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Humour 2

(19 Posts)
Rufus2 Sun 08-Sep-19 13:42:27

Good Evening; We've had a foul weekend, weatherwise and in searching for light relief, i.e. humour I remembered that next month will be the 6th anniversary, I think, of GreatNans sad death.
What better way to remember her than through her legacy of jokes. I've posted 3 again which appealed to me and copied the preface from an earlier self-evident thread. Further reviews will help to beat our weather blues. Enjoy! grin

"Have just stumbled (again) on this thread, "This made me laugh" (2016). 1001 posts over 40 pages.
"Greatnan" was so prolific and certainly makes me laugh. grin
Sadly, reading between the lines , she doesn't appear to be around! sad

"I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents.
We had a lovely evening and, after she'd gone, my Dad leaned over and said, "Son, I
think this one's a keeper."
"Awww Dad, what makes you say that?"
"She smells of elephant poo."

A girl was driving down the motorway with her blonde boyfriend and he piped up
'I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales'.
'Why's that ?' she said.
Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says
"stit ruoy su wohs"

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great . . . that's just great . . . Some arsehole's got my pen

Rufus2 Mon 09-Sep-19 12:14:48

This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.
All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.
Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.
"Oh no!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"
"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all."

Rufus2 Mon 09-Sep-19 12:24:14

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

Rufus2 Mon 09-Sep-19 12:44:18

All Out of Anaesthetic
A dentist ran out of anaesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled.
He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.
It all happened in an instant.
The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth.
Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"
The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!"

Grannyknot Mon 09-Sep-19 13:32:13

The 'spaghetti' one is funny, Rufus.

Here's one:

A woman in labour shouted:
Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Can't
The doctor replied: Don't worry those are just contractions.

And another one:

Sign in a music shop window:
Gone Chopin. Bach in a Minuet.

Rufus2 Tue 10-Sep-19 11:09:20

A woman in labour shouted:
Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Can't
The doctor replied: Don't worry those are just contractions
Grannyknot; Many thanks for that, even if I haven't worked it out yet! grin
But frankly I'm surprised at the lack of support for a thread devoted to GreatNan with the anniversary of her death approaching./ She had many devotees, some of whom have probably shuffled off, but some must still be about with humorous recollections to share. I appreciate Brexit and your weather can be a drag, but good reasons to indulge some pleasant nostalgia. smile
Anyway, I'm enjoying this resume of her legacy; watch this space! OoRoo

JackyB Tue 10-Sep-19 14:23:26

The one about the woman in labour had me doubled up. I'm going to forward it to my DS and DiL.

I suppose I should post one if I'm on this thread.

Two flies are next to each other on the wall. One of them looks down at the other and says "Your man's undone! "

Chewbacca Tue 10-Sep-19 14:41:11

A man, who had no knees, went to seek the advice of his doctor. The doctor said that he didn't have any human knees available but he could surgically attach the knees of an ape if that would be acceptable. The man considered this for a moment and then decided that ape knees would be better than no knees at all.

"How much would the operation cost?", asked the patient. The doctor replied that it would cost one penny.

"One penny? Is that all? Why so cheap?, asked the patient.

Doctor: "Because 2 ape knees are one penny".

Rufus2 Tue 10-Sep-19 14:59:52

"Because 2 ape knees are one penny"
Groan!! That's got me doubled up in pain! shock grin

Rufus2 Tue 10-Sep-19 15:08:13

Husband sitting in armchair shouts to wife "when I die I am going to leave everything to you love" wife shouts back "you already do you lazy bastard"

Rufus2 Tue 10-Sep-19 15:16:02

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively
"I would like it infrequently" she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment ...
adjusted his glasses, and leaned over towards her and whispered
'Excuse me, but is that one word or two?'

Rufus2 Tue 10-Sep-19 15:19:24

A young blonde marries an 85 year old pensioner. Now every night she feels old age creeping on.

crazyH Tue 10-Sep-19 15:23:24

Didn't have the pleasure of knowing Greatnan, but from what I've read, she sounds terrific.

crazyH Tue 10-Sep-19 15:23:44

In a nice way 😘

blossom14 Tue 10-Sep-19 17:03:49

Milkman knocks on the door to collect payment for deliveries "I haven't any money but would pay you in bed upstairs, if you like" says the lady of the house. The Milkman agrees and they go upstairs and she takes of all her clothes and lies on the bed. The Milkman says "Cor you are really dirty all over ". "I know" says the lady, " I've just paid the Coalman"

Rufus2 Wed 11-Sep-19 10:50:24

Church Bells
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

Rufus2 Wed 11-Sep-19 11:07:04

Relationship With God
70 year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results.
Dr. Smith said, "George everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with your self and have a good relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, poof!...the light goes on & I go to the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off!"
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, 'That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. 'Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off?'"
Thelma replies; Darn fool; he's been peeing in the fridge again.

phoenix Wed 11-Sep-19 14:39:26

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were discussing their children. (Please imagine the accents!)

The Englishman said " My George is so talented, I expect that he will become Prime Minister and captain England at cricket! We called him George because he was born on St Georges day"

The Scotsman said "Well, my Andrew is destined for great things, he will no doubt win the Golf Open and is set to win the Highland Games. We called him Andrew because he was born on St Andrews day. "

The Irishman could contain himself no longer, and jumped up and said "Just wait 'til I tell you about my boy Pancake!"

Rufus2 Thu 12-Sep-19 13:21:41

Just wait 'til I tell you about my boy Pancake!

??? hmm