Sadness for sons

You’re definitely not a failure. You are still in contact with your sons which speaks droves. You’ve been dealt a harsh hand, but it’s never too late to improve. It may be a good idea to seek out self help groups, of which I’m sure there are many, where you could meet people in similar situations. What about your work place? Is there scope there for socialising? Failing this, maybe counselling would be good. You could speak to your GP as a first port of call.

programmed? Not me either ?

As women we.are programmed to do everything for them and to feel guilty about what we have or haven't done.

Since when? Some women have been but not all. Neither me, nor my mother nor my grandmother, nor most women of my acquaintance.

Haweral is spot on. My eldest made some nasty remarks about his childhood, in fact had quite a chip on his shoulder about it.

I spoke to my youngest, saying that I was quite hurt that he didn't seem to even like me, considering that I'd always loved him so much.

I spoke about all the nights I'd walked around trying to settle him as a colicky baby, the awful pain breastfeeding after a cesarean, the fatigue, the worry and endless fussing over him. Why did I bother?

By contrast, she'd had minimal fuss and attention from me (being the fourth) was passed round family like a parcel while I just got on with things - and was the happiest and most contented of them all.

Of course, that conversation got relayed very quickly to him and he phoned - to say how very hurt he was that I thought he didn't like me - typical!

I believed that I gave my boys a fantastic family upbringing. Talking to them during a rift recently their memories of their childhood they thought their father was a better father than me a mother. I've been to counselling and I have come to believe that yes I was a great.mother like I thought. Boys just remember relationships differently. I was very hurt. They forgot about the things I.did for them. As women we.are programmed to do everything for them and to feel guilty about what we have or haven't done. That's a hangover.from my mother's and grandmother's life to be subversive to men and to.go without for our children. What you are lacking is confidence. Get some counselling because you.sound like a great.mother to me.

Bless you OP.
I could have written a very similar story about me and my daughter, the decisions I made surrounding the men in our lives .
She held it against me for some time.
We did some counselling together. I apologised and explained as best I could.
What I won't do is spend the rest of my life apologising.
That serves no purpose. Feeling guilty is really so negative. My advice is to learn to accept your human failings and learn from your mistakes.
Your adult children need to see you being your best self.
These men who made your (and their) life such a misery should not have the power to continue to do so.
I'm rooting for you.
Please feel free to private message me. ?

Your children although have gone through the same situation as you, have seen it from a very different angle.
Maybe now as they are grown you can help them talk about how they feel and allow yourself to also tell them how you feel. This sharing of feelings is also 'good for mental health '. But professional support may also be helpful for you to see, no matter what you did, you could not affect how your husbands behaved, their behaviour is not your fault.
Trust yourself.

Tillybelle- in my short time on this website your name stands out as being consistently empathic & kind and I personally felt truly uplifted by your kind words to me. You are an inspiration & I thank you XX

We do what we think is right at the time. With age comes wisdom and, looking back, I'd never have done half the things I did. I made a lot of wrong choices. I often wish I could put the clock back and do things differently and better. You don't say the ages of your boys but no doubt in time they will have partners and families of their own for you to share. Your life may be happier in older age. I know that the arrival of my GS brought such joy into my life when I was feeling quite low. As someone else said - love is what matters. You sound like a wonderful Mum.

I think you should feel sorry for yourself, not your sons. You made a couple of what turned out to be problematic but not necessarily wrong choices. I hope your boys inherited your first husband's good qualities and your caring nature and I hope things get better for you soon.

Tillybelle bless you, it was so clear you were speaking from experience and the heart xx

Oh V3ra! That is so kind of you! I'm having trouble typing and seeing my mistakes so I have my heart in my mouth when I press 'post' even after previewing! Thank you again, I do worry in case I say something stupid or unintentionally hurtful.

Lots of lovely and worthwhile people are poor pickers of life partners, so you are part of quite a large group! Loved children have the best of all advantages and will themselves be loving and committed parents. You should not feel that you have failed; in the face of great difficulty you have brought up children who are well equipped to face life. Your turn now?

It doesn't matter if you are on the wrong thread, you sound so depressed but you did a wonderful job. You raised two sons who knew you were always there for them. lots of children are from broken homes, and a lot of those that aren't, it's not all happy families. Be proud you were there for them, but start to look after yourself, it's your time now, start little by little getting out and about. I'm on my own now like so many people, I get down, but I book a holidays and get out and about, so many can't, the first step is the hardest , but it gets easier, you can do it.?

Tillybelle what a heartfelt, powerful and moving post x

Pap67 you sound like a wonderful Mum and your Sons must be proud of you,you are not a failure.Mybe talking to a professional person might help, you deserve more than sleep and work in your life.
Sending hugs.

Pap67 You poor dear girl. You are probably depressed, I think. To have such low self-esteem is a big sign of depression and it makes it very hard to do anything beyond the basic necessities of life. I really do sympathise. I often still feel this way and have been through it a lot. My own marriage has parallels with yours and the person I was lumbered with afterwards was a terrible burden to me even though I managed not to let him move in with me.

I think you have no right to criticise yourself in this way. I think you coped amazingly well in extremely difficult circumstances! Both relationships were ones that were extraordinarily demanding and neither gave you any support in return. I would imagine you are suffering from exhaustion and a feeling of emptiness because you do not even have happy memories on which you can draw. I know this so well. But I am sure you fed, dressed and tended to all the children in your care with love and kindness. Considering their fathers' inputs, you rescued them from dire neglect. I think you did a wonderful job for all those children! Where would they have been without you? You raised 5 children!

My own husband died at 56 at his own hand. I have three daughters. I cannot come to terms with his death, nor with the cruelty he dealt me every day since I met him. We, you and I, are always left with the difficulty that we cannot talk about the cruelty of their father to our children. Then there is the added terror that one of them at least might take after him. After all, they share his genes. I have often felt intensely alone with my memories of the cruelty I suffered.

Please, Pap67, it's your turn now to do the things you enjoy. You can spend your money on yourself, treat yourself. You must start appreciating yourself. You have nothing whatsoever to reproach yourself for. No! You did not let your boys down! Not at all! You did the best you could for them at every stage in their lives. What more could you do? I often feel the same because my daughters' experience growing up was not ideal, with their father being strange and dying while they were,- one in her first term at University, one doing GCSEs and the little one just 8. But I have to tell myself I could only do what I could do. We had to move when he died because of his debts but it turned out to be a good thing although it was a night-mare at the time. I am sure you managed really well! Every meal you made them was a miracle! I know! I have been there.

Pleas start being kind to yourself. I think it would help to have someone to talk to. Maybe your Gp can arrange some counselling for you? It would be so good if you had somewhere you could go to process all those difficult times. I think you are an amazing lady, a wonderful Survivor who rescued 5 children from a very difficult and sad situation and never gave much thought for yourself. Now's the time to take care of yourself. You deserve it. ???

Pap67 It's so positive that you were able to post on here about how you feel.

As you can see, posters do not condemn you, but are overwhelmingly supportive of how you have managed to bring up your boys, despite the odds being stacked against you, and think you should feel proud of that.

These feelings are negatively affecting your life, but professional support is available as others have said, and I think you recognise that this may help. There is no stigma in this, in fact it is a very positive thing to do, and am sure it's what you'd advise a friend to do if she unburdened to you.

Pap67 - feeling a failure is not very pleasant and no amount of anybody telling you that you are not a failure will make any difference until you commit to the idea of giving yourself some time with a professional who will be able to work with you and address these basic beliefs. Honestly, you need some real self-care - you have been mum to five children which is no mean feat, you've been unlucky in your partners, and yet are holding a job down. The guilt you feel is misplaced. Please go to your GP and ask for some counselling on the NHS. You will get a series of six sessions initially with a counsellor who will help you talk through your feelings, and then you can ask for some CBT sessions which will help with orienting your deeply held beliefs about yourself. I'm sure your children and especially your boys don't feel that you've sold them short in any way.

Every one of us shares your feelings from time to time - it's human nature. We want the absolute best of everything for each of our precious children and feel bad because our own humanity limits what we can provide. All mothers/grandmother's need to be very, very kind to themselves because most of us put all we have into our families often with scant appreciation shown for all we give of our precious selves.
Take time for you, a walk, a bath, candles, flowers, a good book - simple things that affirm your worth.
You are a wonderful woman

It seems to me that you have been a devoted mother and that the men in your life are the ones who let your son's down. Reading through the lines I believe you may need to find yourself again as an individual. Think about how you'd like to spend your leisure time. Take every opportunity to enjoy hobbies or other pastimes in the company of others - you will build a new circle of friends who enjoy the same things in no time. Good luck!

You have cared deeply for your sons through a very hard and painful life - I agree entirely with what MOnica says. Please read her post again and find support - you have much to be proud of and at the moment you need, as we all do, someone to be there with you as you move ahead.

Thankyou all so very much! I have tried hard to explain to the boys how I feel. It’s them that have said about not having great childhood family memories that have started these self destructive thoughts. It’s true, my 2nd husband moved us away from everyone and with 5 children it wasn’t easy getting back to see family, but I made a huge effort. I feel like their dad did so little and yet he was more important than me... stupid eh? I think yes, I need a little expert help, after all we are seeing about mental health, it’s important I practice what I preach to the boys about not bottling things up.
Thankyou so much for each reply and taking the time to write.

Pap67 please don't be so sad. You were there for your sons and did the best that you could. I do understand how you feel, I too feel that I have let my sons down, especially the eldest who had a rather disturbed childhood, but with age and hindsight it's easier to see what paths we could have taken. I am sure many, many mothers feel that they could have done better and you had a lot to cope with. You sound a very loving mother and I am sure your sons love you very much too.

Life must feel hard for you at times but I assure you, Pap67 you have done your best and have your lovely sons to prove it.

Don't lock yourself away. Everyone occasionally feels job done - what next but have to carry on to the next hurdle step.
Nothing will happen at all if you hide yourself away.

My DM brought 3 of us up alone and she had mental health problems, so we were often separated even from her. However we remained a strong family because we knew we were loved.