Visiting son and family abroad

So happy for you, we all have our off days. Enjoy

Shirley......Wow !!!

Lily65 thank you. My son is indeed a very talented linguist speaking 6 languages fluently. He has worked his way up in a Japanese company so no mean feat. He got a first class hons in Japanese studies at Durham so we are very proud of him. He is also a little on the autistic spectrum - high functioning - which makes life interesting at times?

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I think I misled you as my son and DiL both speak English to the children. However they spend a lot of time with their Japanese grandparents who do not speak English. The children are fairly bi-lingual but obviously prefer their mother tongue as anyone would. I think I was just having a bad day. Perhaps jetlag combined with hormone tablets (post cancer) I have to take was not a good mix. I am enjoying our time very much and DiL was able to eat with us yesterday. Thanks everyone for your kind words

Your son must be linguistically very talented to hold down a job as a company director, in a language which is so difficult to learn.

I find the Google Translate app to be very good. You can get audio translate on it too which helps with pronunciation.

Shirley I do empathise as I too have family who live abroad, in the USA.
It’s hard staying with anyone for any length of time, not wanting to be a nuisance in someone else’s house, and perhaps feeling that you’re a stranger to your grandchildren. (That does get better as they get older).
I haven’t really any advice except hang in there! You say your DiL is lovely and has arranged for you to all stay somewhere this weekend.
I hope you enjoy your family time together

Riggie

I learned about Japan in my Year 7 Social Studies (course encompassing geography, history, sociology, political science, anthropology, and cultural studies). At that time, it was very common for children to attend juku, or additional lessons after school. It was an expectation that children would do well at school and be able to get into a good university. At that time, children were put into school at age 1 and some people were saying that was too late!

Not surprisingly there is a very high depression and suicide rate in Japan. If DIL is working at a residential school it is quite possible she is dealing with non-academic issues for the children as well as academic ones.

My knowledge comes second hand from close friends who have taught in Japan- there's a huge emphasis on education over there with lots if kids doing extra hours after school so it's possible that your dil has to put the hours in as well, and especially at a boarding school.

I experience similar feelings when visiting my son and each time after around 3 days I am desperate to get home, however, we have to stick it out and after another few days we seem able to settle down. Get out and about and enjoy the little ones whilst you can. The trip will be over all too soon and then you know how much you’ll yearn to hold the little ones again. It is difficult but not impossible. Enjoy the rest of your stay.

I may have missed it but have you visited them before as it all seems strange to you. Such a pity that the children are not being brought up bi-lingual as their early years is the best time to learn. My son's wife is Russian and the children have been bi-ligual since they started to speak. It's my son who is the lazy one who doesnt speak Russian. When we visited in November and her lovely mother was over from Russia and can speak some English so if there was something she couldn't say she said it in Russian and my 8 year old grandson translated into English. Perhaps you could get a Japanese to English dictionary and start using simple words for things around the house to talk to the little ones with. Hold up a book or other item and get them to say in Japanese and then you say the English word. They will soon catch on and you will learn some Japanese too. Enjoy the rest of your holiday

So is your son fluent in Japanese?

It would be a terrific shame for these children not to be bilingual. My DH’s sister met and married an Italian and moved there in 1968. When he died 3 years ago he could scarcely utter a word of English. Their children, now in their late 40’s only speak Italian, never being spoken to in English. Poor sister never worked, her only role was to provide 3 meals family meals a day and she has quite poor English herself now.

Different cultures so make the most of your son and grandchildren while you are there as you will not change your DIl. She is who she wants to be and it is no reflection on you as you are who you are so why change for her .
Be assured as your GC become adults they will want to know you and their father's cultures and learn his mother tongue so keep in touch once you are back on familiar ground as I am sure your son will not let them forget you.

The fact your dil has given you space in her home is a sign she's acknowledging your place in their lives. Honestly if you are a person who needs a lot of downtime and early nights, guests are quite a strain, so she's probably doing as well as her own stamina can cope with. Maybe it would be helpful if you another time you could find a nearby hotel or self-catering apartment so you could not be there some of the time, give her a chance to unwind some evenings. Not criticising you at all, just pointing out that she might have different energy levels and personal space needs from other people you know.

Another thought: could you buy a book with pictures of animals and 'read' it with them? You could tell them the animal name in English and they could tell you it in Japanese. They will probably love teaching you and laugh when you mispronounce. I think that could be a good bonding experience.

There might be ways you could play with whatever toys they have when language wouldn't be important.

As others say, your DIL must be exhausted working the hours she does, even although the Japanese work ethic is something she was brought up with.

Any changes probably have to be suggested gently by you through your son.

Japanese children are still expected to respect their elders and girls to consider themselves less important than boys. Your poor DIL probably is scared silly of offending you, you know.

I'm not sure you could have planned your visit better.
According to www.quora.com/How-much-vacation-time-is-normal-in-Japan-for-a-full-time-worker
137 days a year is normal holiday allowance. This includes national holidays, and I don't think employees have any say in when they get the rest of their holidags.

I am sad that you are finding your visit difficult. As you are only there a short time there are a few things you can consider to make the rest of your time with your family a little easier.

1) As others have said your DIL may be trying to give you time with your son.

2) She may be running from one end of an exhausted day to the next and doing the best she can. Working at a boarding school she may have "house duties" that keep her at work after the school day. So her going to bed could have lots of reasons, exhaustion being one of them.

3) Google "Culture Shock" your post reads as if you are suffering at least some of the effects. You do sounds as if you are feeling anxious and somewhat off your normal balance - you are allowed to feel these feelings. Be a little kinder to yourself and in turn this will help you relax. It really is worth a quick read around "Culture Shock".

4) As sad as it is that you and your DGC are struggling with the language you are there with them. Body language speaks volumes and children are the best at reading it as I'm sure you know so best face forward - to misquote the saying.

5) Examine the expectations you had about your time there.

Look hard at what ideas you put in your mind about How your visit Should be.

Look at What you Expected their family structure to be, structure of time, how they parent, what time would they normally have as a family on a working day if you weren't there etc.

Have a think about those things and then look again and see if in all their daily tasks they have tried to make some space for you.

I'm sure they have and so are you, you have given them some credit so you are finding your balance again.

However, not only is the country culture different but their family patterns sound very different to the patterns/structures you had when you were parenting your son.

It is the most natural thing in the world to go into a situation thinking it will be very similar to one we've experienced in the past only to find this situation is very, very different and that will throw us off balance.

6) However sad and not yourself you are feeling right now it is clear you are doing your best to make it work. Give yourself credit for your efforts at this tough time, be kind to yourself, that kindness gets passed round.

And "This Too Shall Pass". As you know only too well this time will pass very fast so you clearly want to make the most of it for you, your son and the DGC as well as making it as easy as possible for your DIL.

Good Luck and may you find joy in the rest of your visit.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

See the positives. My grand daughter and I visited a japanese family two years ago and they were all children and adults completely programmed from morning till night when they fell into bed exhausted. It was August in Tokyo. To give us their girls bedroom they bought an air conditioner for us and the family all slept on rugs on the floor in the lounge. We were very grateful for their hospitality and fascinated by a culture that is so hard working. We were grateful for any time together. My grand child went shopping for groceries with the father on a bicycle. Quite and experience and we used the underground for trips. A marvellous experience. the last time I visited Japan was 50 years ago when I stayed with an Englishman who was on holiday as he taught English as a Foreign Language in a local school in Osaka. That was quite a different experience.

Hi Shirleyjmac
I sympathise with you, and totally know how you feel, as I am now a gran!
But as an ex-full-time teacher, I just want to say that teaching is a wholly consuming and exhausting job!! It sounds as if your DIL is very dedicated to her job, and when she comes home simply has no resources left. I know because I have been there, and seen fellow teachers in the same position. You'd love to be like other people but this job takes ALL your energy. Stay friends with her/them and show yourself caring (and understanding). It could build towards a really good relationship in future...which is what you want, and need. Said from the heart!!

My Korean friend (brought up in NZ since she was 6) went o work in Japan and fell in love.
Although she spoke basic Japanese he spoke no Korean so they had a hand-held translator.

One speaks English (or indeed any language) into it, press a button and it speaks back to you in the language you want, in your case Japanese. Ask your son to invest in this for you and then you can communicate with your grand-children.
Watch this video to see how it's used:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=WeByuOD8k1c

Enjoy your holiday, your family sound lovely, even if very hard-working.

I would add OP, that you are perfectly entitled to feel dow, low, disappointed, worried and any other negative emotion. They don't magically disappear because you are abroad.

daughter in law may be giving you time with your son

It seems unusual that Dad hasn't spoken English? Not doing a cultural superiority thing, but it would be very useful in life.