Gransnet forums


Long term relationships

(10 Posts)
Jane10 Sat 06-Jul-19 13:54:39

I'm currently reading Gogglesbox's Giles and Mary's diary. They are an apparently unlikely couple but have been married for 30+ years. Mary puts forward an interesting theory: people living in the 70s had to just watch whatever was on TV. No alternative channels. They put up with the boring or irritating bits because better things would come on. Nowadays we can flit between channels and networks, pause, fast forward, eject. So many choices. Is it, therefore, that modern viewers are too impatient to stick with the boring or irritating bits in marriage and seek an instant improvement of their own choice?
Slightly far fetched but I could see what she meant.
The diary they wrote is very entertaining. There's more to Giles than there might seem!

paddyann Sat 06-Jul-19 14:25:58

I've often thought some folk live their lives by what they see on TV and in films.First sign of any problem and its over ,I have young friends who were together since school and they are splitting now when their child is 5 ...apparently its not been "the same" since the baby was born!! Someone should have warned them that weekends away and parties until dawn were on the line BEFORE they decided on a baby .Sadly these "young" freinds are not teenagers they're mid 30's and their priority appears to be their social life not their family.They WILL stay friends though and still have nights out together because THATS still fun and they really get on well.....??

stella1949 Sat 06-Jul-19 14:27:03

I was married in the 70's like many here. Yes, we were expected to put up with the bad bits ."You've made your bed, you should lie in it" was common advice by parents to their daughters and sons.

When I look back I can honestly say that I should have left my 1st husband in the first year - his behaviours were appalling and I felt trapped. I used to plot to leave and go "back home" but my parents would have simply told me to go back to my husband . With no alternatives, I stuck it out for another two decades before I was able to leave and make a new life.

I don't blame the young ones for having no patience for the "irritating bits in marriage" . I doubt that they leave for no good reason , but they are rightly unwilling to put up with the awful behaviours which we, their mothers, tolerated because of social pressure and parental disapproval. Good for them.

Jane10 Sat 06-Jul-19 14:33:49

DD has a friend with young children who is always waiting for a perfect man to come along and sweep her off her feet in a rosy cloud of romance. The children have both got different dads who she got sick of after huge weddings with attendant fuss. Not bad men just 'boring'! I don't know. Sighs.

Septimia Sat 06-Jul-19 14:51:04

There are many irritants when one first sets up home with someone else. Most of them can be worked through and resolved. Some are much more serious and separation is the only answer. My dad would have hauled me home if my husband had been violent to me, but would have sent me back if the problem was only which television programme to watch or which way round to hang the toilet roll!
Many of today's youngsters seem incapable of working out and working through the minor problems and just chuck everything away. Often they lose more than they gain.
How happy I am that I stuck it out through the irritations and now live contendedly with a DH who is also my best friend, who shares most of my history, who understands me, who shares many of my interests....
Of course we still differ over some things, but they don't matter.

Septimia Sat 06-Jul-19 14:52:20

live contentedly !!

Jane10 Sat 06-Jul-19 15:10:25

There is certainly something about having a shared history which means a lot. The origins of a daft phrase or family joke. Shared hard times and big worries as well as shared happy memories. A few hours or even days every now and then of being irritated or annoyed by a DH is a small price to pay for these.
Obviously, major things like violence or cruelty in any form is unacceptable but, happily, many relationships are not blighted by these.

EllanVannin Sat 06-Jul-19 15:31:50

Ideally, the women and men of course should only think of having a family when in their 40's then there wouldn't be so many unwanted pregnancies/children. This generation specifically. Too many enjoy the single life as well as the nightlife.

One dreadful newspaper article this week highlighted a selfish monster who murdered her child because it " got in the way ".

NanaandGrampy Sat 06-Jul-19 16:30:16

I think there is a huge gap with staying with someone who abuses you or treats you terribly and just not trying. Too often younger married people seem unable to compromise and communication seems to be a dirty word too.

It comes up often on GN where people take opposing stances, come here to 'ask for advice' but maybe should have parked their pride and sat down and had a frank conversation.

Mt gran used to say 'Pride wont keep you warm on a cold night' - she had a point.

eazybee Sat 06-Jul-19 18:30:28

There used to be a great deal of advice about how it was better to leave an unhappy marriage, make a fresh start, better for the children etc, etc. Now people are seeing that frequently the only result of divorce is the exchange of one set of problems for another.
Really, it boils down to choosing the right partner.