One way street for hospitality meal in ites

Could you ask her quite casually, "Why do we never eat at your place? It would make a pleasant change for me."

Then see what she says.

From what you say, I think your husband is probably right, but I get the feeling that you are not ready to give up on this friend yet, so ask her what the problem is.

I too feel stressed at the thought of hosting a meal for anyone outside of my immediate family. That does not mean I fail to appreciate my friends who do host, and I try always to pay for meals when we are out to show my appreciation.

As several of our GN'ers have said, please remember there are many kinds of people, and friendships should take into account if not cherish our differences.

I'm not keen on hosting. But my friends know this. Thing is we have discussed it many times.

That's the answer. One of my good friends won't leave the house due to anxiety issues so it makes perfect sense for me to go there.

Maybe you could ask her in a jovial way?

But if you enjoy her company I'd not be too worried.

I have a dear friend who always comes over here. I'm almost never invited back. I'm not keeping score, though, and I really don't mind as I have more disposable income and I value her friendship!

I agree with others suggest you meet somewhere to eat.
I always ask my friends to do this for another reason,my Husband doesnt have many friends,and when my friends come to visit, he takes over completely, and I end up not having said much to my friend, this way we do get to talk.

Friendships come in all shapes and sizes and the reciprocity thing doesn't have to be on a like for like basis. As others have said, there may be a number of reasons why you're not invited around to her house, but if you're not 'gaining' in some other way from this friend, then I think perhaps you should mention to her that it would be nice to eat out. That would be her cue for paying and if she didn't offer, then it may be time to try another tactic, like for example mentioning that you need to tighten your belts with food prices rising. If dropping hints of this kind don't get over the message that some way she must reciprocate then you only have two choices - you call time on the friendship, or you tell her directly that you are beginning to think it's a one-way street.

I had an old school friend for years who never had any money and I always paid for her everywhere we went, drove her around, had her stay for weeks contributed nothing. Lent her money 3 times not much less than 100£ each time never got a penny back. We argued and she droppped me didn't speak for 15years. She's just got back in touch and I think it's because we're moving to the seaside so she's after a free holiday. Has hinted how lovely it would be to come and stay chat about old times etc. I'm not interested anymore. Some people are users Drop this friend OP she sounds the same as mine

I used to love entertaining and using the silver and fine china. Then DH retired and on one occasion for some reasonhe wanted me to cook a filet de boeuf en croûte which I did but he refused to carve in front of people. So I carried in this heap of flaky pastry and bloody meat. It had come out of the oven looking beautiful and I carried in a real dogs dinner. Just put me off dinner parties for life though he's invited people around this week. I now stick to stews and nursery food.

Just realised I have a friend I have a similar relationship with but I'm the one doing the visiting. She will cook sometimes and invite me, sometimes we just have coffee usually at hers, sometimes we meet in a cafe somewhere. I'm not the hosting sort. But the other thing is she has a partner and I don't. If we eat at hers he will eat with us and then disappear off to do something else after chatting a bit. If I invited them to come to me what would he do? Maybe your friend is stuck with the dilemma of inviting you both and worrying about your DH being bored or just inviting you and maybe offending your DH. It's one of the complications of single women and their married friends. Just enjoy the friendship and forget the problems.

My best friend gets cabin fever if there is ever a day she doesn't go out, while I prefer being in my home and go out only about once a week for shopping. We meet up once a week and it's always in my home - just how we both like it.

we are all different!

remember that

I would hesitate, nay, have to be pressured to cook a dinner for anyone.... but I would explain, and offer other stuff

Maybe she can’t cook?
Maybe she is ashamed of her home?
Maybe she gets too anxious to host?
Maybe she has a bastard partner or husband at home?
Do you enjoy hosting her and enjoy her company when she comes? If so, I would just carry on and enjoy.

I think some of us are natural hosts and others feel more comfortable as guests.
Have you ever asked, "Why don't we go to yours? I haven't seen your house for a while," and see what she says. She may feel uncomfortable as a host or feel that her house is too small or humble etc or have a problem with hoarding, doing the housework or whatever.

wildswan I am absolutely with you on this. I used to have people come to dinner; I am no great shakes in the kitchen although I can produce a fresh, reasonably cooked few courses, but over the past few years I am getting into such a state about cooking for people that now I am just not doing it. A few years of a troublesome oven that was repaired many times but still produced bad results made me twitchy when people came, and even though it has been replaced I still prefer to meet friends for lunch or dinner. I do the occasional afternoon tea with my best china, which is so much easier and doesn't involve any pressure.
I would certainly be the one reluctant to invite and cook, but I would then treat my friend to a lunch out regularly to feel I was doing my share.

If she's a good friend in other ways, I wouldn't worry.

Why not eat out?

I have a friend who I used to socialise with a lot a few years ago when we were both single. We’d enjoy a Saturday night out with drinks at my house prior to going out. I’d always host as I lived nearer to the town, but she never contributed to the drinks and went as far as to say that she couldn’t drink cheap vodka as it made her ill, so I resorted to refilling a Smirnoff bottle with a supermarket brand, and guess what? She was fine! ?

I have a friend that abosolutely hates cooking and entertaining as she feel she is no good at it. I can understand how you feel though. But I do feel perhaps your friend could find other ways of returning the favour in other ways.

I eat out with all my friends I m like wildswan don’t like cooking or hosting (I used to do both when I was younger ) but now it all seems to difficult beyond a cup of coffee and biscuit
I also don’t have any friends that hosts most of us don’t have cars and live a couple of bus rides away so it’s always easier to hitch up in town at a local restaurant or cafe and that suits me

I am someone who hates having to host any kind of visit. I do not like cooking and and as I live on my own this is not a problem. In other ways I am confident and capable.

I get terribly anxious and worried if I have to cook a meal for anyone, even a simple one. Silly of me I know, but that's the way it is. Yes, I could go to M&S and buy a quiche, a bag of salad etc, but the whole idea just stresses me out.

However, I do return hospitality I receive by going out for an occasional snack or meal with friends, and they now know my limitations and hopefully understand.

I think its not so much the financial aspect as returning hospitality Pantglas2 . There may be very good reasons for your friend not inviting you RetiredTravel I know I hate cooking and tell my friends this. I would invite friends back for a take away or treat them to a restaurant meal if my husband wasn't able to cook. I wouldn't let this affect your friendship though, just accept the status quo maybe suggest going out for a meal sometimes instead of you cooking.

I think friendship is different from hospitality and the two things don’t always overlap.

I have one friend with whom I reciprocate with meals and others just a coffee occasionally. Another comes over for a glass of wine but I’m never invited to hers. I’m lucky to have a place in Spain and friends have joined us and I don’t expect anything in return.

Perhaps thinking about the friendship holistically rather than materially might help?

From your husbands point of view, you have a friend who he thinks is a “sponger” and he is obliged to be pleasant to her, no problem occasionally although I wouldn’t like it on a regular basis.
A solution might be to invite her when hubby is doing other things, or go dutch at a restaurant or cafe.

I have a good friend who comes to me for lunch and I cook. She finds entertaining- even me, who she has known for over 40 years- stressful. She is such a good friend I really don’t mind. She always brings flowers and a cake. We eat out sometimes too. I wouldn’t let it worry you. If you like her and enjoy her company, don’t let your husband’s opinion blight your friendship.

I hate entertaining and my friend loves it so we usually go to hers. If we are out for a meal we usually insist on paying and say we are happy to, because you always treat us at yours.
I wouldn't want to serve them a bought meal as my friend always goes to a lot of trouble preparing her delicious recipes. I would feel such a failure.
If neither of you is short of money and you are good friends does it really matter whose house you are in. If you don't want to always be doing it can you not just say I don't really feel like cooking so can we eat out. Or, if I do the main can you bring the sweet. I assume they bring wine.

I had a very dear friend who often invited me to her home for a meal but would never once accept my invitation.

I learned, over time, that she was intensely fastidious, finicky (OCD), over-anxious about germs and finally, an observant Jew who kept a kosher kitchen.

I don't suppose she felt like explaining to me exactly why she could only ever eat at home, it was easier to just decline but I did think, for quite a while, that I was doing something wrong.

We used to go walking at dusk every night. She died last year and I miss her such a lot.