Not saying ‘no’ to children.

Daddima I understood your originaal post and replied as below.

^ 'no' is just one of many words we use to children in hundred's of different situations among hundredsof different words. If 'no' is the only or main word used by a parent there is a problem well beyond the use of the word.^

Of course I did then add a para about parents who always say 'yes', which is, as you say, not what you were talking about.

Daddima what if the child who asks for a biscuit will not be allowed one after dinner? My children knew if I said later then whatever it was would be honoured later. If I said next week, then next week it would be. And if I said no, then no it was, and they never even tried "broken record"

I have always found that if people react strongly to a post I have made in a way I did not expect....its usually my fault for not expressing myself more clearly.

I am disappointed that so many people have read my original post as meaning never say no to your children, and always give them what they ask for.

The other day when my 3 granddaughters were here, my husband asked the middle one (rising 6) if she’d put the cutlery away. “No” was the reply followed by “But thank you for the offer”!

Mcem I agree with you. Saying no gently and carrying through consistently. Many people feel bad when kids cry after hearing no. But a quick distraction after a gentle no usually works.

BusterTank
I like your idea of a No day

Try YouTube and tap in "Tantrums but no tears!"

It's unbelievable.

With my children we had a no day about every two weeks , it didn't effect them in any way . Most of the stuff they asked for they really didn't want . They would say can i have , then say it's a no day and they just carry on

I'm in the 'today we are .....' camp. When teaching, the day often started with either verbal, or blackboard/whiteboard instructions, plans etc. If I had the means, I would develop a commercial product which would start this pattern from early stages. It would consist of a range of attractive, relevant pictures, amongst other pictorial, or actual, props which would demonstrate 'today we are . . . '. The attributes could be related to clothing, activities, places to go, food etc. My idea would be that the 'board' would be discussed at the start of the day, so that the child is aware of what is going to take place. This would obviously be in very simple terms at the early stage, moving on with age. As children grow older, they could be involved in the planning. Parents could add their own drawings and ideas. With my rosy spectacles on, my hope would be that daily planning in the home would be just part of the routine, and could help the day to go more smoothly, perhaps avoid conflict and make the transition to school easier. In my dreams!!

My ten year old granddaughter has ‘the look’ down to a fine art, it is frequently used on her younger siblings!

Juliet27 Oh yes, I remember that look on my mother's face. She didn't have to say a word. We knew what it meant.

Sussexborn good story.
From my experience, both with my own family, and in my work with teenagers, younger teens appreciate set limits, after an initial battle of wills.
Older teenagers are another story. .

We stayed in a “luxury mobile home” with our 2 daughters and DD2s friend. The two younger girls were 13. They met up with a group about the same age and wanted to stay out with them until midnight. Rightly or wrongly the answer was a definite NO. The friend then actually suggested that DD2 should keep asking until I gave in. Both daughters immediately said “we won’t be allowed to go at all then”. Strangely enough none of the other young teens were allowed to stay out until midnight either!

My children knew the look on my face meant 'No'. In fact if I caught sight of that face in a mirror I frightened myself!!

Ixwas in Gregg today and a mother was allowing her twins to run amoke they were taking sandwhich of the shelfcopening them she just put them back taking stickers of the food she just put them on and when they picked up the two gingerbread men and decided they wanted them after just putting fingers in the cream cakes again said nothing .Than just said i will just get you the gingerbread men than.Than they was panicked in the shop because she couldn't find one and he was hiding behind the pushchair.Why they werent in it in the first place.I hate to think what they will be like when they start school as not once did she correct them

Oh yes Witzend! One of my pet hates as well!

I also have a very strong willed 3 year old grandson.
And I find it very difficult not to say the word No.

On the other hand, my Dd thinks reasoning with him is the way to go. I can see her point of view but it’sbb sometimes difficult to reason with a 3 year old. Trouble is, I’m an older granny and can’t quite get my head around this softer style of parenting.

I suppose consistency should be the main objective.

Yes, indeed - the 'no no no no no...'. followed eventually by a weary, 'Oh, go on then,' - after the child has howled or yelled for 10 or 20 minutes, is the worst. I had a friend who did it a lot - it drove me mad, especially given the child's triumphant beam when the usual strategy had worked yet again!
Also saw it with a particular mother where I worked. TBH I wanted to shake her and tell her to grow a backbone! Her kids knew exactly how to 'play' her every time.

I was in a queue a while ago, in front of a young mum (on her mobile, of course, who kept telling her young son ‘Don’t do that’, ‘Don’t touch that’ etc. Suddenly the little boy said ‘Please mum, what CAN I do?’.

Lancslass, I spent a while in early years, then 8 years delivering Positive Parenting courses. It’s an excellent programme, but so many parents sign up ( or are ‘ encouraged’ to do so by social services, then don’t practise the strategies, and say that the course didn’t work.
Have a look at ‘ Driving Mum and Dad Mad’ on You Tube, some really challenging behaviour there!

Oh, dear, I feel like a grumpy old woman reading this.

Of course we need to consider whether instead of saying no we could rephrase things, but it all depends on how old the child is, and what he or she is attempting.

A very small child needs to know when and what not to do, but isn't necessarily able to understand the concept of harming himself by running out into the street, or playing with matches.

As they grow older they can understand explanations and should be given them, but they need to realise that as mcem said they can't always do as they want.

Parents should make it quite clear what is not acceptable and No should mean no. However, only use it when necessary and then stick to it until a child is old enough to reason and change your mind. A child with no rules is not a happy child. Better to work with praise but that isn't always appropriate

We seem to be becoming unable to say no and if something goes wrong it must be someone else's fault. I heard on a consumer programme a young person went to uni and signed up for a year's rent. They then dropped out and the parent was complaining that they were still being expected to pay the rent. I think the young person should have been taught that if you sign a contract you are committed to it. I know this isn't strictly what the OP means but I think it is the result of not saying no when appropriate.

What is wrong with saying the word”no.”?
I would agree that it is better if one can tell a child why the answer is” no”
I might have misunderstood but do you give Courses about this ,Daddima?
I agree with what Farmor15 wrote.
I think a child would prefer a definite answer .

Just remembered when our children were small and would ask for something. We often replied “maybe later”. They soon learnt that “later” mostly didn’t happen and would answer back “you really mean No”. I think they preferred us to say no to start with.