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Daughter in law and stepson

(13 Posts)
Carid Fri 15-Nov-19 01:16:06

For two years life has been so sad. Son in law blamed dad for his mother’s death although he hadn’t seen mum for 20 years. Happened Christmas an two years ago and we haven’t seen seen grandchildren since. At the time his dad was waiting for results of bowel cancer and in much pain. He wrote and said he should have been more supportive of his sons at a difficult time. They put their own guilt onto their dad who is distraught. But my husband is also soo upset because he hadn’t seen grandchildren for two years because Eastern European Daughter-in-law hates us all. Our daughter is upset because her children have nothing to do with their uncles and cousins... it all seems like such evil thoughts ...please help...don’t get me wrong we have tried to keep in touch but nothing is good enough.

Sussexborn Fri 15-Nov-19 01:21:15

Family complications can be a nightmare with everyone convinced that they are in the right. Hope things settle down for you before too long.

Namsnanny Fri 15-Nov-19 02:17:02

Carid sounds an awful lot of sadness and disarray for you to carry. Especially as from what you have described it doesn't directly involve you.

I'm a little confused. You mention a SIL a DIL and a daughter. Does that mean there are 3 sets of grand children?

Try to reach out to the GP or if you can afford it try speaking to a counsellor.

Don't carry on like this.


BlueBelle Fri 15-Nov-19 03:06:39

I m afraid I don’t understand your post
Son in law blames dad for mother’s death ??
Daughter in law hates us all ??
Daughter is upset because her children ......??
So sorry but I m not clear at all what this is about although I ve read it over more than once

Sorry to hear your husband has been so ill I hope he is much better now and sorry you haven’t seen your grandchildren that is very sad

BradfordLass72 Fri 15-Nov-19 03:59:46

Me too Bluebelle.

Not quite sure how her being from Eastern Europe comes into it either, why on earth does her ethnicity matter?

All very confusing confused

DoraMarr Fri 15-Nov-19 08:54:01

I’m sorry you’re feeling so sad. However, it is a little difficult to understand the relationships here- are there two fathers involved, your husband and the son- in- law’s father, or is your husband the father of the son-in-law? (?) What Is the significance of the nationality of the daughter-in-law? How many uncles are there and how are they related to you and your husband?

Luckygirl Fri 15-Nov-19 08:55:37

When someone dies it is very common to try and find someone to blame. Your stepson is clearly locked into this phase of grieving.

It is very sad for you all, but I really do not think there is much that you can do to change the situation.

As others have said it might help you to seek counselling as a way of trying to come to terms with it all.

Hithere Fri 15-Nov-19 09:02:58

I am also very confused

EllanVannin Fri 15-Nov-19 09:13:53

Language barrier ?

DoraMarr Fri 15-Nov-19 09:24:48

Ah, now I see. Stepson rather than son-in-law. I’m sorry this has happened. Sometimes children of divorced parents are saddened by their parent’s separation and blame one of them. This is often buried until something like a death brings it into the open, and your stepson is blaming his father when he is grieving the death of his mother. This may seem irrational, but grief takes many forms. I think all you can do is to comfort your husband and try not to dwell too much on the situation. Perhaps your husband could write to his son ( sons?) expressing his regret and confirming his love for him (them.) The daughter in law may be supporting her husband and may not understand the situation since she has only heard it from his side. Your daughter needs to speak to the sons herself and not burden you. Best wishes.

SpringyChicken Fri 15-Nov-19 10:07:43

Can you clarify, please? Your husband was divorced from your stepson's mother and married you many years ago? Your husband is father or stepfather to your daughter?

If you've been together a long time, it seem unreasonable that stepson holds his dad responsible for his mother's death. His resentment may go back to the days when they separated and his mother's death could have brought it to the surface again.

Tedber Fri 15-Nov-19 13:01:16

Have read it 3 times and still no idea what it is about?

Son in law? Daughter in law? Father blaming himself? Who’s children?

Sounds horrendous anyway

agnurse Fri 15-Nov-19 15:31:46

I suspect that even though your SS hadn't seen his mum for 20 years, her death put an end to the idea that maybe they could be reconciled eventually. This can be hard for a person to accept. I agree that it's possible that your SS is still in the anger phase of grief, and he may have been looking for an outlet for that anger. Unfortunately, your DH was a convenient scapegoat.