Why am I socially unacceptable

Quizzer

My situation is fairly similar to yours so I do feel for you. For years, I would have liked more friends but now that I finally have a few more acquaintances and contacts, I find that I don't care to be sociable as much as I thought I would. I suppose that I am pretty cynical about myself and the whole human race which may be a factor in why I am not the most popular fellow. Or my insincerity in trying to hide it! Anyway, I hope that you feel better with all the friendly posts and realise that you are just a fine person.

Why are people spouting on about community when they probably didn't bother before? There were lots of our fellow humans enduring hard times in heartbreaking circumstances. People voted for Austerity policies. Vilified immigrants who we now realise are the keyworkers. And all of our countries rejecting migrants and refugees and letting families drown at sea.

All this brainless sentimentality about community spirit as if it's necessarily positive. Lynch mobs have community spirit and communities who used to scapegoat women who had children out of wedlock. Parish councils that refuse to allow a bit of social housing in their pretty villages. Communities have ALL the attributes of the human race, wake up!

I have three close friends who live in the same town as me. We are phoning each other once a week at the moment. In normal life we have shared interests. To have a friend you have to be a friend.I know people who only want to talk about themselves and never ask how I am doing. You don’t come over as being like that Quizzer. I can no longer have conversations with my husband as he has dementia so appreciate your husband while he is compos mentos.

Me too.
I have an unsociable husband a house I’ve lived in for 30 plus years but no real friends of my own, just those through my daughter .
My husband was ill for years, my daughter disabled & people i thought were friends just disappeared .
Last year I had some cognitive behaviour therapy which has really helped me develop coping strategies, I have had counselling in the past.
Now instead of beating my self up I am getting better at managing my insecurities and expections . My oldest has commented how much more relaxed I seem. Before I blamed myself for not seeing her, now it’s helped me see it was because she is a busy working mum.
Sounds a little thing but cbt has helped me a lot
Your happiness doesn’t lie in others but with yourself.
Have you thought of a singles short break doing something like cooking art where it’s a small like minded group.
I know this isn’t the drop in nearness you yearn but a chance to mix in a small
I am still lonely but I’m getting braver , I don’t blame my self as much , a work in progress

Your family seem to be keeping in touch very well. The eldest can't have a lot of time if a key worker and its wonderful that he makes a point of calling in the rare moments between home and work. Have you suggested you all have a group skype or zoom chat every couple of weeks? Also do you text? That is the way younger people prefer to keep in touch and you are much more likely to get a response to " Hi, how us your day going". My girls, husband and I have a Whatsapp group so we see all messages passing between us and can join in conversations or stay quiet as we chose. As for friends if there are none you associate with in normal times they will not contact you. Again have you tried a text message to those you want to communicate with? When this is over you should just ask the coffee group if they mind if you join them. They are not likely to say no. These groups often start spontaneously with noone specifically being invited. They just turn up.They may be thinking that you are just not interested. It sounds as if you may be being too polite. Stay positive.

Quizzer, I think some people naturally attract people, others don't. I'm in the latter group. I ask my husband if there is something wrong with me, he assures me there isn't but that feeling lurks and as I have always feared rejection, I find that inhibits me too. I have decided that if anything ever happens to my husband, I will move to somewhere within a community type accommodation as it is probably the only way I'll ever see people other than my children! When I look back, I have been like this all my life and have veered more to family where I feel comfortable. When I was at college I didn't dare sit at the same table as the others if they were already seated as I didn't want to impose myself on them if they didn't want me. Consequently when I left college, somebody remarked that I was obviously a loner. I was shocked. I wasn't a loner, just terrified! I have tried to work on this since but that feeling never really goes away.

Please try not to overthink this and maybe ring your family if they are at home rather than at work, they may have more time. We are one of the few species that seem to make really close connections and I read somewhere that people only have a couple of really genuinely close friends in a lifetime but we all look at each other and see otherwise.

I moved to my current town for work 12 years ago - at the time I knew someone who lived here but they moved last year. Since I retired 8 years ago I joined some clubs but more recently have had to cut some out due to ill health. I see others who join making friends and do lots of things together outside of the original club, but although there were people I really got on with and it seemed mutual, it never developed into close friendship - they made other friends and generally developed busy lives while still remaining friendly. So I have accepted that for whatever reason, I have to be content with making acquaintances, and friends are a thing of the past. It is sad because I am still in touch with former friends on facebook, and two invited me to visit and stay with them last year, but I don’t drive beyond my local area and have not felt up to the long journeys by train, even to my children - and was looking forward to spring to catch up with everyone. Now of course, it is a non starter. (I have a small house and the friends are not fit to travel to me either).
This is the way it is. At least there is phone, text and fb contact but for physical contact, when all this is over and I have been able to visit everyone, assuming we all make it, I am planning to look for an older dog whose owner has died, and we can share our last years together.

I think we all have lots of time on our hands at the moment and we can over think things. I’ve got 3 friends. One I was at school with, we meet for lunch 2-3 times a year. Another, I worked with 20 years ago and although she has moved out of our area we maintain a friendship through weekly phone calls and watts app plus we meet up, husbands too, 4 times a year. The 3rd friend lives nearby. I worked with her too many years ago. We used to be very close friends:Christmas and birthday presents etc, but now she has become very involved with her 5 grandchildren, frequent changes of new hobbies, become obsessed with walking every day on long walks and we have grown apart. People do change. Some may stay friends all your life; others come in and go out again when whatever it was you had in common is no longer there. I think it’s life in general. Moving forward, I’ve restarted old hobbies, thought about starting something new and hope to join things when the lockdown is over. It may lead to new friends or it may not. On the plus side, my 2 adult daughters who are in hectic busy jobs are now wattsapping us every other day on video call or use FaceTime. Messages are sent every day. I know when they return to work this won’t happen but we are making the most of it now. There’s a lot of good advice on this thread, some of which I’ll take up myself. This lockdown is a testing time for us all and allows us to be introspective.

No one likes me. I know why....people like optimistic, happy people who look at life through rose tinted glasses. I am a realist and probably say what everyone is thinking but won’t say . By that I don’t mean I make personal remarks, I am not unkind. I am just not happy and easy going .

Whoops - Meant to say "so don't worry about him"

Hi Interesting to read post. I can only say over the years with my friends there tends to be one who always does the calling. Annoying but way it is . I also have a less sociable husband but I do my own thing and join friends as 'me' I think important to remember we are an individual (not always be thought of as a couple). I remarried recently and can't expect my friends to necessarily get on with new hubby sounding worry about him - easy enough to
join more groups - U3a v good I hear., volunteer etc to form new friends. Good luck but I know not easy at moment - we can't even help with the current crisis being older sadly - wish I could as feel a fit 71 yr old.

But like Elegran you could see if any neighbours need any help

All I can say is you are NOT alone - pretty sure we've ALL felt a little like this, over these past days and weeks.? I love my three children dearly, but if I didnt make the effort to contact THEM, I really wonder if they would contact me . . .? (haven't tested that yet!) I think, when we look at Facebook, etc., we get a slightly skewed version of family perfection, which the media relies upon. Start new hobbies and interests - mine is gardening, which is pure escapism, and I love it. Do NOT let it get you down, I'm sure you are a lovely person! ?‍??

What is friendship, anyway? I suspect we’d all define it slightly differently. What the OP seems to want is the kind of BFF that you read about in chick-lit novels, but such relationships are rare in real life. I think it's more useful to look at the network one has, however it is constructed - family, neighbours, co-workers, acquaintances from activities - and use those in practical ways to develop a matrix of support that we each need.

I do know how you feel. After living in my present home for a number of years I finally started getting a few invitations from a group of women, lunch, cinema etc and I was more than grateful to be included. Then after my very unsociable DH was very rude and launched into a tirade about them whilst I was on a phone call with one of them (all the time moving around the house to try to prevent the caller overhearing him) the invitations stopped never to be seen again. I can only try to be as nice as possible when I come across any of them as I do not want to invite gossip about the state of my relationship.

Dear Quizzer.
I do understand how you feel. I think the most important thing to realise is that other people may see you differently to how you feel they do. People may assume as others have said that because you have a husband and family you are fine. It's also true that you can feel lonely in a room full of people. I live on my own and have 2 daughters,one nearby and one near london with childeren. We communicate daily on WhatsApp text and occasional video calls. I do however remember when I was their age how busy I was with work and family and how there were too few hours in the day. In retrospect I feel a little guilty that I didnt call my late parents enough,although it wasnt because I didnt care.
Friendships change so much as our circumstances change,some once close friends are no more,new ones appear. The older you get the harder it can be. I joined MeetUp which can be very good but that essential something that makes you click with someone is rare. I went on a coach holiday,not one intended for solos,and met a lovely friend which was totally unexpected. Keep trying and keep reaching out to other people,small acts of kindness are always appreciated?xxx

Have you thought about getting a dog?
I was like you, no close friends, but when walking dogs I found I would chat to people and eventually made acquaintances who then became friends.

All I would say is that the people I like and spend time with are those who are happy to share their true selves with others and are interested in listening to others in equal measure. I have friends who are listeners and friends who are talkers. One talker in particular is a very poor listener. She spoils some gatherings as she talks all the time about herself and her wonderful life with her husband who died 8 years ago. I know she gets lonely but if she was more interested and willing to show interest in others she would be more popular. Forget about yourself and just smile a lot and listen a lot. Always be positive, don't relate negativeness.
Don't be jealous of other's friendships, cultivate your own by being a friend. Leave your DH at home you don't need him for this.

Quizzer - First of all, well done for putting your comment on here. Second, I agree with everyone else in that you need to contact people yourself as plainly they do think you are well sorted, especially with your family contact.
Out of the blue, I got an email from a friend I used to work with over 3 years ago and I am determined we are going to stay in touch. I always thought she was sorted and had loads of friends, so was hesitant to contact her. Silly me!

Odd times make us regard things in odd ways.
Your initial post came over as rather needy, which can be very off-putting. You also are perhaps lonely, and that puts people off too.
You have regular contact with family, which is more than some have.
We will have all learned a valuable lesson by now: Appreciate what you have got, and stop dwelling on what you haven't got.
Negative thoughts should right themselves when this has all blown over, and as another has mentioned, the phone line runs both ways.
And if all else fails, learn how to enjoy your own compay: it's really easy!

Quizzer, maybe you give the impression that you are very self sufficient and independent. I have always admired people who walk in to a room and ouze self confidence and have verything under control - and there are people that do have this, but I think the majority are just as shy and reserved as you are but this is their way of handling the situation. At our age, who cares if we are knocked down, you get out there and take the initiative and phone people and go to gym (when this is all over) - there are many people like you and all they need is encouragement (like you) to converse. Do not think at our age we will meet a great friend any more, but even an acquaintance that we an say hello to is good.

Just think yourself lucky you have a husband, mine died 30 years ago. It would be wonderful to have someone to self isolate with. As a single friend of mine stated ‘I’ve never felt so lonely’

With respect, your high levels of neediness may be too much for other people to cope with at the moment when everyone is feeling stressed about the massive changes in their lives. It is not something to take too personally, but when stress levels are high, people do not seek out extra problems. You do not sound physically in need, you have a live-in husband. You have children and grandchildren. Perhaps re-framing your situation and counting up all the good things you have might make you appreciate your life more? I don't want to sound harsh but these are strange times we are living in and self-reliance is a valuable asset.

Quizzer, you may seem to be self sufficient with your committees, volunteering , and husband.

Are you bold enough to make the first move to get a real friend for yourself, not for you as part of a couple? What is the point of couples meeting anyway? It's hard enough for spouses to enjoy each others' company without increasing the problem by multiplying it by itself.
The 'first move' may involve a few repeated overtures to the selected person. If she or he is married this may be a drawback as spouses often feel they have to do everything together. Therefore I'd think a widow or a divorcee would be a better bet, but do be selective!

In my area there was a request for volunteers to help out collecting prescriptions, shopping etc for vulnerable people. Some wanted to help but could not get out themselves. So they volunteered to be at the end of a phone and call people on their own for an occasional chat. This seems to be working out well and some are meeting up and waving to each other when one is out on a walk etc. For some it has been the basis of a friendship. I met someone through a hip op forum. She is Canadian and a writer and we started to correspond. We met up when she last visited the uk and got on very well and have kept up the correspondence. I now regard her as a friend and we had our first zoom chat the other day. Maybe you could think of volunteering in this way. That way you can get to meet local people and hopefully start to get to know them. Good luck. It is t easy and I do think your children could make more of an effort!

It's very sad that you are feeling this way but I doubt if you are alone.
I moved and lived overseas for a few years and in the process, lost contact with most of the friends that I had grown up with or were friends when we were teenagers - several got married, so moved house while I was away. I sent Christmas cards and letters to their parents address but didn't get one reply and when I returned to the UK, and on occasion met up with them, I found that they didn't want to know , even though they still were all friends together and went out socially with and without their partners.
In my village, people tend to move in and move out about every 5 years so even though I met and spent social time with them, when they moved away, despite them saying that they would forward their addresses, I never heard from them again!
So now I have one friend that now lives in Turkey - we mainly keep in touch by email at Christmas and sometimes in between, one friend in Wales and one in Cambs . The one in Cambridgeshire I chat to most days on Facebook and in fact I keep in contact with a couple of schoolfriends on Facebook too.
That's ok by me and I am quite happy with it.

Quizzer I am sure there is nothing wrong with you. I am sorry you are so lonely. People are so busy in their own lives they probably don’t stop to think that you may be lonely and would like to join in things with them. Also most people, like you, are reticent about being too familiar and often leave it at just small talk.

Perhaps when this is over you can volunteer or join some things that interest you. You will then meet more people and get to know them slowly, finding people who are open to new friends.

I don’t have any friends either but am not lonely. I enjoy being with my husband and have never felt the need for friends but I suspect should I ever be on my own, I would probably feel as you do.

I hope you find your way to make some friends in the future. Let your husband stay home and don’t let him hold you back if you want to do something different. Life is short and must be lived as you want it. Xxx