Asking their son or daughter "What kind of a mum was I?"

Well done Keffie your children are a credit to you.

Keffie I take my hat off to you ?

PS: All my adult youngsters are happy, well, good jobs, one is happily married and children, one still at home who has health issues, the other two doing well too, so the fight to keep us together to help them recover as well as me and them seeing me happily remarried means I couldn't have done as bad a job as I thought I had ?

Because of my difficult life story and the divorce from hell from their biological father I developed health issues.

Its too messy a complex personal story to go into however I used to think I was a bad mom.

Although my adult youngster's were bought up practically properly, emotionally they witnessed violence from their biological dad.

We fled domestic abuse finally after 16 years, were hidden homeless, the child servces became involved and I had a fight noone could get unless you havs been involved in the system to keep my family together and rebuild our lives, actively very unwell then.

Much therapy etc over the years and one day I was talking to my 2nd son a couple of years ago and said I had worked through stuff in CBT about being a bad mom.

He looked at me as if I had gone mad and was shocked to the core, I had thought that.

He said "Mom you are the best mom in the world cos with all you went through too, you hung in there, you never gave up the fight and fought against a system you weren't supposed to win to keep this family together. Its not pretty, pretty picture of smiling mom making cakes and laughing with father playing the piano. Its a picture of true love and grit against the odds" he said

His siblings couldn't believe it rather. Just goes to show what we think isn't always right. Still makes me tear up when I think of that conversation

Sorry I actually meant to ask sparkling whey she thinks she gave her daughter such an “awful childhood”

I have often thought that I made so many mistakes as a young mum. I was doing my best but remember shouting at them when they were driving me to the point of distraction. I have said this to various people and the answers have been along the lines that my girls are such lovely people that I must have been doing something right. Also, they and my adult grandsons/girl friends visit us regularly, arrange nice things for us and are there for us when there is a problem so have they forgiven us for our shortcomings? However, thinking about it we have supported them through problems and helped a lot with childcare. I still don’t want to ask them.

I know I did my best. That is all you can do. Yes, I would get a different answer from both my children, who were very independent and strong willed! My D has said that I was too soft! They have grown up to be successful both in relationships and the world of work, so maybe I got something right. Don't see much of them though.

I've told my boys how brilliantly I did.

Maybe I should ask my two sons ?

One thing they tease me about was the corduroy patches on their jeans. It was the 80s!

I shan't be asking my boys how I did. We all do what we can at the time.

It is however very interesting to watch them as fathers. "People in glass houses etc"

I think they remember things differently from us,my daughter will say we did something and I know we definately didn't .I 'm talking about things when she was primary school age .For instance she said we let her look after our camera shop on her own when she was 10.That didn't happen,maybe she was behind the counter but we would never have left her in charge of the shop... not at 10 or even at 16 .I wouldn't have stayed in it on my own ,there was always staff both up and downstairs as we had issues with shoplifters .She is insistent that it happened though and nothing we say will convince her otherwise.She does say she had a great childhood though which is a relief and will admit to being the teenager from hell.She says that means she knows all the tricks her own might try as she did it first .We are all close and she and her brother talk to each other a lot,which is lovely

Both my husband and myself did not have a " normal " childhood mine with an older dad who had not wanted any more children and DH through illness and death of a parent so all I wanted for my children was a normal childhood. One of my DS's friends used to envy him because this poor lad had an older father and a sick mother . My mother was discussing her own mother one day and said she had not been a good daughter to her mother but I had been a good one. I will never forget that .
We are closed to both our children but they are not very close to each other. I am sure they would not ring each other just for a chat.

hollysteers Bad parents cause mental and physical issues even if they don't lay a finger on you.

Problems included and not limited to: anxiety, depression, IBS, chronic pain, personality disorders, mental illness, even suicide can all result from childhood trauma.

No one would say anything against you if you said your father cut off an arm or a leg and you couldn't forgive him. Instead he left you with anxiety which can quite often only be managed not cured.

I understand.

I had a horrible childhood which left me with anxiety and I don’t agree with those who say we should not carry on blaming our parents. I DO blame my father and always will.
Anyhoo I loved having children and certainly didn’t want to carry on that violence. I wish I hadn’t been so career minded, but my husband balanced it up as he was a perfect father.
Now my career dwindles away and my children are the light of my life, thoughtful and loving, forgiving me my weaknesses.
I don’t know what I have done to deserve them!

Same here, Calendargirl.

I don’t think I was very good. My children have difficult lives and I tend to blame myself. I stayed at home to look after them ( their father worked away a lot) but do feel a failure.

I wish I could do it all again and make it better for them. I would never smack, work or hurt them by splitting up with their dad. Having said that, it does mean I'd still have to be with him... [shudders]!!
Ps. I fed them absolute crap too. We all have healthier diets now and I don't recall my 30something kids ever ordering chicken nuggets or pizza whilst out for dinner in recent times!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

My elder son Infers he had a rotten childhood. He says he wasn’t given this and that. Had very little money at times.
The younger son enjoyed his childhood and says he grew up in best decade the 70s.
I think different children have different views.
Older son-difficult and younger has a lovely character.

Awww wow, all your posts/replies are just BRILLIANT.... so, basically, I'm not on my own, I've loved reading all the replies.

NO it most certainly is not sickly Fernhillnana, I think it's so lovely.

This is not something I have ever given a thought to however, not long before my fabulous Mum died, I was showing her some holiday photos from a recent trip to Guernsey. Both children were on boogie boards, in quite a rough sea and they were laughing their heads off. My Mum turned to me and said ‘You do realise you are giving those children a fabulous childhood don’t you’. To be honest it had never occurred to me, and I was quite shocked, but those words meant a huge amount to me, and I’ve never forgotten them. I’ve never mentioned them to the adult children either in case they contradict them and I’d be devastated! ?

I never felt I was a particularly good mum but I did my best.
I would never ask either of my sons if I had been.
That would be unfair on them
However the younger one said to me recently that the two brothers had been chatting about their childhoods and had agreed that they both had had really happy ones.
That made my day.

We did ask - and it was rather a shock. I think this changes over time, especially when they have children of their own. My eldest son refused to join in the discussion, the other 3 (son and 2 daughters) did - their main complaint was that we did not take any interest in their education. This was to some extent true, although my eldest daughter says I never attended parents' evenings at her school, which is entirely untrue. When they rewrite history it is impossible to have a proper conversation.
Of course they didn't take into account that my husband worked long hours a distance away, I had 4 children and a quite demanding part-time job (funding school fees) and no help at home. Also I didn't have the mental capacity to oversee their homework etc. They had all the opportunities we could give them - we did our best.

I was a single mum (That wasn’t the plan at all) to my lad from the age of four...
He’s now in his 30s, in a loving stable relationship but as yet, no children.
About a month ago, I asked him (and he doesn’t give answers to please you) how he felt about his childhood, and were there any issues that arose that he has difficulty reconciling. He said there were none. I’m prepared to accept that may change if he does go on to be a dad.
My mum had a horrible childhood and was treated differently to her siblings where she was the Cinderella. Despite this, she was an awesome mum to us three children. She was with my (selfish) dad, but to all intents and purposes, she may as well been a single mum. She was and at 97 still is, a much revered role model for me.
I wasn’t “spoilt”, and neither was my child, as money was tight... but there was never a shortage of love and affection. Always support and encouragement. That went both ways too.
I’m not trying to say every single day was idyllic, but even in troubled times we were, and still are “there for each other”.... btw, I told my mum how I felt about her many times, and she found it so hard to believe I felt that way. Made me want to hug her even more.
It can be a risky question to your children, but for me it was one I wanted to know, and address if it had turned out to be a negative.
Wishing you luck and wisdom if you decide to ask ?