Why am I socially unacceptable

These last few weeks have been awful for everyone, but a few people are saying it's been good that they're now communicating (text/phone/WhatsApp) with neighbours. Perhaps that's to do with more people at home during the day. Perhaps a sense of community spirit is raising its head

I'm wondering how your family and grandchildren are able to call weekly in the lockdown. We haven't seen our grandchildren since it started. We've seen our daughter twice because shes needed to bring us something. I'm glad to have my DH at home, even if we feel a bit tetchy with each other. I'm more than happy if he finds something to do in the garage or garden. Please count your blessings. You're a lot better off than a single person with no company at all.

I have no friends at all. Haven't had for many years. I speak to neighbours in the street for brief chats sometimes, but that's it. None of them have ever been inside my house nor I in theirs. And I have lived in this street for 20 years. My "best friends" are my dear husband of 41 years, my wonderful daughter (who still lives at home in her 30s) and our 4 cats. I enjoy online chat, on forums etc. Throughout my life, even in my youth, I generally found that, ultimately, friends weren't what they were cracked up to be.

tbh I am the same ,I dont have friends ,or people I can ring , my children face time every few days,, my grand children are all under 8.i live with hubby ,we are at a stage he does things in garden as well.tbh the lock down don't really bother me , as im at home a lot anyway.

Leading on from this, my stepfather lives alone now mum died 2y ago. He is 87y. We are stuck in Spain for the lockdown but rang him frequently.

Our youngest daughter came up with a great idea 2 weeks ago. She put herself, her older sister and me on a ‘rota’ to ring their grandpa. Extra calls are fine, natch but we each have designated days of the week to call him. I got 3 days, they each took 2. This way, as she explained, he gets at least a call every day.

Obviously we haven’t told him about our rota. We don’t want him to think he’s a chore! Anyway with all the extra calls at random he’d never guess.
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etheltbags1 your post isn't being ignored this time ?
I find it strange not having a "like" button on here, I'm sure it would help people feel more connected.

I'm another fan of a family WhatsApp group, it's a good way to share a quick photo or message and keep up with everyone's news.
Sometimes a phone call can seem more of an effort and can be harder to fit in.
Quizzer if you're not sure how to set up a WhatsApp group why not ask one of your children or grandchildren to get one up and running for you all?

Quizzer, I don't have many friends but one of my good friends is a Keyworker in a shop, she admitted to me she is exhausted and Im not sure she is coping all that well. This was after I dropped her an email. Ive had one friend contact me. I had taken the opportunity at Easter to text people, wish them Happy Easter and apart from one they all replied. Sometimes folk have alot going on. We may not realise. It's strange times and I have made allowances for that. Im so sorry though that you feel the way you do, loneliness is a terrible thing.

Hi Quizzer, I'm the same on here, sometimes my posts get ignored , I'm an individual, I don't fall into the nice middle class ladies on this site, I'm just me. I'm my home life I see my family on watsap only. If I drive to their home the just poke their nose out of the door, quite rightly to say hello. So I just stay home. I have a swim buddy whom I phone occasionally and she rings in return. My other friends live over 200 miles away so we send messages by facebook and two other friens in lockdown who dont bother.
Try to be self sufficient use facebook or sites like this, you could volunteer to be a befriender as I've done. This is just phone calls to vulnerable people during the virus but maybe it could last. Also sometimes people say I'm standoffish, I don't mean it , maybe you are the same, I think you have to be a teeny but pushy in this life I know its hard. Good luck.

I am rarely in touch with my friend since lockdown.
She posts comments on FB which I do not agree with, when Boris Johnson became ill she posted that he deserved it. I have tolerated her extreme left wing politics for thirty odd years but that was horrible, I berated her but she couldn't see what was wrong with her comment.
I am in contact with family infrequently but I can send messages if I need to, GC will just reply with an emoticon though.

It's a shame that all the small acts of kindness are not being commented on so much, in general not particularly on GN. I take your point seastar but so many people have helped others not only within the NHS but neighbours and even strangers helping others.

I think that the lockdown is getting us back to a community. Our road has a list with everyone’s name and phone number - I didn’t even know all the names before. It did however take one neighbour to take the initiative before we went into lockdown. It does mean that you can phone someone if you need help or you could just phone for a chat. We are going to have a street party once it is over.
In the same way our town organised volunteers- put a leaflet through every house in the town and you can just call if you want help with shopping or collecting medication or just a chat.
I would agree with doodledog and do a family WhatsApp group. It is a great way to keep in touch because people can just add a bit and send pictures as and when they feel like it.

I agree with Hetty58 and Elogran. Three calls a week from your adult children plus more from your eldest child and other calls from your grandchildren.
It would be nice to have close friends (I think it is more difficult when you are older) but I doubt that many people have that many calls in a week.

Hi. I don't think it is you at all. I think society has become like this. We are all getting more selfish and greedy. The days of the good old community looking after each other has largely gone I feel. People I have spoken to on-line have said that this lockdown has taught them a lot. Some are lucky in that people have checked on them etc and generally people like this and don't want this ethos to change when we come out of lockdown. It needs everyone to pull in the same direction and get back to values of caring, looking out for each other and not just being selfish, greedy and the " I'm ok Jack, sod everyone else" mentality.. There are some who only care about number 1 and unfortunately this has been growing, especially with the advent of those glued to their bloody mobile phones. So, I don't think it is you at all. I don't know how we can get back to the old communities - caring attitude - families stopping falling out and having long feuds - people thinking of others more. We have so many lonely people in the human race from as young as 5 up to 90+ and little is done. The human race stinks and I believe it is getting worse. What I do know though is that there are some lovely people who comment on Gransnet and Mumsnet who do care and I'm sure someone will have some great words of wisdom to help but to reiterate it is not you - it is the way things have become. I was listening to the DAVE channel tonight and they are trying to get people to care more by linking up with a group called "Calm" and getting people to think about others via their messages put on screen. It needs the majority to stop being gits and think of others. Quizzer keep posting on here so we can be assured you are okay - everyday if needs be. Your DH is around even if he doesn't communicate much. My DH was the same but he suddenly died, with no warning, 2 years ago and now I miss him like crazy. I would give anything to have him back even though he didn't talk much. I realised the depth of my love for him when it was too late. Sorry for going off on a rant but I want you to realise its not you it's the way society has become. There is however some hope - look how many people have responded to your thread and how many lovely people have hugs to send you. You are definitely not alone. There are loads on Gransnet who want to help. Please take care and keep posting - I'll ;look out for you Quizzer on here.

Quizzer, I feel for you but I could be writing this for myself. At the moment I am trapped in a lonely house with a husband that I don’t even like and long to get away from. I was looking at a flat just before the lockdown. I have a couple of really close and good forever friends but they live over 200 miles away. One has even offered me a bed until I get sorted but because of this pesky virus I am stuck here. I dont have any friends in this area and the way I look at it, I never will have. I do understand and it is so sad and I am sorry but I dont have an answer. Sending you love and hugs and saying that you are not alone.

I wonder if your children would respond better to something like a WhatsApp group? Mine are much better at texting/messaging than they are at speaking on the phone, and I know that this is true of a lot of younger people.

We have a family WhatsApp group, and it gets used a lot. The beauty of it is that you (and perhaps more pertinently, they) can use it to respond immediately and 'chat', or they can pick up the messages when they aren't knee deep in children, cooking and all the other things that busy families have to do.

I will reiterate what others have said about you making contact, though. My own mum never calls her children, but expects everyone to call her. She often starts conversations with a complaint that nobody has been in touch, which is very unfair, as we do all speak to her often. I started to ask her how many times she had tried to catch us, and of course she hadn't.

She claims that she doesn't want to bother us when we are busy, but my sister and I have pointed out over and over again that if she calls, we (me, my sister, and her 6 grown-up grandchildren) will see the notification and will ring back, so there is no need to worry about being a nuisance.

She still won't make the effort, but now we just say 'well, the phone works both ways', or 'oh, sorry I must have missed your call', and change the subject. If that could apply to you, maybe think about calling your children, even now and again?

Since the lockdown, however, my sister and I have arranged times each day when we speak to our mum to break up her day a bit. Could you suggest that your children do the same? Or are you up for a video call, using something like FaceTime or Zoom?

we've never had a lot of friends just the same few for 40 years.We worked in an industry that meant we weren't available for nights out or holidays when other people were .So what friends we do have tend to work in the same business or are people we met when we got married 45 years ago.
To be honest we're really loving being just the two of us ,we've never had the house to ourselves ever,until very recently we had a GD who stayed with us half the week and the other 3 big GC on a regular basis .Its really good to have time alone,despite the fact we've always lived and worked together ,we get along great

Blencathra

Spot on

I think you need to be the person to pick up the phone or send the email. I have done it to lots of people and they all seemed pleased to hear from me. I can’t say whether they would have been in touch if I hadn’t made the first move.
They probably feel that you are quite self contained having a husband and 3 children. I bet that if you were on your own they may well have made more effort.

I was just thinking that this is one of the situations where you discover much about friends, family and neighbours. And it can come as a surprise who keeps in touch and who doesn’t.

You think you know people but some disappoint and others come up trumps.

Re your general situation, it is hard to make new friends when you get older, especially if you’ve moved away from old ones. It’s just a sad fact of life. Nothing to do with you. It must be very hard with an uncaring DH too.

Keeping up with friends takes thought and work. I have friends from the day I started school, and who I grew up with. We will be 70 this year and meet up 4 times a year and always phone each other. I have many other friends who I’ve met and kept through my life and I have very dear friends who I have only known a couple of years. I have also lost friends through lack of thought on both sides, and have let things slip. My husband is unsociable and doesn’t need friends. I like people and love to socialise. Be interested in people and keep in touch. Pick up the phone or a text message would do. Write a letter. You make the first move. We can’t all be the same and that’s fine but if you want to nurture friendships , work at it.

I'm sorry you feel so .. would abandoned be too strong?

Being single, having lived all over the place and always worked, once I retired I needed a plan. I joined things, I organised stuff.

I'm sure there are things you could be doing that would be a godsend to people who feel like you do.

PS This lockdown is really taking its toll on people's mental health. Good luck

As most have already said on here, the present lockdown situation is giving us more time to mull over things and we are all feeling vulnerable.

Quizzer, when my pupils used to complain about having no friends, I used to say: To get a friend, you need to be a friend and make the first move, you can't expect others to always make the effort.

When I was at school, I was very shy and I could never push myself into a group, always waited to be invited. That doesn't really work, so I had to change my behaviour !

Do as others suggest and start being proactive when this si all over.

I don't think you are at all socially unacceptable Quizzer, its the strange circumstances at the moment making us feel more vulnerable and lonely.
Have you tried ringing some of the people you know from your groups and committees, they will probably welcome a friendly voice or e-mail. When all this is over do as Daisymae said and make the first move and invite a couple of people for coffee. In the meantime keep posting on here.

I think as has already been said many people will know you have a DH and children who obviously care for you and call in on a regular basis. When things get back to normal ask someone for a coffee when it seems appropriate. Don't wait to be asked to join in. Find something that give you some enjoyment and concentrate on that, especially in these difficult times.

MerylStreep Too true. There are many regular two-way contact calls that are equally shared, but I think these weeks also show a clear division between those who check up on others and those who wait to be checked on.