Why am I socially unacceptable

Elegran
As we say in our family: the road and the phone runs both ways.

Quizzer, I was very sorry to read your post. I agree with many of the earlier posts. I think at the moment many people, even those who are usually able to get through life's daily ups and downs, are feeling more stressed and in need of assurance. As others have said, this is a good place to find comfort and support.

Billybob4491, so very sorry about your loss. It is very kind of you to post when you have this sadness. Sending ???

Re-reading your initial post, I realise that you said "My three children and DGC have called only weekly as usual, apart from the eldest who has called two or three times a week" Sorry if this sounds unsympathetic, but I don't actually think you have too much to be sad about! You have probably only two or three days in the week without a phone call from one or other of them!

I'll change my advice a bit - start phoning people yourself to check that they are not feeling lonely and needing someone to talk to. Pick one of the more approacable of the people you were previously meeting regularly. Say something like , "This lockdown has gone on for weeks now, and looks like going on for longer. I wondered how you were coping with it. Are you getting on OK?" and then just talk to them . You will probably have a very nice chat - which could end with one of you saying "It was nice to talk to you."

If it doesn't - pick someone else and repeat the exercise. Sometimes you have to make the running, and very often you find that being considerate of someone else makes you feel stronger.

I wonder if you come over as a very together individual and people who know you would be surprised by your post. I don't want friends who live in my pocket or want me to live in theirs. Do you think that perhaps you should come to terms with who you are (strong and independent) rather than thinking you must have something wrong with you?

Quizzer - Since losing my husband a few weeks ago I found my friends fall into different categories. Some phone constantly to see if I am holding up, others write, a few have crossed the road if they see me approaching them, and it has certainly been a learning curve. So keep an open mind, have a good listening ear, and I hope things improve for you soon.

Perhaps you don't give the impression that you need other people? If your contact with your children has always been only when they were not busy with wotk etc, and you have been content with that, it seems to them that that is still OK?

Up until my 80th birthday last year, that was the case in my life. At that point, I thought to myself that I was getting older, I was living alone, and we none of us can predict what sudden health emergencies are going to hit us. I didn't want to be alone, immobilised, and waiting for someone to get round to wondering whether I was all right, so I spoke to each of my three children, telling them just that, and suggesting that we fix a day of the week when either I would phone them, and if I failed to do so, they would phone me to check I wasn't ill.

They were, of course, instantly concerned that I might good reason for thinking I might suddenly drop down, but I assured them it was just a precaution. However, I think it made them aware that I wasn't immortal!

Now, I chat three times a week with one or other of them. This works very well, They and I know that they or I will be on the phone on a certain day - and we are all kept right up to date with all the news of what the other family members are doing.

You speak of children, so you have more than one. If you have the same conversation with them that I had, I am sure you will set up a similar arrangement - you just have to admit to them that you would like more regular contact.

Perhaps your colleagues and acquaintances have the same image of you as independent and invincible. It is hard to admit to wanting more contact with others, but unless you do, they can't read your mind.

Quizzer, I do think that people might hesitate to ring because they know you do have a husband and are not totally on your own. I don't think it's you as such. I also find that there may be a bit of resentment or envy that you still have your man.
My OH still works full time and is not sociable so I find I fall between two camps. Usually spend hours on my own and find it difficult to make friends.
But ring your friends and chat to them. We need each other at this time.

Oh bless you Quizzer. We are living in the most strange of times. Hopefully you are just over-thinking all this. Being estranged temporarily isn’t easy. Messages aren’t the same as hugs.

You probably have a degree of sadness right now. That’s okay. It’s how you are honestly feeling. You are the owner of those feelings and they are valid.

All this awfulness will pass. Hopefully you will feel stronger then, less introspective. You sound like a lovely person, kind, helpful, self-aware. You have much to bring to the table dear lady.

Remember for all the talkers in life, they need listeners.

I’m sorry you don’t seem to have a special friendship and I realise that right now, this hurts. Well, it’s our loss from what I can glean.

Xx

I think this very strange situation may lead to rumination. Perhaps try to find a few contacts, connections, rather than friends.

I have moved around and what few friends I have are all over the place and there is only one nearby. You ask what is wrong with you, well nothing I'm sure, just maybe the lockdown is making you more introspective. If there are any tips I suppose they would be:
Don't talk about yourself all the time, take an interest in their lives and ask them lots of questions. People love talking about themselves and will think how nice you are to be so interested!
Don't talk about your illnesses or complain about your life. They will go away feeling down after the conversation and won't want another one.
Offer to help in any way if you can. They will appreciate that.
I guess those are the key things to making people like you! ?

How brave of you to write like this, Quizzer. You sound like someone who would make a good friend, you can articulate how you feel and seem to have good insight into what might possibly be reasons for your present situation. Wonder if you are struggling because of your OH. I wonder if that has been the case for some time and this has not only affected your 'friendships' with other people (like at your last home) but also your confidence. A difficult or anti-social person in your household is not going to encourage others to visit or you to hand out invitations, I should think. Putting yourself forward as a "single" and almost friendless person must be so very difficult for you and something which you don't want to do for fear of being hurt, I should imagine. At any age it's very hard to take a positive step towards making new friends. We all go through difficult times in our lives : not sure that the present circumstances fall into that - we are in the midst of something so disturbing and testing that we may not be the same ever again. But I am thinking of life changes and family changes, having children, struggling in a relationship, bereavement etc., all that can have a profound effect on our outlook and our characters. I don't think you can do very much to change your life at the present time but just struggle on. Do your DC work? Can they be more busy now than they were before? Maybe you need to pick up the 'phone and see if they will give you the time that you need. It's not all about giving, giving, just cos you're their Mum, they need to give back to you but won't if they just assume that you and your H are o.k. As others have said, you will have to wait until life gets back on track a little before resuming your activities, but make up your mind to do that with a bit more push, maybe. You obviously work hard and help on committees etc., You need to reap some benefits from that if only socially, so don't be afraid to suggest coffee or lunch or whatever, somewhere out and on neutral territory perhaps. Do you like animals? Could you volunteer as a dog helper/walker with a local refuge, where you would meet people to walk with sometimes? Could you help older or less able people, or what about searching for a job - something very local and which would get you out and meeting people, raising your confidence and self esteem. Good luck with what you do and please stay on Gransnet and contribute with some posts now and again, there are some very nice people on here who would be happy to give you their input and support.

You sound just like me. The only friends I have I have know for ever and don't live that near. I have lived here for nearly 30 years and have not got past acquaintance with anyone. I am not good at small talk. I have joined groups but never seem to penetrate beyond the first level.
But I know this is how I am and just accept it now.

We moved about 15 years ago. Not too far, but as far as many friends from my old home (where we’d lived 35 years) were concerned I seem to have vanished. Ceased to be. I only have two or three from then, who I know are forever friends, although not close.

I found at our new home I’ve had to really work at making proper friends and even then they’re still not close. It takes time - and persistence.

This is a subject that's been discussed before on here, and it always reveals that for some, their friendships are not necessarily as deep as some would like. (More just aqaintances)

There are a fair few "friendless" people (I'm one of them)

May I ask if your acquaintances are from your old location from 10 years ago or from this new town where you live now?

I have to admit, I'm not big on friendship either. I have friends but no ones messaged to ask if I'm ok. I've only been in touch with one friend because I heard she had the virus and was having a hard time. I did it to support her, rather than for me (not referring to a friend on here, in case you see it and think I'm talking about you!)

Maybe if we're quieter types, we don't need that contact usually. This isn't a usual time though.

Sending you good thoughts Q.

I don't have much of a circle of friends Quizzer. The ones I do have I value and they seem to value me. where I live there is not much going on, very little to get involved with and the group's etc that do exist are a bit of a "closed shop". I don't know whether it's the case that the groups and committees you are involved in have been running for years before you moved there and how long people have known each other before you got involved but it might be a factor. I do also think that when or if this is the case you need to be quite assertive, in an affable way, to involve yourself in the other activities they do together, like inviting youself to coffee meet ups etc. Not, necessarily useful advice at the moment but maybe something to move forward with in the future. Meanwhile, contact your family members more, don't sit back. Tell them that the lockdown is taking its toll because you're used to more human contact, you don't have to tell them everything, just that and see how responsive they are. Gransnet is also here for you.

Quizzer. Were you quite content and happy before lockdown?
Being at home all the time and not living our normal lives can bring issues up that wouldn't have worried us before.
It sounds as though you were busy and occupied and not missing having close friends. You have a family who keep in touch and that is very comforting for you.
Don't feel that there is something wrong. Not everyone needs close friends but if you feel that this is missing from your life you can do something about it once we are back to normal.

I am so sorry you feel like this Quizzer
Maybe the members of the group that meet for coffee all made the first move and just asked if they could come along, I know that is scary, but perhaps worth a try. I don't see why you should not be wanted, you sound all right to me.

As regards your children and the amount of times they contact you, that sounds pretty typical for busy families. So I don't think you are doing anything wrong there.

Perhaps this lockdown is making you feel a bit more sensitive than usual, it has given a lot of us a lot more time to think. You have my best wishes.

Agree totally with SueDonim,

Also these are very strange times and people are all reacting in their own way. I've just been 'told off' by one of my close friends for not responding to her message!

Maybe when all this is over you could suggest a coffee with your group members?

I do hope that eventually you can get yourself out there and of course, forums like these can be a help

Quizzer, I'm sure that you're overthinking and being negative (hardly surprising atm with lockdown).

You have children and grandchildren calling weekly, your eldest two or three times a week. That's really quite regular.

My opposite neighbour has outlived all her friends and family. She is 93.

She only had neighbours to show any concern for many years. Now she's been 'adopted' by some nearby people with small children. Their own grandparents live abroad.

We can relax, knowing that they will check on her and get her shopping. Please count your blessings.

When all this is over, perhaps you could invite people for coffee, a walk, a film, shopping - anything in fact. Keep inviting, saying casually that you'll be going and would they like to join you.

Quizzer I found your post very sad. In fact it’s brought tears to my eyes. I’m sure there’s nothing wrong with you. I tend to have friends that I’ve known for years but have picked up and lost several more over the years. It’s the way life is. I also think making true friends is more difficult as we get older as people tend to have their own families and longstanding friendships. Please don’t convince yourself that there’s something wrong with you and carry on being the decent person that you obviously are. You’re doing the right thing by joining groups and volunteering. Don’t look for validation outside of yourself. It’s a cliche but love yourself. Xx

That’s very sad, Quizzer. Do people know your Dh is an unsociable type? If so, that might be offputting for them.

I’ve moved about over the years and one thing I learnt was that you do have to ‘put yourself about’ a lot before you can make meaningful friendships. Often, too, the people you end up staying in touch with turn out not to be the ones you thought would be lifelong friends!

I can only say keep plugging away at it and also make use of forums like Gransnet.