How to address letters in the modern world

There was some correspondence about this very subject in the Daily Telegraph recently.

If I'm addressing anything to a couple I always use Mr & Mrs J(ohn) Smith but if sending to a female friend who's married I always use her initial. One of my friends does the 'old fashioned' thing of using my husband's initials when sending anything to only me i.e Mrs J Smith which I find very irritating! As for cohabiting couples I'm not so sure - Mr J Smith and M(is)s A Brown is probably the best!

mr and mrs .and miss for single person or mr.for single man.

Jocork - a similar thing here. A friend remarried, but for years I didn't know her husbands surname. I did ask in one of my letters, but was never told. Another family member told me when I eventually bumped into them. It did seem odd addressing the envelope by first names only.

I struggle with a Christmas card to an old friend who married later in life. She notified me of her marriage to 'Lawrence' and their new address. She failed to tell me her new surname though. I still send a card every year addressed to 'Lawrence and Di' which always seems odd! I've even emailed and asked what her surname is but got no reply - just continue to get a card from 'Lawrence and Di'.

My DD is in a same sex marriage, Christmas cards are addresses to Mrs A & Mrs B followed by surname as DD took her partner's (wife's) surname, she hasn't told me she doesn't like it

I agree with GrowingOld & gillybob it is difficult knowing how to address envelopes to same sex couples, probably best to ask. As for finding cards I just want nice cards that say to my DD & DiL in the same way that you get cards to DD & SiL or DS & DiL, I don't want twee cards just nice ones, they take some hunting out but the last 2 years I have found beautiful Christmas cards.

I expect to be addressed as Mrs as I am a widow, I hate Ms & as for being addressed by Health Professionals etc by my forename, that's a dreadful assumption as I've always been known by my middle name

But gillybob, why do your cards have to show a couple at all? I don't send my married daughter a card showing a couple (of people, animals or anything else) I choose one with a picture that's relevant to her or that she'll like. The only time a card might show a couple is when they actually get married, and even then there are plenty of cards with wedding cakes, champagne glasses etc. Or if you must have a pair of something, try birds, they're usually gender-neutral.

You misunderstand me grannyticktock I don’t want a card showing a pair of gay bunnies at all, just a card with nice words and a nice picture not featuring a traditional male/female couple.

I am still guilty of using the male only initial when writing to a couple, as in Mr and Mrs J Smith (hubby would be called John in this instance). I still use Master or Miss if writing to unmarried youngsters and use Ms if not sure with adult females.

Are you suggesting other women who had successful careers didn't do it through merit as well lilypollen?
I was promoted on return to work after mat leave. My baby was 8 months, I was still breast feeding before and after work. I overheard a male colleague, who'd applied for the same post but not been promoted suggesting that "you have to be a lesbian or a breast feeding mother to get promoted here these days".
The vast majority of managers were male. Just saying.

Etiquette changes over time, of course. We no longer use the forms Jane Austen knew but I try to use the form my recipient would use, so Mrs J. Smith if she’s old, John and Jane Smith if younger but married, John and Jane if they aren’t.
In my youth children were Miss or Master and an unmarried lady remained Miss.
I hate Ms but it’s rarely used anymore..

Bijou I agree. Been married for over 40 years I am Mrs. Actually couldn't wait to show off wedding ring at work once we were married. I had a career in my own right and back then got where I was through merit, not ticking female boxes....just saying!

I would like to be able to address one of our next gen. couples by their first names eg Jack & Jill.
But I don't know if the postman will understand.
Unless the address is the most important thing?

My 3 year old grandson often arrives shouting 'hey guys, we're here'. I love him and love his enthusiasm so he guys does it for me.

I write to people as susan jones and John brown, ignore doctorates, or Ms Mrs Miss Mr - who needs it. If they're married and trad I'll probably put Mr and Mrs Fred Jones though I do worry about where Mrs Susan Jones fits in that.

Gay couples if married, unless they've changed their names or combined them just use both full names. It's simple.

Incidentally, with regard to my above post, I thought we lived in a more liberal and caring society now. With people behaving like that, I’m clearly wrong!

Doodle, I think the person with a female name who objected to being addressed as Madam, was seriously rude. How was your friend supposed to know that she identified as a man? I’m afraid people like the man/woman who behave like this are insufferable. No offence was meant, none should have been taken!

I am old fashioned and do like to be addressed as Mrs.
I address son and his wife as Mr and Mrs.
I think it is disrespectful for companies to address me by letter or telephone by my forename.
I will be noticed that I don’t like using acronyms.

My brother remarried and his second wife double-barrelled her surname with his. So when I send a Christmas card it has to be addressed to (for example) 'Mr L Smith and Mrs M Wilson-Smith.'

I did my secretarial training in the early 70s, and we weren't taught the correct form for, say unmarried couples, and certainly not if they have children. I just list all the names. I would have to look up how to do it properly. It is not done in Germany to address a couple using just the husband's initial. I have forgotten what to do there, so I use the useful: "Familie Schmidt".

When sending a condolence card, the family may have different surnames and the Germans can get round that with"Trauerhaus Schmidt", meaning the "House of mourning" and the surname of the deceased.

What about emails? The sensible way seems to be to save time, go straight in with Hi or Hello or Good morning, Jane, and end simply with one's name, or Love, or Regards, according to the relationship. What is the approved the business style and what is casual?

The same-sex marriage thing is so new that there is probably no rule. I think if I needed to know, I would ask the couple how they like to be styled. Friends can dispense with titles and just use full names, but banks, insurance firms etc must be establishing some sort of pattern and I expect before too long there will be an accepted style of address.

Gillybob, I think your search for cards featuring gay cats or lesbian bunnies is doomed. Why do you need to depict a couple at all on a card? Can't you just find a nice card with a picture of trees/boats/fireworks or whatever, and write your own greeting in it?

I have a similar query to GrowingOld . How do you address a card or letter to a same sex couple?

Mrs & Mrs ? or Mrs's or just first names?

Its easier when I text them as I just say "hi girls"....

I struggle to even find cards for my DD's best friends who are a same sex couple as they all seem to have a female looking bunny and a male looking bunny (dog, cat or whatever) even when the words read "to a lovely couple" they are still aimed at male/female couples.

I address letters to my children's generation using first name and surname of recipient e.g. Ann Smith. If they are a couple who don't share a surname, I write, Ann Smith and John Brown.

If both have a doctorate and use their title, then the letter should either be address to Dr. Ann Smith and Dr. John Brown, or to Ann Smith Ph.d and John Brown Ph.d, or whatever the relevant academic degree is.

Drs. Smith and Jones would be an option, especially if they are physicians.

You could if they are friends just write Ann Smith and family.

The easiest thing is to simply ask the person concerned what form of address they prefer, or if you don't know them and it is a business letter, ring their secretary and ask.

I had to ask my gay friends how to address their Christmas card as Mr Jones and Mr Smith seemed cumbersome. They said Messrs ! Which I's what I do now but feel I'm addressing a firm !

When I was an army wife in the seventies we were not known by our own names at all. We were referred to as WO John **** (Wife of, then husband's name) How outdated was that!

lilypollen
The only couple I used that style for we had known him longer.

That makes sense to me ☺