7 year old grandson, recently lost mother, refuses to learn to read and write

Children are very resillient. I don't think he needs adult interference from outsiders.

If he is playing happily with his Spanish speaking friends, why should he need counselling?

Coud it justbe possible that he is behaving like a lot of six and seven year old boys - just can't be arsed to learn to read and write?

I think the extra lessons might not have been a good idea. Too much pressure. He could be simply be put off. Or even rebelling a little bit. I would just let him go into lessons with the other children in his class and let the Spanish reading and writing progress as it will.

Tell the school to take it a bit easy with him.

Wild - support (in the form of specialist counselling) is very helpful for children going through something as traumatic as this. It's not something to be worried about, nor should it only kick in if there are difficulties.

I wouldn't worry about him not wanting to learn how to read and write. Many of us in adulthood who lose people we love dearly aren't particularly interested in learning new skills 12 weeks after they've died. Multiple that by 1000 and you're probably around the point at which this little boy is in terms of wanting to read and write.

The poor little mite , all he is need of is cuddles, love, and reassurance at the moment . I know schools are different in other parts of the world but surely they know a grieving distressed child.

Callistemom: We live 8,000 miles away. We will be going in October. We were there literally after the death of his mother. When we were there I encouraged him to paint and draw and actually his pictures were pretty happy. Seeing photos of him and speaking to him 'live' on Skype and WhatsApp, he still appears to be pretty happy but obviously it's difficult to know when we aren't with him 24x7. Unfortunately they live in a Third World country where social services, although they try hard, are not the same as in the First World and where bereavement counselling an total understanding of children's emotional needs are not fully understood - in the 'Western' tradition.

Nonnie: His father is fluent in Spanish. My grandson's Spanish is good but not as good as his English! He has friends with whom he speaks Spanish. It's not as if he doesn't have the language - I think that maybe I expressed myself badly here. It's the fact that he doesn't want to learn to read and write - which would appear to be consequent to the emotional upheaval at home.

It bothers me that people seem to think this little boy needs some sort of bereavement "counselling". Grief is a perfectly natural process. If he was still having difficulties in twelve months time then maybe it would be appropriate. Until then it should be allowed to take its own course.

He lost his mother only 12 weeks ago - he just needs lots of love and support which his father is hopefully able to provide.

Why doesn't the father speak Spanish? It must be very hard for the little chap. How does he play with friends? Children pick up language very easily from friends and that would seem to be a start. Maybe just taking him to a playground or other activity and leaving him to play with the other children would do him good.

I certainly think that putting any kind of pressure on him would be harmful.

Poor little mite! And his poor father and sibling too.

Could you go out there for a few weeks to give them some support? Or, at least, perhaps send some parcels or order him some things from you on the internet? Perhaps some simply written letters from you would be good.

I wonder if encouraging him to draw might be a good idea, perhaps he could express his feelings in drawing and painting.

It's not the little boy who needs to concentrate on his reading and writing, it's the school's attitude which needs to change. Or change schools to one which is not so rigid.

Any teacher worth their salt should know about Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Basically, no learning can take place until all the OTHER needs in the hierarchy have been met. Having his mother die will have affected his feeling safe and his need for love. It will be quite a while before his equilibrium returns. Obviously as a teacher, I know school is important, but it's not the be all and end all. I'd hope his teachers would understand and show him affection. He'll be desperate for it right now.

He doesn't need "extra lessons" He needs physical cuddling , games, laughter and appreciation of what he is just right now.

What sort of teachers don't know this! It's elementary.

Romo,I am sorry for the poor little boy. No child can learn to read unless the act of reading is associated with love and affection. Reading ability begins with the cosy situation of cuddling up with mother of father or suitable substitute, a situation in which the reading is incidental to the affection and safety.

The poor little boy is carrying a horrid burden of loss and has probably regressed to earlier needs.

Well the school can go and stew!! What must they be thinking of trying to get this poor young grieving lad to work at his reading!? He will get there when he is good and ready.

His Dad needs to speak to the school and tell them that he is not worried about son's academic progress at the moment as the lad has bigger fish to fry - i.e. getting over this major loss in his young life. He needs to say that he does not want him pushed at the moment, just treated gently.

Would it be possible to go over and stay with them for a while to give your son a hand? It must be very difficult for them all at the moment.

Many, many thanks all of you who have responded so far. It is very heartening to read what you say and to take on board your responses. His dad is doing all the work simply looking after them and working and is exhausted! I agree that the school should give him more time to grieve and not push their educational agenda onto him at this moment.

Reading and writing is not the priority for him and surprised the school is not more sensitive to that. Is he having bereavement counselling?

I would second the need for bereavement counselling, for all the family. I hope that it is available in English in South America?

One book that our hospice recomments for young children is www.amazon.co.uk/Water-Bugs-Dragonfiles-Explaining-Children/dp/0829816240?tag=gransnetforum-21, perhaps you could send it out to him and the family read it together?

Poor little lad. Maybe he feels that he is letting his mother down if he speaks and writes or reads in Spanish or that if he does so, it will mean that he has forgotten her?
Is there any way that you can explain to him that his mum would want him to do his best at school whatever the language he works in. Maybe there is somewhere he can go that is English speaking so he can still feel that connection that he is missing so much.

I agree with everyone else. It's been 3 months - getting a traumatised 7 year old writing in Spanish should be the very least of everyone's worries at the moment. Focus on supporting him emotionally instead - he probably feels like learning Spanish is life just forcing him to take another step away from his mum. What a heartbreaking situation for everyone. Counselling, support and time is what he needs, not a Spanish education - that will come in due course.

Our daughters were 5 and 7 when their father died, the little
boy’s world has collapsed .

It will take much longer than three months for him to adjust to a world which must now be so frightening for him.

Three months is absolutely nothing in terms of time.

Its positively cruel to be trying to make him do anything other than just 'be', and I'm amazed that those closest in his life can't understand that.
Poor little soul.

It is only three months ! He needs time to grieve and needs consoling , not badgering to learn something not associated with his Mother , he will come to it when his wee brain can take it in

I’m saddened that the school staff don’t seem to understand that your grandson is grieving, he isn’t acting out, it’s a behavioural reaction to grief. Is there any grief counselling available for children in South America? You don’t say where the family are located but perhaps you could do some internet research for them? My apologies, I’m uncertain of the relationships. Is it your daughter in law who has died? Is other family local to them and supportive? A very sad time for them all. I’m so sorry for you all. .

Am I right in thinking that his education is conducted in Spanish, but that he speaks English at home with his father?

If I was his father I wouldn't care a button whether he was learning anything at the moment. I would care that he is clearly unhappy and needs time and space and lots of attention from dad. Pressuring him so soon after losing his mother is just adding another layer of anxiety.

Take him out of school if need be and let him just be a little boy for a while.