Why am I socially unacceptable

Quizzer, you sound like a nice person, your family you see, but friends do seem to keep their distance, no pun meant here, I think its this extraordinary time we are living in, things will be better later I am sure.I have lots of friends, but I seem to be the only one with a phone, Facebook and Skype and other ways of keeping in touch!
Sending you an Easter hug

Many wise words have been posted here with which I totally agree. Lots of good ideas but at this bloody time they are difficult to put into practice. If I knew how to operate this website I would be more than happy to enter into correspondence. But on the other hand you might never get a reply!!. I’m trying to set myself some goals one of which is to perfect my iPad technique!! But I need someone by my side used to dealing with idiots!! No can do. So I’m glad you put pen to paper as they used to say. ! How I wish that we could close our eyes and it would all be over... my eldest son 49 after four and a half years sober has had a relapse and I am desperate. This isolation business is destroying but necessary I suppose. All I can do is pray... love to all xx

I have sent you a PM Quizzer

jishere
I think it's only good manners to say thank you when one has asked for advice and people have taken the trouble to give advice.
As I said: it's not the first time.

I have moved around quite a bit over the years and inevitably you do lose friends along the way. However you do make new ones too.
Join everything, you can always choose what to drop if it doesn't suit you. Volunteer to do things, if it doesn't work out you can always stop.
I have a ring around with friends so that we all keep in contact. Is that something maybe that you can organise?

It is easy to overthink things just now.I have made an effort to phone friends since the lockdown especially ones on their own and they always seem pleased to talk but not had many calls coming in! Maybe because they are aware OH here?
DD calls often DS not so much but that’s normal !

Meryl Streep you can't demand someone to reply. We all give advice freely and whether it's read or appreciated or whether Quizzer is reflecting is no one's business but her own. This is not a score sheet so leave her be. She will answer if and when she wants to.

Sorry you are finding this time difficult ! I have no family and only two friends who are busy with their own working life ...this never bothers me ...I have a daughter who has made no contact for 14 years, and an unknown grandson ….it is their life and as far as I know from the internet (!) they are all ok. My only regret this year is I am unable now to travel as I had planned (and booked and paid for !) I do have many friends in different countries and we all e mail each other ...and that is fine with me ! I bought a holiday property as well, but now can't visit it ! but as long as everyone is safe, I have lots that I SHOULD ha ha and even COULD be doing with lockdown ....but am afraid I spend too much time on here ! I also live alone but now at the coast, and it is beautiful to have the one hour a day to get out along the beach or into the countryside ...all just minutes away ….so, I should try to think what you DO HAVE as some people have no one and nothing ….I am grateful every day to have enough (read the poem ENOUGH and you will see what I mean) take care

I admire your honesty. Friendship is a funny thing. It's not always equal, but we don't realise it isn't until something like this virus shows us how things really are. I am wondering, like a lot of folk who have replied, whether your husband might be partly the reason for your situation.

I had a neighbour many years ago who moved to Scotland. I was very fond of her and thought it was the same for her. On one of my visits we were in her car with her sister sitting beside her in the front and me and all the children in the back.

I lay my head back and closed my eyes for a while. They thought I must be asleep. My friend suddenly said to her sister referring to me, " hasn't she got an odd face ! Reminds me of a weird looking milk maid" then she added "She's Catholic you know" then after a pause " they should all be taken out and shot"

I hope things improve for you.

I’ve recently downloaded the Guardian Crossword app so you could invite a new friend to do a crossword with you? They might be very pleased to share this activity at first then later you can phone and you’ll have a shared interest!

Consider if you appear to be a very confident and self reliant person? If so others might think you are fine and will have lots of other people calling them.
Another issue is if your friends are very busy people who have lots of family?
I have a lovely friend I rarely see or hear from as she is always so busy with other friends and groups.We meet up about once a year.

Quizzer - sorry you're feeling this way, but you do say that you've told your children not to act differently during this pandemic, and they're only doing what you asked. Likewise, you know that DH has never been a socialite and that living with him during lockdown will not bring you much company, so the answer lies with you to become involved. Also, please don't forget that some of your 'friends' who are sociable might be 'run off their feet' at this time, not just in terms of sourcing provisions and possibly volunteering to help the extremely vulnerable, but also because they may be inundated with virtual communications and be busy responding rather than initiating. I fall into this category and therefore realise that instead of lockdown being a quiet time for reflection, it's quite the opposite. Going forward I would suggest that you do ask one of your 'friends' why you seem to be unpopular and you may get a surprise in being told that you're not. Alternatively you may be told that you're too passive. Either way, even in social isolation you can have virtual coffee chats, book group meetings and endless other such activities, and you might start by sharing information about free online performances. All of these things are out there if you just look. And when this is all over, try joining a book group or something else where you can meet a small number of people on a regular basis and maybe take turns in providing a venue and food. This would really lock you into a group of like-minded people. And tell your children and grandchildren you want more contact. Good luck.

Hi, I feel your pain. I am in a similar situation with a husband who really didn't leave the house before quarantine and is a bit of a misanthrope. My social life really shrank into nonexistence when I got married, but my husband gave me depth of relationship that I needed at the time, so it was a bit of a trade off, with unforeseeable long term consequences post family days. Now I am at a loss to have a social life with or without him. My efforts don't seem to get very far. I get excited thinking I have made a new friend, but then it doesn't seem to go anywhere. I have always been sensitive and desired a few close friends over a quantity of friends. It seems harder and harder to meet women who want to share a friendship. I think it is the stage of life, and also the culture which seems to make most people very self absorbed in general. My two oldest and closest friends both have limiting diseases which make them somewhat housebound, and this year before Covid hit, I had vowed to push myself out to meet new people without the husband but then there was the quarantine. I tried to engage with a new potential friend by email, but I think my enthusiasm scared her off! I felt bad about it, even though I didn't do anything wrong. For me, this stage of life has been about struggling to accept the way things are and not taking it personally that people don't seem that interested in engaging. In another period of history, perhaps people might have desired to share in each other's joys and sorrows more directly? But these are not those times. I try to stay involved in something creative even if it is by myself. As I read your post, your reflections echo a lot of what I have been feeling lately, so thank you for sharing. It isn't us I don't think really. Maybe we both shouldn't judge ourselves harshly for there being a deficit in other's interest and/or capacity to engage more fully with other people? I have been a nurturer and caregiver my entire life, but at this point, it is pretty obvious that I am going to have to let it go and try much harder to give myself the same care that I would ordinarily give others without a second thought. Don't give yourself away! You are worth more and when this Covid virus let's us all out to play again, you and I are both going to find new friends to have some laughs and shared good times with!!! Hang in there.

@Quizzer - when all this Corona crisis has subsided I'm sure you'll be back to filling your days, volunteering, talking to people on the committees you sit on etc. Your 3 kids and grandchildren call you several times a week, so even though 'friends' may not be checking on your welfare at least you are having regular contact with other people which is more than some have at the moment. I'm a bit concerned that your key worker child calls while driving - not very responsible and should be discouraged. You articulate your feelings well, sum up your present and previous circumstances and thoughts on various relationships, so I would wager 2 things: The first is that other people may view you as very capable and together and therefore presume you are OK and not needing checking up on, and the second is that if not in lockdown you have made plenty of acquaintances but not clicked enough with someone to form the type of friendships where you do welfare phone checks on each other. Plus you mention a husband and, unsociable or not, others may see you are not alone and focus their efforts on those more in need, alone, struggling with more than feeling friendless. Many are now jobless, money-less, without home helps or other things they previously relied on, some were already grieving and others are recently bereaved having had loved ones die of Coronavirus-related illnesses. For the time being as, like all of us, there's little that can be done that involves leaving the house for no good reason, keep in touch with Gransnet 'friends' (the forum is generally supportive) and make plans to put yourself in situations like the voluntary work for friend-making opportunities. For the record, I have very few friends and nobody has phoned me either and though there maybe be things I'd like to have in an ideal world I recognise I have more than many, am not going without much, have a better half who is coping by wearing headphones all day and sitting reading and smoking in another room and I have avoided catching Coronavirus so far (I'm highly vulnerable). Depression, loneliness, fear, anxiety etc are becoming part of daily life for many so please don't fret too much about any of these feelings during lockdown. I would say you have many good traits and qualities others look for in potential friends so you will make some eventually. Easy to say, but try to balance any negative or sensitive feelings with something more positive, make the most of the calls you do get etc. I hope you feel better before too much longer.

Quizzer you sound just like me - and I see a few others have said the same! There's nothing wrong with you, but you have to understand and accept that you are you. I think the aloneness of lockdown - and you can feel just as alone with a DH in the garage as no DH - has caused a lot of introspection and soul-searching. I've been through this quite a lot in the past four years since my partner died and before that after my DH died young, so in a way it was maybe preparation for lockdown. What I have learned is that actually I like my own company! I am actually happy by myself in my lovely little home and garden with it's spectacular views. I don't really have close friends - more "close acquaintances'' - and my three children and five GCs are spread around Britain. We do keep in contact via WhatsApp with lots of photos and occasional video calls and lots of banter, chuckles and outright laughter. But in-the-flesh contacts are few and far between and I've taught myself to accept that. Are you familiar with the Serenity Prayer? "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.". I think that is the key to a happy life. As you don't feel happy the way you are, then you need to look inside yourself to decide what you should change. You might just find you feel as I do! Another favourite of mine is Peter Seller's little ditty which starts "Smiling is infectious .......". And that is so true. I hope you have found a lot of food for thought and particularly comfort from all the replies on here. Lots of love ???

Oh what sad posts. I think many of us are in similar situations. We can’t all be ‘Miss Popularity’ no matter how hard we try.
Some people seem to have ‘it’ and most others don’t.

It makes a huge difference whether you live with someone you get on with. I finally made a good choice of partner so it's not too bad, but I dread to think how I'd be feeling if I was still with one of my less good choices

Hello Quizzer, you are not alone in feeling the way you do. Like you I am normally out and about and belong to various groups and committees where everyone is very friendly, but none of those people have been in contact. I think there is quite a difference between people who you chat to fairly regularly, and those who you might invite to your home for dinner as personal friends. The group and committee acquaintances share a lot of personal information, but we only meet in one context at the group or committee, it doesnt tend to spill over into a closer relationship. Normally this is fine and I dont even notice, but now of course it might be nice to replace the usual weekly chat in the group with a chat over the phone or similar, however, it hasnt happened. I think this is something to do with British reserve. None of us want to move the relationships to a more personal level for fear of imposing on the other person, or assuming more than was meant by the friendliness. My DH is quite sociable, but we never do anything together and share very few mutual friends, so I think couples who are looking for a friend for each of them tend to keep their distance. I dont have an answer really, maybe drop people a text or e-mail just asking if they are OK? I have done that and most people reply.

Wise words from Minnow0. Nice to get feedback from the male perspective.

Totally understand where you are coming from.
I have accepted that I don't make friends very easily.
I'm very quiet and am a listener rather than a talker,and most people see that as being distant.
I was very hurt a couple of months ago when an old friend from teenage years was in touch,and I suggested meeting half way between our homes and have heard nothing since.
I have been told that I seem very self contained,maybe you are too?
Sadly my best friends have died now and they are irreplaceable,that's just the way it is.
Try to find something you enjoy doing and give your mind to that rather than worrying about lack of friends.you sound normal to me! It's other folk that are odd!

Hi there like everyone has said this is a strange time and the mind is over thinking for alot of us. Everybody you know are pre occupied with their own families, neighbours during this time with the exception of your own family.
Could you not start chatting to your DH?
We have to be grateful for what we have, real special friendships are very hard to come by. I mean some of us still have not met Mr Right!! We can't have everything.
You have a lovely family who see you as very independent, maybe you should open up and say if it's alright if you call them bit more.

So much good advice on this post already .
I would strongly suggest you find your local Women's Institute & go along. They should give you a warm welcome & make sure you have someone to show you the ropes. They will organise all sorts of outings etc & once a month you will get a good meeting & an interesting speaker or some craft project to try.
You will not be left alone to sit by yourself & you will meet some lovely women.
At least that is what should happen- I know some groups get a bit insular but very few are like this & there will be another group locally if the first one doesn't work for you.
We do a lot of craft at our group & last month tried our hand at drumming with a local group- that certainly got rid of all our stress!
Give them a try.

Quizzer

You put your post up @ yesterday 15.49. A lot of people have given time and thought to answering and giving good advice to your problem.
There has been no response from you. Ths isn't the first time, either that you have given no reply when asking for help/advice.
A thank you to these posters would be nice, don't you think?

sounds a bit like me,Quizzer.I think we just have too much time to worry at the moment.I'm a 68 year old widow,I've never been the life and soul of the party type,but I've built a life for myself.In normal times I go to a keep fit class,I volunteer at a lunch club and at a National Trust property,I see my family,I meet up with women I used to serve on a committee with.One thing I haven't done is have a friend my own age to go out places with,I'm happy to go out by myself and use my bus pass to explore places,not at the moment of course.We're just missing all the things we normally do.We're all different,it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with us.

I am inwardly very introvert, I’ve never held a party even for my birthdays. You choose friends for what you can do for them, not what they can do for you. Perhaps unconsciously, you have given off signals to your husband that his company is not wanted, so he stays out of your way. Thinking back to when you were first together, what did you do? Did you watch films, cook, garden, play jokes on each other? Maybe your husband is feeling lonely like you but cannot broach the subject (some men can’t admit to feeling depressed, sad, lonely and as someone said DAVE on tv are running a CALM campaign. Sometimes to connect with someone, you have to make the first move which is sometimes depressingly almost impossible. How about being totally insane and starting a new hobby that you and your husband could share, maybe you choose one and he chooses one BUT don’t shoot him down immediately if chooses something. My wife found that painting pebbles and leaving them around the park with an Facebook address on them created a new circle of friendships. Note I didn’t say friends. Is there anything you Or your husband ever wanted to try like something like metal detecting, photography, pottery, dough crafts, jewellery making, juggling, birdwatching, family tree, learn something new? Never think “I’m too old, serious, what will others think, I won’t be any good at it, it’s silly and most important never think it’s impossible”. Maybe you will realise that a) you are not socially acceptable, b) you find others are like you, c) you can do something about it by using Facebook, WhatsApp to start something new maybe a new club for the people who think they are Socially Unacceptable But Are Not.
But first go out into the garden or garage, pinch your husband’s bottom, give him a peck on the cheek and ask him what is he doing? If he says tidying up, offer to help. If he says he’s doing nothing, ask him what he would like to do. If he says he doesn’t know, take hold of the reins and lead. Suggest that you both get a drink and something to eat, maybe have a picnic in the garden and talk about hobbies, dreams you had when you were younger. Don’t get to the end of your days saying I wish I had done this or that.