Making New Friends

I think you may have homed in on one problem cyclingsenior in that you may come across as needy s far as friends are concerned. You need to be comfortable with yourself first. If you have a hobby you enjoy or would like to try then that is a good way of meeting like minded people. Helping others as a volunteer in whatever sphere you are interested in is also good for meeting others. Relax and enjoy your life, you will find that will attract others.

Sodapop

It's a possibility ; what's that saying 'see ourselves as others see us'. I definitely don't wear my heart on my sleeve type of person. I guess I'm a little old fashioned in that i hope I'm not a closed book but I do value my privacy and I don't do Facebook and the likes but perhaps I should. I talk about my family at work but not incessantly but I never feel need to slate my husband in front of work colleagues even if for what ever reason we've had a marital tiff.
I guess it bothers me a fair amount or I wouldn't be on here talking about it.
?I know!

Cycling, I didn't mean metaphorical knocking on door, I mean literally , the door and the phone went a lot. Now nothing. Nothing.

You sound fine to me CyclingSenior and I’m pretty much the opposite- very much a heart on the sleeve/openbook/take em as I find em kind of person but sensible enough to know that we’re all different and still likeable!

I generally don’t rubbish DH (or anyone else for that matter) as we all have faults and I wouldn’t like to be held to a spotlight myself!

It's very strange. I have always had lovely people around me at work and have various groups of friends I still see, go on holiday with,, have lunch with, go to the theatre or cinema with, chat on WhatsApp with, etc.

However, I am beginning to shun other social occasions, not feeling the need for people or company. It is lovely when we do meet up - each group of friends relies on the one organised one to do the contacting/booking etc. (I feel guilty that I tend to make no effort to initiate things, but am always included. However, in all my friendship groups we all recognise there is a 'social secretary' who gets us together regularly.)

I should join more activity groups and get to know more people now we have moved, like U3A, but I seem content not to have lots of plans every week or have to go to gatherings which lots of small talk where I don't know people very well. I really don't enjoy them, find them a bit of a strain and find myself longing to go home.

One of my dearest friends told me not so long ago that she is exactly the same. I am glad I am not alone in that.

Sorry, I did mean to add CyclingSenior, that if you feel people do 'keep you at bay' because you are straight-talking or overly assertive, then do branch out and try to form NEW friendship groups maybe? Go to things where people don't know you, like U3A groups. Try a few.

They'll take you as they find you, so keep trying, as I bet you'll find your niche and people that you enjoy being with, who enjoy your company. Friendships can come from things like that.

You may be being hard on yourself. You recognise your strengths - and your feelings of vulnerability - being shunned. Just go with the flow, keep quiet sometimes and become a listener. Try not to have a comment for everything and smile, and nod even if you might want to be critical or forthright. (I wouldn't recommend that more timid approach normally, but you don't want people to back off without getting to know you.) I like people like you who are open and assertive, as long as they aren't cruel or always critical.

We have to be true to ourselves. I hope you are able to do something positive about your feelings of rejection

I’ve been thinking about friendship, how it starts, and how certain people are drawn to each other. Most of my best friends over the years I’ve met through my children, some have been fair weather friends, and despite vowing to always keep in touch, we haven’t.
I’ve got a couple of friends from college, one I’ve always considered my absolute best friend, but over the last couple of years she seems to have gone off me, a few couples from our teenage years, a couple of neighbors, people who I’ve worked with.

What I’m trying to say is, you can’t force it, you can’t join something hoping to make a friend, it has to evolve naturally, which is why, at our ages, I think it’s hard to find soul mates, the best we can hope for, unless we’re very lucky is companionship

By the way, I’d love to hear that I’m wrong, and that good friendships have been found in later years

Lessismore
I can't echo your experience that the door and phone never stopped but I'd yes like you I can honestly say there's a marked difference.

Cani ask what if anything you've done or perhaps you're comfortable as is?

Pantglas1

Thank you..
Without wishing to sound like I'm blowing my own trumpet I don't honestly think I am memorable in a crowd for all the wrong reasons.

Day6

Yes I've wondered about getting away from the whole work colleague social set where its probably fair over the past few decades I've been assertive as I've mentioned earlier in the thread.
I think what I should say is I'm not the person banging on about political views or on a soap box. I have in the past howevervbeen the person who goes to HR to raise meal break pay and had it recognised so increase change in pay not just for me but for all..
I am the person who does the hours I'm paid for but made it clear there is no way on a regular basis am I working over my time and I we can't do the work then management should look at resolving it.

I definitely don't shout from the roof top and my previous manager commented on countless occasions how I am a calming influence on a team.

Cycling....you name and hobby sounds like it may have potential?

What I've done is massively challenged myself and tried to work alongside people to be a tiny bit helpful.

Sarah, I agree in totality it needs to be a natural progression which I do think is a bigger challenge in later years.
I can't honestly say I have any wish of a soul mate friends I think there was a time for that in my younger days.
I just want to enjoy knowing if I fancy a walk or a cycle with company I have a few friends who may want to join me. When the Freddy Mercury film came out my husband didn't fancy it and I didn't want to be 'Johnny no mates' in the back row so I persuaded him to come.

Cycling, have you looked at the Let’s Ride website particularly the Breeze Rides, which are ladies only? Lots of lovely people of all ages who have cycling in common but also enjoy the social side.
Relax, have fun and friendship will come.

When I moved south twelve years ago I left behind a lovely group of friends. But I was so busy with grandchildren I didn’t mind. Now they are all at school and I found I didn’t have the energy or drive to seek out new friends.

Horrible though it is to admit, I found those who pushed to be friends were all very needy people and I simply don’t have the patience or will to sit listening to their woes and worries, many of which are self inflicted. So I gave up and just got on with life being self sufficient.

But gradually I did start to build up new friends. At first these were just people who got in touch for a rare coffee and natter, or a neighbour who slowly became interesting and interested, or someone I bumped into picking GC up from school, etc.

Reading this thread I realise that I now have enough friends ....because friendships need servicing. I have enough to enjoy even those I only see rarely. In fact catching up is a pleasure too.

So as Abuelamia says ‘relax, have fun and friendship will come’

Anja, you're absolutely right and I'm fortunate to be objective enough to know that's exactly the case.
Like you I'd rather no friendships than ones that are persistently emotionally draining.

Oh dear ? gillybob I thought you had at least one friend. Me ?
Now I feel very put out.
Have I been too bullish?
I'm nice really.
Oh well...??

Try joining a Book Group perhaps. It will take time but you will become friendly with the other members.

Using meetup.com might be another idea. Not foolproof but you may find a friend.

I'll read this thread properly tomorrow. Too tired.
I just wanted to say Gillybob, from reading some of your posts I have a feeling you would make a wonderful friend.

The friend I made only 9 years ago was at work when I started a new job, I am now almost 66 and retired, she is 7 years younger and still works. We connected straight away, and have had such good times together. She moved 100 miles away almost 2 years ago, but we still keep in touch and I have stayed over at hers and she has at mine. We last saw each other in May, but keep in touch via WhatsApp and phone calls. I do miss our regular meet ups though.

I do have a friend who lives nearby, who I have known since the age of 18, but there isn't that closeness there any longer. So the only other friend I have is my DP. I do go to U3A and Walking for Health walks, and I chat to lots of people, but no real friends, but a few acquaintances.

I have to agree with other posters that you would make a lovely friend gillybob as you seem such a kind and caring person.

I count everyone on Gransnet as a friend, I really do and don’t know where I would be without you all keeping me company all day .....even you GabriellaG

I suppose what I should’ve said is that I don’t have any “real life” friends.

Morning, I'm so grateful for all your thoughts and suggestions. I do need to push myself to join clubs and reading through the posts brings that home. Im very lucky to have a lovely family.
I know the changes needed are of my own making but to be able to bare my honest feelings about this is probably what I should have done some time ago.

Gillybob - I hope the thread has been helpful for you too. We need to keep reminding ourselves about our strengths. I should perhaps challenge myself to feedback to the thread after three months with any groups I've joined. Can I ask if you've got any plans?

I think the contents of this thread actually illustrate very clearly that this much-vaunted ideal of having a bosom buddy or a circle of close friends is simply not the norm. It would seem that most of us have friends whom we meet through the things we do; and I see no problem with that.

It is about expectations - if you expect too much you will always be disappointed.

I think it gets harder, I also think this thread shows, that there are lots of lovely friendly people out there, I guess sometimes we need to be a bit bolder and make the first move

I'm off out on our (husband too) cycle ? with the good vibes that I'm probably much more normal than I thought so thats got to be a good thing. ?