Adult children living abroad

Sorry to hear of your problems. Our DD and 2 GS live in Dubai and were due to come home and stay with us for the Summer. Particularly with the self isolation that would have ben required when they arrived here and when they got back home, that has been cancelled now. We were due out there for 2 months for November and December to celebrate our Golden Wedding and Christmas. Flights have been booked since February but even that is in doubt now should Covid-19 return once all the restrictions are released. We also are no happy ....

Dressagediva
Really sorry to read your message. I can empathise with you. My adult children live abroad one in Tokyo the other in Dubai. I havnt seen my two grandchildren since last July n definitely won’t see them now till next year. I’ve lost my father to Covd19 my elderly mother is currently staying with me. It’s not nice not having family around especially in the current climate. Maybe your DD will realise once she’s calmed down and get back to you. I feel very alone often. I wish I could see family but they have to live their own lives. I console myself by saying you have to love them a lot more to let them go. Cheer up I know how you must feel.

Sounds like she feels guilty, helpless, useless, not there for you, and frustrated and feels there’s nothing she can do about it !

I have 4 “wee” brothers, one lives in Australia, while the other 3 live in the same town as my elderly parents. We were meant to be having a big party for mum’s 80th in April and my brother and his family were due to come home for a while. I know he feels rotten that he couldn’t, but none of us have been able to visit. That’s the reality of lockdown, whether you live 5 miles or 5,000 miles away. We are all stressed and upset. I am sure things will settle down between you and your family. I just pray for the day that all families can be reunited.

I find that you not only have to avoid 'upsetting' children and their partners, but also your own spouse, otherwise you fear he would call them and tell them to stop worrying you! So walking on egg shells for us mums, no wonder we feel lousy!

So many people are struggling with sadness, feeling of loss, insecurity at present. That would include your daughter, who probably also has added to that some guilt feelings at being so far from her parents, at this dreadful time.

So, her way of dealing with it when you tried to tell her about your emotions, was to go into defensive mode. Sure she is now very unhappy as to the way the conversation developed.

Send her a message saying how much you love her and, although you miss her, understand that she is really happy in her new adopted home, and her happiness is just about the most important thing for you. Apologise to her if she felt you were trying to impose your feelings on to her. Ask how she is coping - and just repeat how much you love her.

You are fortunate that you have your hubbie with you, discuss your feelings about your friends with him, always try to be upbeat when talking to your adult children - particularly at this time.

Dressagediva I feel very sad for you. Relationships with adult daughters can be a joy, but sometimes,sadly, a few words can turn into a big misunderstanding on one side or the other and it leaves you feeling wounded. I’m sure you’re asking “how can she be so cruel” when your intention was to share your week’s news - good and bad - and receive some kind words from your daughter.
Have you had similar times when an argument has blown up from nowhere and she has put the phone down on you? It’s humiliating and very inconsiderate to do that to anyone, particularly your mother.
I agree with others, let time pass, the hurt will subside, and try not to go over and over it in your mind. She may well have other problems within her family and she doesn’t want to burden you with them.
I’m sure your relationship with her is not damaged forever.
Us mums are very forgiving. Take care ??

?Perhaps it was a bad time and she was struggling. If you know you do your best you can do no more.

So sorry you had a rough week and your dd wouldnt support you the way you needed.

However, be thankful your dd told you exactly what issues she has with you.
This way, you can fix it.

Sometimes it is not what we say, it is how we say it and the voice.

If you can give us an example of how you phrased it, we could pinpoint orange flags if they exist.

MSJ7. The same thing happened to my son. His ex W stopped contact despite a court order and government guidelines saying that contact should continue. And despite solicitors letters Now that he is taking the matter to the family court for breach of court order, she has resumed the contact...... after 12 weeks.

It could be your daughter has some guilt of her own about not being there to support you and that is coming out. She shouldn't, but maybe she does.

Or could it be that you were unloading at her at a time she has a lot on her plate as well? Not long after my child died I had several phone calls with my mother where she was constantly complaining about much more minor things at work. It comes across as very insensitive and I stopped calling for a while. Did your daughter get a chance to share what is happening for her at the moment?

I'm not saying anyone is at fault. A lot of people are a bit fraught at the moment with everything that is happening.

We are living through stressful times Dressagediva and things are often said in the heat of the moment that we wish unsaid..
I would be inclined to let things lie for a while then talk to your daughter again.
Try not to dwell on this too much, your job probably makes you think of worst case scenarios. I hope things work out for you and your family.

I have a similar problem. My son is estranged from his wife and she has the three children living with her. During the lockdown she has not allowed my son to see his daughters. They live in the north of Scotland so we don't get to see any of them at all. Breaks my heart not to have contact, just long for a cuddle but nothing I can do.

Dressagediva sorry to hear about the argument with your daughter. Being far away makes it even worse. My two sons live abroad and in the past there's been some misunderstandings with the DIL. Like you I've never made them feel guilty and I've always tried to help them, bending over backwards in the process. I felt that I didn't deserve the harsh words but I thought it would be different with daughters. Sadly not. Big hug.