How to deal with a person who never stops talking about themselves

Houndi and Furret. I think it is rather unpleasant of you to imply that people are selfish if they find it difficult to cope with friends and acquaintances who just talk non-stop without allowing anyone else a word in edgeways.

I would have a great deal of time for anyone who I know is lonely but the people I know who talk non-stop without showing an ounce of interest in the person to whom they are speaking are just self-absorbed and completely oblivious to the the need of others to express their thoughts and feelings.

In my experience, lonely people often find it very difficult to start up or sustain a conversation because they lose confidence in their ability to be of interest to anyone. They often feel more comfortable if the other person does most of the talking.

You referred to her as "an acquaintance", not a friend, so that tells me that you could just cut and run if you wanted to.
As others have said, she sounds lonely, but if being talked "at" for hours on end, rather than talked "to",is getting you diwn/annoying you, then perhaps it's best to cease contact.
It's really your call as to whether you want to take her on as a friend.....

You’re lucky that she is the only person you know like this because I find a lot of people only like to talk and not to listen ! Lily flower seems to have it sussed . As others have said I’d put her on speaker and get on with your jobs apart from hoovering ! I wouldn’t apologise if she can hear you washing up or whatever if she’s going to ramble on so much she’s got to accept you getting some housework done while she’s on !

Houndi

There for the grace of god go i.If we can't spendctime with a friend who is lonely.We need to look at ourselves and ask what kind friend we are

Well said Houndi nice to read a more compassionate post

“It's your own fault if you let someone go on and on then moan about it later!! “

I do not think that is the case with a ‘gusher’. I read once about some people having a torrent-of-words pathology whereby they have guilt, shame or secrets that they are afraid will be found out and so keep talking to prevent being found out.

I am married to a gusher. He is perfectly unaware that, in any day, he will continue a monologue which is happening inside his head all day. I have tried tactfully to stop him doing it to other people as he has made really nice potential friends run for the hills. His party piece is to tell any new acquaintance his life story with all the highlights from his adolescence.

His mother was the same - and she did have a huge secret she kept over decades. I know at least one other friend who cannot stop talking.

I think conversation should be a two way process and, living with someone who hogs the airspace, have some rules of engagement for being with others:- ask questions, listen to the other person and don’t talk for more than a minute without giving the other person a chance to speak. When relating anecdotes, don’t give a preamble, diverge or give details but stick to the outline. Take notice of the reaction of your interlocutor and, if they have a frozen or bored expression, cut your speech short.

Some folks think they have an interesting life, if, for example, they travel. However, the most interesting thing can be rendered tedious and, conversely, the most mundane thing can be invested with humour or interest by the skill of the speaker. This rests on their command of the language, their skill with timing and their sense of audience.

However, for friends chatting the rule is ‘half and half’.

jeannie I know two people like this and it is very difficult because, I'm sure like you, I don't want to be rude or unkind. When you can't get a word in edgeways and the person at the other end just goes on and on it is very frustrating - and exhausting.

I don't know how to deal with it either so can't offer any advice.

It's a shame really because, while I keep in touch with most of my friends, I never initiate contact with either of these people because I know it will take up at least an hour of my time and the conversation will be entirely one-sided.

Maybe introduce her to other people or bring her along to a class you'd like to take. Otherwise, introduce her to other ppl you know...maybe ppl.similar to her?

Some people can't turn it off...maybe she was just having a manic day. Others just run off at the mouth because they are full of nervous energy.

You could invite her for dinner and see if she's like that all the time...maybe it was just a weird one off...

She's probably just bursting to talk to someone.

Houndi

There for the grace of god go i.If we can't spendctime with a friend who is lonely.We need to look at ourselves and ask what kind friend we are

Disagree. Given the current circumstances of my own life I feel half burned out most of the time, it's affecting my physical health and I just can't spare the energy to deal with someone like OP's friend. I don't feel like a bad person or friend because I can't take on the needs of yet another person outside my family. Once upon a time yes I would have. Maybe I can again in the future. Good friendship goes both ways. I'm still a good friend, but good friends to me understand that I have limited capacity to support them fully at the moment. Anyone who wants to shame me for it is lucky to not understand.

You both have my sympathy. People who have been on their own over Covid may frankly have verbal diarrhoea. (I've found myself doing this, before now!) Was she like this before lockdown?
And now the tough question, is she the sort of person you can tell?

There are people who we meet in the course of our lives and perhaps keep in occasional touch with who are OK in small doses but you wouldn't want to go on holiday with them.

These folk are good to speak to from time to time, and let them know you like to keep in touch.

If they are on their own, try to contact them a bit more often now, because they might be lonely and will appreciate your call.

I have an old friend who does something simmilar but in writing! If I get a letter from her I have to save it until I have the time as it will consist of many pages of tiny writing about the minutiae of her life. I phoned her at the beginning of lockdown to see if she was ok as she lives alone a couple of hundred miles away. We talked for quite a while and although she does let me contribute to the conversation, much of what she spoke about had all been included in her very long Christmas 'round robin'. I stay in contact as I care about her and her friendship goes back a long way, but it is hard work.
The last time I saw her in person she came to stay for a few days in order to attend the funeral of a mutual friend. While at the wake I was catching up with another mutual friend and mentioned I was wondering where she was as we'd come together. The friend said "Oh , she can be hard to shake off" She then added "Oh dear, did I say that aloud!" while slapping herself on the hand! It was a relief to realise I'm not alone in feeling that way.
Sometimes it is a kindness to stay in touch with people who are clearly lonely as they appreciate our frienship, but it can be trying. I try to psych myself up to contact her occasionally as I know she really appreciates it. I think if she phoned me regularly with the amount of information about her family and friends that I barely know, as well as her health problems and other complaints that she includes in her letters, I'd have to employ some of the tactics suggested here. At least when it's all in a letter I can read it when I have the time and the patience.
I too live alone and sometimes find myself rattling on about my family etc but I hope I'm sensitive enough to realise if I'm becoming boring and I am genuinely interested in my friends' lives too.

I have a friend who often complains about other people who phone her and talk for hours. What she doesn’t see is that she is actually the one who prolongs the conversation.

I have read all your messages and thank you for your response.
I had never realised there were so many people out there so like this lady.
Many people have said it is very draining and it is but I would like to help her and will continue to work on changing the conversation but so far it's hasn't worked.
Thanks so much everyone.

Before lockdown a lady like this joined one of my groups. To make things worse she was not very bright and went on about her husband and his important job and all the things she had bought. It really spoiled the ethos of the group as we couldnt even chat about our usual topics without her jumping in to tell another story about herself.

I have a similar problem with an unmarried friend who lived with her mother, who died last year. I was very happy to help her through her grief, and she has come on so well, but now FaceTimes me at least 3 times a week, and talks for about an hour each time - I put the occasional word in. It is very hard but I know she has few friends, and gets lonely.

If she lost her husband last year I would imagine she is still grieving and people can behave in a strange way when they are greiving. She is probably lonely too and maybe lacks the confidence to go out there and make new friends and join clubs at the moment because grief can make you lose self confidence. Maybe she could do with some counselling? Losing your husband is probably a very difficult thing to go through and I think this is why she is behaving this way.

Your friend's life has changed, she's now alone and probably very lonely, maybe you can look on this listening as your giving her a helping hand. Be kind.

jeanie99 yes she does sound lonely. Interestingly you describe her as an acquaintance rather than a friend, it all depends on whether you want to develop a friendship with her. As Gingergirl says it's not down to you to be her only companion. I had an acquaintance like this who wanted to do everything with me and to have my undivided attention and usually only contacted me when she wanted something. I explained as kindly as possible that whilst I enjoyed her company I also had to make time for other people in my life and could not always be as readily available as she would like me to be. This seemed to help her to understand that she was not the only person making demands on my time. This may be something that could work for you too.

Houndi
After a particular bad period with this friend of mine where I think she was in training for the Talking Olympics I decided to add up the time I spent on the phone with her in one week.
In one particular week it was 6 hours ?
I have another ploy I use: after about an hour I say, jean, are you there I say this a couple of times and then say ( to myself obviously) oh, don't know what happened there and end the call.

I know this sounds very mean to some people but you really have no idea how draining this is.

This is a common fault in those who live alone.

I was fortunate to have a very honest friend who told me that that was what I was doing, when I was alone and tired of being alone. She reminded me nicely that good manners require you to actually listen to other people as well and ask how they are.

If she hadn't been so brave and honest, I would probably never married, as no-one wants a woman or man who can only talk about themselves.

Could you drop a hint to your friend that conversation is a two way street? And that if she wants people to be concerned about her life, she needs to show concern for theirs.

I know how you feel Jeanie99, I have two long standing friends like this. We don't meet now as we live too far apart so we just phone at birthdays, Christmas etc. Conversations are always very one-sided. They talk and I must listen! Any attempt by me to tell them my news is ignored and I know they're not really listening, their mind is only on what they will say next. Eventually they run out of conversation and we say our farewells.

I think one of these friends is very lonely. Following surgery a few years ago she's not able to go out on her own. Her husband is rather bigoted and unsociable. He always decides what they do, where they go and who can come in their home. They have no friends and no children, only extended family, and no hobbies or interests. With so little happening in their lives her conversation is all about doctor and hospital appointments and what their neighbours have done. I sometimes send her photos of our family, or crafting projects I've completed, but she never comments on them or even acknowledges recepit of them. I suppose I should feel honoured that they consider us to be friends, albeit long distance, and over the past 25 years we have grown accustomed to their ways.

We've been friends for many years and I like them both very much and value their friendship, but sometimes I dread hearing their voices at the end of the phone. I too have been known to ring the doorbell to escape a lengthy call!

She is just lonely and everything she wants to say builds up so when she finds someone to listen she can't stop talking.... You just have to be patient.

very wise lemsip

She is not alone.
I have two friends like her.
One phones to see how we are but never finds out because she spends her time talking about her family and people I don't know .
I usually put the phone onto speaker mode and grunt now and then whilst doing something else.
However I was caught out when I decided to tidy my desk drawer and spilled ink all over the carpet .
Served me right
Like Belleringer I have gone to the front door and rung the bell but one time stupidly I said that I would have to go because I could hear the 'phone ringing.
I covered it up by saying it was my mobile .

I live in a nation of everyone talking about themselves ,not interested in anyone else,Most are not lonely, but love to tell you about illnesses, others troubles etc.I just listen and hope one day someone may be interested in ME!