Adult children living abroad

I'm not sure that's it is that adult children don't want to support their parents of expect Mum to be strong all the time. I am willing to support my Mum, she's only human and has issues too. Support goes both ways. I do support my Mum but I don't count on her for support much. I'm more likely to talk to my father if I need a sympathetic ear.

Things to consider are, do you complain about the same thing all the time? Frequently? It's frustrating when someone does that, especially if they are frequently casting themselves in the victim role and you can see where they are contributing to the situation but don't dare say so.

What I have noticed with families is that mom copes with everything and is the one children and spouses depend upon when they face tough times. They can’t cope when mom can’t cope. It overwhelms them. Like the others said, give her time to cool down then call her as if nothing has happened. We’d like to think our children will support us like we have supported them but it doesn’t work in the same way. I think your daughter would be there for you when its really needed but it sounded like it was just not the right moment this time.

Red1 and Jefm, love both your comments. Which are spot on, as a mother sometimes you just can’t win.

In my experience children don’t want to think that their parents are vulnerable/ sensitive human beings. They just want to feel that we are strong no matter what and that they can always turn to us with their problems but can’t cope with the fact that we sometimes need to confide/moan to them.
They want to feel like the child not a friend. Share your feelings with your husband or friends.

This "passive aggressive" phrase is being used so much these days that I wonder if some people actually understand what it really means !
You have had a rotten couple of weeks with what is happening with those that you care about and I can fully understand that you are feeling down. If by telling your daughter all about it, she feels that you are being "P/A" , it's more than likely she is feeling "passive guilty" because she feels that she should be with you, or you with her!
Just be kind to yourself for a while. Put your family "problems" to one side for a bit until you can deal with the devastating news that you have had. Don't even think about helping out with childcare arrangements - your family are adults and just this once, they need to make alternative arrangements , as lovely as the feeling of being needed is.

It is horrible for you to be treated like this by your daughter. Especially her hanging up on you. And at a time when you are feeling low. The lockdown and uncertainty is having a psychological effect on us all and is probably affecting you. You must feel upset and miserable. Also angry, I would think, because it seems unjust. Why should she be able to express herself in such an extreme way and you have to suppress all your feelings. However I am sure you want to have a good relationship with your daughter. She has at least communicated clearly what she is hearing from you. Even if you don’t mean it, this is what she hears. She is hearing that you are sad because she is in Canada. That you are unhappy because of her. That you are angry with her because you are unhappy. That she is responsible for making you happy. That it is more important to you to burden her with your unhappiness than to protect her from it so that she can feel free and be happy herself. Your unhappiness about your grandson in Sweden probably makes her think of her children not being with you. And seems like a criticism of her too. If she didn’t feel responsible for your happiness, she wouldn’t feel so guilty and so desperate and angry herself. But of course, she can do nothing about all the things that are making you unhappy. Maybe make some space for her feelings. Acknowledge them as real. Ask her what you say and do that makes her feel like this. Say you are sorry you make her feel like this. If she feels heard she might be calmer. Then there needs to be some space for your feelings also, for you to explain that this is not your intention, that what she is hearing is not what you are saying. That of course you miss her but that you are not criticising her or blaming her, that you are responsible for and can cope with your own life, that her being free to lead her own life is what you want. A mother and a daughter are always going to have a fraught relationship. We never fully leave behind the adult/child dynamic. We push each other’s buttons in a way no other person can. But it is also one of the strongest relationships in life. When you are apart and can only communicate by phone, why not try to make that phone call one your daughter will look forward to, rather than one she will dread. It may feel unfair but it will be best for you both. I am so sorry you have had this horrible thing happen to you when you were already down. I expect it will pass one way or another. Good luck.

Cassandra264 of course agree everyone should express but when siblings are living abroad it must be difficult to give emotional support when they themselves may have to keep a lid on their already emotions like being homesick....etc and don't want to feel helpless. I guess this is a difficult one.

Don’t as a mum express your feelings to them. It doesn’t work sadly

I do agree with that jefm.!

I feel sad that I can’t go to Finland this year. My eldest son lives there and I have lovely daughter in law who video calls me many times a week and my son and grandkids are in touch all the time,so iam lucky there ,but miss them so much and the country of my birth .

Thank you all for your helpful insight into the situation I found myself in yesterday. It really helps talk it through. I tend to agree with some of you who expressed feelings and sadness isn’t always well received as our daughters / sons don’t always know how to deal with them/ I have resolved not to say anymore about it - obviously barking up the wrong tree so to speak. I will let things ride for a while and hope things blow over . My daughter did say ‘ I have disowned them because they don’t live in the U.K. ‘ I’m lost as to why she would say that / it feels like the other way around . Anyway thx again all

Hit post button accidentally. DD & family are excited I’m coming. DD has lived there 14 years. DS has had me here for 62 years, I now feel guilty about going. It’s so difficult

Jishere 'you can't expect your daughter to be your emotional support when she is miles away'.

She can't be there to give you a hug, no. You can't expect her to change her life to suit you, either.

But yes, you can give people support from a distance. You can learn to really listen to each other on the phone, however far away you are geographically, and acknowledge how the other person feels. Even if there is nothing that can be done to change the situation, that should help a bit.

Everyone has a right to their feelings.Expressing them appropriately is always more difficult...

My daughter lives in Tasmania & I came back from there just before lockdown. I’m almost 63, on my own & they asked me to move out there. I love the idea so I came back started making plans, then COVID happened. My son who’s divorced lives 150 miles from me, has 2 children. I hadn’t told him of my plans, now he seems to need me, FaceTiming, calling when he has children. I’m torn

Dressagediva123, I think your daughter doesn't really want to hear about your sadness and struggling. It makes her feel helpless as she's at a distance.

Your husband is with you for support, so maybe just communicate with her when you're in a more positive mood. Perhaps she doesn't tend to share her worries with you, to avoid upsetting you - so felt it should work both ways?

So sorry about this and I totally understand. My son and 2 GDs live in New Zealand and I very rarely see them plus my son not a very good communicator. It took me a many years to come to terms with them being so far away. In down times I would occasionally voice my grief and I know my son hated me doing this. I didn’t set out to make him feel guilty but I’m sure he did. In recent years I’ve resisted showing my feelings but did tell him I missed him in a low moment last week. He never gets cross with me but I know when he doesn’t respond much that it makes him feel bad not being here.
I think you’re DD could’ve been more understanding but I reckon our children think parents should be the ones to comfort them rather than the other way round. Selfish yes but I think that’s just the way many are.

Do you think there may well be a feeling of guilt from your Dd? Doesn't know how to cope with such sad emotions. If any of my family who live far and wide had said what your DD did I would be devastated. Your husband is right, why should you pretend all is well. Keep in contact as you usually do and ride over your daughter's horrible attitude. Think that the trip will be off this year is a good thing, give her time to grow up a bit.

I so feel for you. However the situation with Covid affects relationships and seeing family for all of us who do not live near our loved ones. The fact is though that when we talk openly to our children about our feelings I believe they have difficulty dealing with it or even accepting it. Issues with communication and my DIL have affected all of us . This resulted in my ex husband who has been a good friend of 28 years since we divorced pulling away from me. Then my dearest younger son has had a baby and his girlfriend who was wonderful has now taken exception to just one issue when she accused me of “ letting “ our gorgeous baby go to sleep when she wanted him to stay awake! We can’t win! It’s taken me 15 years ( my eldest grandson) to recognise that no matter how good you think the relationship you have is. Don’t as a mum express your feelings to them. It doesn’t work sadly . Yes I have helped them all too ie baby sitting driving hundreds of miles when they needed me, providing deposits for both houses, seeing them through uni as a single mum. I guess it just doesn’t count anymore. My younger son does FaceTime each week but my eldest hasn’t been in contact in 12 weeks of lockdown. If it wasn’t for me I don’t think he would have been in contact, I have said nothing but have felt very sad so dressagedival my guess is that as it’s your daughter as long as you stay cheerful at each call you will regain your relationship again .

I feel sad that I can't see my daughter & family.
They could be round the corner or in Australia it is the same depth of feeling.
You are not responsible for how others feel.
Equally you can only be responsible for how you feel.
Some telephone of online CBT Counselling can be helpful in these times to help us manage our unhealthy emotions which we find are disturbing us and rationalise what we can and can't do.
We can't change the situations but we can change how we feel about them, maybe with a bit of help from someone unattached to us.
Anger is unhealthy for us, an acceptance of situations can help us transition to disappointment/sadness which are less disturbing emotions, we still don't like it but we don't actively upset ourselves every time we think about it.
I have written some books about how you do this.
It's not easy to do this, is takes lots of practise
Author name Gill Garratt. The first little book is set in workplace examples but the book is for anyone wanting to learn how to do some CBT for themselves. It is Number 1 in kindle too but I love to hold a little book : )

Try to assess this calmly. How serious a quarrel is it?

It sounds to me as if your daughter must have had a stressful week too and that one word took another.

Leave it for now.

If when you are calmer and less upset about this you feel that she is barking up quite the wrong tree about your trying to make her feel guilty about not living in the UK, you could try saying or writing to her that you are sorry, if anything you have said, has made her feel that is what you are doing, but that you do respect her right to decide to live elsewhere.

Perhaps she was missing you as much as you miss her, but couldn't bring herself to admit it?

I feel for you and have had similar experiences with my 3 daughters in Australia. The good thing is that after some time we do mend the fences and move on. Life is too short. I also suggest leaving some time to reflect on both sides before reaching out. It may have been as someone said, a question of timing. Living away from home and in a foreign country has its fair share of challenges and some times our children do not necessarily share these challenges with us. I say hang in there.

I see it from the other side of the coin, left home when I was 18 and moved to another country. My parents visited me 3 time a year and wrote every week. Never once said they were sad about me leaving or struggling with it, just full support for my new life and family. My mother lost her son (my brother) but did not want to tell me until weeks later as she did not want to burden me and think that I would fly home leaving two very young children behind. always total support . Your daughter is feeling more and more guilty that she has left home the older you get because she cannot be there to support you, I would not offload on her at all, she has plenty of problems herself. Offload here or to friends in stead would be my advice.

Well there are a lot of us in the same boat, whether our children live far away or just down the road! It helps somehow...

Families and how to survive them! you say you work with them so you know first hand the potential problems.
i have a son who moved to ireland with his family,without the least concern for how it would affect me,another son just doesn't visit or call.Have I done anything wrong ,maybe i did,brought them up,bought them cars, put them through uni,set them up in business etc etc.Parents who dont care about their family get the better loyalty, fact.No one can quite hurt you like your family can.I have withdrawn myself emotionally from them,apart from the grandkids,it works better for me,as before i was in turmoil,i hope you get some balance in the situation

Sometimes I find myself in situations like yours where I say something to my daughter and she explodes. The next thing I know the phone goes down, I am blocked from being able to contact her and it hurts like hell. She only lives about half an hour away but it might as well be Canada. I used to spend many sleepless nights and my husband would be furious with her. Eventually something happens and she recovers her good humour so we get back to normal so nowadays it tends to be less worrisome to me although I still hate the unpleasantness. Normally, it is something I said that broke the camel's back. To most people it would have been harmless but with her luck and anxiety it is me who gets the stick. The therapist said it is because she trusts me to be there even if she takes her frustration out on me. Perhaps that is what has happened with your daughter.
Is it possible that you unconsciously make your daughter feel guilty without that intention? Maybe a card telling her how much you love her and you are happy she is happy wherever she is in the world will build some bridges.

Dressagediva I understand you have had a tough week and a big hug comes your way.
But there is that distance and to say you are struggling to your daughter who lives miles away will only make her feel helpless, guilty and pained and result in her being angry.
You say share your emotions, is that the relationship you have? Both sharing your emotions or as it changed now she is living so far away?
Yes it's been a tough week but you can't expect your daughter to be your emotional support when she is miles away.