How to deal with sulking touchy DH

Sulking is passive aggressive behaviour.. Simple as that. He can't express himself because hasn't got the skills or courage to come out with what is wrong or knows that his sulking is caused by something inherently selfish. There is a solution if you want to do something about it.. But it also takes courage, ask, ask and ask again. Tell him that you deserve to know because you're his partner. Keep on about it and don't drop it until he spills the beans. You might not like what he has to say but you've got to hear it. Also point out that it's hideous living with someone who uses these games to make a point. Tell him to man up and just say what's on his mind instead of sending you to Coventry, so to speak. This sulking is childish behaviour and causes misunderstanding and resentment all round. It's not acceptable for am adult to use this 'tool' for his own empowerment. Can you tell I absolutely abhore this type of behaviour.

Wait until he is out of his sulking, then you need to have a long talk.

I just get in the car and take myself into town, park up, do some shopping, treat myself to a long leisurely lunch (or afternoon tea) and drift home just about the time I usually start dinner. I then tell him I’ve eaten, suggest he looks in the freezer if he’s hungry, pour myself a glass of wine and turn the TV on.

At least I don’t have to look at sulky face or be in the same room during his sulk.

If he’s ever criticised. Or if someone says he’s wrong or contradicts him. Just can’t take it. Always on the defensive and is argumentative.

What on earth is the source of the sulking?

1mm6
<top tip> If your DH doesn’t like anyone else doing the decorating or the DIY, but won’t actually do it himself, make a start yourself
I guarantee he will have the sandpaper out of your hand before you can say knife and crack on with the job

Ignore it. That is what I do. Admittedly he doesn't do it for days, just a few hours, but ignoring it is the best thing to do. I just let him work it out of his system and continue on my way.

I am afraid my reaction to those who carry on this behaviour for days etc is that he only does it to annoy because he knows it teases and if you act as if you haven't noticed anything the matter and continue as usual, it does becomer rather pointless.

Imm6
I hope you don't have a motohome, as we do, because he might do what my sulker does: disappears. He did it once for 5 days. I blamed IKEA for that one.
We once spent 2 days driving through France not speaking.
That was because I was right and the SatNav was wrong and he believed 'she' could do no wrong.

Ah the DIY thing. Yup I know that one. Wait forever or get accused of 'nagging.' Now I ask once, remind once, then say, 'Ok I'm really keen to get X done so I'm going to pay xxx to do it, as you haven't time'. That always gets him moving, he's a tight Yorkshireman lol.

My husband was touchy and sulky. I divorced him and lived happily ever after.

Great replies, everyone. I have read them all and shall read them again. I love your solution, Elegran, and will definitely try it. Don't want to split up - particularly at our age but I feel I'd rather be on my own when I'm getting the silent treatment. DH has so many good points - helpful, generous, loyal, honest. But it's the silent treatment I can't stand. DH is a perfectionist - everything has to be done slowly and perfectly - I'm talking about DIY and garden and the like. I'm the other way - impatient and quick. So, to him, I'm criticising him when I just want something done. For example, if I want the house painted I want it done immediately whereas he would rather wait months and months till he can find the time to do it himself - which is the only way he's ever satisfied. He can't stand anyone else doing anything as they never do it to his high standards. He thinks he's the only one who can do anything.

Treat him with your usual friendliness, but time how long it takes him to condescend to react normally to you again. Then say "You have been sulking and not speaking to me for the last XX days, while I was being perfectly polite to you. Now I plan to ignore you for exactly the same length of time. I shall repeat this after each occasion when you go into childish sulks in the future. I don't think you will enjoy it. " Then do it.

tanith "My Dad could sulk for England it sometimes went on for months"

How on earth did you all put up with it!

Mine used to do this and I used to walk on egg-shells but it did my head in. Now, I usually go with a forceful and cheerful, 'so have you got the cob on?' and of course he mainly replies with no. Sometimes he will say what the problem is and it's dealt with then. Otherwise if he says no, I'll just reply, 'good!' and get on with some cleaning. I figure if he's going to bug me I might as well be doing something I don't enjoy much. After a bit, he might say, 'so have you got the cob on?' and I'll say, 'yup, when I sense a bad mood I get that way', and that's his cue to discuss. Otherwise he'll normally decide to let it blow over while I'm blitzing. Not perfect, but a big improvement.
His other fault is he never apologises. He does try to make amends but won't say sorry. After 35 years of marriage I finally coaxed out of him why - some things that happened to him many years ago that stuck with him. I haven't had a 'sorry' out of him yet but he has apologised to someone else - which I think is a first. I'll wait till he's ready, as I told him. And anyway now I know why, I'm much less peed off about it anyway.
Old dogs can learn new tricks and inveterate sulkers can improve - but they have to suffer more than you to want to - if they feel they are making you feel bad for making them feel bad, it just feels fair to them.
But I do wonder about the criticism. Do you feel you need to criticise him much? Most people don't like it really. What sort of things do you have to criticise him for?

It's very easy to say 'I wouldn't put up with it' but when the alternative is splitting up a family with children sill living at home it's very difficult to just walk away - esp when they are lovely the rest of the time

Tell him how you feel. If nothing changes, just ignore him and get on with enjoying what you enjoy.Sulking is for small children , adults should communicate.

I just wouldn't put up with someone where you have to walk around on eggshells with life is to short for that,
Right through our marriage we have got on with each other,obviously there have been hiccups here and there but nothing drastic.
I must be very lucky as I am (and our children) looked after by a man who takes every day as it comes he is a treasure.

My Dad could sulk for England it sometimes went on for months when I was young. He did mellow with age and when some of the five of us left home lol.
Life’s too short to live with it so have a conversation and tell him exactly how he makes you feel.

Think N&G have the right idea, you both need to work at resolving this otherwise life is going to be miserable. Good luck

My DH used to be an arch sulker but he seems to be growing out of it and using humour more. Still doesn't like criticism though. Definitely mellowing with age (73 next birthday).

Oh my goodness, I feel so lucky that DH has never been a sulker.
Stroppy, maybe, but always fair and kind, and always the first to say “I’m sorry”
It was me that used to be the sulker ?, when I was much younger. I think I have mellowed with age. When I was in a mood, I knew I was being horrid to him, but couldn’t stop myself.
Now we are older, much, and wiser, maybe, life is very good. On an even keel, even when the health issues rear their ugly heads.
He has been my rock, and I love him for it.

nana what wise words.
grampy is lucky to have you.
OP you need to have ‘the conversation’. It might go something like this:
1. Is it ok to have a little talk?[ask permission]
2. You know when you get annoyed about something, you don’t talk for days?[description of the behaviour you don’t like, statement of fact, no blame, no anger]If he denies it, calmly say that is how it appears to you.
3. That makes me feel ........[describe your feelings]
4. How could you change?
& take it from there.
Good luck

A kick up the behind would be my answer--------can't be doing with sulkers.

I'm watching this with interest because I have one the same - it's getting worse as he's getting older and as I'm becoming menopausal I'm definitely less tolerant of it. I'm never quite sure what I've done - usually said something in 'not kind' way - but the endless watching what I'm saying and how I'm saying it is getting exhausting.

Getting rid is an option - no grip needed here.

I have some sympathy*Imm6*.

Grampy used to be called Grumpy a fairly long time ago. He could sulk for England . One day some years into our marriage I decided that life was too short for it.

We had a frank ( and fairly lively) discussion about it which ended with an ultimatum from me - control your sulking or I’m leaving .

It wasn’t that he sulked , it was that I enabled that behaviour by putting up with it.

I think he realised I absolutely meant it. And change didn’t happen overnight, but he did change . It only works I think if you both want it and are prepared to work towards it. God knows I’m not perfect but I often think in a marriage one partner gets away with murder ONLY if the other partner allows it.

Have a conversation , focus on how it makes you feel and be clear about how you will deal with sulking going forward and let him work it out for himself.

Good luck !