How to deal with sulking touchy DH

Thankfully my OH doesn't sulk, but I've had to deal with plenty of sulky family members in my life. My approach is to let them know you're on to it "Are you in a mood again? How tedious." and then get on with your life. In other words don't let it be seen to be affecting you.

I would go out a lot! - and let him stew. You need a life aside from this black cloud.

He will probably sulk about you going out!!!

My father was a great sulker. Thinking about it now he used it as a threat/form of control. We, my mother and sisters, all danced about on eggshells in case we brought one of the great sulks on. Basically he is a bully.

think its a man thing they all seem to do it, reinforces my feeling that most men are just big kids having paddies and sulks

Atqui

grannygranby your post at 8.34 was spot on!

tell you what lmm6 I bet you he might change his behaviour if he really thought you were seriously thinking of leaving. . Really find out as Gran2028 says and take it from there. Of course money is important but dont let it scare you so you cant act. and CarlyD7 living alone shouldn't be seen as a failure of vivaciousness and sociability.... perhaps it is a sign of courage though.

Gather together all your indivudual/joint financial information you can and visit CAB and then a lawyer to establish FACTS... then whatever you decide will not be based on fear of the unknown.... you are much stronger than you think...

I know money shouldn't be an issue. But how on earth, in one's 70s, if we were to part - can we sort out finances. Selling the house would be the first issue. If I were on my own I'd be quite badly off as I only have a state pension. I would have to constantly watch the pennies and probably couldn't afford a car. It definitely has to be a consideration even though I'm sure many people will say it shouldn't be.

Silence / sulking = control. There's nothing so powerful as silence - so look at ways of not rewarding him for it. My Dad sulked all my life and he made the household miserable. My Mum did try talking to him about it but I suspect it was his way of being "left alone" (TBH my Mum was a very powerful person, and didn't respect another person's boundaries so maybe this was the only way he knew). But he got worse (his record was 2 months) and she used to say to me that she should have left him years ago but was too scared to risk life on her own (she was a very vivacious and sociable person, so I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have been on her own for very long). I wonder if he needed lessons in being assertive (in the nicest possible way) and she was aways determined to get her own way (and once hit him over the head with a frying pan !!!) NOT that I'm saying that this is your husband - just wondering what happens when the 2 of you have a disagreement? Be honest about the criticism - does he do this to you and how do you feel about it? Do you make sure to balance criticism with praise? Have you thought about marriage counselling - the counsellor might be able to tease out what is going on and to help you both to communicate better? BUT I suspect it won't get better on its own (sorry) but may even get worse. Hope you sort this out.

I have sent a PM Imm6.

DeeDum did you mean it when the worst your husband does is 'turn nto a moaning old woman'? Misogyny is rife enough in men without women adding to it. Sometimes these things are said without realising it (like 'more than one way to skin a cat' when would I want to skin a cat?) But we ought to be on our guard in this female zone and be pro-female! And as for all the men and non-grans crashing in and criticizing - get your own space.
and as for the topic I a saddened by the universal fear of living alone and what grans will put up with for fear of it. It gets bad press. It gets coupled with loneliness. It doesn't get coupled with joy and independence and utter freedom to do what you like when you like with no sense of anyone judging you.. It is brill sometimes, other times it could be better. But we are grown-ups.

My OH was just like his Dad, who was arch sulker in their family, and my MIL was a cowardly soul who would paneder to this abominable behaviour, and their sons learnt it, and when I'd ask OH what the matter was, I'd get the reply, "If you don't know, then I'm not going to be the one to tell you!". When I first heard this, I couldn't believe it, it really floored me. I just calmly replied, "Well I know I'm bloody brilliant, but my psychic abilities aren't quite that honed yet!". I just left him to stew in his own bloody juices and didn't let it beat me. After that he came to me to talk, and told me what was on his mind, We now have a loving, open partnership of nearly 30 years. It has to be give and take, or the love will die. Good luck, OP.

Oh dear I just think sulkers are pathetic.but would add that sulking is a form of bullying.Iwould divorce! PLEADING :-
Emotional blackmail.unreasonable behaviour ETC ETC.

I would find it hard to know if Mr P was sulking, he hardly says much for most of the time.

silvercollie. You certainly did the right thing!

whywhywhy. Lovely to meet you here - have you jumped the river across from mumsnet by any chance? I remember reading about how bravely you dealt with your awful situation. Well done you! - an inspiration to anyone needing the courage to start their life without the constant misery of abuse and having to look over their shoulder all the time!

my alopogies
fed flag = Red flag! and cortisone should be cortisol
I do know - slip of the tongue as it were.

Grandad1943. I’m certainly not perfect andI know women sulk too- my Mum was a champion sulker and could go on for days with my Dad and me, butI can only talk about my own experience with my other half!

Oh Dear! I am feeling glad I live alone! Yes - I agree this is passive aggressive behaviour - the silent treatment. Although it gets a lot of cover in the "How to cope with..." videos and is often linked to something worse. That sounds rather reminiscent too (re 'because he knows it teases') I was thinking of the end of The Tale of Jim by Hilaire Belloc "Always keep ahold of Nurse, for fear of finding something worse.

So - for me "something worse" is a person who will not talk things over. Someone who cannot discuss things in an adult give and take manner without being dismissive of those who disagree or worse, denigrating them. Plus this - being unable to accept a different opinion or it being demonstrated that they were wrong. It's too exhausting and distressing to be with such a difficult and hostile kind of person. I was treated to the silent treatment for days at a time. It is worse than just a silent sulk. It has a very bad physical effect on the person trying to create communication. It is done as a means of demeaning them. My husband, who did this -and more - to me, I was told by many Clinical Psychologists and Psychiatrists with whom I worked, was a typical Covert Narcissist. Apparently they are the nastiest as they are hard to recognise. Anyway I learned a lot about it all and other things because I too studied Psychology.

I noticed that he hates being wrong etc. Most of us do, it's quite a human thing. But as adults we've usually learned how to cope with it and laugh it off or apologise if necessary. Most of us don't push our opinions too hard out of respect for others' feelings. I wondered just how badly he does insist on being right? There are degrees of it I suppose and if he really seems to believe he is infallible he might be impossible to cope with! Then you explain that you have to adapt your behaviour and you use the phrase we hear so often from abused wives that you go round "walking on eggshells." Now you may not say you are being abused, but it is a fed flag phrase. It shows you cannot be relaxed and be yourself in your own home. That you are apprehensive and have this prickly "watch out!" sensation the whole time. This means your adrenaline is raised. You have cortisone in your blood-stream, you are in Fight or flight mode and your immune system is compromised. If it is a constant situation, it can contribute to the laying down of fat cells especially round the waist area! Living constantly in this vigilant walking on eggshells mode like this wives become unable to realise it is not normal.

The "how to cope with..." as far as I remember advise you say, when the man is not answering or is talking unnaturally, something like "I see you are not able to discuss things as an adult at the moment, so I will leave you to your infantile sulking until you are ready to speak sensibly." Or something like that which is appropriate to their situation. The lady said think of them as a three year old having a tantrum, because the sulking only befits a small child, and speak to them in exactly the same way.. hence the old fashioned Nanny voice of "I will speak to you when you can be sensible!" type of treatment!

I would be unable to stay with this man even for the good moments. I fear he is only blackmailing you with those.
The reason I am so sensitive is that I had 22 married years of a bully (and worse) who did these things and more. I used to live for the odd day when my husband would say "do you want a coffee?" he didn't say anything else. We ate in silence. I used to talk to him and he might grunt if I said I was going out now. All the time I would be fearing the next time he would go off on another bit of the heavy silent treatment where he would not answer a question at all to punish me for something or maybe just for the sake of it. some years after he died, I was bugged by another man who though different in many ways was the same in the having to be right and his silent treatment was terrible! The trouble was he would not leave me alone for a day. Obviously I did not live with him but he was like a limpet, yet he did awful things.

Yes, I am so much happier on my own!

Dear husband

What's a DH?

I tell mine to " pack it in " . I just cannot abide silliness! I can tolerate bad temper , even shouting ( not that he does that) ... at least you can shout back . Sulking, however , is harder to deal with and I don't feel that , after 40 years , I should grin and bear it .
It usually works . He does his best to stop !

As soon as you think he is coming out of his sulk - you go into one. Not that two wrongs make a right - but you could give it a go.

My DH is just the same as the OP. Over the 42 years we have been together (so far!) he has definitely improved. But yes, there are days when I think “enough!” let’s move on! Those days however, are far outnumbered by the good days, so here I am!?

M0nica is right - 'because he knows it teases' - it is, in fact, an aspect of controlling behaviour - & ignoring it is certainly a powerful response.