I am just wrecked

Deedaa

Ah, I feel for you. I am disabled and rely on hubby and carers for so much. One day I may become a guest of a care home.
But what I wonder if why you are feeling so low, is because you are grieving for the marriage.....I feel I have lost mine too...it isn't as I had hoped retirement would be.

We had such plans for what we`d do together.

Now everything seems to revolve round my disability. Hubby has aged recently and is struggling. I suggest days out for us together and he isn't interested. Just wants carers to take me out or away, so he can rest.

I`m glad to see your GP has checked your health. You need to go through a journey. Best wishes

My story is different but the result was the same.

One year after marriage my husband was diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. Life had been difficult. I was miserable. I wanted to leave but how could a leave a man who was so ill? My son was weeks old.

During the following years my husband could not keep a job. He also had no interest or ability to be a responsible and caring husband or father. After 22 years of misery I was practically broken. I had raised my son single handedly while looking after my h who spent around 23 hours per day in bed. I recall once paintings bedroom ceiling while he was in bed 'sleeping'.

Enough. I said I wanted to seoarate. He went and stayed with his father. I prepared the house for sales alone. My son started his first year in uni. I moved house...... Buying a small house with the result from the sale. Everyone was settled. I went from part time work to full time with the same company.

Three months later I was sat in the doctor's office crying my eyes out.

Dr said I had been strong for so long being a carer, then getting a home sorted for myself and son.. Now I could relax....... And also grieve for what should have been. Which meant my body and mind called for the attention it had not got over the years. It needed a break.

And so I started a low dose of antidepressants and allowed myself to be sad. Gradually I stopped feeling guilty at leaving my h. life got better gradually.

I hadn't known how to take care of myself. For the first time in 22 years i had peace but didn't know how to deal with it.

Gradually I got better and life became good again.

Please do what everyone has advised. Allow yourself time. You did not make your choices lightly.
You eventually will be ok.

Of course you are. This is normal. You have kept going, being strong and reliable and doing what needs to be done. You can't do that without sidelining some things. Now it is largely out of your hands. he is somewhere safe, looked after and you have gone CRASH! Of course. You need time to rest, refuel, come to terms, all of that. Just do whatever your body and mind wants and needs from you. Let it all heal and recuperate and you will be ok.

Lucky girl you remind me of clients I had in the past. They worked very hard with lots of responsibilities and when they got an annual holiday as sure as God made green apples they got sick! They spent two weeks with flu, stomach, infections then went back to work! I was life coaching so I figured we had to take de- stress and detox much more seriously ! So they could actually have a holiday! Not a detox! It might not be so easy to switch from looking after someone else to looking after yourself - many of us go oh what’s the point when it’s us we’re looking after !!! It takes time to figure what your needs are ! Rest, sleep , healthy food and cooking , seaside ( I’m serious) friends , a dog, a horse, travel or weekend away, DVDs , flowers, music, plants, spa, heat , holiday , knitting , writing, sorting photo albums, grieving the past, remembering the past journaling , reading books, countryside nature trees and wind, snow , my list as you can see is endless !!! I look after others for a job so I had no choice but to look after myself !!! Even though I have a husband I like to look after myself as he does too. You might feel rubbish for a bit but it will pass. Inshalla. Big hug for being so kind and doing your best for your hubby and seeing him to a safe comfortable place. Time to be as kind and do your best for you! Hope you get the money to ease the transition. X

When my mother died the priest said "the mind copes but the body takes the strain". He told me to rest, take time off work and relax. We keep going on and on and it's when we stop that we get ill. Remind yourself that you did your best for him and enjoy visiting him. Hope the financial side of things get sorted.

You are going through a grief process, so be kind to yourself. Join the Carers UK forum too, lots of people understand what you are going through.
Have SSD done a formal financial assessment?
You should not pay ANYTHING until they have!
I have had many fights with SSD, and reclaimed £8,000 unlawfully charged!!

It is natural that now you will grieve.
Give yourself time and also when you can be kind to yourself.

You have been through trauma and you made sure that your DH is ok.
You have done so much and now you need to rest and recover.

Don’t be too hard on yourself! You’re going through a grieving process for the “loss” of your husband. As whilst he is still here the life you both had at home has gone. Be kind to yourself as if you had suffered a death, and it will pass. Xxxxx

It is going to take a while for you to recover from all the stress and anxiety, not to mention the work of caring for your DH. Don't rush things, get enough rest, try to eat well and cry as much as you need to. All this will help you heal and recover. When my DH died I found it hard to use our bedroom, a year after he died I redecorated and bought new bed linen and curtains and it became 'my' bedroom instead. When you are ready you might it helpful to do the same. I also found a new interest by volunteering - this is something you might want to think about doing later too. Take comfort from the fact that your DH is happy and comfortable in his new home and he is being well cared for. Time for you to take a break and recover.

I'm so sorry you're feeling rough, Luckygirl. Others have said it all so I'll just send you these.

You have done your best, your husband is happy and being well taken care of. Give yourself time to come to terms with all that is happening. Social Services don't realise how much stress they are putting people through with the funding policies they have. The government should step in, but that's another issue. Try to get help from Age Concern perhaps - they are very good.

I think annsixty and others who have been bereaved along with those coping with long term illness will agree with me that what you are experiencing may well be a very natural reaction, a sort of PTSD .
I know that for years I simply did not “do” ill, , knowing that Paw depended totally on me. Within 6 months of his death I had a vicious bout of flu, a gastric episode which landed me in A&E (111 suspected a heart attack) , a rotator cuff injury and a torn ligament in my arm .
I am convinced this was my body saying Enough!
I also felt crap for weeks and months - not any sense of relief or restored energy.
Treat yourself as you would if you were recovering from an illness - convalesce in other words.
Your struggles are not yet over and you must take care of you

Along with so many others I have followed your sad and difficult story. I don't think it is unusual to have a bad reaction just when it seems things are getting sorted out. So much good advice so just sending all good wishes and see the Dr about the antidepressants, after a while on them they may not be working very well.

It's almost as if your body is going into rest mode after all the physical and mental stress you have had. You need to take time to allow adjustment to new regimes. Try not to think too much about assessments etc others are responsible to ensure they are carried out. Take time to enjoy your visits to DH and take comfort from knowing he has settled and enjoying the care home.

You are not alone but one of many myself included who did their best but to who comes a time when our best will not be enough and DH care, reluctantly, as you will be feeling has to be in the hands of others.What will add to the strain is, and seems clear, who is to fund the care that will fulfil his needs.This is to my mind what is weighing most heavily on you and until you can get satisfaction is why you are feeling the way you do.You have been informed of temporary funding pending further assessment this in itself
is not helping matters in the way you are feeling.it might be worth talking to H GP who will be able to guide you where funding for H care may come from.

Look, it isn't yet a month since your husband moved into the care home. You are bound to be exhausted. You have serveral years of looking after him behind you and all the hassle of finding a care-home, moving him into it and finding out who is paying for it.

Emotionally, too, this feels like the end of your marriage, it isn't, you know, but it doesn't surprise me that you cannot go into what used to be your and his bedroom without crying.

Please, get as much rest as you can and DON'T feel guilty, which I know is easier said than done. In a while I hope you will be able to find some good things about this new phase of your life. Even now, you know it is best for your husband, and when you are less tired and sad, I feel sure you will feel it is better for you too than wearing yourself out caring for him.

We can only do so much, and you have clearly done everything you can.

Have you been back to your GP to see about adjusting the antidepressant? It’s clearly not working. It’s possible that talking therapy may also help.

As others have suggested, take time for yourself and try not to be hard on yourself - easier said than done I realise.

I really do feel for you. If your GP is not empathetic then see someone else if possible until you find the right one.

Some excellent advice from other posters. I was in the same situation some years ago when all attempts to keep my seriously ill husband at home failed and he went into a nursing home. The grief for the loss of our life together was overwhelming and felt like a bereavement, or at least an amputation. The grief and the guilt I felt made me physically ill for several weeks. So yes, you must be stressed and exhausted from caring for your husband but don’t underestimate the impact of your emotions on your physical health. Be kind to yourself.

You may have already considered accessing support / counselling. If you haven't the NHS provides this service through IAPT; that is Improving Access to Psychological Services. Your GP Surgery should be able to tell you how to do this. In many parts of the country you can access this service by self referral. You may have to wait though. It seems to me you are experiencing an understandable reaction to a very stressful life situation; talking it through wont change what has happened but could lift your spirits.

Luckygirl
Oh bless you, you poor girl, you are absolutely exhausted! Your body held out as far as it could while you did all the work needed to keep your husband comfortable while he was at home and now he is comfortable in a good place which you have done so well to find for him - well, your body has just reached exhaustion point and is saying you need a good rest. The tears may be as much exhaustion as unhappiness. Please do not give in to that miserable false guilt feeling about your husband not being at home. He needs to be looked after by more than one person in a place with all the facilities specialised for his care. You have done wonderfully for him, giving him the best situation for his life so that the quality of his life is really good.

It is natural to grieve for those days when you were both younger and able bodied and he was there at home. I think the surge of grief you feel at being unable to enter his old room is this. Please be gentle with yourself and very patient. You need to allow yourself time to go through this, but always remembering it will pass, you will grow strong again and you will begin to feel good about everything to do with the way you cared for your husband. You are a wonderful, caring and loving wife and have given your husband every opportunity to be as happy as possible in a safe and stimulating environment where he feels comfortable. That is a very generous thing to do, an act of truly unselfish love. Don't let these human fearful pangs let you forget that what you have done is completely right and for the best. Had the situation been reversed, you would have wanted him to do the same for you.

If the tears go on for too long, please talk to your GP. He/she may suggest a change of medication or increase of dose or they may be able to offer Counselling. I would love to hear that you had a good Counsellor, but I do know there are waiting lists for these today.

Well done for all the wonderful loving care and self-sacrifice you have made for your husband. Now take care of yourself please. Plenty of rest. Little indulgences. No hard work. A gentle life at least for a month or two.

God bless you dear girl. I send you lots of love, Elle xx ? ? ??☕️

I think you are grieving as well for the loss of your husband as he used to be and realising that your marriage as you know it is over. It is time to make a life for yourself now once you have the energy to do that but I know it will be very hard for you to do. I am sure that very slowly you will begin to feel better especially as your husband is being well looked after and is happy where he is.

Our bodies and minds are remarkable. They often keep going under intense stress and stress. We are not machines though, so once the source of the stress has gone and we no longer ‘have to cope’, the effects hit us and it’s normal to feel ill and exhausted for a while.

Just pay attention to what your body and mind need. Rest, recuperate and you will feel better after a while.

I think it is simply that when you are coping with massive strain you just keep going, your own health and well-being never get s a thought. But when even a little of that strain is lifted your body says , I need some help here , and sort of gives itself permission to show how that strain has affected it. Really, really look after yours using some of the brilliant advice from previous GN’s. ?

Hi at Luckygirl, I really feel for you. What you seem to be experiencing is the end of an era, you have shared so many memories in your home, it feels like an empty nest.
I felt like this when I refused to take my husband home from hospital, he had primary brain tumour plus a secondary. I could not manage him at home, he was a big man, and would he go on a commode or wheelchair, bed downstairs would he heckerslike. I was exhausted. So when he had a big convulsion I decided, shall I take him home for the battle of wills and bickering, or me go home, sleep shower refreshed and happy to see him. Anyway enough of my saga and back to you. Would you consider counselling? I went, and I would recommend it to anyone. It is confidential, you chat for an hour and boy do you off load, I felt great afterwards. I had only four sessions. Your GP can refer you, MacMillans do it, although I don’t know the nature of your husband’s illness/medical history. Or you can pay private £40 to £60 per hour. Hypnotherapy is also good, in fact better, they give you coping strategies and a disc etc to listen to a lovely guided meditation. Or you may need this downtime to get comfortable with living on your own. Don’t be afraid to reach out, the help is out there. It’s good to talk. Do keep in touch. Sending hugs.xx