Beginning to resent my daughter

A couple I know are in a similar situation, but without the GC. Many years ago Daughter had a love affair with a man who turned out to be married. She returned to mum and dad with, allegedly, mental health problems. Since then she has been supported by them, and does little in the house. She is a fully qualified nurse AND teacher. She has had the occasional part time job, but abandons it if it becomes 'too demanding'.
She spends most of her time on her computer, and has passed just about every computer course going. She also became interested in Egyptology, and has done an Open University degree in it, funded by her parents (including numerous 'study trips' to Egypt. Her parents even supplied, and funded, her car.
Her mother died last year. Dad is in his 80s, but the status quo still remains. She does, of necessity, help more in the house, but still lives the life of Riley. I have always been sceptical of her mental health claims, but she has somehow managed to receive benefits for many years. I don't know if any of this went towards her keep, or was treated as pocket money.
I don't know what will happen when her dad dies, but I suspect that her mental problem will, of necessity, disappear. If we ever got onto the subject her mother was always worried that making a stand would result in her daughter's suicide, hinting at previous 'episodes.' They obviously had got themselves into a situation where they felt unable to stand up to their DD, and almost beggered themselves, as a result.

I had neighbours who were in this situation. The unmarried daughter and her child lived with them and the daughter did nothing to help , As the granddaughter grew she didn’t help either .. eventually when the mother was in her 80s she moved into sheltered housing and said she was sorry she hadn’t done it years before . Some people are born idle and I always think there is a sisterhood among women where you don’t watch another struggle if you can help . the trouble is if you tell her to go the child may end up neglected . it’s a difficult one but I would just give her a list of jobs on a paper to do each day and make sure she does them properly , put your foot down hard

I'm afraid you have enabled this dependency all these years. Even though you felt you had to offer her a home, she should have been doing all the caring, cooking etc. for her child. What sort of an example are you setting to him to let him see that it's okay to sponge off other people. He should have set jobs round the house too.

Set up a rota of days that she has to buy, prepare and clear away the meals for all of you (at least 3 a week) and she needs to do ALL her own cleaning and washing for her and her son. If she doesn't do it, then you and your husband can go out to eat or just prepare your own meal and leave her to it. The time to start tough love was yesterday; namby pandering around will get you nowhere!

This must be so difficult for you it is a lot to cope with,
[I know]. Your daughter is entitled to rent and council tax benefit paid if she is on benefits. sounds like she needs some help via the NHS with her depression as this can MAYBE get worse. Try to get some help for your GSon with his love for music.It would be a shame to let his interest and talent wain.Life is good if you are working on something that you love
All the very best to you

Sad to say Operalover that people who would be sympathetic if DD had cancer and so was living with parents, don't understand what it's like to have dependent offspring with mental health issues. The simple act of getting up in the morning can be emotionally draining all round.
The turning point in my family came through wanting to go back to college and think about the future. Perhaps thinking about DGS's future might prompt something similar?
Good luck x

I would find it very strange if my mid forties daughter lived with me ,even if circumstances were different. I’m also sure she would not want to be dependent on me.As long as your daughter lives with you she is still in ‘child’mentallity and can escape responsibility for the life of herself and her son.
My daughter does also suffer from depression ,and other health problems. and has two adopted children to care for.
Her DH is good, but they are both stressed out nurses and life is complicated .No way would they expect to live with me.

Obviously we have no idea how much you are financing them (and I'm not fishing) but you talk about a lifestyle drop.

But honestly your grandson will cope of things do drop a bit (and then a bit more) and long term you are doing him no favours if bank of grandparents is always open!! And what about whether your finances can manage to subsidise things - especially if you are retired? Also will her stepfather keep this up if you died? Maybe she does need to move on now in a planned way rather than things having to happen quickly as they might.

Oh how I feel for you Operalover.
Be strong, and be frank. Give her the one option. A date she has to move out with her son.
I have had 2 grandchildren living with us, brother and sister. Rules were put into place. Grandson 14, granddaughter 19. Rules went out the door as soon as my back was turned. The boyfriend stayed over many nights. No help whatsoever when boyfriend was around, but always arrive before dinner and expect to eat. I was paying for her tertiary education, she was getting benefits, never saw a cent. At times I needed to travel to other side of country and poor hubby had to deal with it. What a nightmare it became. My purse had to be locked away, computer had to be passworded,objects were disappearing ( assumed hocked) bedroom doors were closed, food was being taken into bedrooms, phones constantly attached to them, even if eating together at the table. No conversations to be had, no offer to assist preparing or cooking meals, no offer of money towards their upkeep. I would called it used, abused and spat out. Once I enforced my rules, things got worse, they would ring their mother and tell her I was being too strict and they had no privacy. Hello you are under my roof and you will abide by my rules, otherwise you may leave. I’m paying for their education, how ungrateful they were. Both left, but it took my credit card to be stolen from my purse for it to come to a head. I had gone east and hubby was left behind with these 2 ungrateful sods. It took me a few days to realise I didn’t have my card and to find over $5000 had been spent in places I would never shop, card was blocked. They both knew at this point I was onto them. Within 24 hrs, both had fled the house, and what I found left behind was disgusting. Drugs, alcohol, rotten food squashed into floors. I will never allow them in my place again, and in fact I never want to see them again. This was over 18mths ago and neither have ever apologised to us and I am sticking to my guns. We have recently had school holidays here, and the youngest 2 children came to stay with some of their cousins. Unfortunately parents had to be called to pick the children up, I had fractured my hip. OMGoodness the 13 year old is a lazy conniving mongrel, just like his older siblings. Their father came to pick up and decided to stay and assist hubby when I came home from hospital, the jobs he started haven’t been finished, he enjoyed using my card to pay for stuff he needed to complete the jobs. Father slept most of the time, he has a bad back. Whilst father was around 13 yr old thought he could get away with everything. My home, my rules. Ask for a simple job, can you sweep the patio area and when it wasn’t done to my satisfaction, like 2 handed sweep and most of the stuff was left there still, I had the door slammed in my face and stormed off crying, his roared at me, he is only 13, don’t be so hard on him, he doesn’t understand. Excuse me, he fully understands but it’s ok for him to be given a phone so he can play games etc and be an extra appendage hanging of him. I may add we are still renovating and no tv in this house but 15 acres of land and lots of rescued animals live here, lots of sunshine to play in. Yet the rest of the grandchildren played happily. The last straw came when I had taken in some sheep, the SIL wanted to kill, free meat, and he is rather dogmatic in his attitude, returns from shops, oh my back is bad, but I tied up the legs of 3 sheep ready to kill them later. Sorry not happening, no coolroom facility no help and no way were they being killed. sIL decided his 13 yr old would help him. No one is listening to me, I rescue animals to see out their lives here no for consummation, well you guessed it, they were gone the next day so fast, saying he had to get home to his wife, my daughter she needed him. I understand that, but to leave our place and go to his stepdaughters for the night which isn’t on the way home from us and stay there and then to plaster it all over Instagram. I know full well where those 3 children learnt their skills. I will never have them back in my house. I understand my daughters frustration with them but in the end, she stuck up for them, so she too can stay away. No apologies nothing. We got taken for suckers again. My poor hubby just looked at me and said now you will believe me about your SIL and those kids. It has taken me many years but can never forgive and hubby battles through his work and gets up early hrs to do the morning feeds before work and leaves work early to get home and do nighttime feeds and bed the rescues down. Never any problems from them, they all appreciate what they have here is a better life, pity some humans can’t do the same thing.
You be strong operalover and get them out ASAP because you will begin to loathe every waking moment, give your daughter the date she has to be out. You will both remain friends and family, but if you let it continue that will be gone in no time

You could point out to her that if she stays in your house she will eventually be your carer when you are very old. That idea might not appeal. I agree with the others. Have her sit down with you and make a plan about how much help she needs to do around the home. Good luck.

Hello Minerva. I can relate and thank you. I also have a great bond with my Grandson and that's the only thing stopping me from asking them to go. His standard of living would drop dramatically and I can't be responsible for that. This is the only home he has ever known and he is a happy child.
I have just had chat with my daughter re chores etc which has been positive and she is vacuuming as I type.
Good luck with your situation.

I think you have to ask her to help but do it kindly, it will be a shock to her after so many years. Work out a plan of what she can do to help & how she's going to get anywhere to move. Its quite difficult to contribute in someone else's home even if that is her childhood home, we all have different ways of doing things, but encouragement should help.

Three generation homes are not uncommon, and indeed, nothing to be embarrassed about.

Make a list of all the jobs around the house that need doing. The person who does that job writes their name next to it. By the end of a couple of months, you'll have something concrete to show that someone is not pulling their weight and you can then lay down the rules.

Take turns to be invisible on alternate weekends, to make a full dinner, to cut the grass.

If you want them out, you have to be as brave as you want her to be, and tell her so.

I am in exactly the same position though my grandchild is 5 and I am otherwise alone. I pay for everything to do with the house so that she can save enough to move away from our horribly expensive area. I am so torn. I didn’t expect at my advanced age to be keeping house for a family and childminding half the week, nor to be unable to downsize until I am almost too old to do it.

But the bond I have with my grandchild is priceless and if I try to push my daughter to move along the atmosphere becomes toxic which is not good for any of us.

I once said to my ex husband who was grumbling that all of our offspring were still at home, ‘I guarantee that they will be gone by 25’ and two of them were younger than that when they left. I never imagined this scenario and don’t dare to predict when they can afford to move in case I am again out by 20 years!

My DD tends not to do anything unless asked but will then help willingly, perhaps you need to draw up a rota with explicit chores e.g. Monday vacuum living room, Tuesday clean bathroom etc. so that you both know exactly what is expected?

Daisymae. Thank you for that. I have formulated a plan and will speak to her to agree a way forward. You are so right in what you say and thank you for not using blaming language which some other comments have unhelpfully done.

Regardless of whether you were/are a health professional when you are emotionally involved things become unclear. You are creating a culture of dependancy for your daughter the same as some parents have with learning disability children in the past. Slowly start working towards an independent life for your daughter by transferring some responsibility to her e.g. the dishes, the washing, etc. It's hard when it's your own child. All the best xxx

I think perhaps you need to talk to her and agree a way forward. This has been going on too long and it will be very difficult for her to accept the responsibilities that go with being an adult. I agree that she should have responsibilities that are hers alone, she should also have a financial commitment to you so that it is not so comfortable for her being at home. She needs to get employment, she may not like it, but it is time to ease her out of her comfort zone. At the moment she is able to act like another child, as really she has never had to be burdened with the stresses that go with being independent.

My lovely, wise mum used to say ‘be a safety net for your adult children to fall into should they need it’. You are (have done) too much from the get go. Plan now, ever so gently, to let go those apron strings.

I feel rather sorry for the daughter, she doesn’t seem to have much of a life, and when her son ups and goes, what will she have left?

I can see she’s causing a lot of irritation, but i think it will be really hard to push her out of her safe zone after all these years, I’m sure she shouldn’t be so dependent on her parents at her age, but it seems that’s all she’s got, I feel sad for her

In 5 years her son will be 18, leaving school with the capacity to earn his own living and go his own way.

Why not plan to downsize when that happens, to a house with only room for two plus a small spare bedroom. Give her plenty of notice, perhaps start talking about it now: discussing this as a future option, saying how as you get older you need help instead of helping So that she has plenty of time to take on board that when that happens there will be no room for her in your new house and she will have to move out and stay out. Let her then be the responsibility of Social Services, do not try and rescue her yourself.

That is the long term gently way.

Alternatively, stay where you are, get her back living independently and if she gets into difficulties, let Social Services take the strain and make it clear to her that the escape route back home has been demolished. She has to sink or swim.

We have another thread running where a son in his late 50s is living a Walter Mitty existence convinced that he will make a computer break through and make million and meanwhile lives off his wife and parents. This is the same situation, but instead of money your daughter has a secure home with all amenities and she knows that if she does move out the moment anything happens she doesn't like, she can just escape back home. One set of parents needs to stop giving money and you need to pull in the welcome mat and say, move out (with our help) and stand on your own two feet. I think you will see that once that she realises there is no longer afamily emergency chute, and she has got to manage on her own, she will manage a lot better than you fear.

Operalover you should insist that she at least contributes to the household by doing some tasks eg she could take over the cleaning. It could also give her a sense of self-respect to do some chores and know she has done a good job.
She does need to pull her weight and it could help her too.

I didn't see anything wrong with Gabriella's post on first reading - which shows that the eye sees what the brain wants to comprehend!

sodapop
Yes...it was really out of character for me to do that. It was cherries and the juice was running down my chin and I was eager to stop it going on my phone.
Never again...I promise. ?

You have funded rented accommodation, but if she is on benefits she can claim Housing Benefit to pay some or all of her rent.
I agree with those saying you may be making it too easy for her to opt out of things.

GabriellaG54 eating and typing, that's not like you at all, I wondered what had happened when I saw the first post