Let's see if we can make each other laugh

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely night out. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cats in the back garden. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to being in presents we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out soon as he was just saying goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.
"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
The silence in the taxi was deafening.....

"Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

annaram and suzywoozy
I don't like the old Irish jokes either. Not balanced as Irish usually the butt of them

A man on his Harley was riding along an Australian beach road when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, " Lord, build a bridge to Tasmania so I can ride over anytime I want."

God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

God replied: "You want two lanes on that bridge, or four?"

A Mafia Godfather finds out that
his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of
$10,000,000. His bookkeeper is
deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would
therefore never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about
the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who
knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer,
"Ask him where the money is."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido,
Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what
you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather,
"He says he doesn't know what you are talking
about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to
Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll
kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill
you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You
win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the
shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did
he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't
have the balls to pull the trigger."

All of you lovers of proper English will appreciate this story.

On his 74th birthday, a Red Indian man received a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation. The medicine man was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man, all the time wondering what was to come.

The old medicine man slowly and methodically produced a potion, which he handed to the 74 year-old.

With a grip on his shoulder, the medicine man warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life and you will be able to perform as long as you want."

The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded. "But
when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full
moon."

The old man was very eager to see if the potion worked, so he went
home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then
invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes… And then she
asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences
with a preposition or one will end up with a dangling participle!

JACK (aged 3) was watching his Mum breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mum why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (aged 5) asked her Gran how old she was. Gran replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you should look in the back of your pants. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (aged 3) hugged and kissed his Mum good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

KATIE (aged 4) had an ear ache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mum explained it was a child-proof lid and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (aged 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

LUKE (aged 4) stepped onto the bathroom scales and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

MARK (aged 4) was engrossed in watching a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

CHRIS (aged 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mum asked what was bothering him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

JAMES (aged 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

Aw these are so funny just what we need Chewbacca
Pearl drop and Callistemon yours had me creased.

.

Before you criticise a man, walk a mile in his shoes.
Then when you do criticise him you’ll be a mile away and have his shoes.

A woman gets out of the shower , wraps a towel around herself just as the doorbell rings. She goes to the door to see Fred her next door neighbour standing there, Fred says to her “if I give you £600 will you drop your towel.” She drops her towel and Fred gives her the money.
When she goes back upstairs her husband asks her who was a the door, “it was Fred “she said.
“Oh”said her husband “did he give you that £600 he owed me?”

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

‘I’m sorry, ‘St Peter said; ‘But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.’

‘That’s cool’ said the blonde, ‘What does the Entrance Exam consist of?’

‘Just three questions’ said St Peter.

‘Which are?’ asked the blonde.

‘The first,’ said St Peter, ‘is, which two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’.
‘The second is ‘How many seconds are there in a year?’
‘The third is ‘What was the name of the swag-man in Waltzing Matilda?’
‘Now,’ said St Peter, ‘Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.’

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought.

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, ‘I have.’

‘Well then,’ said St Peter, ‘Which two days of the week start with the letter T?’

The blonde said, ‘Today and Tomorrow.’

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

‘Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?’ St Peter went on, ‘how many seconds in a year?’

The Blonde replied, ‘Twelve!’

‘Only twelve?’ exclaimed St Peter, ‘How did you arrive at that figure?’

‘Easy,’ said the blonde, ‘there’s the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.’

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, ‘I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.’ And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. ‘I’ll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?’

The blonde replied; ‘Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.’

‘Really!’ exclaimed St Peter, ‘And what is the answer?’

‘It’s Andy.’

‘Andy?’
‘
‘Yes, Andy,’ said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked ‘How in God’s name did you arrive at THAT answer ?’

‘Easy’ said the blonde, ‘Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.’

And the blonde entered Heaven…

A lowly office worker named Eric boasted to his boss that he knew every famous person in the world,including celebrities,royalty and heads of state. Not surprisingly,his boss scoffed at the claim,-so Eric promised to introduce him to some of his famous friends."Would you believe me"asked Eric,"If i took you to meet Arnold Schwarzenegger"?," Maybe" said his boss.So they drove to Schwarzenegger's mansion,and Arnie came to the door to greet them."Hey,Eric,how you doin "?,Long time no see,why don't you and your friend come in for lunch"?.They stayed for two hours,eating and drinking at Arnie's expense.As they left,Eric said to his boss,"Now are you convinced"?."You just got lucky",said his boss,"Arnie's a naturally friendly guy". "Okay,"sighed Eric,"What if I intorduced you to Madonna ?Would you believe that I know everybody worth knowing "?,"Hmm,perhaps"conceded his boss.So they flew to London,where Eric took his boss to Madonnas house."Eric,great to see you again"said Madonna,"Who's your friend"?,"This is my boss"said Eric."Come in,both of you,Any friend of Eric's is a friend of mine".An hour later,they left and Eric asked his boss,"Now do you believe me"?,"I don't know"said his boss""You could have topped her off in advance,and paid her to say she knew you",Eric shook his head in despair,and said"How about if I showed you I was friends with the Pope"?,"I guess that would be pretty impressive"said his boss,"If you could get to stand on the Vatican balcony with the Pope,then yes,I'd finally be convinced that you know every famous person in the world".So the pair travelled to Rome,The boss waited in St.Peter's Square,while Eric entered the Vatican.A few minutes later,true to his word,Eric appeared on the Vatican balcony alongside the Pope.Immediately afterwards,Eric rushed back down to the square to find his boss's reaction,only to discover that he had fainted."What happened"?asked Eric,"I was fine"said his boss wearily"until the guy next to me said "Who's that on the balcony with Eric"????⚓???????????

Nice pic

A man had 3 girlfriends , he didn’t know which one he wanted to settle down with so he gave them £5000 pounds each and told them to go away and do something special with the money.
The first girlfriend came back with amazing hair, nails and brand new clothes, she said “I did all of this to make me somebody you can be proud of because I love you so much”
The second girlfriend came back with new clothes, shoes and gold cuff links for him “I bought these for you”she said “because I love you so much”
The third girlfriend invested the money,” I want to save for our future “she said “because I love you so much.”
The man went away for a day and wondered just who would be his forever partner ,it was so difficult but in the end he knew which girlfriend he would choose.

He chose the one with the biggest boobs.......

Loving these!
?

Day 6 of lockdown. Time to un-tidy the shed.

This quarantine has got me realising why the dog gets so excited when something moves outside the house, going for walks, car rides.
I think I just barked at a squirrel ???

Greengran78. That was hilarious, I was laughing so much I couldnt repeat it to my husband, tears were running down my face,thanks for that

Thanks for the laughs, it's a tonic!

A topless model arrived at St Peter’s in Rome for mass and was turned away by a security guard. I’ve a divine right she said,the guard said you’ve a smashing left but you still can’t come in

Good ones Nico

Further back upthread, I addressed a post to Suziewoozie. I apologise to you Suziewoozie; it was suzysuzy I was asking to take her outrage elsewhere. soon as the opticians opens, I'll make an appointment

Thanks Peardrop. Like you, we have a family WhatsApp group on the go and have stuff coming in thick and fast. Most though are videos and I'm not sure if they can be uploaded here. ?

Nico97, good ones, thanks

Just been in Morrison's and watched a bloke buy all the mussels, crabs and lobsters. I thought you shellfish sod !