Gransnet forums


Feeling a bit used

(11 Posts)
Sussemac Thu 04-Apr-19 11:08:45

Morning, I am new to this forum, I am 63 years old , have two daughters, & o e has 2 boys aged 9 & 6, my other daughter has a boy of 2 years , I have helped my eldest daughter out with childcare ever since they were born , she goes away with her job so involves staying over, have been struggling for many years now , as not got the stamina, also have a [email protected] husband now , which doesn’t help.
I find it very hard to stay no , & recently had a hard time looking after them, which upset me immensely.

Anja Thu 04-Apr-19 12:07:59

Well by 9 & 6 it ought to be getting easier as they are, hopefully, older and more sensible.

Can I ask what the ‘hard time’ was as this has clearly brought matters to a head?

lemongrove Thu 04-Apr-19 12:11:55

We don’t have the stamina that we used to have, that’s the problem
Let your DD know how you feel, that you are willing and wanting to help, but that it’s often a struggle.
Do the boys fight/argue?

crazyH Thu 04-Apr-19 12:22:33

Sussemac- so am I, used, I mean. Looked after my daughter's 2 , since they were born...they are now 16 and 17. My daughter only rings when she wants something . She still hasn't given me my Mother's Day card . She too works away a lot and says the card is still in her car. I feel,sad and angry. I texted her yesterday because we are supposed to for a show together - still hasn't replied. She is a moody girl . I get very frustrated with her.
I too find it difficult to say 'no '. I'm sure there are lots of us grandmas in the same position. Best wishes xx

EllanVannin Thu 04-Apr-19 12:37:17

I'm another who practically brought up two of my GC, besides working, running a home and then looking after a sick husband. Granted I was late 40's and into my late 50's but once retired at 60 I didn't half feel the strain.
Years later I'd learned that I was " part of being controlled " by my ex SiL who'd lived the life of Riley swanning around with my D and brainwashing her into what mother's were there for. I was a prize mug !

I wouldn't ever do it again, it nearly killed me.
Sussemac----you have a life. LIVE IT !!

mcem Thu 04-Apr-19 13:35:59

Until an accident knocked the stuffing out of me, I had my DD's 2, now 10 and 8, for overnight stays from after school on Friday until Sunday lunchtime.
I've had to say to her that the 2nd night has become too much for me so now it's either Friday or Saturday! There was no big discussion, I simply said it was too exhausting and couldn't do it any more.
All's well now.

paddyann Thu 04-Apr-19 13:37:05

crazyh I still had my MIL's card and gift here until this morning when my OH went to fix something in her kitchen.Its not always possible to deliver things right on time .MIL lives 40 ish miles away and I dont drive, she knows and understands that sometimes life gets in the way.Cut your girl some slack .Teenagers can be far worse than toddlers in my experience and if she's working and looking after a home she's doing a great job in my opinion.

Anja Thu 04-Apr-19 13:41:08

I actually get on better with my two grandsons than I do their parents. The older one (12) often pops in to see me at the weekend just for a chat or catch up or a snack. Long may it continue.

One thing....because I have done so much full time childminding since they were babies, and still after school with the younger ones, I’ve never been afraid to discipline them. I obviously don’t resort to smacking but I can give them a good telling off or remove privileges or toys etc..

But by the same token I’ve been the one there when they are sick off school, with cuddles and Calpol, or the sweetie tin!

M0nica Thu 04-Apr-19 13:51:02

What happens if you become ill and both you and your DH need care? Will your DD give up her job to look after you or pay for the care you will both need? I doubt it.

Sit your daughter down nail her feet to the floor and her ears to the wall (metaphorically of course!!). Spell out to her in words of one syllable what you have told us. That all this childcare has become too much and the load has to be reduced.

Tell her what you can do - and be cautious, prepare your self in case you and DH get more tired and ill and if she has to make other arrangements for childcare, give her a months notice - and stick to your decision.

sodapop Thu 04-Apr-19 13:55:12

Spot on MOnica

Lily65 Thu 04-Apr-19 13:58:59

Does your daughter have a partner....are they a 2 income household?

They should pay for childcare and lessen the burden.