Making New Friends

I'll read this thread properly tomorrow. Too tired.
I just wanted to say Gillybob, from reading some of your posts I have a feeling you would make a wonderful friend.

Try joining a Book Group perhaps. It will take time but you will become friendly with the other members.

Using meetup.com might be another idea. Not foolproof but you may find a friend.

Oh dear ? gillybob I thought you had at least one friend. Me ?
Now I feel very put out.
Have I been too bullish?
I'm nice really.
Oh well...??

Anja, you're absolutely right and I'm fortunate to be objective enough to know that's exactly the case.
Like you I'd rather no friendships than ones that are persistently emotionally draining.

When I moved south twelve years ago I left behind a lovely group of friends. But I was so busy with grandchildren I didn’t mind. Now they are all at school and I found I didn’t have the energy or drive to seek out new friends.

Horrible though it is to admit, I found those who pushed to be friends were all very needy people and I simply don’t have the patience or will to sit listening to their woes and worries, many of which are self inflicted. So I gave up and just got on with life being self sufficient.

But gradually I did start to build up new friends. At first these were just people who got in touch for a rare coffee and natter, or a neighbour who slowly became interesting and interested, or someone I bumped into picking GC up from school, etc.

Reading this thread I realise that I now have enough friends ....because friendships need servicing. I have enough to enjoy even those I only see rarely. In fact catching up is a pleasure too.

So as Abuelamia says ‘relax, have fun and friendship will come’

Cycling, have you looked at the Let’s Ride website particularly the Breeze Rides, which are ladies only? Lots of lovely people of all ages who have cycling in common but also enjoy the social side.
Relax, have fun and friendship will come.

Sarah, I agree in totality it needs to be a natural progression which I do think is a bigger challenge in later years.
I can't honestly say I have any wish of a soul mate friends I think there was a time for that in my younger days.
I just want to enjoy knowing if I fancy a walk or a cycle with company I have a few friends who may want to join me. When the Freddy Mercury film came out my husband didn't fancy it and I didn't want to be 'Johnny no mates' in the back row so I persuaded him to come.

Cycling....you name and hobby sounds like it may have potential?

What I've done is massively challenged myself and tried to work alongside people to be a tiny bit helpful.

Day6

Yes I've wondered about getting away from the whole work colleague social set where its probably fair over the past few decades I've been assertive as I've mentioned earlier in the thread.
I think what I should say is I'm not the person banging on about political views or on a soap box. I have in the past howevervbeen the person who goes to HR to raise meal break pay and had it recognised so increase change in pay not just for me but for all..
I am the person who does the hours I'm paid for but made it clear there is no way on a regular basis am I working over my time and I we can't do the work then management should look at resolving it.

I definitely don't shout from the roof top and my previous manager commented on countless occasions how I am a calming influence on a team.

Pantglas1

Thank you..
Without wishing to sound like I'm blowing my own trumpet I don't honestly think I am memorable in a crowd for all the wrong reasons.

Lessismore
I can't echo your experience that the door and phone never stopped but I'd yes like you I can honestly say there's a marked difference.

Cani ask what if anything you've done or perhaps you're comfortable as is?

By the way, I’d love to hear that I’m wrong, and that good friendships have been found in later years

I’ve been thinking about friendship, how it starts, and how certain people are drawn to each other. Most of my best friends over the years I’ve met through my children, some have been fair weather friends, and despite vowing to always keep in touch, we haven’t.
I’ve got a couple of friends from college, one I’ve always considered my absolute best friend, but over the last couple of years she seems to have gone off me, a few couples from our teenage years, a couple of neighbors, people who I’ve worked with.

What I’m trying to say is, you can’t force it, you can’t join something hoping to make a friend, it has to evolve naturally, which is why, at our ages, I think it’s hard to find soul mates, the best we can hope for, unless we’re very lucky is companionship

Sorry, I did mean to add CyclingSenior, that if you feel people do 'keep you at bay' because you are straight-talking or overly assertive, then do branch out and try to form NEW friendship groups maybe? Go to things where people don't know you, like U3A groups. Try a few.

They'll take you as they find you, so keep trying, as I bet you'll find your niche and people that you enjoy being with, who enjoy your company. Friendships can come from things like that.

You may be being hard on yourself. You recognise your strengths - and your feelings of vulnerability - being shunned. Just go with the flow, keep quiet sometimes and become a listener. Try not to have a comment for everything and smile, and nod even if you might want to be critical or forthright. (I wouldn't recommend that more timid approach normally, but you don't want people to back off without getting to know you.) I like people like you who are open and assertive, as long as they aren't cruel or always critical.

We have to be true to ourselves. I hope you are able to do something positive about your feelings of rejection

It's very strange. I have always had lovely people around me at work and have various groups of friends I still see, go on holiday with,, have lunch with, go to the theatre or cinema with, chat on WhatsApp with, etc.

However, I am beginning to shun other social occasions, not feeling the need for people or company. It is lovely when we do meet up - each group of friends relies on the one organised one to do the contacting/booking etc. (I feel guilty that I tend to make no effort to initiate things, but am always included. However, in all my friendship groups we all recognise there is a 'social secretary' who gets us together regularly.)

I should join more activity groups and get to know more people now we have moved, like U3A, but I seem content not to have lots of plans every week or have to go to gatherings which lots of small talk where I don't know people very well. I really don't enjoy them, find them a bit of a strain and find myself longing to go home.

One of my dearest friends told me not so long ago that she is exactly the same. I am glad I am not alone in that.

You sound fine to me CyclingSenior and I’m pretty much the opposite- very much a heart on the sleeve/openbook/take em as I find em kind of person but sensible enough to know that we’re all different and still likeable!

I generally don’t rubbish DH (or anyone else for that matter) as we all have faults and I wouldn’t like to be held to a spotlight myself!

Cycling, I didn't mean metaphorical knocking on door, I mean literally , the door and the phone went a lot. Now nothing. Nothing.

Sodapop

It's a possibility ; what's that saying 'see ourselves as others see us'. I definitely don't wear my heart on my sleeve type of person. I guess I'm a little old fashioned in that i hope I'm not a closed book but I do value my privacy and I don't do Facebook and the likes but perhaps I should. I talk about my family at work but not incessantly but I never feel need to slate my husband in front of work colleagues even if for what ever reason we've had a marital tiff.
I guess it bothers me a fair amount or I wouldn't be on here talking about it.
?I know!

I think you may have homed in on one problem cyclingsenior in that you may come across as needy s far as friends are concerned. You need to be comfortable with yourself first. If you have a hobby you enjoy or would like to try then that is a good way of meeting like minded people. Helping others as a volunteer in whatever sphere you are interested in is also good for meeting others. Relax and enjoy your life, you will find that will attract others.

Keeper1

Thank you. Its such a tricky one where I live is really quite rural and more or less everyone will more than likely know someone you know or who knows of you. Its a bit OTT but I'd rather walk over hot coals than have to admit publically that I'm lacking in friendships. I think as a youngster that's fine or at the other end of the spectrum when friends have sadly passed but I'm mid 50s so I feel what on earth is it about me now that makes me unattractive as a friend.
I'm financially secure and always pay my way and more. I think I'm friendly. The one thing I've always wondered is it in part my accent. I'm from a working class background who married up one I guess and have worked hard to end up with a professional qualification and long standing career. I do however sound very 'local' so not remotely well spoken.
I honestly don't know but I am very aware that a 'needy' approach is very very off putting for any potential friendship. I'd say this has really hit home more since children have grown up. In truth I'd rather no friendships than one based on sympathy or indeed one where the I need to persuade contact.
Hope that makes sense

I'm 60, and apart from my husband and family, I spend much of my time alone (I work - in fact, I started a new job today!), and I've got 1 real friend, and I see her at least once of week, usually at a cafe (we don't go to each other's houses), and I see a couple of ex-partners of my 2 sons (one is 2 years older than me [grin[), for drinks/exercise classes etc.

I was never very interested in being with women - they all bitch about each other and criticise what the others are wearing, etc. I used to work in offices where the staff were all women, and they all used to gossip and whine.

I'd rather have men around (I've got 2 sons) to talk to. My new job involves being alone, (Warden of a sheltered housing estate), with the opportunity for social interaction with the residents - on a "hands-off" kind of way. That suits me at the moment.

Gillybob

"I’m a miserable cow so I can’t imagine there being a queue of people even wanting to be my friend . grin"

Not sure if intentional but you made me laugh so I suspect your dry sense of humour would definitely appeal to others too.

CyclingSenior and Gillybob where are you based are there any others from the forum near you to arrange a meet up with. You both sound like lovely people and I am sure if you started some new activities you would soon start getting know other people and making friends. You won’t click with everyone but there are a lot of people out there in a similar situation.

Nellie, never heard of Red Hatters but I'll be googling. Thank you

Lessismore....I think there is definitely truth in 'its not going to come knocking on my door'. I'm not shy and I do a variety of sports but I guess I see people my age within long established groups with decades of history.
Im just back in from a cycle ? but have to say even chatting openly to you all you guys has helped.
I do actually quite often have fleeting conversations with others in cafes/ or out walking but of course within the limits of what's appropriate but no never do I think it would feel okay to pursue these situations for them or indeed me.