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Teaching little boys that No means NO

(24 Posts)
schnackie Wed 19-Jun-19 14:59:07

I am having an amazing month in New York with my DD, DSIL, DGS and DGD (hope I covered everybody grin). My little grandson is 6 and granddaughter nearly 5. They love each other and are best friends which is wonderful. However, as children do play, my grandson gets into physical play where he is tickling and kissing his sister whilst she is screaming - with laughter and delight in reality - but the other day my daughter went ballistic, grabbed my grandson and firmly told him that 'no means no', especially when a girl says it to a boy, and went on to tell him that grown men are in jail for not understanding that. I was a bit shocked at first, but then realised that there has to be some starting point for this very serious lesson in life and she is probably right. How are other people (parents and grandparents) introducing this topic? This is my annual visit and I can't believe how fast they change and grow up!!

Bridgeit Wed 19-Jun-19 15:05:32

No means no regardless of gender.

Bridgeit Wed 19-Jun-19 15:09:18

I do not think it was necessary to bring up the subject of jail.a thoughtful chat about respecting others when they do wish to play anymore is fine. She is setting him up to be paranoid.

Bridgeit Wed 19-Jun-19 15:10:01

Has she not heard of age appropriate teaching ?

BlueBelle Wed 19-Jun-19 15:13:31

Ridiculous all children should know ‘No means no’ you don’t need to start sexual training at 6 or threatening prison Way over the top

Septimia Wed 19-Jun-19 15:24:29

I wonder if there's an element of 'cultural difference' involved with your DD being influenced by the concerns of other parents that she and your GC interact with. 'No means no' in any circumstances needs to be taught to children, but the sexual aspect and jail are OTT at your GCs age.

Day6 Wed 19-Jun-19 15:31:04

I think it is very strange that young children should be aware of adult concerns. We will breed fear (and as Bridgeit mentions) paranoia into our children.

All children need to appreciate no means no, but in my world, this has always been the case. Fair parenting instils in children (boys AND girls) a knowledge of right and wrong as they grow up. It has been the case for decades.

No idea why the OP sees this as a gender issue or a new concern.

GrannyLaine Wed 19-Jun-19 15:34:38

Agree with previous comments , the message was a bit inappropriate for a child of that age but worth considering whether it touched a raw nerve from your DIL's past experiences. Sexual abuse is commoner than we think and for many women, never disclosed.

Namsnanny Wed 19-Jun-19 15:44:52

It’s appropriate to teach respect for others, but not to be so specific as your daughter was, for all the reasons mentiont above.
Without delving too deeply, I agree with grannylainne, could this reaction say more about your daughters experiences than the need to teach her son.
I do feel for the little boy!

Fennel Wed 19-Jun-19 16:10:34

As Septimia says, maybe it's cultural differences?
But also little boys should be taught to respect and protect their sisters.
Or is this too sexist?
Otherwise each should respect and protect eachother.

schnackie Wed 19-Jun-19 16:14:39

Thanks for comments. I am 99.9% sure that my daughter has not had any bad experiences, but she does live in a neighbourhood where there are several police officers living (2 of my grandsons classmates dads are police) so that may be a cultural kind of factor. And rest assured my DGS was not traumatised in any way.

FlexibleFriend Wed 19-Jun-19 16:25:30

Respect goes both ways and the simplest rule is to treat others as you yourself would like to be treated.

Elvive Wed 19-Jun-19 16:33:18

Nice user name? Are you new here please?

Totally inappropriate conversation and thread title. Please, for God's sake stop sexualising and complicating the fun times small childrendeserve

suziewoozie Wed 19-Jun-19 16:46:09

Elvive children of this age do need to understand about boundaries re their bodies. The NSPCC has lots of resources to help teach this to children. I agree with others that talking about jail was not the best way to do this but both boys and girls need to know what is acceptable and how to say/accept no or stop. Has anyone seen the PANTS materials from the NSPCC? I think I’m right that most child sexual abuse happens in families/with trusted family friends.

Elvive Wed 19-Jun-19 18:20:10

suzi, I respect your views. Thankfully sexual abuse is not " the norm" and you are quite right about boundaries.
But to say to a little boy No means no.....I'm sorry.That's wrong.
I guess children need to be heard and taken seriously but not sexualized and burdened.

FarNorth Wed 19-Jun-19 18:27:58

I don't see where the Mum said anything about sex.
Possibly she recognised a change in the tone of her Dd's laughing & squealing and realised that the child really did want it to stop.

schnackie Wed 19-Jun-19 18:46:34

FarNorth I think that is exactly what happened. Elvive I have been here for over 6 years. I just don't post very often.

suziewoozie Wed 19-Jun-19 18:49:57

I think with any physical activity between children they should understand about stopping when it’s not welcome - if only because it might just be hurting.

Farmor15 Wed 19-Jun-19 18:59:33

That’s what I would understand suzie . It’s important for both children ( and adults) to learn and understand that tickling etc can become too much and if asked to stop, they do. Nothing sexual.

notanan2 Wed 19-Jun-19 19:07:46

We always said "it's not fun unless its fun for everyone involved"

That is the basis on consent without making it sexual

Elvive Wed 19-Jun-19 19:12:02

apologies OP. and great post notonan.

Razzy Wed 19-Jun-19 19:25:44

My DD learnt about boundaries in school - they teach them in Primary School about underwear being out of bounds for anyone else! And so on. I think it is an important lesson for your DGS but could have perhaps been handled a little more tactfully.

Iam64 Wed 19-Jun-19 20:04:33

Maybe your daughter was making the point that boys need to listen to girls because her little girl is a year younger and therefore smaller and not as strong as her brother.
I don't suppose she was 'sexualising' this telling off of her boy, more stressing the need not to use physical strength and age to dominate.
Also - there is a life lesson there. Boys/Men should listen when girls say enough already. The same applies to two boys and would have applied equally if her younger child had been a brother. Bigger, older, stronger children shouldn't overwhelm their young friends or siblings.

Callistemon Wed 19-Jun-19 20:09:32

Teaching that no means no is the right thing to do, but introducing a rather sexual element into the chastisement - and the threat of jail - is beyond a six year old's comprehension.
A six year old may worry - it's rather like saying "if you don't behave the policeman will come and get you".