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Struggling but wont tell a soul and nobody knows

(22 Posts)
PurpleStar Thu 06-Aug-20 09:39:45

Morning everyone,
I know times are worrying at the moment and we are all affected in some way,but I'm feeling so low.I do go through phases of feeling off,I'm an expert in faking happiness,and would not share my feelings with friends/family.I have in the past sought out counselling,hypnotherapy,phsychiatric counselling.It stems back to abuse,when I was young.Two of my children were also abused by 2 "trusted" men(married to family members) no consequences as my children refused to press charges.Their wives were told and both men admitted every vile thing they had done.The wives stayed with the men! It was years ago now but sometimes my anger comes back and I cant deal with it.Who sticks by a paedofile husband.One of the men I see every now and then,playing the devoted husband,father.I find when I'm on my own,usually 12 hours a day when DH is at work,my mind gets busy.I do try to get on with life and have plenty to keep occupied.But sometimes,like yesterday,I wanted to curl up and do nothing! With the Covid 19 to add to my worries and lack of normal life,being able to go out and distract my brain,I feel I'm going crazy.I have alot of health issues and severe Arthritis,despite only being in my early 50's.So I cant just "go for a walk" I also eat my feelings,and have gained a good bit of weight,adding to my woes.What steps can I take to really help my mind,and keep positive and get my eating back under control.Sorry to waffle on.I feel just by writing this it has helped.

Pantglas2 Thu 06-Aug-20 10:05:45

If writing that helped, how about doing it everyday in a journal? All your thoughts and feelings could be ‘taken out of your head and onto the page’ as it were and might be cathartic in some way.

I won’t pretend to know how you deal with the horrendous abuse you and yours have suffered but you have come through it in spite of others disregard. Look for happiness wherever you can find it, it really is the best revenge 💐

Alexa Thu 06-Aug-20 11:02:16

you are dealing with a big problem involving evil so no surprise your emotional energy gets worn out.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with your brain and state of consciousness. If you are religious, and of course I don't know whether you are or not, you can mentally hand the problem over to God to deal with.

If not religious like that you can remember it is not your task to make others good , it is your task to be good yourself.

Obviously you begin from the right place, which is you understand the nature of evil, so you are already good and need to build on that base.

annodomini Thu 06-Aug-20 11:18:22

You have done the right thing by writing about your experiences here. Sharing your unhappiness with others is good but I sense that you really need a shoulder to cry on and someone to hug you. I hope you have some real friends you can unload on. What you need is not advice, but empathy and love.

PurpleStar Thu 06-Aug-20 17:05:52

Thankyou to you all for replying.Also for your compassion.I know we must all have some struggles.Writing a journal is an idea.At the moment I have no one to chew all this over with,I have one close friend who was abused by someone who is in the family,and she has to face him at family celebrations,so she 100% gets me.Sadly due to Covid 19 and her working,we cant have a hug or be a shoulder to cry on.I need to stop eating my feelings as it makes me feel worse,but breaking the cycle is hard.Today I haven't turned to food and I tried to do some painting.It wasnt any good but I really enjoyed in and it occupied my mind.I'm not religious,I believe in being a good person and helping others,attend church for important occasions only.I guess we cant escape our pasts bit learn to deal with the horrendous actions of others.This pandemic really doesnt help! Thankyou everyone,this has helped alot and today has turned out to be more positive smile

Grandmabatty Thu 06-Aug-20 20:07:39

Well done for a positive day. Painting is a great hobby and you can be totally absorbed for hours which will help dispel the negative thoughts. YouTube exercise classes for older people and you can do what you are able to. Exercise definitely helps positive thinking. Ten minutes at a time. A journal is a good idea but if you find it overwhelming, then think of three good things that happened that day and write them down. They can be as big or small as you like.

Luckygirl Thu 06-Aug-20 20:12:26

It is so hard when we feel low to find a way to get on top of things - and you surely have so many tings to feel low about.

I have found that simply making a record of everything I have achieved each day helps me - even if it is just getting up and dressing - sometimes that feels like an achievement!

Just wanted to send a hug.

rosecarmel Thu 06-Aug-20 20:30:41

Absolutely agree with Luckygirl, PurpleStar- It's one of the best pieces of advice ever given to me many years ago that pulled me up and through difficult times- 6 tasks, no matter how small- I'd include breathing as an expression of gratitude-

Jaxjacky Thu 06-Aug-20 21:07:14

As Luckygirl said, keep a note of all achievements and, congratulate yourself on every one, but don’t beat yourself up if you couldn’t do it, there’s always later. Maybe make a little list every day, move to the next days if they all didn’t get done, small steps. Good luck

rubysong Thu 06-Aug-20 21:07:34

You have every reason to feel angry and upset Purplestar. Safeline is an organisation which offers advice and support to victims of abuse and their families. Maybe they could offer counselling or point you in the right direction. Remember prosecutions can go ahead even after many years if the victims change their minds. The fact that one of the offenders is still around must be awful for you and make it difficult to get any peace.

PurpleStar Thu 06-Aug-20 22:28:20

Thankyou so so much to you all.I love the ideas and suggestions.
Rubysong,thankyou.Fortunately my 2 children who were affected say that they are honestly ok now and never want it to go further.I get so angry that the wives stood by the men! I know I couldn't! But moving on,I have to learn to deal with things again.A global pandemic has heightened everything! Luckygirl,I really love your suggestion and thankyou for the hug,I feel it.I have learnt,and stick to getting showered and dressed after my first cuppa of the day otherwise it has a really negative knock on effect.I might try Yoga or something on YouTube.Im really limited despite being young ish but I'll try.
Sincerely thankyou everyone,you've helped so much thanks

JuneRose Thu 06-Aug-20 22:36:35

I've never been abused so I can't know how that feels but I do over-think constantly and nearly drive myself crazy worrying and stressing over certain things that I can't solve. Also I comfort eat. I think more of us do than would admit it. I've had a terribly anxious day today. Can only hope tomorrow is better - for all us worriers.

PurpleStar Fri 07-Aug-20 10:36:11

JuneRose,sorry you are struggling too.Luckgirl suggested writing down things that I'm thankful for.So last night I wrote down 3 things from the day that I'm thankful for,and honestly it helped so much.My mind kept wandering back to those positive things and outweighed any negative thoughts.Im going to do it every day and when I'm full of negativity I will swap it with the positive,thankful things.I also had a healthy eating day,I will just take one hour at a time and try.Life was tough for most of us before 2020 and even harder now.Wishing you all the best and reach out to Gransnet,I'm so glad I did yesterday flowers

Serendipity22 Sun 09-Aug-20 11:10:21

PurpleStar I cant begin to understand what you have been through, I could cry when reading your post thanks

I can only put my little but of advice.

I was adopted, at 6 weeks old, I have done the past 10 years written 6 books, all with the bones of adoption. The reason for me telling you this is because it has helped enormously, I have laughed, cried, been angry, it has been so very helpful, it hasnt been a magic wand to instantly erase my feelings, but what is has done is get them out from monopolosing my mind and into a story.

Whatever you do and whichever way you do it , you must take charge and control.


PurpleStar Mon 10-Aug-20 19:29:37

Thankyou Serendipity22,amazing that you have written thise books.Im glad you have found something to help you.I do agree that I must take charge,I mostly do but some days it's hard,like the day I wrote my post.Since then I feel in charge and have coped much better than I have done in a while.I wish you well thanks

phoenix Mon 10-Aug-20 19:49:28

You say something along the lines of "no consequences, as they refused to press charges".

Surely there are consequenses, even if not legal ones?

Sending every good wish to you and your family, flowers

Smileless2012 Mon 10-Aug-20 20:04:31

You're right phoenix there are consequences and for me I think those consequences were greater because no charges were made when they could and should have been.

If you need to curl up and do nothing, that's OK Purplestar. It's OK to be angry too. Try to remember the 'good' days. Those days when you feel as if you're in charge and have coped better.

You could mark those days on a calendar with a smiley face and the days that you struggle with a sad face. At the end of a month, think how empowering it will feel to count more smiley faces than sad.

When my sadness and/or anger feels as if it's getting the better of me, I imagine I'm on the beach and a huge wave is fast approaching. I can't stop it or out run it, so I let it wash over me in the knowledge that when it goes back out to sea I'll still be standing flowers.

PurpleStar Thu 13-Aug-20 09:10:01

Thankyou for your comments Smileless2012 and Phoenix.I meant "no real consequences" for the men involved.The wives were told,the men admitted everything,yet the wives still stuck by them.That's the bit I still struggle with.One of the wives WAS a close friend and couldn't understand why I cut her off when it came out! My 2 children that were the victims say they are fine,they were groomed and sexually assaulted,it was bad but could have been worse.It did happen quite a few years ago and when I found out it was 5 years after events.Theres no way I would stick by my husband if he had done those things,I would have reported him myself! I just dont understand how some women can be so stupid,weak and forgiving! Anyway,thankyou,this has helped me so much and I've not had a bad day since I wrote this post smile

Smileless2012 Thu 13-Aug-20 09:14:06

It beggars belief doesn't it PurpleStar, and how could their wives be certain their husbands wouldn't repeat their appalling behaviour?

It's good to know that you've been helped by the responses you've received and you haven't had a bad day since you made your OPsmileflowers.

Tweedle24 Thu 13-Aug-20 09:42:03

Purplestar so sorry you are feeling so down. I just can’t imagine how you have coped up to now with all that has and is happening. I don’t, either, have the wise words some if the other posters have sent. I wonder if it would help you to talk to someone? If you are in the UK the Samaritans can be a great support. You don’t have to be suicidal to talk to them. If not in the UK, I am sure there are similar organisations elsewhere.
Look after yourself.

FarNorth Thu 13-Aug-20 10:05:45

Purplestar I've just seen this thread and I'm so glad you've been feeling a bit better lately.
There are such helpful posts on here, from people wanting to help you, and I'm sure others besides me will be cheered by reading this thread which you started. sunshine

PurpleStar Fri 14-Aug-20 16:55:53

Thankyou for your lovely responses.I have had counselling,therapy over the years.Close family/friends would have no idea I still struggle on some days.Theres just no closure to it.Even if we had pressed charges and say they had been sentenced,I think the wives would still have stuck by them! I am still.feeling so much better since my OP,proving it helped me to offload.
Take care lovlies and thankyou thanks