan2, you mean converting acquaintances into close friends? You have to have the first before you can proceed to the second, unfortunately.

Lots of dates dont necessarily translate as more likely to find a long term partner. Sometimes people who are serial daters do better when they stop trying to force it...

..same for friends, I think. Its an organic thing that cant easily be manufactured or forced.

Notanan2, you mean converting acquaintances into close friends? You have to have the first before you can proceed to the second, unfortunately.

I suppose it's about finding 'like-minded' people, although some might say I'm a bit Pollyanna-ish in that I do like most people I meet. That's why the recent person I met and disliked has been quite a shock!

I know I've missed out at times by not making a move. I am involved in a local one-day annual festival and have met some fascinating people through that. It's gone no further, though, because I hadn't swapped contact details or even found out their name.

Pubs are so different these days I find. Most serve more coffee and food than alcohol during the day. Its no different to going to costa

Join a group you cant have real friends on line
Agree with that. Was quite involvef in a group online who eventually started meeting in person. Only one was exactly how they came across online. The others didnt decieve its more that online people share a version or side to themselves. Not on purpose. But its a filter of sorts

Join a group you cant have real friends on line,its hard I should know as Im on my own So have to make a bad effort to get out and inter act.
You are lucky you have a husband so you really are not on your own.

I agree, petra. I go to the pub alone a lot. I have a couple of local pubs I like. I also lead walks for a rambling group. I plan new walks on my own and part of this is checking out pubs on route to see which would be good for group refreshment stops. On solo holidays in the UK I go to the local pubs to eat and drink. Wherever I am, if I am need of refreshment I go into a pub. I don’t think twice about it. If it turns out to be a pub full of sweary men I don't stay but you soon get to know the kind of clientele different pubs attract.

Alexa
Your post @ 12.28.
Yes they do. We have quite a few single male friends and they all go to the pub for company.
I'm afraid your view of women being perceived as looking 'odd' if going into a pub alone are a little outdated.
I don't know where you live but here in Southend there are a lot of pubs where nobody would think twice if a woman of any age were to come in on her own.

Sue for lots of us getting "out there" and making initial contact/conversation is not the issue.

Lonliness doesnt = alone. Its about lacking valuable connections. Not just finding someone to have a conversation with.

Well, I've moved sixteen times over the years within the U.K. and around the world so I've simply had to put myself out there otherwise I'd have been very lonely indeed.

I have more confidence now I am older but I was a shy youngster and indeed up until middle age, really. Even so, I still knew that I had to make the effort because no one would come to me. I hadn't considered it a risk but I suppose you can look at it like that, though I prefer to hope for opportunities.

As I say, you lose some as well as win some. I've recently been introduced to someone within a group but I knew almost immediately I will never hit it off with her. I'm going to unavoidably be mixing with her on occasion and I will of course be polite but I'll mark it down to experience.

Do some men still frequent comfortable and comforting pubs in a spirit of not being bothered whether or not they meet a romantic liaison or a true friend?

In the two famous soaps one sees women doing likewise. I have wished for such a pub and such a local community but in vain. It would be so nice to wander into a pub and not feel out of place because of being alone or looking odd. Men seem to be permitted to look odd and alone, but women aren't 'permitted' to look odd and solitary in pubs.

I agree Alexa

It's relatively "easy" to arrange a coffee

Its not easy to have been the one arranging all these initial coffees but to not be getting any invites back in return and have them all tail off....

Its easier, sometimes, to stop putting in the effort when it keeps resulting in nothing because it hurts. You can shrug it off to an extend. Rationalise it like "not everyone clicks" & "maybe they are really busy, but it can wear you out, this "putting yourself out there" business

And ultimately the "scatter gun" approach doesnt work well just like you are unlikely to find a long term romantic partner by asking people out on dates before you know them well enough to know whether or not theres likely to be chemistry and attraction and good conversation.

Alexa's comparison with finding romantic connections is a very good one.

SueDonim, setting out to seek a friend , like setting out to seek a spouse, is a risk if not to one's self esteem to one's time and energy.

Those are not limitless and sometimes the effort is unlikely to get the result that one wants. You have to be practical and know who you are. There are individuals with whom everyone want to be friends, and at the other extreme there are individuals with whom nobody wants to be friends.
Also some people are choosy and some just want some acquaintance to sit and have a coffee with. The latter is easy to arrange.

Hondagirl and Magicwriter, in my experience of living in many different places, someone needs to make the first move and it pretty much has to come from the person seeking friends.

Those in established groups may think you already have a riotous life and have no need of new friends! So ask someone out for coffee on a particular date (not 'sometime') and see where it goes from there. Nothing ventured, nothing gained and all that.

There are quite a lot of people on here who sound as though they need a 'good friend'. I previously said that these people should put where they live or a postcode [first part would do] and see what comes of it. I do have a hubbie but am always ready to have a coffee with anyone - his hobbie keeps him in the house, I like to go out, so no problem there. SK6

I'd love to make the effort to reach out to one or two people whom I met recently. I've not done so and would not presume to do so as they are both much younger than I, and for all I know are married women or have busy work lives. . I know for a fact that a lone woman of 87 , a divorcee with little money and few social contacts has not enough to recommend her as a friend to many others. I'd love to get to know someone who would not look down on me and who shares some interests with me enough to be more than an acquaintance.

Vs groups where the activity level appeals to me now: a lot of them only meet once a month!

When I used to volunteer regularly, there was lots of company whilst there, buy by the nature of groups of volunteers, people dipped in and out around their other commitments and you were never with the same grouo each time. If you had a good chat/laugh with someone it might be a month or two before you ended up volunteering on the same day again. If you want to invite someone to meet up outside of the activity you are having to make that move before you've really gotten to know them well

Same with clubs, knitting groups etc.

When I was young people had the time to commit to clubs more, and the clubs I was in spent much more TIME together so you got to know people better. Young peoples sports clubs train together often 2 or 3 times a week AND have a weekly social night as well as othet bigger social events: no wonder I had less difficulty developing friendships then!