How to deal with a sociopath?

I posted about my daughter being married to someone like this, but only through reading all posts did i realise i was also married to someone like this, twice
First husband wouldn;t let me go anywhere without him, and accused me of having men in when he was at work, when it was him who was having affairs,my sister took me to my mothers in another county, i had to leave when he was at work, with no money as he took what i had in my purse after me saying i was going to leave,i had to climb through a window with my 3 children
My second husband banned me from seeing friends, and and also was very controlling not allowing me any money apart from enough to buy food daily, also being cruel to my children, from first marriage, even killing my sons pet ferret, and said he would never accept them as his ,his mother never accepted them as her grandchildren either, and when his children were left 1000s by a relation of his, mine were left out
I can;t believe this has only just dawned on me after reading all these horror stories,
Buried it deep i think, rarely think about them and they have never bothered with my/ and their children either

You can't deal with a sociopath, just avoid them like the plague!
I agree with the others who say to keep communicating with your daughter in any way that you can and encourage other family and friends to do the same. It will disprove anything he might say about you not caring and one day, God willing, she will see him for what he is and know that she has people who really care about her.

I knew someone who was driven to suicide by his wife who was exactly like this.

omg that sounds like my daughters father. he made me break contact with my friends and penpals. he read all my letters .wiped tapes that i sent them.broke open my writing desk. tore up my photos of my dad.wanted his dinner on the table at 6pm every night.never looked after our daughter even though i had her all day and night(colic) my job...he said.. he left d when we went on holiday .he left her in her buggy at a seat on i.o.w and walked off. my mum and i caught up with him and said where was daughter ,he said she wouldnt stop crying so i left her back there.we rushed back and there she was red faced sobbing .luckily there was a passing police woman and she took control ,and gave him a severe ticking off .of course he blamed me ,your fault over and over. so he just walked off back to hotel and watched tv.holy whatsits i cant forget all the nasty things he did. took my jewellery including engagement ring( i took it off to do washing etc(no machines in the 1980's had to do in bath or sink)stuck a knife in kitchen door .good job i slammed it shut. . got to a point where i was so confused that i went to see a psyctrisist. who told me its not you its him..the breaking point was he told our daughter to be quiet on christmas day morning because he wanted to watch tv. i just exploded told him to bugger off. and how dare he say that . he said where do i go. told him back to his dads house......we did see him from time to time but it was about 4 years ago that he starting harassing daughter again to see grandchildren. d husband was adamant that he have no contact after knocking on door at midnight to see daughter and drop off money..got so bad i told him .i would have him up for harrassment if he contacted me or d again...your daughter needs you .be there for her. no take any c**p from her partner... . tell him he cant control you...

I too was in a relationship like this many years ago. I was forbidden to see friends, forbidden to hang underwear on the washing line, had to keep my head bowed when we were out so as not to make eye contact with another man. He would meet me from work but arrive early and watch me through the window. He listened in to all phone calls, chose my clothes and forbade me to read magazines and novels. He told me if I ever left him he would hut me down and kill me. He also said he would kill my parents. I believed him and that’s why I stayed.
He abused me physically and emotionally and gave me sexually transmitted disease.
He eventually met somebody else and I walked out in only the clothes I was wearing. I moved to another part of the country having given in my notice at work unbeknown to him and started a new life.
I am a well educated professional with a first class honours degree and a master of science degree so far from stupid.
It all happened so gradually (because that is how sociopaths operate).
30 years on, I still live in fear of bumping into him.
Women have to leave these men even if it means they lose everything. They never change.

My daughter too was married to a man like this,he controlled her completely, and slept with a knife above their bed, she o0ften had bruises and made excuses for how she got them, dshe escaped to a friends a long way away, then he threatened me and said when he found her he would shoot her, he finally persuaded her to come back, then tied her up, and threatened to kill himself and make her watch
I managed to speak to her after that and told her of something i had read,to ring 999 and leave the phone off the hook,and the police would trace it,they did and brought her to me
He was eventually arrested and jailed, but when he got out he hanged himself, awful to say about anyone, but what a relief to me
My daughter had a nervous breakdown and it took her a long time to recover
She now has a lovely man who thinks the world of her
I sincerely hope your daughter sees the light and gets rid of him,and i feel for you, as her mother
AS SAID, TRY TO KEEP COMMUNICATION OPEN WITH HER,Sorry caps by accident

It is now a recognised crime. Not sure how useful they will be, but could be worth contacting police.

My daughter was married to one. Until she sees it herself you can't really do anything. Just be there for her.

In the meantime re write reword your will

My heart goes out to all who are/have experienced this kind of relationship. It took me a long time (and cost me a lot mentally as well as financially) before I was finally able to say No and Get Out.

I lost contact with some acquaintances, who I thought were friends, so I'm sure he turned on the charm to them and made out he was the one who'd suffered. I don't care. I'm happier without him than I ever was with him and have rebuilt my life with people who care about me unconditionally. I'm just angry with myself that it took me so long to see the truth.

Our daughter is married to someone who is controlling and manipulative. He is a pastor! They are both living 1400 miles away from where we are living and where my daughter grew up. He has very craftily gotten her back to his home territory and had convinced her that she had a materialistic viewpoint her of childhood life; friends from her growing up years as well as her parental influence was not good for her spiritually or personally. We have very limited access to her or our two grandchildren. We are heartbroken.

Something which I should have mentioned in my original reply - a personality disorder can only be diagnosed by a mental health professional, such as a psychiatrist.
Regardless, Nudejude’s daughter is obviously in a controlling relationship.

NudeJude, I think the wheel that BradfordLass offered is an invaluable tool that you can use to learn the workings of a controlling relationship and in turn help your daughter-

The following is what I have personally experienced and carried out on my own- I ever so slowly changed my tone from heavy with concern to light as a feather, not mentioning anything personal or expressing worry- Discussed weather, hobby, the news, anything the individual is interested in-

In time, as exchanges became more frequent, the individual began to offer bits of information, not to be commented on immediately, but simply understood with an even acceptance of what's being said-

I learned to express a bit of interest, and concern where applicable, in the partner/husband/wife, be it their well being or struggle or hobby, so forth -- initiate them into the conversation, gently-

Doing this over the course of months/years .. (it can take time..) the person slowly surfaced from the clutches of the control enough to recognize, on their own, the dynamic of the relationship, the impact it was having and finally re-established their confidence enough to begin to do something about it-

Be confident- Good luck-

I am so sorry Nudejude.

A lot of your OP could have been written about our son and his wife. We have been estranged from him and our only GC for more than 6 years.

We had no idea what was going on until it was too late.

As others have suggested, do what ever you can to keep the lines of communication open with your DD. Once our ES refused any and all contact, he was lost to us.

I don’t know about sociopath but it is definitely classic Coercive Control. And it can be v v dangerous.

willa I'm concerned how he might react to her if he finds out.

Lots of good advice on here.

NannaR so sorry to hear about your son. No idea how it all starts though.

May I just add that women do it to men as well? So far this all seems one way but women use their children as a way to control men and we have seen on here how often a dil will make the man choose her or his family.

I totally recognise that behaviour, NudeJude. I was married to a Sociopath for 20 years. It took me that long to escape. All became well after that, and I can analyse the situation with a calm resolve. The sad thing is, I now recognise the same behaviour in my own adult Son. I'm trying to understand if it's learned behaviour or a genetic disposition. He suddenly became s-o hostile to his Family that I needed to protect my DDiL and children. As a result I have now become estranged from my dearly beloved, mentally ill Son, although he would never accept that description. My DDiL has moved on, and we maintain a comfortable relationship, but I can't help but worry about the children, who pass from pillar to post, culture to culture. I am struggling to find any hope of restitution for my Son. Our Relationship has become the collateral damage of his illness. The fact is - both parties need help. It isn't enough to protect just one Partner. The offending Partner, without help, will continue to offend other relationships. I wonder NudeJude … is there anyone who could help Counsel your Daughter's Partner? If anyone knows of any way to help the offender I would desperately love to know.

Please keep the lines of communication open between you and your DD; as time goes on you will be her lifeline. We had a vile person like this in our family many years ago; it started subtly by his arranging nice little 'surprise' weekend breaks for our youngest DD or outings that always managed to be on family birthdays so that we didn't all get together any more. Then pressure on her to spend Christmas abroad with him, another family tradition sidelined, then he couldn't come to any family events at all due to 'work commitments' but would ring and text her constantly while she was with us. All the while he was friendly, concerned, joking and pleasant - until I was told by a person he didn't know was a family friend about his plans, and they were not pleasant. He is long in the past, but the memory lingers. Take care; luckily for us the person concerned got over confident and started to reveal his true self and everything fell apart between him and our DD, but unfortunately this won't always happen and the damage goes on.

Nonnie an accurate description of their behaviour, very sad Ruins all relationships I don’t know what the answer is. I’ve tried to help my sister & support her, very tricky as it’s her youngest daughter in her 20’s who is doing this.

Nonnie....but don't you think he's already driven a serious wedge between her family and friends?

Consider too that fear is a prime weapon of choice when it comes to controlling someone.

I agree that there's a risk in trying to see daughter without him around, but how about the risk of doing nothing? Can we come up with a safer way to talk to daughter in private? As long as he doesn't know what they talked about, what's the worse he could do? Accuse MIL of taking wife out for a coffee?

Nudejune - Sociopathy is a personality disorder also referred to as antisocial personality disorder. It is a psychiatric ailment which is treatable but incurable. It is considered one of the most dangerous personality disorders. Your post is incredibly sad and you have my upmost sympathy. Absent has offered some good advice which I hope has helped you.
As others say, please try to keep all lines of communication, with your daughter, open. I know three women who are in similar controlling relationships. Each of these ladies has been isolated from friends and family for between fifteen and thirty years.
Know that I empathise and keep you and your family in my thoughts.

willa not so sure about that, imagine if he found out?

They work by twisting what is said and making things appear to be the fault of the person they are controlling. They get very angry when proved wrong and won't admit it. They say they couldn't have done what you say because of ................... They convince their subject that they are ill/incompetent/liars or whatever so that the subject no longer knows what is true and what is not. They tell lies about their subject to friends/colleagues and then say that everyone agrees with them so the subject must be wrong. They may even call the police and say the subject has done something criminal but there will be no proof. Often they accuse others of what they have done themselves. And they always know what others are thinking which usually says more about the way their mind works than anything the subject thinks. They drive a wedge between their subject and family and friends.

My 2nd husband was like this. I left eventually at age 58 to start again. I do hope that her friends and family don't give up on her and believe him and his lies. I hope that eventually she is able to leave and live her life the way she wants and to be the person she's meant to be.

There is a good description of the "Charming Manipulator" in Ian Stewart and Van Joines "Personality Adaptations"

Once we accept that Sociopaths are "Charming Manipulators" we start to understand how they can and do mess with our heads but watching someone we love in a relationship with them is as hard on us as it for our loved ones in the relationship.

Hang on in there and as others have said make sure your DD knows you are there for her even if your contact is limited. If she knows you will be there when she decides to leave and then make your plans as to how to help her once she's left is about the best you can do right now.

Then pray she sees the light and leaves. No announcement that she's leaving, careful planning and then one day just leave.

May she be ready very soon. Don't push for contact, make him think he's winning but make sure she knows where to go and how to be safe.

Wishing you the best of luck with the situation and a good outcome.

Very few people operate in a vacuum. He's probably left a sufficient amount of wreckage behind. I would hire a private investigator to do a background check on this guy and hopefully gather enough 'intel' to open her eyes. Does he have a job to go to? When he's not around, why not invite daughter for a drive and a coffee and talk to her privately inside your car?

Is there anyone she still trusts (outside of the family circle), with sufficient credibility to be persuasive (i.e. a trusted family friend, her once best friend, etc.) that you could invite along? Hearing the right messages from the right people, may water down his sphere of influence and will make him less relevant.