Was I a hard mother?

As a child and teenager my sister and I were expected to help in many ways - and there is nothing wrong with that, but it went too far. We were doing the lions share by the time we were in our mid teens, and schoolwork suffered. I know I resented it and think 10 is too young to be entirely responsible for ironing their clothes. It's not too young to be shown how to do tasks and be involved - to help.
I found myself, despite working full time, doing the heavy lifting of the domestic side of life and being ambitious for them to do well at school by having time to do their homework and grafting for exams. By the time they went to university they were able to cope with looking after themselves and have gone on to do well in life.

What prompted my post was neighbour who was still ironing sons's shirts, but friends have often commented (not complaining) about needing to make sandwiches for quite old children's lunches (no school meals where I live). Also I noticed that many university students bring bags of dirty washing home, expecting it washed and dried for them after the the weekend. When mine went off, I told them to figure out the washing machine where they were staying, or do it themselves when home!

Anyway, my "hardness" is a sort of family joke - they boast to their friends about how they had to do things for themselves - so they don't hold it against me! They are all competent, independent adults - eldest son loves cooking and from a young age used to make himself "designer" sandwiches.

My son, once taught to iron his shirts, would not allow me to do them as I 'didn't do it well enough'. I do iron the occasional shirt for DH if we are going somewhere socially but he wears fleece lined ones otherwise, which don't need ironing, or jumpers. The creases seem to drop out of our trousers as soon as we put them on....don't they?

Good for you!! I taught both my boys to iron at about 11 when they started secondary school.
I remember an evening at a Scout group meeting when the leader said to the assembled parents- I wish more of you would do as Mrs B does & teach their offspring to look after their own clothes. Mrs B's boys sew on their own badges!!
I was mortified at the time but looking back I did them
( & their future wives) a big favour!!
They could both cook before they left home too & now I am teaching my grandsons to cook real food. My eldest GS (15) cooks for all his girlfriends & they love his ( my recipe) Chinese Chicken!

Mothers do their sons (or daughters) no favours by doing everything for them. My husband was in the military for many years and it is written, in the 'Queen's rules and regs' for the military, that each member of the armed forces are responsible for looking after their own kit. Who am to argue with the queen - husband ironed his own shirts!

I did/do exactly the same.
Dc`s both left home and have dc`s of their own and never once complained of what they had to do.
They always tell me they love me so I have no regrets at all
You are a wonderful mother/wife.

You were an excellent mother! There are so many people in the world, and not just men, who just cannot even iron. I taught all three of my kids to iron, cook, knit, sew and basically look after themselves. I didn’t want their future partners to have to take on some useless piece who couldn’t even wipe their own bums! My husband now irons his own stuff from the basket, if and when he needs it. I am exactly like you!

One of my married twins irons all his own shirts every weekend for work. He cant cook though. My other two sons dont iron but do cook. One did the Christmas dinner single handed for 24 guests. And cleared up after.. I would love my now retired husband to iron his stuff. He maintains for over 40 years I have "hiding places" for the ironing. It's so irritating. I dont "hide it" it's simply in a basket awaiting attention. Sometimes in a cupboard sometimes in the kitchen. I dont know where he thinks it should be! He has just started hoovering though, when I suggested and he saw how many "steps" it gained him. We were both struck by it tbh and hes on a health kick. I wonder how many steps a day ironing would gain him. If he thinks it's for his benefit, he would do it!

My son took on his ironing at 13. He even ironed socks - much to his sisters’ amusement! Now married with 2 daughters he still irons his own clothes and is happy taking on the family ironing! He reckons its a therapeutic occupation in a very busy life!

Only your children can answer this question honestly

Asking children to do own ironing and sandwiches doesn’t, at face value, condemn you as being a “hard” mother. But who know if this was the tip of the iceberg! (Your children!)

I know it sounds selfish and wimpish, but I miss having someone who cares how I am. who is affectionate and friendly, from genuine regard. that's life I guess.
I know people who make the usual polite noises, or keep in with me because I can be useful to them, but that's not what I mean. that;s veneer. someone who really knows how faulty I am, yet who cares; there;s no one now. im slipping.

well, now I'm feeling quite inadequate.
I don't know how to do anything useful. wish I did, some. too late now. but I agree some women seem to want to keep control of doing all the domestic tasks, which is ok, but then... I cant express what I mean.
when I was at college, a fellow student complained bitterly about how much she had to do, looking after her husband and children. she mentioned having to do stacks of ironing, such as her husbands pyjamas, and underpants. I said surely he does not expect you to iron those. she replied, I don't like to see the peg marks. my sympathy began to wane...
incidentally, I said to my brother today that I notice I am slower at doing things lately, and make unaccustomed mistakes, like kicking the radio on the top landing and nearly crashing over. I said, do you think I'm getting dementia. it has been in the family. he said I don't know, maybe. this was not what I wanted to hear. I expected him to say, no, of course not, everyone makes mistakes occasionally, and you said you don't sleep well, you're probably over-tired. but he hardly ever says anything much to me at all, so it was a vain imagining.

I always rely on DH to take his housewife with him when we go away!

If you're wondering, a housewife is a sewing kit which all new recruits to the RN had to make, containing everything for mending clothes.

I'm glad to say that I was always too busy for ironing. If they wanted stuff ironed they did it themselves, kids and husbands.

Some women seem to enjoy waiting on people. One of my daughters married a son of a 'waiter' and he was in for a big shock when expected to do his fair share!

Farmor, definitely not. My husband is the eldest of six and he and his brothers can all cook, clean, iron, sew on buttons and things like that. Compared sadly to my own brother, who now widowed found household chores a difficult adjustment.My sister-in-law did everything in the home. Your children will all be able to look after themselves, as my own children can. I appreciated what my mother-in-law did as my husband has never left me to do all the housework and Ive no worries if, God forbid, he's left on his own.

Ours were taught to iron when they needed long sleeved shirts for school at 11. They also learned that the washing machine was just a machine and if they could read they could use it. They were taught basic sewing and joined in with cooking from a young age. They also helped with DIY, decorating their rooms, mending things that were broken and the gardening. Mean? Maybe, but they left home more than capable of looking after themselves and now their families. So no. farmor you weren’t a mean mum, well if you were then so was I and reading this thread we aren’t alone.

Way to go-good for you! I offered to do some ironing for DD1 and her DH when they were newly married, DD studying full time, young baby and SIL police officer. SIL replied (very politely) no thanks it won’t be good enough! Lol! He was a military man and his ironing is impressive.

We have a family business, so all the children had their jobs to do from a young age. They were often with us in school holidays, and were always put to work. They all still work with us, and all have a strong work ethic, now it’s the grandchildren’s turn.

At home I guess I did most things, but they did jobs around the house when I was busy, one of them got away with a lot more because she did a sport which took up several hours a day,

They still had plenty of leisure time, but none of them ever dared say they were bored, they were soon found something to do.

I was the same Farmor but my son was 12. He also use to cook himself something for lunch when I was out, did his own ironing (in a fashion, but his choice). I also taught him basic sewing, zips, buttons etc. Now as an adult he is self sufficient, can cook family meals, plan them and best of all as he has 4 girls he can take up hems and do repairs with his sewing machine. Why doesn't mum do it? because her mum never taught her.

I was a stay at home mum to our two daughters and I did everything probably because I was “picky”. I liked things to be ironed my way and the cleaning to be done my way. Now they are in their late 30s and neither of them irons very much. DD1 lives in London much as she did as a student. DD2 is married with 2 boys 14½y and 11½ months. DGS1 stayed over last night and told me that when he went home, he would have his school uniform for the week to iron (he’s back to school tomorrow). I know that her DH irons his work shirts himself. She doesn’t iron unless necessary. She says she doesn’t buy clothes for herself that need ironing! Her DH doesn’t help too much around the house and she is a full time secondary school teacher earning more than him. So I do think she’s quite right to make him do something. But he is another story - I think just how he was dragged brought up. I do wish however that I had got my DDs to do more but I think they are happy.

I was much the same Farmor but in my case I was not particularly maternal so it suited me for them to become more independent. I always remember meeting my daughter coming in as I was going out and she said " I know, you are going out get my own tea ".
Independence stood her in good stead as she was widowed young and left with two small children.

I certainly don't think so, Farmor15! You were working outside the home, too. All needed to chip in to help. I was home with my boys until their dad left and then worked to support them. They learned to cook, bake, do laundry, etc. We all pitched in. Also, even when their dad was with us, I did most of the repair work (fixed washing machine, drier, sliding door; installed tile, shower door, dishwasher; repaired toys, etc.) My ex liked to cook. They're pretty proficient across the board these days which I think is a good thing.

I love that Agnurse

Here's something that my mom had on the fridge for years. I think it's applicable in this situation.

Was your Mom “mean”? I know mine was. We had the meanest mother in the whole world! While other kids ate candy for breakfast, we had to have cereal, eggs, and toast. When others had a Pepsi and a Twinkie for lunch, we had to eat sandwiches. And you can guess our mother fixed us a dinner that was different from what other kids had, too.

Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all times. You’d think we were convicts in prison. She had to know who our friends were and what we were doing with them. She insisted that if we said we would be gone for an hour, we would be gone for an hour or less. We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve to break the Child Labor Laws by making us work: we had to wash the dishes, make the beds, learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry, empty the trash, and all sorts of cruel jobs. I think she would lie awake at night thinking of more things for us to do.

She always insisted on our telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

By the time we were teenagers, she could read our minds. Then, life was really tough! Mother wouldn’t let our friends just honk the horn when they drove up. They had to come up to the door so she could meet them.

While everyone else could date when they were 12 or 13, we had to wait until we were 16. Because of our mother we missed out on lots of things other kids experienced. None of us have ever been caught shoplifting or vandalizing others’ property, or been arrested for any crime. It was all her fault. Now that we have left home, we are all educated, honest adults. We are doing our best to be “mean” parents just like Mom was. I think that is what’s wrong with the world today. It just doesn’t have enough “mean” moms.

How did mine become so resourceful, good at cooking, able to iron a shirt or two, make packed lunches, whatever required to run a home and get good qualifications and good careers? And good manners too? All without me making them do their own ironing and get their own food?

Perhaps because they were determined to get a job, delivering papers, a Saturday job at the supermarket, waiting on etc while they were still at school.

Perfectly nice school dinners were expensive, ok a couple of days a week but not every day.
And chips were served every day too!