Asking their son or daughter "What kind of a mum was I?"

If I were asked that question by my Mum my reply would be.......

Mum what do you think of me? Do you think i'm a good person? Have brought my children up well and am I still a good supportive Mother to them?

If the answer is yes then I would say - well that's because of how you brought me up .

If the answer is no then I would say - well that's because of the way you brought me up .

Calendargirl that's my experience too!

Mine say I was wonderful, I wasn’t, I drank !

To be honest, I don’t feel I need their affirmation. They got what I could give them, it wasn’t perfect but we remain close despite huge distances between us, including one in NZ, and we all chat every day via WhatsApp. I keep the guilt I might have about my parenting hiccups buried in distant recesses of the mind; to uncover it could open a Pandora’s box!

I dont think i was a particularly good mother, or a bad one either, i mean i love my kids, always did, i did most the stuff mothers are supposed to do, but if being a good mother is baking cookies and sewing dresses then i guess i wasnt.
But i raised three smart, intelligent, independent human beings who sill love me so i guess i must have done somethings right.

Sometime ago, I was having a conversation with my son and as things do, the topic drifted to the past (which was actually a really difficult time in many ways).
He said that he never realised how hard it was because "I was just really happy" and for me, that meant I'd succeeded.....

Bbbface that's right. I've kept all the little things that were made at school, mother's day cards and little gifts etc, plus the more recent ones too. (Loads and loads of stuff) The handwritten messages inside them are funny and loving and let me know that, now he's an adult and a parent himself, he appreciates the childhood he had and that I'm still here, waiting in the background, for if or when I'm needed again.

@serendipidity

Why do you think your daughters childhood was so unrelentingly negative?

Has your child never given any indication OP?!

Mine have always told me “best mum in the world!”

I've just phoned and asked my DS, " DS, what kind of a mum was I when you were growing up?" His reply, "You were great mum, now bugger off, I'm working". That'll do for me!

Altho far from perfect, I do now accept what others have said to me, that I was a really great mum to my 3. The fact I am still very close to them all speaks volumes. With having an extremely dominating mum myself, I always tried to strike a happy balance with boundaries, without squashing their spirits and interests. When we have get togethers my 3 always speak of their childhood with such love and happiness, and even tease me about the “mistakes” I made too. So altho I’ve had no success with the men in my life ? I do feel I was a success as a mum.

My Mum asked me once had she been a good mum? It's an awful question to be asked as it puts the person in such a difficult position - if she hasn't do you tell her or do you lie? I told her that she had done the best she could and she was not happy! There was such a lot that she could have done much better: there's 3 of us sisters and one thinks she must have been brought up in a different place to the other two as our memories are so different from hers.
At 67 years old I am still struggling with the after effects of my childhood as it has impinged on my life to a huge amount.

Awww bless you. You sound lovely....I’m sure you would receive the answers you would love?

Wow, thank you for your post Toadinthehole.

That is just so lovely, so there you are thinking totally opposite from your DD concept of you, her mum.

That was a really lovely, lovely message to read, I am absolutely sure.

I suppose there is an element in my mindset, dwelling on the fact I need and have always needed, to not disappoint, type of thing !

Anyway, I can see that yes, it could be opening Pandoroa's Box as Sparklefizz has posted.

......and talking of Pandoras Box I am in the process of obtaining my results from Ancestry DNA to TRY and trace my natural father !!! BUT THAT'S ANOTHER TOPIC TO POST

Thank you everyone for your posts, appreciated.

I would get a different answer from each child as your abilities as a mother are relatively personal to said child as their needs are different and unless you have recognised every need and addressed it you will probably have not been as good as they wanted! If your children love and respect you then be happy you have done your best.❤️

My mum was abusive and I remember her asking me this question and knowing what my answer had better be lol

I don't know if I would ask my kids this, they generally tell me what gets on their nerves. I sometimes don't feel appreciated (which is important for everyone) but I think that's mostly in my head and I do feel loved.

This has made me think that I haven't told my dad I love him and appreciate him for a while and I will do so

fevertree ... I understand that one ...'when I knew better I did better'. I did the best I could in the context of what I knew at the time with the issues I was dealing with at the time. That is why I have been/am a better grandma that I was a mother. I think I was 'good enough' and I have to be content with that. Relationship with dd is excellent but she is a lovely kind and forgiving person.

I wonder if your DD is finding life hard at the moment Sparklingsilver. It is so easy to blame current difficulties on our parents / upbringing. Try not to take it to heart

A very moving post sparklingsilver.

This is indeed a Pandora Box moment - Sparklefizz.

My D leaves me with no illusions. Awful childhood full of negatives. Like many, I did my best in very difficult circumstances. Coping with a difficult husband and the colourless featureless well home life became.

My late mother in the finally weeks of her life said "what would I have done without you - no one could have asked for a better daughter. I am so proud of you and I wish I was leaving you a rich woman".

She did leave me a rich woman perhaps not in the manner she meant. My life would have been nothing without her inspiring example that gave me strength and courage. When my D is so negative, I think of her and find solace.

You see Serendipity22 opening Pandora’s Box is perhaps not such a good idea. The illusion sometimes better than the reality.

Sorry, that should have read, there’s been a week between our discussions and her email, which came today.

That’s really weird Serendipity. Just today, I’ve had a lovely email from one of my daughters telling me what a lovely mum I was ?. It came about, because a few weeks ago we were talking, about gransnet actually. I was discussing how many grans plan to sit and do all sorts of things with their grandchildren, baking, making things etc. I have no interest in this, and couldn’t even remember doing it as a mum. My daughter reminded me of all the things I did do, and what a happy childhood she had. It brought tears to my eyes. All my children have said they had a great childhood, but never mentioned specifics. So this was prompted....unintentionally, by me saying I felt I wasn’t as good as I could have been. So maybe you could do the same, rather than ask them directly. A week had passed since our discussion, and her email. She’s obviously been pondering over it. My gut feeling is....you were just right, because your mindset is there now, so most likely was as a young mum. Hope you get your answers?

I was told yesterday that at least all my children are 'normal'. All my friends seem to be dealing with single mum's, divorces, illness or problem grandchildren. Just when they thought they could retire in peace their lives are disrupted.

Firstly, I think it was Maya Angelou who said When I knew better, I did better (I have quoted that to my children from time to time )

Secondly, there was a time when I would have been very critical of my mother who sadly died when I was 45. Now that I am 71, I realise how lucky I was and what a great mother she was despite the difficulties she faced as a single mother raising three children. The point I am making is that people see things differently over time - so there is no point in asking my children now - and I hope for the opposite of what Shakespeare said in that I hope for the good that (wo)men do lives after them, the bad is interred with their bones ...

I agree with geekesse
There is no such thing as a perfect parent- we all learn as we go along, but if we have a good relationship with our children once they are adults and if they seek us out, then we must have done something right.

Having said that I don’t think I would like to ask them outright !