Gransnet forums


If we had a crystal ball...

(23 Posts)
annsixty Mon 06-Jul-20 11:30:21

How many of us would marry if we could see into the future?

I have posted on another thread about incontinence.
On that wonderful wedding day and the heady exciting years
(Or months in some cases) which follow , how many of us even considered how things could change, and if we had thought ,how many of us would still go ahead.
I suspect many of us would but I wouldn’t blame anyone for thinking twice.

To see the man/ woman you love change and become someone else.
To have to change and cleanup that person after the third/ fifth accident on a bad day is so hard and dispiriting and tiring.

We say for better, for worse, in sickness and in health so glibly without thinking just what it implies and that it may be a reality one day.

maddyone Mon 06-Jul-20 11:55:44

I know you cared lovingly for your husband annsixty.
I’m sure I would marry again, and the same man, but he hasn’t suffered any ill health and is still very active. I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m glad I haven’t got a crystal ball. Whatever happens will happen, and we’ll have to sort it out the best way we can.

BlueSky Mon 06-Jul-20 12:21:33

I wouldn't marry again my first husband but for different reasons, not health. I wouldn't think twice about marrying my second husband, of course health wise we don't know whether we'll end up carers or cared for by our partner. I appreciate it won't be easy but no it wouldn't put me off marrying the right person.

Sussexborn Mon 06-Jul-20 12:27:35

Working as a GP receptionist I remember one lady who had been caring for her OH for years, winking at me when other staff rushed forward to offer condolences when he died. Initially she was very confrontational but one day she tearfully admitted to me it was because her OH insisted that she “took no nonsense” from the surgery.

He would demand off copy prescriptions NOW, often when the doctors were not in the building or during busy surgeries. He also expected the district nurses to come immediately when he snapped his fingers.

With hindsight he was obviously a very angry frustrated man but he made his wife’s life unbearable. Hard to know if he was different before he became bedridden or had always been a bully in the home.

Lockdown must have been a nightmare for some people trapped in untenable situations as well as for those living on their own.

My OH’s family were almost Victorian and didn’t communicate at all whereas I had a large Irish quite noisy extended family As newly weds my OH didn’t talk very much but now he talks non stop particularly in the last ten minutes of an exciting tv drama!

GrannySomerset Mon 06-Jul-20 12:30:11

I have to keep reminding myself that we have had over fifty years of “better”, just that this “worse” is hard to endure. As annsixty so graphically describes, it is hard to find the love on a bad day when you are turning into someone you really don’t like. Not sure there is a solution though. We all live too long.

Illte Mon 06-Jul-20 12:34:09

I didn't mind the physical caring so much but he was very angry about his illness. That anger transferred to me and he was often unkind and resented that I had become his carer.

Nevertheless it was a good marriage until it wasn't and I never stopped loving him so I suppose I would marry him again even if I could see the end.

I think I'd be a bit tougher with him though and challenge some of that behaviour!

FlexibleFriend Mon 06-Jul-20 12:35:43

I'm divorced but I would still marry my first husband again. We were together 27 years and still talk on a regular basis, we had two sons together who are now fully grown adults but we still jointly look out for their welfare. As it turns out he is the fit and healthy one and I'm the one who's now disabled but I have no doubts had we stayed together we would have done whatever was necessary for each other.

Calendargirl Mon 06-Jul-20 12:42:25

I was reading the incontinence thread earlier annsixty, and not for the first time, wondered how I would cope if faced with similar.

I love my husband after nearly 48 years of marriage, and although he, like me, is ageing, he is still fairly fit and active, although quite hard of hearing (another story).

I wonder how it would be if he were no longer the strong and hearty chap he’s always been.

Can’t bear to think of it really, and just hope we both live to a fairly healthy old age and just keel over at the end.

My dear old mum used to say, “People don’t die to order”, and that is so true.

Teetime Mon 06-Jul-20 14:14:53

No I wouldnt marry again either times. I married to suit my mother and had children because of her pressure on me. I would have preferred a good career , lots of travel and lots of lovers.

lemongrove Mon 06-Jul-20 14:22:18

You are right Ann in that when marrying ( especially when quite young) we never really gave much thought to the in sickness or in health part of the vows.
I did marry when quite young, am still with him and still happy that we married, but realise that we all have changes, already here or to come which could be very serious.I only even started thinking about this about four years ago.

kittylester Mon 06-Jul-20 14:24:17

Behave Teetime!

I was going to say that I hope that I can cope as well as you did anne. I know it was hard at times but we all admired how you managed the difficulties.

I know I wont be anything like as capable and DH would wish he had married someone else.

I would marry him again though as he has the patience of a saint and would be a wonderful carer. His father was too.

sodapop Mon 06-Jul-20 18:06:10

I asked my daughter this question when my son in law died aged 32 leaving two very young children.
She said yes of course she would do it again as they loved each other and she had two lovely children from the marriage. This was after she nursed him through cancer for 18 months.

BlueSky Mon 06-Jul-20 18:32:50

Oh Sodapop...sad

DanniRae Tue 07-Jul-20 09:06:42

I knew when I got married that it was a mistake but felt I couldn't get out of it. Two wonderful children and 3 grandchildren later I still feel I can't get out of it because they would all be devastated. So I stay but am so envious of people who have a husband they love - I can barely stand mine. But my family's happiness is more important than mine......sad

travelsafar Tue 07-Jul-20 09:09:54

If only ................

Anniebach Tue 07-Jul-20 09:14:12

My husband died after only 8 years of marriage , we had two lovely daughters and now have three lovely grandchildren .

Being widowed young with two little girls to bring up alone was hard going, but yes I would marry him again.

Liz46 Tue 07-Jul-20 09:14:27

I have been with my second husband for about 28 years and we still get on very well. I was ill for a couple of years and he helped me, took me for hospital appointments etc.

Now, my health is still not perfect but my joints are in better condition than his!

Hetty58 Tue 07-Jul-20 09:24:37

We all have a choice, every day of our lives, whether to carry on coping - or admit defeat and walk away. Whether married or not, we feel a duty to care for our loved ones.

At one point, totally overwhelmed by looking after four children and a sick husband, worried for my own safety, I seriously considered leaving. Only my (stupid) pride stopped me seeking help.

Looking back, I was an idiot.

DanniRae, to sacrifice (and waste) your own life and happiness for the sake of your family is ridiculous!

Greyduster Tue 07-Jul-20 09:37:53

A long marriage can sometimes feel like a bit of a treadmill even if you have loved each other constantly, and especially if you become that person’s sole carer. A friend with a husband whose long illness became increasingly debillitating was tired to the point of exhaustion when one day he was calling out for her to help him, and she told him irritably (and totally out of character) that he would just have to wait - and then he died. She has been consumed with guilt ever since, though their marriage was a long and incredibly happy one. It could, and may, happen to any of us. In answer to the question would I marry again? The same man, in a heartbeat.

lovebeigecardigans1955 Tue 07-Jul-20 09:39:27

Would I still marry my dear late husband again if I'd had a crystal ball? Yes, I think I would as we were made for each other. We had 30 good years before MND took him away.

However, knowing then what I know now I would have tried to make sure he had a less stressful job as I feel that this (along with other unknown factors) could have contributed to his becoming ill.

Oldwoman70 Tue 07-Jul-20 09:40:09

DanniRae Don't think your children are unaware of your unhappiness. My parents should never have married - Dad was on the rebound from a broken engagement. Growing up I knew how unhappy they were together.

You should speak to your children, tell them how you feel - I think you will be surprised at how supportive they would be.

mokryna Tue 07-Jul-20 09:45:10

If I hadn't married, both times it didn't turn out as I would have wished, I wouldn't have had my wonderful daughters and grandchildren.

sodapop Tue 07-Jul-20 12:45:00

Yes I think that's the crux of the matter for a lot of peoplemokryna we wouldn't have had our children and grandchildren if not for the marriage.